Get intimate.

If your marriage is struggling, or you’re in the middle of a disagreement, intimacy may be the last thing on your mind.

“Why would I do that?” You may ask.

Well, because as a great friend of ours says, “Sex doesn’t fix everything, but it creates an atmosphere in which anything can be fixed.”

It’s true.

Plan a special night (or day) for your spouse.  Make it special, make it romantic.

If your spouse loves picnics and flowers, plan that.  If your spouse is a little more adventurous, plan for that.

They’ll appreciate the thought you put into things and the intimacy that you will share will help you both come together to tackle the other hard things in your marriage.

Welcome back!

I get it.

Sometimes, people can’t handle “different.” It makes them uncomfortable. It makes them fidget. It forces them to think, and that’s just scary for some.

I get it.

I want five children…and I’m really tired of hearing the CRAP.  It seems to only come from people who have 1-4 children and I. DON’T. GET. IT.  I KNOW it won’t be easy all of the time, I KNOW it won’t be SIMPLE, I KNOW it won’t always be fun – but, I’m not having children in the first place for my own simple selfish pleasures.  In fact, the idea of it being something selfish is pretty ludicrous to me – Get sick for 3 months straight each pregnancy (to the point of hospital stays), birth five babies with as little pain medicine as I can tolerate, be the target for endless vomit and poo, holding babies while they scream in my ear just to make them feel safe, give up my favorite activities so I can give my children what they need, spend money on diapers and things my kids want instead of the latest new gadget or tropical vacation, choose to stay with my children all day long instead of sending them to a school so I can teach them everything they need to learn.  No, it’s definitely not out of selfish reasons.

And, it’s extremely hurtful to hear someone tell me (or someone else) that they sure hope Steven and I aren’t pregnant right now.  Or, that we aren’t “allowed” to have any babies because of our “circumstances.”  Our CIRCUMSTANCES?  Which one?  The one where my husband has a job where he works hard, daily?  Or, is it the “circumstance” where we finally live among people and family that loves us that might bother you?  –Or, the fact that we are living plenty comfortably right now?  We won’t be asking for permission from a person when God says “It’s TIME,” I can assure you that.

Then, there’s the “discipline.”  If my disciplining MY (as in, not YOURS) child bothers you, then …imagine your kid, I guess.  I want my child to be respectful of others, I want to raise a child who doesn’t kick and hit other children, who is sensitive to other people. I want to raise a Godly child who loves, not torments, other kids.  I expect a child to respect property and not to paint on it, color on it, chew on it, poop on it, or to jump on it.  I expect my child to stop when I say “no” and not to be wild during quiet moments of prayer.  My child isn’t perfect, and perfection isn’t my goal but I know my child more than any other human on this planet.  I’m sorry if you don’t agree with my parenting or think I’m not doing a good enough job, and if you are a perfect parent, please do send me your resume – but, otherwise?  I don’t want your philosophies crammed down my throat unless I ASK for advice.

Lastly, I don’t care what YOU choose to do to your own body.  I won’t judge you, and it’s none of my business.  And, I mind my  own business when it comes to how you raise your own children and the things you allow or put into their environment, regardless of what I think or feel about it.  But, when it comes to my kids and my body, I expect to be respected.  More specifically, when it comes to lighting up around my children, I expect you to take it outside.  I understand it’s YOUR CHOICE.  Your body.  But, if it involves my body or my kids’ bodies, I expect YOU to respect us.  For the most part, we try really really hard to be accommodating, we try to not say much or to make much of a deal about things.  But, when it comes to this one thing, it’s not something we can just be quiet about.  I’m allergic to cigarette smoke.  I get mind-numbing headaches along with typical allergy symptoms that last for DAYS after the exposure.  My children have inherited this from me.  Besides the fact that it’s nasty and it stinks and it kills our insides, it affects us in a huge way in the moment.  Despite trying to scrub my the nicotine from children’s bodies, their eyes are swollen and red today and the baby’s nose won’t stop running and she won’t stop pulling at her ears.  Coincidence?  No, it happens every time.

I don’t expect for everyone to agree with everything I do.  I don’t expect everyone to jump onboard some metaphorical train.

But, a little respect and a little less condemnation would be pretty nice right now.

Practice fighting…fairly.

With your spouse, come up with a list of rules for fighting fairly.  Some really great ones to start with are:

1.  Deal with the HERE and NOW.  (Don’t bring up the past over and over again.) <—this one can be really hard!

2.  Use “I” statements.  I feel _______when___________because_________________________.  When you start a statement with “You make me feel…” , the other person automatically gets defensive and begins to close their heart.  With a closed heart, nothing can be accomplished.

3.  Listen and Hear.  Don’t be so caught up in YOURSELF that you forget to hear what your spouse is feeling too.

4.  Attack the issue, not the person.

5.  Limit your discussion/fight to no more than 30 minutes.  When your time is up, you have to move on.

6.  Don’t get too heated.  If you feel your blood boiling to the explosion point, call a time-out.  Have an understanding that you aren’t walking away from each other, then take 20 minutes and come back and resolve it.

7.  Don’t say EVERYTHING.  Honesty is GOOD.  But, saying everything you feel and think isn’t always.  Think about how it will affect the other person.  THIS DOES NOT MEAN LIE.  IT MEANS MONITOR YOUR FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS so as to not say hurtful things in the heat of the moment.

8.  Hold hands.  If you are holding hands while fighting, it’s hard to get too mad.

9.  Ask questions that clarify, not questions that judge.

10.  Realize that it is NOT a weakness to realize you were wrong and to apologize.  Make it okay to back down, for the other to change their mind.

11.  Argue quietly.  Don’t yell.

12.  Don’t say the words “always” or “never.”

13.  Don’t leave the premises.  If you need a break to cool off, take one, but don’t leave the premises.

14.  Don’t involve other people’s opinions.  The two of you need to get through this.  HOWEVER, occasionally an intervention may need to happen in extreme cases.  If you think this is one of those times, you should seek someone you trust who cares about your marriage and would have BOTH of your best interests at heart to confide in for an extra “view” on the situation.

Check out this conference at Lake Barkley.  It’s one day and will speak volumes.  And, if you sign up before the end of January, you get to sign up for $10/person.

Keep a notebook about the little things that makes your spouse smile – from clean dishes (that she/he didn’t have to do) to foot rubs to their favorite tv shows.  Pick something from it often to surprise him or her.  (It can be gifts AND/OR gestures)

I knew I had made a list like this, but when I went to find it…it wasn’t easy.  And, it was an older list!  I’ve updated it a little to reflect how my life circumstances have changed (I no longer have room for some of the things that were on my list, or some of them had been purchased)…

My 100 things:

1.  Burt’s Bees Chapstick.  With Peppermint.  Nothing works as good.
2.  Crazy/Funky cloth napkins.
3.  Clothes.  I love shopping at stores like Charlotte Russe, Limited, Ann Taylor Loft, Gap, Old Navy, etc.  Depending on the store, my size is always different.  But, that at least gives you an idea of my “style”
4.   Essential Oils Desk Reference : These are super great and Amazon is actually out, but you could go to the publisher’s site and order one there hint hint.
5.  Gourmet cupcakes (meaning, not from Walmart.  Rich yummy flavors with homemade icing and all prettified)
6.   Cake Bible
7.  A Story Of A Lifetime Book
8.  This serger.  This has been on a list for about 3 years.  (I’m showing proof that my tastes don’t really change that much)
9.  pretty terrariums
10. Chocolate, caramel, and pecans…together!
11.  Tollhouse mini chocolate chip cookies (like the brownie bites, but chocolate chip)
12.  Reeses Pieces or Reeses Peanut butter cups
13.  Young Living Essential Oils
14.  I love the “all natural stuff” that you buy at the health food stores
15.  Crafty stuff.  I love it all, mostly.
16.  The smell of my favorite cookies
17.  Scent of honeysuckle
18.  Fruity scents
19.  Massages
20.  A book on woodworking ( a really good one)
21.  Tools for woodworking
22.  these socks - But not the toe or flip flop socks…
23.  A “table” to fit into our new place.  Basically, it’s a taller table and big enough for two people to sit on one side.  Has caster wheels that lock, simply built.  2 “stools” to go with it, that slide neatly under the “table”  Table would have inexpensive countertop material for the top, and I can move it to also be an “island” (we don’t have much countertop space either).  PLUS, when we move, it’ll be great in the kitchen OR a craft room!
24.  Music.  I like music.
25.  The double hammock from hoopers that can attach to any tree that I’ve wanted for 5 years.
26. zany Stationery
27.  Wax seal kit
28.  Organizational stuff.
29.  Trips.
30.  I want to go to Disney World
31. Vancouver
32.  Sand Diego
33. Los Angeles
34. Las Vegas
35.  TAZO pomegranate and plum green teas.  Oh geez.  Yum.
36.  Mini colorful outdoor paper lanterns (bright colors)
37.  Funny stuff
38.  Random things (although, I don’t do much when it comes to knicknacks)
39.  Framed Photographs
40.  Blank canvas for me to paint
41.  Gesso for the canvas I have
42.  A grain mill.  That would be awesomeness.
43.  Food Network Magazine
44.  Country Living Magazine
45.  Family Fun Magazine
46.  A really cute cooking apron…REALLY CUTE like this one
47.  Bed and Breakfasts —staying at them
48.  Science experiment kits – - You know, the really awesome ones for highschoolers/middleschoolers?  Yeh.
49.  I like earrings.  I hate bracelets (although if you make me one, I’ll forever cherish it…just not wear it).  I blame my wrists which are bony.
50.  Black stillettos.  Because I have none.  I know, right?  I won’t post my shoe size because I’ll never hear the end of the mockery, but you can email me for sizes.
51.  I like really cute adorable pajamas…the ones that have cute prints on them and have sweet tshirts that go with them (or just the pants).  NOT the sexy sort.  I don’t actually wear PJs to bed, I lounge in them, and answer the door when the UPS gal comes, so sexy doesn’t work for those.
52.  Awesome books
53.  Roses.  I like roses.  Especially really different ones.  They should come with roots and a pot so I can plant them and they can grow FOREVER!
54.  Starbucks iced frappucino.  Caramel with shots of chocolate.
55.  Gardenias
56.  Tulips
57.  Beautiful throw pillows
58. Stuff by Anne Taintor
59.  Heck, I’m only on 59???  Plane tickets.
60.  Somebody pay my way for BlogHer 2010!!  Haha (Hey, this is my list of wants, and I’m getting strapped for 100!)
61.  Make me something.  I will love it, I swear.
62.  Compost
63.  Tix to a broadway show…at the Carson Center
64.  2 cheapo bedside tables.  White.  Like these.  Only, I’m cool if they were used and need painting and sanding
65.  Umm…a basic white plant stand (I think they have them at the company store?).  Nothing all wiry, just simple wood.  Simple lines.  Nothing expensive.  Just something I can put indoor plants on in front of the window so my cats won’t eat them.
66.  makeovers at the MAC (makeup ) store
67.  I want to go on a hot air balloon ride
68.  My favorite colors are raspberry pink and caribbean blues and turquoises.  If you don’t know what raspberry pink is…HERE.  I don’t know what the frick that thing is, but it’s the right color.
69.  I also love bright orange (not neon colors), lime (as in the fruit, not neon) green, and lavender
70.  I like fun, fresh designs and patterns
71.  I also like girly stuff.
72.  I’m running out of room, so I’ll start posting sizes.
73. Waist: 24 inches
74.  Hips: 33 inches
75. I’m about 5?1? and that should tell you loads about length
76.  Depending on brand, I can wear small  If it’s super small sizes, I can sometimes wear a Medium (like Hollister – but hollister cleans my wallet out and we are not currently friends)
77.  Same with bottoms.  Generally I wear an Small or 2.  Depending on the brand.
78.  Shoes…5.5 to 6
79.  A is for Aprons (pattern book).
80.  Pan Fried Asparagus and Amanda’s Poppy Seed Chicken.  yum
81.  I love wacky “kits”.  Like…cupcake kits, make your own this or that kit, sushi kit, etc.  Whether it’s a store bought already put together kit, or you put it together.  I go crazy over kits.
82.  I also love pampered Chef
83.  And Athleta.com
84.  ShabbyApple.com
85.  I love pier one an the World Market.
86.  I am a romantic.
87.  Seriously, I love almost anything.  Kiwi Magazine, Wondertime, and Mothering (in that order)
88.  Katie Glisson’s “goulash” – which is unlike any goulash I’ve ever tried
89.  Stephanie’s taste in music
90. I like to learn more about my friends.
91.  I like movies but hate owning a bunch.  Hence, we netflix and borrow alot.  Way better.  I like going to the theater occasionally but mostly I end up having to pee and trying to hold it the whole time as some shit kicks the back of my seat (while I need to pee).
92.  I can transform from the whole girly girl to the outdoor chic in like .5 seconds.  Which reminds me, a good all natural and non harmful mosquito and tick repellant would be cool.
93.  I like cooking as long as it’s fun and experimental.  (i.e. I don’t fry chicken or make meatloaf – common southern dishes – unless I’m making them with a twist.  I prefer to eat and cook other stuff).
94.  I pretty much don’t wear camo.  Sorry.
95.  I love hilarious graphic (fitted ) tees.
96.  I love learning.  And, right now, I’m really into natural healing and all that comes with.  And, of course…I want to learn woodworking.
97.  I like fabric.  Colorful, fun, bright, modern, fresh fabric (to sew with).
98.  Almost done!  YES!  The romantic in me loves redenvelope.com, the simple/mod gal in me loves IKEA (although we dont have a store anywhere around here), the neatfreak in me loves the Container Store, the interior designer in me loves Crate and Barrel, Pier 1, and Pottery Barn (occasionally) and World Market.  The crafty in me loves etsy.com and the weirdo in me loves uncommongoods.com.  And the total nerd in me loves bookstores.  Period.  lol
99.  Other interests of mine are: homeschooling , psychology, natural healing and alternative medicines…and I think I’ve told you the other stuff.
100.  It’s not so much the stuff, as it is the experience and the thoughts behind it.  If I know you spent time to make me something or really really put  thought into a gift or an “action,” I’ll love it – no matter what it is.  This list is not a beggar’s list, it was REALLY hard for me to fill 100 things.  It’s a guide.  It’s a way to know me better.  And, if you want to use it, you can.  If not, that’s hunky dorey, too!

My dear husband seems to think I’m really hard to buy for, and I disagree…I could buy for me all day long with someone else’s money.

So, here’s my list of things I really really like.  (There are more lists all over this blog, but I’m gonna put this one in a safe place like on his pillow.)

1.  Essential Oils Desk Reference : These are super great and Amazon is actually out, but you could go to the publisher’s site and order one there hint hint.

2.  The double hammock from hoopers that can attach to any tree that I’ve wanted for 5 years.

3.  This serger.  This has been on a list for about 3 years.  (I’m showing proof that my tastes don’t really change that much)

4.  A grain mill.  That would be awesomeness.

5.  Cake Bible

6.  A Story Of A Lifetime Book

7.  This, this, this, this, this, this, and this.

8.  pretty terrariums

9.  Fake teeth (please click over)

10.  And lots of other stuff…

Resolve to say only nice things TO and ABOUT your spouse, today.

Get to know your spouse better.

Today, come up with a list of 10 questions – things you don’t know about your spouse but would like to.  Hopefully, they’ll want to participate and will come up with questions for you, too.  If not, that’s okay.

If you feel like you know everything, ask silly questions like:

- If you were stranded on an island and could only have 3 things, what would you take?

-If you had to be stranded on an island for the rest of your life, what would it look like/be like?

-If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be and why?

-If you could have a superpower, what would it be?

-Would you rather eat the same thing everyday or never be able to eat the same thing twice?

Let your minds wander and explore each other’s thoughts.  Feel free to go deeper into this exercise and begin dreaming together, and feel free to dig into more “touchy” subjects together.  Just remember that this is a time of sharing and getting to know each other…not to cut each other down or belittle the other for their thoughts and answers.

-

Realize your spouse was never meant to be your everything.

However, God was.