When Sir lost his job last March, I remember going through a whirlwind of emotions.  Determination – not only that we’d find something else, but also to, well…not cry.  Then, anger.  I was angry at his boss for dumping him with no warning WHATSOEVER and refusing to even resolve a problem we didn’t know existed (and still don’t know exactly what it was).  I was angry at Sir for losing his job.  I was angry in general.  And, then…I was scared.  I worried how we’d feed ourselves and our children.  I was worried how we’d keep our home and how we’d be able to go to the doctor like we needed to.

I went back and forth from feeling like we were in a hopeless situation where I would feel so overwhelmed to feeling like *WE* had to fix it.  I went days where I felt like I couldn’t do anything (because it felt like I struggling under the world’s massive shoe) to feeling like we needed to run run run, constantly printing resumes, looking for jobs, and waiting for the Sir to get home from interviews.

“Just give it to God, ” people would say.  And, quite honestly, that little off the cuff saying really just pissed me off.  That, and the fact that we found out quickly who was really there for us, and who only wanted to TALK about being there for us but never really INQUIRED or TRIED at all in any way…which would make for a whole SERIES of entirely different blog posts.  Anyhow, I have to be honest when I say that from this side of the fence, the whole “Just give it to God,” saying became a really sore spot for us.  Not that we didn’t believe God knew of our troubles, but it felt more like we were being told “Please stop talking to me about this.  I don’t know what to say.  Just stop worrying about it and…see what happens.”  So, I got really quiet.  After all, people knew our situation and either reacted kindly, or they didn’t.  And, most certainly…God knew our situation.

We prayed and prayed for a new job.  For something.  We prayed that we wouldn’t lose everything and we wondered out loud what would happen next.

And, then it happened.  It was something soul-shaking, yet something that could easily have been labeled as yet another TRIAL, depending on how you looked at it.

We began letting things go.  First, it started with small pleasures.  We counted pennies and did away with unnecessary purchases.  We canceled birthday parties, we bought food carefully.  And, once you have no TV, don’t pay to go to gyms or out to eat, don’t buy little things here and there – Well, you begin to realize that HEY, MAYBE I DIDN’T NEED IT AFTER ALL.  We had our family.  We had our friends.  We could surely make do with the rest.  At first it seemed so UN-AMERICAN, but now?  It’s kind of freeing.

But, that was just the beginning.  Because, then…God began to reel us in.  We stopped rushing around like busybodies LOOKING for an answer and finally realized that God would put us where we need to be.  You think you give it to God, you think you TRUST Him, but then you got knocked off your feet and you realize it wasn’t enough.  You realize you were depending on something else to sustain you.  You realize that you actually thought it was UP TO YOU what happened, when it really never mattered because He had His hands on you.  He was guiding you, not the other way around.

Our prayers together went from us asking Him for a job and to save our home and give us food, to prayers of thanksgiving as we watched one tiny miracle after another unfold in our lives.  We began praying that we would learn to trust Him more, and that He would make it OBVIOUS to us (continuously) where we needed to go and be and to relieve us from anxiety.

Sir is still waiting for a job, but by the grace of God and His working through some really awesome people, we’re doing a lot better than we thought we would be.  When bills seem to get a little too close and begin to crunch in, something comes our way – an unexpected envelope of money, a few groceries – even gifts to keep our spirits high.

We were so terrified of losing our home in the beginning, and are now realizing that we’d be better off in a different place, surrounded by people who do more than just passively love us.

I was scared we’d both have to take up jobs and leave our girls with someone else to raise while we worked, and found a wonderful job I never thought could exist – a job that allows me to stay at home as much as I want but surrounds me with wonderful TRULY Christian people and in a ministry where I can go into work and KNOW that I’m making a difference.  It’s a job that was OBVIOUSLY made FOR me.  It takes every interest I have and joins them into one perfect position.

We didn’t know if our marriage would survive this extra hardship.  We were trying so hard to get past some other really deep wounds, and this situation alone is enough to tear some couples apart.  But, it’s made us stronger.  Together.

This situation has brought people into our lives that we couldn’t imagine living without, now.

It seemed like the end of the world, but really?  It was just a disguised miracle.  It was an answered prayer – a prayer we hadn’t even prayed yet.

So, my dear friend…I’m thinking of you today as I write this.  I hope you see this as the disguised miracle it is and the great opportunity it could be.  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:1
And, I’m here.  Waiting and listening whenever you need me.  You can do this, I know you can.  You’re never alone.  I love you.

Welcome back!

I finally took the initiative to look up what all of the hub-bub about this swine flu was about.  Typically, I ignore the news and get only the utmost “important” things from family and friends.  Some of you would say I’m not educating myself on the happenings of the world, but to be honest, I feel like I’m staying true to what really matters: the world around ME and the people who live in it.  That, and I don’t really care for the media’s representation of much of anything these days.  I’m just not ready to jump on the doom and gloom wagon, I have enough things in my own life that could easily get me down.

So, 109 cases so far, and one death in the US.  Although, the one death was a mexican visiting Texas and had “underlying conditions” and died from the pneumonia that the flu caused.  Being prepared is one thing, but I won’t be stocking up on tape and face masks just yet.  And, if I do…it’ll have nothing to do with swine flu.  I will take this plenty serious, but as of right now?  I have a better chance of walking into the road and getting run over than I do of dying from the swine flu.  Actually, seeing as how some people don’t read speed limit signs out here, that may not be saying much.  But, still.

Since I’m not spending my time raiding the shelves of Walmart for jugs of water, face masks, and duct tape, Steven and I had plenty of time to spare after my doctor’s appointment yesterday.  (I am still 3 cm, 80% effaced just like I was on Tuesday.)  So, we decided to head a town over and look at apartments.  If you know me at all (or have read my blog for over a month), you really shouldn’t have to ask WHY, but in case you are, I’ll save you the extra embarrassment from not really having been paying attention.

You see, Steven lost his job a couple of months ago and it was pretty much “Surprise!  Don’t come back!”  kind of thing.  And, while we have our theories as to the WHYS – which have everything to do with the management of the company and their finances and not much at all to do with S – none of it really matters much at this point.  And, in case you are still confused, I’ll break it down further…

No job = No income

No income + bills + creditors = Still no income

Do you see where I’m going with this?  We didn’t really have “savings” and are pretty much winging it (and have been) but are getting rather close to the end of the pot of money we were able to scrounge together.  Instead of waiting for another month or two, we thought we’d be proactive and just look at apartments and prices while we still have CHOICES and a little time, rather than being backed into a corner with only one or two options.

In other news, still no job.  Leads here and there, but after 2 months – nothing means anything until a contract is signed.  Now, we’re looking at the possibility of going full time military – I’m still figuring out how I feel about that, and it will mean a very probably move in a few years if we go with that.  Only thing is, there will still have to be a few rounds of jumping through fiery rings just to do that – and it all has to be done fast and of course is not in my hands at all.  So, yeh.

In even more AWESOME news…our last dependable vehicle died.  DIED.  So, we jumped it one last time (for now) and my grams let us use her old car, which well…yeh.  *Sigh*

There’s more, there always is…but that should give you a pretty good idea as to why I’m stressed.  And, why if anyone else tells me to just “Calm down” or “Focus on me and the baby”…well, please don’t.  I am trying to see the rainbows, I really am.  But, right now…I’m almost 40 weeks pregnant and feel like I have absolutely no control over much of anything.

In fact, I’m beginning to wonder if this baby is even going to be born before the year is out.  Well, not really…but I am wondering if maybe my body is a little confused, considering all of the trouble and hormone issues I had with conceiving L in the first place, and other hormone-related type issues.  I’m wondering if the baby is ready and my body is just a little confused.  I know NORMALLY, your body should know what to do, but I also know sometimes, the rules don’t always apply and what if I’m one of the weird ones?