1.  I just don’t get seams up the back of panties.  I just don’t.  I don’t understand the panties with the holes for “butt cleavage” either.  Most people need MORE fabric, not less.  And, I don’t need to see your crack…I know you have one, just don’t need to see it!

2.  I like my minivan.  Not because it looks cool and what-not.  Just, because…I don’t care.  And, I want 5 kids.

3.  I enjoy proving you wrong when you try to make me feel stupid…especially when you do it in front of others.

4.  I don’t really chew gum much.

5.  Homeschooling and learning (myself) excites me.  I love it.  I also love teaching but am really glad I didn’t finish my degree in teaching.  Kids with bad attitudes that don’t listen or obey drive me crazy…even mine.  Actually, I stay crazy.

6.  I don’t really care if you homeschool or public school, cloth diaper or disposable diaper, let your child roll in the dirt or bathe them in hand sanitizer, choose to vaccinate or not vaccinate, or how you choose to spend (or not spend) your money.  It may mean we have less in common (or more), but it won’t make me like you less.  –Unless of course, you try to make me feel like crap about MY family’s decisions.

7.  A teacher once told us that once we became published, we could make up our own words and break grammar rules.  I took her seriously.

8.  Misspelled words drive me crazy.  –Less crazy if it’s just one out of 300 words…unless it’s my writing, and then I have to fix it ASAP.  Therefore, I can’t text with people who use the new “txting language” or their own made up words.

9.  Sometimes, I get loud.  But, I don’t get LOUD.  (Look it up on Urban Dictionary.)

10.  I don’t think that threatening your kids that if they don’t stop fighting over the hermit crabs, you’ll feed them to the fish in the pond is bad parenting.  I think it’s creative. 

And…despite what Subway may say, I DON’T believe raw bacon is a healthy snack choice…nor does it belong on my sandwich.

Welcome back!

(Yes, both are words.)

Lately, I’ve been praying the same prayer for myself – I’ve been asking for contentment, to be satisfied with what I have.

It’s no secret that I’ve found difficulty in accepting this new “house,” or leaving the things we left behind.  It’s not really a secret that while I don’t have a need to eat off of my floors, I do appreciate a general clean-ness.  It’s also not a secret that I’ve really been struggling with figuring out how to transition from one place to another, especially when it comes to space and storage.

When we moved, it was hasty and we had to choose fast.  We had to find a home, and when we chose this place, we thought we were choosing the best place possible for the money.  We thought we could clean it up, make it great.  Until the electricity was switched on.

Suddenly, we saw walls with spackle covering the cheap wallpapered “walls” (it’s a mobile home).  We saw carpet that had worst spots than we thought, edges coming up, threatening to be pulled up by baby hands or tripped over.  Trim around the doors popping off…trim on the walls…popping off.  Pieces of floor no longer sturdy, that give way to the pressure of your feet in spots due to past water damage.  Oh yes, we found many lovelies.  And, after asking the landlord if WE could fix it and take it off of our rent, we were told not only that no, we could not, but also reminded that we’d already paid the deposit and first month of rent.

After buckets of bleach (which should tell you the original state of this place since I despise bleach), bucket upon bucketful of dirty water pulled from the carpets, and lots of elbow grease, we moved in.  We bought small rugs to cover as much of the floor as possible, trying to pull together the brown window coverings and the circa -1990 ugly blue carpet with almost as ugly throw pillows that contained a similar blue and chocolate browns.  We moved our furniture in, covering as much as we could.  We added little “pieces of home” to make things feel less…traumatic.

It was nothing like the place we moved from.  No brightly painted, cheerful rooms.  No table to sit at for dinner (no room for one).  No yard.  No swingsets for the kids.  No pets.  No kind neighbors, just uncomfortable stares and the feeling of being watched.  Constantly.

So, I’ve been praying.  For contentment.  Because, really…it’s a roof.  And yeh, this whole spring season has been a little rough when the wind starts blowing hard, up and under the “house,” shaking it like a little toy.  Or, when the rain pelts down in a thunderstorm, and you shoot straight out of bed in the middle of the night, looking nervously out of the window.  But, for the most part, it’s not THAT bad.  As in, it could be worse.  It could have had cat pee everywhere.  We could have gangsters as next door neighbors instead of the pot smokers that were there.  There could be “bed bugs” running rampant.  There could be more mold.  It could be in a bad part of town.  It could not have a front porch with a swing (which is the one part I love about it).  It could be infested with rats.  And, I know these things, but being content with the entire situation and this PLACE…it’s still something I’ve been struggling with.

So, it’s been my prayer because I know I should be grateful.

In a way, I guess I feel like I deserve better.  I feel like we’re blowing 550 dollars a month.  From childhood, we’re told that if we work hard and do what’s “right,” we’ll be blessed with good things.  We’re told that if we just work hard enough, we can have whatever we want.  So, after our family has put blood, sweat, and tears into various projects and jobs, just to be knocked down a peg a two way too often…it feels like…well, it feels like we’ve been screwed.  I look around and see people with all of this “good luck” and wonder what we’ve done wrong.  Don’t misunderstand me, I don’t want an expensive car, I don’t need the Viking appliances…I just want a home where I can feel at peace (not a mansion, a home).

But, yesterday, as Steven and I watched a movie called The Shift, something occurred to me.  Something so simple, but so profound.

I don’t deserve ANYTHING.  No, I do deserve things…but if we went by what we “deserved” – by what we’re entitled, we’d all be hanging from trees.  (Thank God for His grace and blood that cleared me.)

I don’t deserve a decent house.  I may mean well and I may love people, but I assure you that if you were tally up my sins, you’d need extra paper.  I’m nowhere near perfect.  So, I’m thankful that we don’t all get what we deserve.

I also don’t NEED a house that’s anything more than this one.  I WANT one (desperately), but God is showing me that what I NEED is something that no man could ever take away from me, something that money doesn’t buy.

Perhaps I should be focusing on just using my talents and energy and time to bless others.  Perhaps I should be thankful that we don’t have  a house tying us down.  –That we don’t have to worry or stress about holding onto things we’ve attained, that we don’t have to spend more time and energy trying to attain more for it, and then to attain those things.  Perhaps.

I’m still struggling.  I don’t have it all figured out.  And, my prayer still remains the same.  Contentment.

I look forward to the day that I can see this period of time as a blessing, that I can look back and see what God was busily working on.

This past Sunday, our preacher asked us to take 2 minutes to write a list of those people who have made an impact on our lives – the people who have helped gotten us where we are today.

Names floated through my brain, as I silently ticked off the ways they’d made a difference.  Then, the next instructions came:  Over the next week, we are to send cards (or phonecalls) to people on our list, letting them know how they’d blessed us.

Oh, wait.  So, what do I do with the people that impacted my life…but not necessarily in a “blessing” sort of a way?  Do I get to send them a card, too?  (<—mischevious grin)

Dear Such-and-such,

Thanks for making my life miserable, and along the way, teaching me some very valid points.  I’ve become such a better person while trying not to be what you are.  Thanks for blessing me.  Hope one day I can bless you back. 

Love,

Me

Or, maybe not.  After a little vigorous erasing of names, my list is still quite long – full of people who have blessed me in big ways and small.  And, this week, I’m going to do my best to thank some of them (although I will never make it through the ENTIRE list of people who have made a positive impact on my life, and I’m sorry for that.  I do still appreciate you.)

And, above all of that, I’m on a mission.  This week, I will be consciously trying to be a blessing to someone else EACH DAY.

I urge you to try it to, because by being a blessing to someone else, we spread love.  We spread hope.  We spread the very message of Jesus Christ.

It feels like we moved from this:

(photo: not by me)

To this:

(photo: also, not by me)

Granted, we have indoor plumbing and a few other modern conveniences that the model above doesn’t – all of which we certainly pay for.  There are some similarities, though…our walls are both made of cardboard (mine just have wallpaper on them), they aren’t exactly “stable” in inclement weather, and…oh, the space issue.

Yesterday, I was thoroughly embarrassed when our neighbor wanted to come in and see my book collection (which included titles that were of interest to her).  Although we’ve been “moved in” for months now, many of the rooms look like a loaded closet just threw up in them.  And, unfortunately, if you weren’t here several months ago, you wouldn’t understand the improvement.

I’ve set up bookcases galore (we can’t hang heavy things, so hanging wall storage isn’t an option here), but despite that, there’s just not enough PLACES for things!  In the living room, we’ve maximized space and literally have no more wall space to add anything unless it was a pair of shoes…or, unless we didn’t want to open the front door.  At all.

I’m aware that there are some great “creative” storage pieces…like pontoon boat style seating (where the seat raises up for storage) and all of that neat stuff.  But, generally a cheap budget won’t really coincide with those things…unless it’s duct taping things under your couches.  (Hmm…the landlord did say no big nails, but he didn’t say anything about duct tape…)

So, I’m feeling discouraged.  After being in my neighbor’s home (who homeschools, has a business, and manages to keep a very tidy home), I’m feeling less than adequate.

My home almost looks like a small tribe of compulsive hoarders live here, but I promise that’s not the case.  We just moved from a bigger home with LOTS of room to a much smaller home that lacks a yard.  I’ve worked through my things and really only have 3 garbage bags worth of things to give away (small bags), and after that?  I use everything else pretty often.

(Shh…did you hear that?  The toddler wants me to come look at something.  Nevermind.  It was a booger.)

This morning, I rolled out of bed at a decent hour.  I scrambled into the shower and even prodded my husband enough to get him motivated to move quickly enough to NOT put us behind schedule.  I made up my mind to dress the girls BOTH in dresses.  With tights!!  I mind-wrestled with a very stubborn and suddenly EXTREMELY whiny (as opposed to just moderately whiny) almost-3-year old.  I physically wrestled with a 10 month old as I tried to get her to face outwards so I could put clothes on her (since her just wearing ME wouldn’t suffice).  Neither of my “opponents” were very happy.  We jumped hurdles, mainly clothes baskets and baby dolls and shoes.  I overcame the case of the missing eyeliner (thanks, Lorelei) and decided to draw it on with eyeshadow instead.  And, after all of it, we walked out the door in time to arrive at church in PERFECT time AND with mostly unwrinkled clothes.  YEAH!

It wasn’t until we were 3 miles away from church that we decided we wouldn’t be going – you know, when the van just DIED while we were driving.

Awesome.

(The good news is that ACCORDING TO GOOGLE, it should be a fairly inexpensive and easy fix.)

In an attempt to be and feel closer to God, we often sign up for the latest Bible study, buy the Christian books, and then “do our part” by attending church.  If we feel really motivated, we may even volunteer or at the very least, send a check.

Through all of this, we often pat ourselves on the back with a job “well done” and then go back to our busy lives – with or without God.

Daily, I try my best to walk with God.  Daily, I pray for guidance and His peace (as peace doesn’t just come naturally to me).  And daily, I try hard to not fall into the trap of thinking being close to God is anyhow related to a certain list of objectives for the day.
It’s funny how it can seem so hard just to BE with God.  Just to sit there.  Just to shut up and listen as life whirs by.  It’s even harder when you aren’t sure you can hear anything.

But, I’ve been trying lately…just to BE.  Granted, it’s hard with a husband and two young children – but, even if it’s just a hot shower or being still as they nap or as they run across the playground…it works for me.  It’s wonderful to be back to that place again, where you can talk to God and you can feel Him stirring your soul so intensely and settling peace over you in such a way that it could be nothing else but Him.  It’s wonderful to walk with His embrace and know that no matter how crappy you might feel, no matter how many lies are thrown at you, He is still there – and if you take a little time to just listen and be with Him, He’ll talk to you.

I’ve started this new book, An Altar In The World by Barbara Brown Taylor, and Taylor suggests REVERENCE – taking time to see God’s creation for what it is and being reverent.

So, today I’m going to practice being REVERENT.

“Reverence for creation comes fairly easily for most people. Reverence for other people presents more of a challenge, especially if some people’s lives happen to impinge upon your own.” –Barbara Brown Taylor

Today, I am going to not only look at creation and be reverent, but I’m going to practice reverence for other people.  Today, I’m going to see past the finger that flips me off in traffic, see past rude comments, see past all the things that drive me nutty nuts.  Today, I’m looking for God in people and choosing not to be hung up on their people-ish-ness (It’s my new word, isn’t it snazzy?)

Because, when it comes down to it, none of us are perfect and yet God loves us all despite ourselves.

Maybe in the process it’ll make me a more love-able person, too.

One of the books I’m working on is SPIRIT CONTROLLED TEMPERAMENT by Tim Lahaye.  By working on, I mean reading as it’s already been written   I came across this personality test and am pretty interested to see what your results are.

Directions:  Beside each quality write a number, 1-5 with 5 being the qualities that best describe you.  You do NOT have to have a certain number in each line (for example, you don’t have to have 4 different numbers in the first line).

Choleric    Phlegmatic   Melancholy   Sanguine

___ optimistic    ___ very quiet   ___ deep feeling  ___ emotional

___goal-oriented   ___pessimistc   ___sensitive   ___difficulty keeping resolutions

___self-confident   ___introvert   ___self-centered  ___compassionate

___activist    ___not aggressive  ___easily offended  ___impractical

___domineering   ___indecisive   ___faithful friend  ___easily discouraged

___aggressive    ___slow & lazy  ___self-sacrificing  ___undisciplined

___leadership ability   ___easy going   ___likes behind the scenes ___weak-willed

___stick-to-it-iveness   ___calm & cool  ___suspicious   ___talkative

___strong-willed   ___efficient   ___introspective  ___enjoyable

___Hot-tempered   ___dependable   ___perfectionist  ___friendly

___insensitive    ___witty, dry humor  ___harbors resentment ___restless

___unsympathetic   ___teases   ___creative   ___difficulty concentrating

___determined    ___selfish   ___moody   ___lives in present

___decisive    ___orderly habits  ___critical   ___egotistical

___sarcastic    ___stingy   ___indecisive   ___impulsive

___practical    ___stubborn   ___pessimistic   ___difficulty with appointment

___outgoing    ___spectator in life  ___idealistic   ___optimistic

___self-sufficient   ___works well under pressure  ___introvert   ___outgoing
Next, add up the numbers in each column, discounting the 1s and 2s (they’re so low, they don’t matter).  Then calculate the final score.  The highest score is your dominant trait (you CAN have a mix).

Choleric: ______

Phlegmatic:______

Melancholy:______

Sanguine:_______

You can also have 2 friends take this test about you to make sure you see yourself as your friends see you.

So, what is your DOMINANT temperament of those 4?

Later on, I’ll write out what each of those means (I’ll paraphrase, anyhow.  You can read the entire book by Tim Lahaye).

I’m struggling.

I’ve woken up and wiped the sleep from my eyes.  I hear whir and a whoosh, and tilt my head to look around me at my surroundings.  Another whooooosh!  Something tickles my ear and I reach up, running my hands along something new and unfamiliar.  As I explore the thick strands of something unknown around my face, I feel the slightly jagged edges and the wet dew.  It’s grass.  Jumping up, I look around, confused.  In the middle of the battle grounds, there I stand.  I don’t know how I got here, but here I am.  An arrow whizzes by, too close to my face and suddenly I realize what all of the whirring and whooshing had been.  I’m being shot at and I have no idea from which direction.

I’m struggling.

A friend asks how I am, only to cut me off immediately.  You are not loved.

My blog link isn’t included among those of everyone else I know.  You are not important.

A handful of emails and phone calls go unanswered over a span of time. You are not worthy.

The tears aren’t noticed.  You are invisible.

My current “battles” are less than new, and I’m not finished fighting them yet.  In fact, I’m just now getting around to facing them.  Then, someone says:  “You’re not over that yet?” You are not good enough.

I am not invited.  You are not wanted.

Someone betrays me.  You are not worthy of love or friendship.  This is MY fault.

Someone tells me “no.”  No, because it’s you.

An argument erupts because my “feelings” aren’t what I SHOULD be feeling.  You are not understood.

A blog is posted and after I scrape out the contents of my heart onto a concisely printed page, I hit “publish,” terrified.  Still, my home is filled with silence. You are alone.

Not a word is said after I miss an important event because getting out of bed was just too much that day.  You are weak and you will not be missed

Lately, the arrows have been coming in fast and hard, occasionally grazing my flesh.  Daily, now, I’m fighting so hard to not let these lies become my truth.

I need to clear the clutter – in my home, my brain, and my schedule.

My personality is one that likes to do many things and likes to be helpful – but the downside is that sometimes I fill my schedule with meaningless but busy things and sometimes I just clutter my life without really doing the things that mean the most to me.

About a month ago, I reached out to a friend of mine – I look up to her in many ways, one of them being her search for SIMPLICITY.  She’s promised to let me “shadow” her when she gets back from a trip to see how she manages a few things in her home.  In the meanwhile, though, she sent me this great recording from Preschoolers and Peace (thank you, Sara!).  Basically, Kendra Fletcher goes through her biggest organizational tips and what works for her (she’s a mom to 7, including a baby and a 3 year old!).

Then, I had my DUH moment.

I’ve been feeling SO busy, but if I look at my planner, it’s not too full.  I mean, 2 days a week I have physical therapy which lasts about a couple of hours (including waiting) and then, I clean one day a week and that’s pretty much it.  So, why does it FEEL like I have no time and why do I feel so STRESSED?

It’s because I have no schedule since we’ve moved.

It’s because our house is a disaster area…since the move.

It’s because I have no clue where most of our belongings are since they’re in one big pile (or so it feels) in the storage building…

It’s because homeschooling hit the backburner, and I feel like I’m wasting my daughter’s time…

It’s because our kitchen/dining room just shrunk and cooking is really intimidating me in this new kitchen since most things are stored out of my reach due to storage limitations and then add in a lack of counter space….

I’m feeling claustrophobic, and no wonder why!  It’s not that I’m too BUSY…it’s that I’m not organized.  –All I want to do is read or paint, but not do the things I NEED to do.

So, this morning, I dug out my Homeschool planner and made a plan for this week (I only do a week at a time so I can move forward or focus more on a certain area as we need).  We took a 2 month break with the bankruptcy and the move and such and I feel like such a bad mommy for not having structured learning time.  It’s not that she hasn’t learned anything, it just FEELS like I haven’t taught her on purpose.  Ah, guilt.  Isn’t it lovely?

Next, I’m going to spend today making up Cleaning Zones.  We adapted these from FLY LADY but toned them down a bit because I really don’t care if you can eat off my floors or not, as long as they are clean (for being floors).  Actually, I might think you a bit odd if you licked my floors anyhow.

Then, I plan to make a very lenient daily schedule for me.

And then… a meal plan.

A few things that make me (temporarily) happy:

fuzzy/super soft socks – I also have two blankets made out of this type of material and they are my FAVORITES.  They are what I run to when I feel my worst (or cold).

fat cute floral bird clips – they’re in the floral arrangement area at Michaels and I love these guys.  They’re fun and funky and colorful with cool feathered tails and wings!

warm vanilla sugar moisturizing anti bacterial handwash from Bath and Body works.  So comforting.

Organizational stuff for my craft room.  I love organizational stuff, especially for my craft room.

Book club.  –One of the highlights of my month, every month.  Yeh, I’m a nerd, so what?  I adore book club and the new books it introduces me to…and the lovely ladies I get to share them with.

caramel apple spice from starbucks.  Yum.

Food Network Magazine.  –Too bad it’s so expensive!

Red Box gift cards.  I don’t know if they even make gift cards, but they totally should.  20 movies for $20?  Now, that’s awesome!

soft, warm sweaters.  I LOVE cute, soft sweaters and wish I had more.  I think most of mine must have died and went to heaven or something, but they’re what I wear most during the winter.