I’ve started to dread the well-meaning polite question, “How are you doing/feeling?”

Unfortunately, even I have moments where witty responses and funny-sarcasm completely escape me.  I’m not sure how someone can look at me and honestly ask that question:  It seems like the lifeless zombie look with super huge shirts, split hair, and chapped lips would give it away.  And, if that didn’t, maybe the blue vomit bag, jittery hands, or swaying body (because I’m about to pass out) would.

I’ve struggled with finding a one-liner that would really envelope the situation.  You know, when you’re hooked up to IV lines, just had a catheter shoved, and your arms are black and blue…   “How are you feeling today?” “Oh!  I feel great!  I just LOVE this!”  A few ironic moments called for a simple stare, but mostly I’ve just replied with “awesome.”  Or, “better.”

However, with “better,” it seems like I need a 5 page disclaimer.  Because when I say better, it means I was able to take my own shower today or eat more than a handful of food.  It doesn’t mean I can go out and play.  I’ve been in survival mode for 6 weeks and at this point, I’m hanging on to every tiny improvement…even if it only lasts for that day.  So, better to me…probably doesn’t mean what better to most people would.

And then, of course, I feel bad for not having a “better” answer.  I want to tell people that after this much time, I’m greatly improving.  I want to have something positive!!  Unfortunately, not everyone grasps the positives of being able to poop…so I’ve had to let that one go.

Finally, I’ve settled on an answer.

How do I feel?

CRAPtastic.

And, I have a sliding scale.  1 to 10.  Let me walk you through it.

10 is… need to be hospitalized and feel so miserable, my mind just kind of shuts down…or I cry nonstop.

1 is… “normal morning sickness” symptoms

The downside to my CRAPtastic sliding scale is that it can change in the matter of seconds…

I won’t walk you through every number, but for those of you really wanting an update, I’ll tell you where I am now with this stuff.

I was ranging between an 8 and 10 at all times.  Mostly 9 and 10.

Over the past couple of weeks, I slowly moved down to more of a 7-8.5 range.

For the most part, I can give myself showers now.  I am extremely weak afterward, so do not attempt them when home alone/with kids, but it’s an improvement.  I gained one pound (after losing over 5 percent of my body weight).  I can drink more than 4 oz of fluid.  My aversions to food have decreased slightly…I was having aversions to food in general, but have been able to find at least SOMETHING to eat for the past couple of weeks.  Occasionally I eat everything off of my plate (like pre-pregnancy).  Mostly, I still eat very small amounts.  I can sit up without automatically passing out.  I can watch TV and read a little without it making vomit uncontrollably.  I can drink out of a glass again…before I could smell everything from fingerprints to saliva on the rim and had to drink room temperature bottled water (if it was too cold, it would make me more sick).  I no longer sleep with a fan aimed at my face (I needed the constant air circulation to decrease the smells that were attacking me, smells that my super-human nose could only pick up).  I can walk to the mailbox (some days).  One day, I was able to put on makeup…something I haven’t done since I’d gotten sick.  It made me weak, but it was progress!  I still can’t go out much and you won’t find me strolling through the park.  Each day has its own set of obstacles, and they change.

Someone said something so encouraging to me, “You will never have to do this day again.”

It seems simple, but it’s huge when it feels like life has paused itself in one dark, miserable place.  After an extensive time of physically feeling your worst, it takes a huge effect on your mind, and it can take you to a very dark place.

I am very slowly coming out of simple survival mode.  I’m not completely there, yet.  But, one day, I will wake up and realize I had an entire week of 7′s.  And then, one day I’ll wake up and I’ll be at 5, and then 3, and then 1.  I don’t know when.  It may be tomorrow, and it may not be until I hold my baby in my arms.

But, that’s where I’m at.

Craptastic.

Welcome back!

I’m 34 weeks pregnant as of today and besides a bit of heartburn nudging around, nothing much has changed with this pregnancy. Except, maybe that Aurora has found a love for acrobats and making my digestive system miserable. Dear child, there is NOT enough room for you to be doing that. Please settle down.

In other news, there is no real other news. It’s been a week since my husband lost his job and….nothing. Lots of leads going nowhere, lots of nothing – except stress. I have plenty of that. I’ve been praying and thinking hopeful, good thoughts but then the other scenarios come rushing in – scenarios that include me giving birth without my husband – or without my doula in a place I don’t know – or, even all alone. And then other thoughts come rushing in, and I’m done.

So, for now I’m trying to purposely obsess over small and happy things that make me freak out less, if only just for a while.

It’s not really working, but anyways.

I was looking at my analytics page and found some mildly interesting searches (by which random folks have seemed to find me – HI! By the way). For your entertainment, here they are:

I drank at 31 weeks pregnant
I’ll save the finger wagging and just cut right to the chase – what do you want, a cookie?

what to do with strawberry cupcakes using cake mix
Ummm…eat them? DUH. Better yet, just mail them to me. I’ll sacrifice myself for you and show you with pictures what should be done with perfectly good cupcakes.

you can know me by the way I roll
Isn’t that a song? And, I’ll keep that in mind if I ever need to figure out how to move your body.

how to get rid of boss
Um, hopefully you aren’t meaning me – and, really…I have no experience in offing folks. Ahem.  Nor would I ever admit to it if I did.

questions not to ask the boss
I’m not an expert at this or anything, but I’m pretty sure some good starters would be –

Did your daughter ever find her underwear?
Did you by any chance find a tampon in the freezer?
Is your wife/husband busy tonight?
Do you plan on actually showing up tomorrow?

And then I’ve gotten quite a lot of searches coming here for pregnancy stuff.  I figured I’d write what I know all in one place so you could just find it here…

itchiness and rashes during pregnancy and what to do
First, go see your doctor.  Some rashes can be serious and you may need to be referred to a dermatologist.  If, however, they don’t know what it is or just tell you it’s a part of pregnancy and you get to deal with it, you may want to try the following:
-ask for a steroid cream.  This helped take my rash and took the itch down from CRAZY to manageable
-wear loose cotton shirts – or eh, nothing over the problem areas if you can get away with it.  Lots of air and things not rubbing against your skin makes a ton of difference.
-stay away from scented lotions!  Eucerin calming creme helped mine once I had the CRAZY part of the itch taken care of.
-Drink LOADS of water and eat good and healthy stuff.  It helps more than you know
-Scalpicin for your itchy scalp works too.  So does tea tree oil if you don’t mind being smelly.
-Keep your rash/itchy skin COOL.  Use cold dry rags from the freezer if you must, just keep the area really cool.
-No more hot showers.  Stick to warm showers and make ‘em short with no scrubbing which will just piss your skin off even more.  Trust me, it took me 2 pregnancies to figure all of this out.
-Scratching it will make it worse.  I promise you.  Tie your hands to bed at night to sleep if you must.
-Peppermint oil and lavender oil (therapeutic grade) mixed with a carrier oil may help some as well.  I didn’t experiment much with my oils at first b/c I was kind of scared to, but those would be the first I’d try being pregnant and all…

overly sick during pregnancy and what to do and what it is
By overly sick, do you mean like morning sickness only EXTREME?  If so, I can probably help.  Of course, check with your doctor but if most of the labs come back okay and you still feel like dog doo, you may have Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  It’s basically just a really BAD case of morning sickness that could end up being serious if you let it go.  Google it, you’ll find all kinds of stuff about it.  At first, I thought my issues were hypoglycemic related but soon found that even though I ate methodically and stuck my poor finger, nothing was adding up.  If you have hyperemesis gravidarum, I’m going to recommend you checking out extra B vitamins, Unisom sleeping pills, and Zofran.  Seriously, these are the ONLY things I found to work.  I tried the ginger, the lollipops, the supplements, and EVERYTHING.  My situation was bad enough that I couldn’t eat ANYTHING at one (or many) point(s) and had to move into my parent’s house for month just so I’d be close to help and the hospital so I could go in and get an IV on a weekly basis.  The unisom pills pretty much help keep you from vomiting all day long (but you sleep instead) and the Zofran is generally given to chemo patients…so it helps with nausea.  None of these things completely cured it, but they helped.  I can honestly say that NOTHING I know of would have prevented this (although if you know the secret, be sure to email me) – not exercise or nutrition or anything else.  I was SO careful.  I had the exact same issues in my first pregnancy, only with this one I was trying to juggle a toddler as well.  And, if you just figured out you probably don’t have this and it’s just regular morning sickness…lucky you.

baby movement
If I remember correctly, I felt some of the first flutters at 18 or 19 weeks during my pregnancy.  For some, it’ll be a little later (or earlier).  Try not to freak out, but if you get a little antsy, head to your OB and have them use the doppler.  You can buy or rent one of those, btw if you’re the wringing-of-hands type.

when is baby viable
I’ve heard that at 25 weeks, with special medical care, if your child is born then it could be considered “viable” outside the womb. This isn’t the same as asking about “full term,” however, which is around 37 weeks.

nesting already
All I can tell you is that I’ve been nesting on and off since my 2nd trimester.  And, with baby L, it was probably as soon as I found out (til I got sick) as she was our first!  I’m sure if our budget would’ve allowed, I’d be nesting even more but somehow painting kitchen cabinets seems much less fun once you realize you’ll be doing it and not hiring help.  I’m 34 weeks and still nesting and don’t feel like I’ll be having this baby any time soon, so I wouldn’t put too much stock into nesting…unless you’re having contractions too.

body hurting, being tired, stomach pains, funny smells, vaginal secretions
Congratulations, you’re pregnant!  During my first pregnancy, I kept a journal full of diagrams of everything that hurt and pretty much everything that happened.  Almost ever cramp (that lasted for more than 30 seconds) and EVERYTHING.  I called our Labor and Delivery center at the hospital a LOT during that time.  This time, I’m way more laid back about the weird body going ons.  Your body will hurt and you will have funky cramps most likely and you will have weird discharges.  If you think you have an infection or something is wrong, by all means…go to the doctor.  And, as for being tired?  All I can say is get used to it.  Add some supplements and if you can fit in exercise, then good for you.  Personally, exercising much makes me feel WORSE during pregnancy, but some folks swear by it.  (It makes me dizzy and sick if I do too much)  But, seriously.  You have a little human growing inside of you, your body IS going to do some really funky and not so pleasant things – just blame the baby.  Or your husband.    I kid.  Sort of.

I thought I had it all under control – with snacks, the evil finger pricker (glucose monitor), the puke bucket, specialty morning sickness candies and vitamins, and drinks. We’d moved an extra bed into Lorelei’s room so I would be able to at least be in the same room with my very own daughter. I knew I was sick, but I had just accepted it all as “how morning sickness attacks affects Ashley.”

Until NOTHING would stay down.

Until walking 10 feet would leave me feeling drained, shaky, and like I was going to pass out.

So, I quit moving. I kept eating and I kept drinking, but to no avail. Everything came back up. My throat was raw, my stomach hurt, and I just wanted to go drift back into the sleep that kept calling my name.

I was counting down the days until October 1st – the day our insurance would take effect. The day of my first scheduled “official” OB/GYN appointment. I had plans to beg my doctor for the medicine I’d promised myself I wouldn’t take this time around – the $80 bottle of medicine meant for chemotherapy patients, only given to pregnant women when the need for it outweighed the risks. By Monday, I knew I was only 2 days away from at least some sort of improvement.

Then, my mom called. Despite my attempts to convince her that although I felt horrid, I didn’t think I belonged in the ER, she didn’t believe me. We both knew that if insurance was already covering me, I’d have gone to the doctor days ago. She called my doctor on my behalf, telling her how things were going down in our home and my doc told her to get me there. Now.

It took about 30 minutes to convince me, but then I began to shakily throw things on the kitchen table, preparing for my mom to pick us up (Steven had the only working vehicle with a carseat).

The rest is history…

I was admitted to the hospital on an hour-by-hour basis to receive IV fluids and vitamins and nutrients. They were on strict orders to only do what was necessary (no urine/blood tests since I was self pay and would have coverage in only 2 days and already had lab tests scheduled for October 1st). For the next 5 hours, they pumped vitamins, nutrients, and fluids into my body as quickly as they could and layered the warmed blankets on me as I couldn’t keep warm.

Around 9 pm, they allowed me to try a liquid only diet. I chose juice, and despite the intense burning in my mouth, it stayed down. By 10:30 pm, they were ready to let me try solids. I made a request for a simple turkey sandwich and possibly pasta salad with dressing on the side, but the cafeteria had closed hours ago and the only “leftovers” on the shelf was… a tuna fish sandwich on lumpy whole grain bread. I laughed when they announced my first solid attempt would be a tuna fish sandwich…until I realized that they were serious and then the hilarity factor dropped at high speed.

Three bites in and gagging, I decided I’d give it a rest. At least until I could get some medication.

Shortly after, Zofran was administered. Mom left. A quick call to wish Steven goodnight. And, then I turned the lights out.

I drifted in and out of fitful sleep with the pink tub/bucket beside me (just in case). The next day, it was decided that I would undergo some new (to me) treatments. During these, we found out that I’m most likely allergic to Reglan, as it left me jittery and overly anxious – almost as if I were coming off of something (or, I would imagine). It was horrible, like I was coming out of my own skin.

I don’t remember much about Tuesday – lots of fitful sleep, interesting hospital food (like pork with mango salsa), and feeling really really bad. And, lots of unplugging my IV cart so I could go pee. Alot. By 8 or 9 pm, I was discharged with strict orders to be at my doctor’s office as soon as they opened for a full looksie (ultrasound, blood tests, urine tests, etc…the works).

Then, the rest of the week was spent curled up on my parents’ couch or one of the beds sleeping and drinking and peeing and eating. Not much else. My family has been awesome, taking turns to come over to help me eat and to keep crazy L company as I try to rest and recuperate. I’ve been armed with sleeping pills, another set of vitamins, and the hard core Z meds. The idea with the sleeping pills is that if I’m asleep, maybe I won’t puke? I guess? But at 85 lbs, even the prescribed 1/2 a pill knocks me the heck out, rendering me completely useless. Which is …uh…great…except I’m fairly sure that I will have to at SOME point leave my parents’ couch and at SOME point will have to take care of my own darn kid. I’m just guessing, there, but it makes a lot of sense.

So, those are the updates. I’m just trying to figure out how I can arrange my arsenal of medicines so that I don’t end up back where I was – and trying to find a way to hopefully just be able to take care of myself and L on a daily basis for the remainder of this trimester (which is like a month left to go). Because…if it lasts for more than a month? I’m screwed.

Other random notes (for myself) at 9 weeks:

- weight unchanged.
- Dry skin AND acne? OW. So much for a pregnancy glow.
- The baby’s heartbeat is much better this week (according to the ultrasound after being in the hospital).
- Hair is getting darker in all of the wrong places, but the hair on my head is still coming out in clumps. Why can’t it be the other way around?

Next appointment is Wednesday, which is purely in place to monitor my weight and pukeage. Expect tummy pictures next week, unless things get worse.