“You’re a genius!” — I’ve heard it more than occasionally, and really, who am I to argue? If enough people say it, it must be true, right? Sure, sure. We’re just gonna run with it.
Anyhow, do you ever get those AH-HA moments? -Not the kind where you’re about to sneeze but then end up coughing or laughing. No, I mean the AH-HA, a light bulb just went off in my head and ohmygosh it didn’t even short out!! kind of moments.
Yeh, well I don’t get those very often. Probably because I’m a genius. It’s hard being a genius, you know? Sometimes you forget you know stuff and then you remember and suddenly it’s gone again because really, your head is just not big enough to hold all of this massive knowledge. (Which might have to do with my constant headaches. Note to self: Google “genius headaches” because real geniuses don’t go to the doctor, they’re supposed to make their medicine. In their lab. In their basement. I don’t have a basement. Crap.)
Anyways, stop distracting me. I’m trying to tell you something.
Oh yes, it’s dangerous to be a genius. Everybody wants your help. And, sometimes, they just want you dead. Like, for instance, the wasps under my porch steps. I’m pretty sure they could be recruited by the military and earn some major ribbons for their ferociousness. Seriously, these are some really pissed off wasps. I bet they are part of the uncool group of wasps and probably weren’t allowed to hang out with the cool wasps, so now they hate the world. And, they decided to hang out under my porch steps to see if they could assassinate us. Because my whole family is made up of geniuses…it runs in the family or something.
Anyhow, I know all of this because Lorelei came up the steps and a huge SWARM of wasps pummeled her. I saw 4, but it was probably because I was distracted with solving algorithms in my head, so I missed seeing the rest of the swarm. I pulled her and the baby to safety but it was too late. They had gotten Lorelei. And, these things must be freaks. Freak wasps because their stingers are HUGE and left a gaping hole in her leg. That might be why they’re so mad. I’d be mad if I was a freak wasp, too.
I pulled her up onto the couch and she was all “I’m DYYYINNNGGG, they’re trying to KIIILLLL MEEEEEEE!” in her little toddler wail as she held on to her leg. I didn’t really know what to say, because she’s probably right. Not about the dying part, but it probably was an assassination attempt. I called my mom because DUDE, doesn’t everyone call their mother after someone tries to kill them and their family? I mean, I would’ve called my body guard, but nobody seems to want that job. Probably because my life is so dangerous, you know…being a GENIUS stay at home mom and all.
Mom said I should put a baking soda paste on it and I was all like “PBBTTT They’re expecting that! And…I have a black couch!!” So, I looked in my arsenal of things and brought out the activated charcoal. Everybody has activated charcoal in their medicine cabinets, right? I mean, you never know when someone might try to gas or poison you. Come on people, be smart! Gosh, there I go again, forgetting I’m a GENIUS and not everybody is as smart as me. Sorry bout that.
Then, in an effort to make Lorelei feel better, mom came over and brought an assortment of goodies. I tried convincing her that a parfait from McDonalds would make us ALL feel better, but she clearly disagreed (that, and apparently the cars in line at McD’s didn’t understand that it was an emergency, so they wouldn’t just move the heck out of the way.) At the bottom of the bag, there were 2 cans of spray. YEH! Protection! Retaliation! LET’S KILL THEM and AVENGE MY BABY’S LEG! YEAH! Wait, why does this say ant spray on it? I looked at her through squinty eyes, trying to figure out if she thought this was funny or if perhaps, she’d lost it. “All I had was ant spray and it worked for me!” She said. So, most likely, I have ant wasps…no wonder they’re ticked off.
Anyhow, I made a black charcoal paste and it took the swelling down. But it was only temporary. A day later and half her leg was swollen and icky. Tricky poison!! So, I put more paste on it and today…it looked like this:
The swelling and redness had gone down, but what’s that? TWO sting entrances? Awesome. (Poor kid.)
In other news, Aurora is cutting her two top first molars. TWO. One on each side. I was going to share a picture for her, but I really didn’t think you all would appreciate seeing the diarrhea diapers this produces.
You know you’re in trouble when your toddler runs into the bathroom while you’re trying to take a shower in peace and yells “MOMMY! Aurora is getting poop all over her blankets!!!” – and then the flashbacks of a baby smeared in poop pop through your brain.
*Sigh* Being a genius sucks. I quit.