I’ve started to dread the well-meaning polite question, “How are you doing/feeling?”

Unfortunately, even I have moments where witty responses and funny-sarcasm completely escape me.  I’m not sure how someone can look at me and honestly ask that question:  It seems like the lifeless zombie look with super huge shirts, split hair, and chapped lips would give it away.  And, if that didn’t, maybe the blue vomit bag, jittery hands, or swaying body (because I’m about to pass out) would.

I’ve struggled with finding a one-liner that would really envelope the situation.  You know, when you’re hooked up to IV lines, just had a catheter shoved, and your arms are black and blue…   “How are you feeling today?” “Oh!  I feel great!  I just LOVE this!”  A few ironic moments called for a simple stare, but mostly I’ve just replied with “awesome.”  Or, “better.”

However, with “better,” it seems like I need a 5 page disclaimer.  Because when I say better, it means I was able to take my own shower today or eat more than a handful of food.  It doesn’t mean I can go out and play.  I’ve been in survival mode for 6 weeks and at this point, I’m hanging on to every tiny improvement…even if it only lasts for that day.  So, better to me…probably doesn’t mean what better to most people would.

And then, of course, I feel bad for not having a “better” answer.  I want to tell people that after this much time, I’m greatly improving.  I want to have something positive!!  Unfortunately, not everyone grasps the positives of being able to poop…so I’ve had to let that one go.

Finally, I’ve settled on an answer.

How do I feel?

CRAPtastic.

And, I have a sliding scale.  1 to 10.  Let me walk you through it.

10 is… need to be hospitalized and feel so miserable, my mind just kind of shuts down…or I cry nonstop.

1 is… “normal morning sickness” symptoms

The downside to my CRAPtastic sliding scale is that it can change in the matter of seconds…

I won’t walk you through every number, but for those of you really wanting an update, I’ll tell you where I am now with this stuff.

I was ranging between an 8 and 10 at all times.  Mostly 9 and 10.

Over the past couple of weeks, I slowly moved down to more of a 7-8.5 range.

For the most part, I can give myself showers now.  I am extremely weak afterward, so do not attempt them when home alone/with kids, but it’s an improvement.  I gained one pound (after losing over 5 percent of my body weight).  I can drink more than 4 oz of fluid.  My aversions to food have decreased slightly…I was having aversions to food in general, but have been able to find at least SOMETHING to eat for the past couple of weeks.  Occasionally I eat everything off of my plate (like pre-pregnancy).  Mostly, I still eat very small amounts.  I can sit up without automatically passing out.  I can watch TV and read a little without it making vomit uncontrollably.  I can drink out of a glass again…before I could smell everything from fingerprints to saliva on the rim and had to drink room temperature bottled water (if it was too cold, it would make me more sick).  I no longer sleep with a fan aimed at my face (I needed the constant air circulation to decrease the smells that were attacking me, smells that my super-human nose could only pick up).  I can walk to the mailbox (some days).  One day, I was able to put on makeup…something I haven’t done since I’d gotten sick.  It made me weak, but it was progress!  I still can’t go out much and you won’t find me strolling through the park.  Each day has its own set of obstacles, and they change.

Someone said something so encouraging to me, “You will never have to do this day again.”

It seems simple, but it’s huge when it feels like life has paused itself in one dark, miserable place.  After an extensive time of physically feeling your worst, it takes a huge effect on your mind, and it can take you to a very dark place.

I am very slowly coming out of simple survival mode.  I’m not completely there, yet.  But, one day, I will wake up and realize I had an entire week of 7′s.  And then, one day I’ll wake up and I’ll be at 5, and then 3, and then 1.  I don’t know when.  It may be tomorrow, and it may not be until I hold my baby in my arms.

But, that’s where I’m at.

Craptastic.

Welcome back!

My First Introduction to HG

In 2006, I became pregnant with our first daughter. After over a year of actively charting and trying, it was an answered prayer. However, within weeks, things took a turn for the unexpected. What began as seemingly normal morning sickness soon twisted into a personal horror as my symptoms spiraled quickly out of control and my doctors struggled to understand them and find a treatment option that would work. The nausea became progressively worse until the vomiting was out of control. Every day felt the same – there were no good days, they were all bad. I remember praying prayers of thanksgiving for this new life despite the horrid things my body was doing, but after a couple of weeks, I was worn out and felt incredibly alone. Smells, sights, and even sounds could send me into dry heaving and vomiting. I was constantly spraying whatever scent I could smell to mask everything else – even my husband smelled despite the many showers and teeth brushings. It didn’t take long until I was admitted into the hospital (which happened numerous times thereafter). IVs with Zofran were administered. Sitting, standing, and walking for very long had become difficult for me. My body was sore from laying so much, and yet it was my only real option.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum – Take TWO!

In 2008, I became pregnant with my second daughter. This time, my doctor was more familiar with my body’s fight with Hyperemesis Gravidarum and I now had a legitimate diagnosis. I remember setting up a small twin bed in my daughter’s room so she could play while I laid there. My husband had filled an ice chest with bottles of ice water and bananas and whatever else I thought I might stomach that day. I specifically remember one day, getting sick immediately after eating a banana, and being unable to breathe. I was choking and the only witness was my 2 year old little girl. After that, I wouldn’t eat crackers or bananas unless I had had plenty to drink FIRST. After a couple of weeks, I was unable to keep down solids or liquids. We were only a few days away from insurance, so I was trying to hold off before going to the doctor. One day before our insurance was due to kick in, my mother called my home (we lived an hour away) and recognized that something was very wrong. She plead that I would schedule an appointment, but I had convinced myself that I must be going crazy. Almost everyone else thought I was over-exaggerating, so maybe I was! She didn’t buy it. She called my doctor and my doctor told her to get me to the emergency room ASAP – that my baby AND I were both in danger. Many hospitalizations and IVs followed, as well as a prescription for Zofran and ½ Unisom tablet every 4 hours – which helped curtail the vomiting some. However, I was still so weak and malnourished, I had to temporarily move my daughter and I in with my parents so family members could check in on us throughout the day. The severe weakness and nausea/vomiting often prevented me from being able to sit/stand/etc.

HG isn’t for wusses

Currently, I am pregnant with our 3^rd child and soon, my husband will be deploying. My days are much like those in my first and second pregnancies, except I have learned some things:

• When you feel weak or dizzy, sit or lay down IMMEDIATELY. I WILL pass out. I was given the advice to “push through it” and that it was okay, but after passing out many times, I’ve decided it’s not worth the dangers for me, my unborn baby, OR to my 2 little girls.
• Don’t try to “help” myself to vomit. Even if I feel horrible…If I do, a vicious cycle begins.
• IF I get a craving, eat it and eat it within 30 minutes. If I have an aversion, KEEP IT AWAY.
• Zofran plus a ½ tablet of Unisom helps curb the vomiting, which keeps weightloss to a minimum – (only ½ lb to 2 lbs per week instead of 2-3 lbs per week)
• Don’t drink or eat anything that will make me burp. Burping often leads to vomiting.
• In my pregnancies, I generally have a span of 2-3 weeks where I have SEVERE dizziness that will not go away. Zofran plus dramamine helps make it a little more bearable. Also it is NOT normal to have dizziness that will not go away and causes you to be unable to sit or stand almost at all AND that doesn’t fully go away even while laying down.

Like in my other pregnancies, I’ve given up my jeans for sweat pants and scrub pants. ANY pressure on my stomach makes me ill. Luckily, for me, this has only lasted a couple of weeks into the 2^nd trimester and then it fades. In the beginning, I couldn’t watch TV, read, etc. I stared at the ceiling or more often, closed my eyes tightly, trying to shut out all stimuli. Within the past week or so, I have been able to watch TV moderately and read short passages. My husband and I sleep divided by pillows – partially to keep me comfortable since I’m laying most of my days and partially to keep away the smells. (Sidenote: My husband is NOT a bad smelling guy, my nose just goes CRAZY with HG and I smell EVERYTHING.) Walking is limited, but going into the kitchen will immediately send me into gagging. I don’t have “good times” and bad times…they’re all the same. I eat laying down and am unable to keep much down, if anything at all. Some days, it’s bad enough that my husband has to give me a shower as I lay on the shower floor.

And, like the last 2 times, I’ve found myself falling back into depression. I feel misunderstood and unheard. Numerous times, I would reach out only to hear something like, “Oh, I remember those days” –Usually followed up by “So, see you at (upcoming event)?” It feels like despite the support network you thought you had, everything folds away except for a select few…and you’re mostly on your own.

The IVs help, but if they aren’t given in time, it’s like playing a game of catch up. What many doctors don’t understand is that it’s not about waiting until the person with HG is so dehydrated that they are on the point of death, but it’s about staying ahead of the cycle. If a woman with HG gets even a little dehydrated, the vomiting becomes worse, which makes the dehydration worse and so on.

More Information About Hyperemesis Gravidarum

Currently, there is no cure for HG. In fact, it is often misunderstood or altogether ignored by medical staff. HG is not new and has been documented since the 18^th century, however research is scarce and not readily funded. HG can last for one, two, or all three trimesters and while it can appear differently in each pregnancy, statistics show that it generally appears pretty similarly in subsequent pregnancies. And, once a woman has HG, she is very likely to have it again.

If you’d like to read more about Hyperemesis Gravidarum, please visit Help HER, a foundation committed to hyperemesis research and information. I urge you to read it, whether you are a healthcare provider, a husband to someone who has HG, or someone who knows no one with this disease (because you never know when you’ll meet them).

I’m 34 weeks pregnant as of today and besides a bit of heartburn nudging around, nothing much has changed with this pregnancy. Except, maybe that Aurora has found a love for acrobats and making my digestive system miserable. Dear child, there is NOT enough room for you to be doing that. Please settle down.

In other news, there is no real other news. It’s been a week since my husband lost his job and….nothing. Lots of leads going nowhere, lots of nothing – except stress. I have plenty of that. I’ve been praying and thinking hopeful, good thoughts but then the other scenarios come rushing in – scenarios that include me giving birth without my husband – or without my doula in a place I don’t know – or, even all alone. And then other thoughts come rushing in, and I’m done.

So, for now I’m trying to purposely obsess over small and happy things that make me freak out less, if only just for a while.

It’s not really working, but anyways.

I was looking at my analytics page and found some mildly interesting searches (by which random folks have seemed to find me – HI! By the way). For your entertainment, here they are:

I drank at 31 weeks pregnant
I’ll save the finger wagging and just cut right to the chase – what do you want, a cookie?

what to do with strawberry cupcakes using cake mix
Ummm…eat them? DUH. Better yet, just mail them to me. I’ll sacrifice myself for you and show you with pictures what should be done with perfectly good cupcakes.

you can know me by the way I roll
Isn’t that a song? And, I’ll keep that in mind if I ever need to figure out how to move your body.

how to get rid of boss
Um, hopefully you aren’t meaning me – and, really…I have no experience in offing folks. Ahem.  Nor would I ever admit to it if I did.

questions not to ask the boss
I’m not an expert at this or anything, but I’m pretty sure some good starters would be –

Did your daughter ever find her underwear?
Did you by any chance find a tampon in the freezer?
Is your wife/husband busy tonight?
Do you plan on actually showing up tomorrow?

And then I’ve gotten quite a lot of searches coming here for pregnancy stuff.  I figured I’d write what I know all in one place so you could just find it here…

itchiness and rashes during pregnancy and what to do
First, go see your doctor.  Some rashes can be serious and you may need to be referred to a dermatologist.  If, however, they don’t know what it is or just tell you it’s a part of pregnancy and you get to deal with it, you may want to try the following:
-ask for a steroid cream.  This helped take my rash and took the itch down from CRAZY to manageable
-wear loose cotton shirts – or eh, nothing over the problem areas if you can get away with it.  Lots of air and things not rubbing against your skin makes a ton of difference.
-stay away from scented lotions!  Eucerin calming creme helped mine once I had the CRAZY part of the itch taken care of.
-Drink LOADS of water and eat good and healthy stuff.  It helps more than you know
-Scalpicin for your itchy scalp works too.  So does tea tree oil if you don’t mind being smelly.
-Keep your rash/itchy skin COOL.  Use cold dry rags from the freezer if you must, just keep the area really cool.
-No more hot showers.  Stick to warm showers and make ‘em short with no scrubbing which will just piss your skin off even more.  Trust me, it took me 2 pregnancies to figure all of this out.
-Scratching it will make it worse.  I promise you.  Tie your hands to bed at night to sleep if you must.
-Peppermint oil and lavender oil (therapeutic grade) mixed with a carrier oil may help some as well.  I didn’t experiment much with my oils at first b/c I was kind of scared to, but those would be the first I’d try being pregnant and all…

overly sick during pregnancy and what to do and what it is
By overly sick, do you mean like morning sickness only EXTREME?  If so, I can probably help.  Of course, check with your doctor but if most of the labs come back okay and you still feel like dog doo, you may have Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  It’s basically just a really BAD case of morning sickness that could end up being serious if you let it go.  Google it, you’ll find all kinds of stuff about it.  At first, I thought my issues were hypoglycemic related but soon found that even though I ate methodically and stuck my poor finger, nothing was adding up.  If you have hyperemesis gravidarum, I’m going to recommend you checking out extra B vitamins, Unisom sleeping pills, and Zofran.  Seriously, these are the ONLY things I found to work.  I tried the ginger, the lollipops, the supplements, and EVERYTHING.  My situation was bad enough that I couldn’t eat ANYTHING at one (or many) point(s) and had to move into my parent’s house for month just so I’d be close to help and the hospital so I could go in and get an IV on a weekly basis.  The unisom pills pretty much help keep you from vomiting all day long (but you sleep instead) and the Zofran is generally given to chemo patients…so it helps with nausea.  None of these things completely cured it, but they helped.  I can honestly say that NOTHING I know of would have prevented this (although if you know the secret, be sure to email me) – not exercise or nutrition or anything else.  I was SO careful.  I had the exact same issues in my first pregnancy, only with this one I was trying to juggle a toddler as well.  And, if you just figured out you probably don’t have this and it’s just regular morning sickness…lucky you.

baby movement
If I remember correctly, I felt some of the first flutters at 18 or 19 weeks during my pregnancy.  For some, it’ll be a little later (or earlier).  Try not to freak out, but if you get a little antsy, head to your OB and have them use the doppler.  You can buy or rent one of those, btw if you’re the wringing-of-hands type.

when is baby viable
I’ve heard that at 25 weeks, with special medical care, if your child is born then it could be considered “viable” outside the womb. This isn’t the same as asking about “full term,” however, which is around 37 weeks.

nesting already
All I can tell you is that I’ve been nesting on and off since my 2nd trimester.  And, with baby L, it was probably as soon as I found out (til I got sick) as she was our first!  I’m sure if our budget would’ve allowed, I’d be nesting even more but somehow painting kitchen cabinets seems much less fun once you realize you’ll be doing it and not hiring help.  I’m 34 weeks and still nesting and don’t feel like I’ll be having this baby any time soon, so I wouldn’t put too much stock into nesting…unless you’re having contractions too.

body hurting, being tired, stomach pains, funny smells, vaginal secretions
Congratulations, you’re pregnant!  During my first pregnancy, I kept a journal full of diagrams of everything that hurt and pretty much everything that happened.  Almost ever cramp (that lasted for more than 30 seconds) and EVERYTHING.  I called our Labor and Delivery center at the hospital a LOT during that time.  This time, I’m way more laid back about the weird body going ons.  Your body will hurt and you will have funky cramps most likely and you will have weird discharges.  If you think you have an infection or something is wrong, by all means…go to the doctor.  And, as for being tired?  All I can say is get used to it.  Add some supplements and if you can fit in exercise, then good for you.  Personally, exercising much makes me feel WORSE during pregnancy, but some folks swear by it.  (It makes me dizzy and sick if I do too much)  But, seriously.  You have a little human growing inside of you, your body IS going to do some really funky and not so pleasant things – just blame the baby.  Or your husband.    I kid.  Sort of.