Today wasn’t supposed to be like this.
I’d held the magical pee wand only a week ago, it’s dark pink lines sending surges of joy through my heart. And, according to some quick calculations on Babycenter, I was a good 6 weeks and 1 day today. and being the neurotic person I am, I decided to do some research in my pregnancy journals.
With both girls, I was incredibly sick (those of you who have history with me on here…or stalk my archives (whichever) know this… in great gory detail. I’m good like that.). So, I was naturally curious as to when I could expect to start vomiting up my grocery funds. Then, curiosity led way to wonder – since, according to the journals I should already be sick. But, wait! Maybe it’s a boy! The magic Chinese Gender Chart says it’s a boy, so why not? Maybe I just don’t get sick with boys. Oh, heck to the yeah!
But, then there were the slight cramps…and the bit of light brown spotting (not much), but it’s enough to make me just want to know there’s a heartbeat. To know everything is going okay in there.
So, long story short…I went in for an “official” pee test. It was positive. Obviously. Only, the line was incredibly faint, where it had been much darker on mine. And, after asking about the quality of the tests, I was informed that those tests were STELLAR, better than mine. – Which only leaves one to question: Have my levels dropped THAT dramatically?
After the pee test, came the first ultrasound. There was nothing to be found. That ultrasound beget another ultrasound from a different office – which also found nothing. No heartbeat. No sac. No baby. Nothing.
I’m supposed to be 6 weeks pregnant, but there’s nothing there.
In the same sentence, I was told not to give up all hope yet and not to have high hopes.
I don’t know how to do that.
Because for me, this isn’t a set of multiplying cells. This is my baby. And I want it.
NOTES:
-My blood was drawn for hcg levels. Must go back in 48 hours for round 2 of Ashley The PinCushion. (I’m actually looking forward to it.)
-I may be: miscarrying, have a blighted ovum, chemical pregnancy, naughty baby that’s hiding from the ultrasound wand (it does look scary), earlier in my pregnancy than we thought due to miscalculations OR fertilization didn’t happen right away.
I’d really appreciate your prayers. I’m going to go take another pregnancy test (same brand I used when I first find out) to go compare line darkness because, yes, I am that neurotic. AND, because I can’t not do nothing. I figure if it’s just as dark as my other one, it means that my levels haven’t plummeted THAT low (as suggested by the “official pee stick”) and maybe then I can sleep tonight.
Welcome back!
