I believe that all things happen for a reason and that God works through ALL things to bring good (thanks Kandi for reminding me of that, regardless of whether I want to hear it or not ) – so, with that, I’m hoping this post will help someone…even if it’s 3 years down the road and Google brings you here.  So, friends, this post has so very little to do with me, please don’t think it’s laced with anything pointy.  It’s not.  But, I’ve heard so much “I just wish I knew what to say,” so here we go…

Here is a collection of things that have been helpful to me and other women who have been through (or are going through) a miscarriage.  If you want to add something, leave it in the comments.  You may help someone.

Things that were helpful:

Personally, for me - “I’m praying for you,” “I’m thinking of you,” “I love you,” “I’m here for you,” and “I’m so very sorry” have been the most helpful words.

“What can I do to help?” Is very helpful from close friends – friends that I know mean it and won’t be offended even if I ask them to go on a hunt for a specific devotional that may or may not be somewhere   On the other hand, a lot of times I don’t know what to ask for, because quite frankly…I don’t *NEED* anything, and nothing will bring back what I’ve lost.  So, if you know of someone going through a miscarriage, think about what you’d do if it was a regular death in the family.  Meals are always good.  Sometimes it’s not what we NEED, but it’s what makes another’s life more convenient or feel loved. (And, if they don’t know what would help, you can always just bring them something.  Sometimes, they don’t want to ask.  Who wants to ask for a sweet gift or a card?)

Also, miscarriage often comes with a lot of waiting – waiting for the numbers in blood tests to drop, other tests, waiting for the miscarriage to complete (it can take a while) -  so, some of the sweetest “gifts” have been comfort food, cards, books, something to make me feel pretty and girly, and even a couple of toys for my girls (which have been most helpful in keeping them entertained when I can’t/couldn’t).

Offering to be there to LISTEN is also helpful – not necessarily something I’ve taken many people up on , but it seems to be helpful for almost anyone else…

Also, understand that she’s grieving and she may be doing so for a while.  She’s going through physical and emotional changes – all of which can be very painful.  If she doesn’t want to attend any parties or baby showers, etc…don’t ask her why or try to get her to go.  Heck, going out to eat last night in a sit down restaurant was pretty hard for me.

Then, there are things that hurt.  Things meant with such good intentions, but painful for the woman who just lost her baby.  Across the board, women say it’s just like if someone else died, think of what you’d say or do to help.

Some examples of things you may want to steer clear of:

-Don’t worry, it happens all the time. Women who have been or are going through a miscarriage don’t generally want to know this.  As one woman put it, “A woman once told me this but how would she feel if I went up to her and said the very same thing after her husband just died?  Sure, it happens all the time, but it doesn’t make it hurt less.”  Then, there’s the woman who said, “I don’t want to hear ‘it happens all the time,’ that gives me no hope.  I’m trying to grieve this loss and all I keep thinking about is how it could happen again and again.”

-It wasn’t meant to be.  It was for the best. There’s a toss up on this one.  There are some women who find comfort in knowing that their baby was lost due to something that wasn’t quite right – like it wouldn’t have survived because of genetic issue, etc.  But, for many other women, these words bring absolutely no comfort.  (It may depend on whether they’ve heard it before or their stage of grief.)

-Please don’t cry. I can imagine this being pretty … well, pointless.

-You can try again. This may sound like comforting words, after-all, it was a baby you were after, right?  But, for a woman who just lost her baby, this will most likely not be helpful unless she’s having babies for the sole purpose of trying to populate her own country.  Because yes, she can try again.  But, it won’t be THIS baby.

-At least you know you can have babies. I’m not sure what I’d do if someone said this to me.  It almost sounds like a jab from someone trying for kids.  Anyhow, let’s just agree that this statement is so not helpful.

-It’s God’s will. Elizabeth said, ” Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don’t presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God’s Will, that doesn’t make them less terrible.”

-Be grateful for the children you have. Today, if your mother died in a horrid car accident and you grieved, would it make you ungrateful for your father?  Of course not.

-Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it. I’m going to attempt to speak for most of us mothers, but we love our babies the moment we find out.  We begin bonding early early on.

-You have an angel watching over you. ” I didn’t want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.” – Elizabeth

-”Don’t tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.” – Elizabeth

- “Are you going to see about birth control now.  We don’t want to have another scare like that again.” -Anonymous.  Just, really?

- Pretending like it didn’t happen. Whether it’s been a while, you don’t know what to say, or you truly don’t understand why she’s feeling so sad…don’t ignore it and pretend it’s not there.  That it didn’t happen.  A hug and “I’m so sorry” are sometimes the biggest things you can do.

- Don’t expect a response. If you call or email or text and don’t hear anything back, don’t feel insulted.  From personal experience, I can say that with me, it’s just trying to get through each moment.  I read and hear everything, and your words help me, I’m just not in a place where I can respond to most of it.

-Don’t be upset if she doesn’t want to talk to you.  I know I haven’t wanted to talk too much about things.  Not yet.  Talking makes me cry.  I can blog a post and set it out for people to see (that’s me) but I can’t talk about it much yet.  I may never much.  I don’t know.  It helps so much to know people love me enough to listen should I need it, though. 

Life is messy.  I’m pretty sure I have said some of these things to a friend or two.  Heck, I say wrong things all the time with only the best intentions.  And, some of the things that would be okay with others, aren’t with me or vice versa.  It’s not really a science.  So, if you have said some of these things on the “steer clear” list, don’t beat yourself up.  (Unless it was way out of line like the birth control statement, then you should consider apologizing.)  The idea behind this list is to serve others who search for it, who want to know what they can do for someone they love.  It is NOT meant as a judging card.  Please don’t use it as such.

If you have anything to add, please list it.  What helped you, what made you feel worse?

And, if you’re just checking on me.  Thanks.

Welcome back!