I’ve decided I need a duplicate – or preferably, a better version of me.  If you think you’re qualified, please send me a private email.  Only perfect candidates apply, please.  I’m imperfect enough for the two of us.  :)

JOB TITLE: Mother, Mommy, Mom

JOB DESCRIPTION: Permanent position open for qualified individuals.  Must be a team player.  Candidate must be willing to work over-time and will be on-call with no advanced warning at no additional pay.  Must be organized, possess great organizational skills, and be energetic.  Occasional travel will be required.

DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES:

• Management
  - Candidate must be able to manage multiple schedules, must be able to create a master-list of social events for the entire household.  Should be able to anticipate events regardless of memory lapses in husband and children.  Intense memory and psychic abilities preferred.
  - Manage children’s outward appearance – making sure tags are on the inside and no ketchup stains are visible.
  -Manage food preparation and schedule – including the anticipation of children who’s tastes changes in a matter of seconds with no warning given.  Must be able to provide food instantly or mother/mother-in-law/CPS will descend.

• Support
  - Support husband regardless of whether or not it’s his 5th Mid-Life Crisis this year…or if he’s only 26.

• Training
  - Train children in the rules of society with minimal damage.

• Janitorial Services
  - Clean toilets, bath tubs, sinks and all bathroom surfaces.  Repeatedly.  Possibly, daily.
  - Clean couches and upholstery, scraping off all cheesy or chocolate handprints.
  - Clean any fecal artwork from the crib or nearby walls.
  -Educate self and be able to clean “permanent” inks and paints from a variety of surfaces at a moment’s notice.
  - Clean entire house while entertaining children as they undo everything, keeping house presentable for the most unexpected visitors.
  -Effectively clean any mysterious spills or dumps – including but not limited to vomit, urine, feces and tadpoles in creek water.

• Medical Services
  - Provide magical kisses and instantly produce band-aids out of thin air to heal boo-boos
  - Responsible for knowing the intense medical information and be able to perform such things (CPR, Heimlich Maneuver, etc)
  - Assess accidents and medical emergencies with efficiency and calmness.
  -Evaluate children for possible broken bones or head injuries when they miscalculate their super-being abilities.
  -Evaluate fevers for attention needed and willingness to obtain said body temperatures by any means necessary.
  -Be proficient with obtaining rectal temperatures without help.  While child is screaming.  And biting.
  -Be able to tend to own wounds without crying when you find the missing glass from the back window in your foot.

• Food Services and Prep
  - Plan, buy, and prepare food menus according to the ever-changing tastes of all household subjects.
  - Psychically determine possible up-coming taste changes and efficiently modify menus and recipes.
  - Prepare healthy and delicious foods while entertaining and supervising children.
  - Prepare tasty and healthy foods with a limited budget and possibly, limited cookware or cook-space.
  - Be prepared to magically transform 4 servings into 8 servings at a moment’s notice for unexpected guests.
  - Create gourmet meals out of meager ingredients regardless of whether you need to go to the grocery or not.

• Transportation
  - Chaffeur children around town.
  - Possess ability to be in two or more places at once.

• Negotiations
  - Be skilled at making, manipulating, and avoiding all negotiations – especially from those smaller than you.

• Repairs
  - Plan for and be able to execute all un-forseen repairs – from teddy bear arms to a toilet that just swallowed your bracelet.
  - Be willing to learn to repair almost anything – or be willing to suffer without it while you wait for your husband to either do it or for him to call and hire someone else to do it.
  
  
• Education and Psychology
  - Teach, monitor, and study infants and young children in language development and usage.
  - Mentor teenagers, being someone they can look up to.
  - Counsel troubled teenagers and find triggers for all aggressive behavior:  You, apparently.
  - Erase imaginary monsters from troubled sleepy minds.

QUALIFICATIONS: No qualifications required.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: This is a permanent, life-long position.  May possibly lead to GRANDPARENT.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Payment comes in the form of slobbery kisses, hugs, and a forever-altered body image.  The occasional “thank-you, mom” is possible, but rare.
BENEFITS: Great investment opportunities!  Rather than investing in small stocks or real estate, invest in people*!  Limitless opportunities for self-growth and patience-building exercises.

*Investing in people can be incredibly rewarding and can possibly result in the care of you in your elderly saggier version – choices include personal care by your children and enjoying paying them back for every dirty diaper you had to change or a room at private resort-like accommodations with meals included.

This post is my entry to Lovable Labels’ Contest.

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