Most of you know this already, but my name is Ashley and I’m a wife and a mom to 2 lovely little girls (3 1/2 and 1 1/2).  I’m a stay-at-home mom, but unfortunately that doesn’t mean I get to sit on my butt eating bon-bons.  When I’m not doing thankless (and mostly un-noticeable after my kids get through with it) housework, I’m homeschooling, tutoring students, baking cupcakes for birthdays and special occasions by special order, crafting, reading, painting, and freelance writing for publications.  And, blogging, apparently.

I’ve been married for 5 1/2 years and I would love to go back to school to finish up my bachelor’s in psychology.  Jesus Christ is my savior and I LOVE God.  I love people and I appreciate everyone who has been put in my life.

15 Things About Me:

Welcome back!

“Nah, it’s probably nothing,” I said to my mother through the phone as I clutched at my chest, struggling to breathe deeply beyond the extreme tightness.  –Hoping that if I could just get in one deep breath, it’d loosen it all up.

Yeh, someday I’m probably going to kill myself.  On accident.

The day before, I’d pushed myself too far.  I’d finally pushed the little red button on the physical therapist’s table after my hands and feet began DRIPPING with sweat and my heart pounded so fast and hard it felt like it’d jump straight out of my chest.  My head pounded along with my heartbeat, deafening my thoughts.  My stomach flipped, threatening to spill its contents.  And, suddenly the room wouldn’t stop spinning.  After a few moments, the assistant released me from the traction machine as I lay there, trying to sip water.  Just trying to will my body into calming down.

It was weird.  Motions I’d gone through a million times before, motions that never brought out even the slightest of responses of this kind.

I’d sat for a few minutes before grabbing my keys and forging forward, just ready to be in my home so I could put my feet up (or clean before my in-laws arrived in a short amount of time as the case was that day).

The tight feeling in my chest never went away.  I was exhausted (for no apparent reason) and ready to be in bed by 8pm.  Then, the next morning, everything seemed fine.

Until it wasn’t.

Out of nowhere, it felt like a hand had reached into my chest and was squeezing my heart.  I couldn’t take deep breaths.  I could breathe, but I felt continuously out of breath.  I felt faint.  Weak.

And then my mom convinced me to go to the ER, after all I DID (do) have mitral valve prolapse – a heart condition – she reminded me.  And, with the enormous amounts of stress I’d been under, it was very possible that even in my 20s I could be having a heart attack or stroke.

So, I went.

After a full 8 hours of laying in a bed alone, they decided that I most likely wasn’t having a heart attack or stroke at that moment.  (I wasn’t consistently hooked up to any given machine except for an IV drip bag that hung from a hook…and that’s not really a “machine”.)  They did a CT scan to check for anything else damaging that could be causing an immediate concern, and turns out I’m allergic to iodine.

I found this out AFTER it’d been sent coursing through my veins.

So, in addition to being a big swollen ball of puffy hives, I’m trying to de-stress my funky heart.

So, if you’d like to help, feel free to pay my bills, buy me presents, make me rich …you know, anything that’d make my life slightly less stressful as I deal with the “bigger” things.  And then, there’s always the jokes, devotions, and cute emails and sweet pictures that you can send.  Or, prayers.  Prayers are pretty good too.

NOTE:  FOR THOSE THAT DON’T KNOW ME VERY WELL, I’M. JUST. KIDDING. ABOUT THE PAYING OF BILLS AND PRESENTS AND GOING OUT OF YOUR WAY THING.  WELL, UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT TO DO IT, I WOULDN’T COMPLAIN OR ANYTHING.  BUT, I DON’T EXPECT IT.  I KNOW I’M “SPECIAL” – JUST NOT IN THAT WAY.

I feel sick.  Like I have a thousand knots all tied together in my stomach.  Like I have the weight of the world crushing in on my chest.  I’m scared.  Sad.  Frustrated.  Hopeful.  Terrified.  My emotions whirl through my head like a hurricane on crack.

And I’m struggling to hold onto the edge, struggling not to lose my footing – even though I’m not even sure if I’m still even standing at this point.

There’s so much I just want to bare.  I want to set it free, to get it out of me.  To be able to breathe.

But I can’t.

Not this time.

Please pardon me while I’m gone for a little while longer, and if you have any extra prayers to send up on my behalf, please do.  I could really use them.

It may seem like I’ve been MIA, but don’t worries. I’ve just been really busy, that’s all. You know, with wasps stalking my house and family and all…

I feel like I should update everyone on my secret killer wasps that probably belong to some military operation. After stinging my friend on her TOE as she was bringing cupcakes in (they probably thought she was smuggling something. Like machetes. Or rifles. Clearly they aren’t geniuses like me. They’re just wasps. Give them a break)… What was I saying? Oh yeh, After stinging my friend, I made a third call to my landlord to ask him to please exterminate the problem. A few people (who clearly don’t know how dangerous it is to be a genius) simply suggested that I should buy some wasp spray, but personally I found some really big issues with that logic: Like, why the heck would I put my face near a hole filled with angry wasps?

So, he came and with his bare hands (and a crow bar), he pulled off the steps to our front porch and found the wasps’ super secret operations base. Obviously they were angry – and I can’t figure out my landlord’s thought process, because IF *I* knew that there were dangerous killer wasps trying to kill geniuses, I wouldn’t have come out in short sleeves and without gloves or a mask to combat them. I would’ve probably dressed up in a snowsuit, but hey, not everyone can be a genius, right?

I’m still really speechless…okay, that’s a lie, I’m almost never speechless… but, he didn’t get stung! Some dude (my landlord, in case you missed it) was destroying their home and you know what they did? THEY FLUNG THEMSELVES AGAINST MY GLASS DOOR!! I would now like to publicly take back my previous announcement that those wasps could be recruited by the military because really, what kind of super smart killer flings himself against a glass door? Repeatedly? With his face?

Mostly they’re gone now, but I did capture one in hopes of interrogating it. I decided to surprise it with some soapy water, but the dumb thing died before he answered anything. I may need to reform my interrogation techniques, but at least I did find out it was a red paper wasp. Whatever that means.

Anyways, they’re gone for now.

So, maybe I can do really important things again. Like blog. Crap.

Crap!

I bet they read the internets!

Yep, you’re in the right place!

With the help of “Judith Shakes,” I’m going with a new look.  I still have things to tweak, but go ahead and take a look around!

Don’t Miss –

• Be sure you check out the “post-it” up top.  You can find me on twitter, facebook, and subscribe to my RSS feed.
• My new advertising page (located on the top bar).
• My version of the “About Me” page – “Not Very Frequently Asked Questions.”
• The search function is B-A-C-K!!

Please, take a look around and find me on Facebook to let me know what you think of the place!  I’m gonna go mess with stuff.  I’ll try not to crash the site. 

The beach in the evening.

Crazy hair.  She’s getting so big.

This is one of my favorite things about the beach: no skyscrapers.

Just can’t get enough of the sand!

“Princess smiles.”

Touching the water.

So happy!

Swinging and sunsets on the beach!

Love.

The new diet: Sand.

Sunsets and s’mores on the beach.

We miss you, daddy!  (It’d been almost 3 weeks since we’d seen him due to training with the military.)

It all began with a simple Facebook status update:

“Is seriously thinking about packing some bags and running away (kids included) for a couple of weeks.”

Which, suddenly became the beginning of a very impromptu road trip.

To Michigan.

With 5 kids between 2 mothers and all of our stuff crammed into one minivan.

For 12 hours straight.

In ONE day, we decided that not only would we go, but we would leave at 5:30 AM THE. NEXT. MORNING.

For the kids (all 5 and under), we packed toys, books, and snacks.

For us ( mothers)… I packed this:

–A boxed set of cards made specifically for ROAD TRIPS!  In each snazzy box are cards with thought provoking questions, trivia, and games to play while on the road.  So, after a few hours straight of catching up and talking, we were both ready to go through the box for a change of pace.

The Box Girls ingeniously designs this box (and others) to provide hours of fun, no matter where you are – and it definitely gave us a little something to do on our trek TO Michigan.  While our kids didn’t play along this time (because we had a hard enough time explaining that YES, WE ARE STILL GOING TO MICHIGAN BUT WE REALLY DO HAVE TO STOP REAL QUICK TO GET GAS/GO THROUGH TOLL BOOTHS/ETC), it’s a great deck to play with kids approximately ages 8 and up (although I know a few kids that are younger and would get the gist of the games and questions).

If you’d like to check it out for yourself (or are just curious as to what it’s all about and would like to see some sample cards), you can go HERE.
Pictures of trip to come

I could, quite possibly, be a psychologist’s dream study.  My inner thoughts and functions are seemingly SO odd.  Well, they seem odd to me, but maybe everybody is like me and we all pretend not to be.

I’ve decided to stop trying to keep up with everyone else.  I can’t cook constant meals and constantly clean and reorganize, consistently going behind my yogurt and banana baby hands.  I can’t do those things and keep my kids educated so they’re “on top” and enrolled in 5 different weekly activities.

Okay, I could.  But, it’d be a battle.  I’m just not cut out for that.

My brain goes in cycles.  And, while it could very possibly be a vitamin deficiency, I think it’s just me and my shade of crazy.  Whatever that is.

My brain goes in cycles – primarily in these categories:

ART
CRAFTS/SEWING
READING
CREATIVE WRITING
ORGANIZING/CLEANING
EXPERIMENTAL COOKING

These cycles generally last from one week to 3 months.  There’s no order, no rhyme or reason.  And, when I’m in one cycle, it blocks the others out.  I RARELY want to create art AND write.  Except blogging, I almost always want to blog.  Unfortunately, last week I was in the Organize/Cleaning mode.  It lasted one week.  Steven was so excited, and then it was over as quickly as it began.  (Actually, to be fair, it was longer than one week.  It began before vacation for a week, then came back.)

And, as you could quite possibly tell by the scattered books covering almost every surface, I am now in the reading cycle.  I’ve already read a book on investing…and am choosing to look at the other fictional books as “research” for my writing.

In the past few weeks, I’ve read:

Return by Karen Kingsbury
Character Makeover by Katie Brazelton
The Girl Who Stopped Swimming by Joshilyn Jackson
Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen
Rich Dad’s Guide to Investing
Savannah Blues by Mary Kay Andrews

(And now, Let Them Eat Cake by Sandra Byrd)

These reading cycles really feel like I’m getting NOTHING done, at least nothing helpful in a “normal person” sense.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still highly functioning   – I’m just spending all of my free time in imaginary worlds right now.  I guess that’s a good problem to have, right?  Anyhow, if you have a great book to recommend – fiction or not – let me know.  While I’m in this “cycle,” I might as well make good use of it.  Who knows where I’ll land next!

I’ve decided I need a duplicate – or preferably, a better version of me.  If you think you’re qualified, please send me a private email.  Only perfect candidates apply, please.  I’m imperfect enough for the two of us.  :)

JOB TITLE: Mother, Mommy, Mom

JOB DESCRIPTION: Permanent position open for qualified individuals.  Must be a team player.  Candidate must be willing to work over-time and will be on-call with no advanced warning at no additional pay.  Must be organized, possess great organizational skills, and be energetic.  Occasional travel will be required.

DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES:

• Management
  - Candidate must be able to manage multiple schedules, must be able to create a master-list of social events for the entire household.  Should be able to anticipate events regardless of memory lapses in husband and children.  Intense memory and psychic abilities preferred.
  - Manage children’s outward appearance – making sure tags are on the inside and no ketchup stains are visible.
  -Manage food preparation and schedule – including the anticipation of children who’s tastes changes in a matter of seconds with no warning given.  Must be able to provide food instantly or mother/mother-in-law/CPS will descend.

• Support
  - Support husband regardless of whether or not it’s his 5th Mid-Life Crisis this year…or if he’s only 26.

• Training
  - Train children in the rules of society with minimal damage.

• Janitorial Services
  - Clean toilets, bath tubs, sinks and all bathroom surfaces.  Repeatedly.  Possibly, daily.
  - Clean couches and upholstery, scraping off all cheesy or chocolate handprints.
  - Clean any fecal artwork from the crib or nearby walls.
  -Educate self and be able to clean “permanent” inks and paints from a variety of surfaces at a moment’s notice.
  - Clean entire house while entertaining children as they undo everything, keeping house presentable for the most unexpected visitors.
  -Effectively clean any mysterious spills or dumps – including but not limited to vomit, urine, feces and tadpoles in creek water.

• Medical Services
  - Provide magical kisses and instantly produce band-aids out of thin air to heal boo-boos
  - Responsible for knowing the intense medical information and be able to perform such things (CPR, Heimlich Maneuver, etc)
  - Assess accidents and medical emergencies with efficiency and calmness.
  -Evaluate children for possible broken bones or head injuries when they miscalculate their super-being abilities.
  -Evaluate fevers for attention needed and willingness to obtain said body temperatures by any means necessary.
  -Be proficient with obtaining rectal temperatures without help.  While child is screaming.  And biting.
  -Be able to tend to own wounds without crying when you find the missing glass from the back window in your foot.

• Food Services and Prep
  - Plan, buy, and prepare food menus according to the ever-changing tastes of all household subjects.
  - Psychically determine possible up-coming taste changes and efficiently modify menus and recipes.
  - Prepare healthy and delicious foods while entertaining and supervising children.
  - Prepare tasty and healthy foods with a limited budget and possibly, limited cookware or cook-space.
  - Be prepared to magically transform 4 servings into 8 servings at a moment’s notice for unexpected guests.
  - Create gourmet meals out of meager ingredients regardless of whether you need to go to the grocery or not.

• Transportation
  - Chaffeur children around town.
  - Possess ability to be in two or more places at once.

• Negotiations
  - Be skilled at making, manipulating, and avoiding all negotiations – especially from those smaller than you.

• Repairs
  - Plan for and be able to execute all un-forseen repairs – from teddy bear arms to a toilet that just swallowed your bracelet.
  - Be willing to learn to repair almost anything – or be willing to suffer without it while you wait for your husband to either do it or for him to call and hire someone else to do it.
  
  
• Education and Psychology
  - Teach, monitor, and study infants and young children in language development and usage.
  - Mentor teenagers, being someone they can look up to.
  - Counsel troubled teenagers and find triggers for all aggressive behavior:  You, apparently.
  - Erase imaginary monsters from troubled sleepy minds.

QUALIFICATIONS: No qualifications required.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: This is a permanent, life-long position.  May possibly lead to GRANDPARENT.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Payment comes in the form of slobbery kisses, hugs, and a forever-altered body image.  The occasional “thank-you, mom” is possible, but rare.
BENEFITS: Great investment opportunities!  Rather than investing in small stocks or real estate, invest in people*!  Limitless opportunities for self-growth and patience-building exercises.

*Investing in people can be incredibly rewarding and can possibly result in the care of you in your elderly saggier version – choices include personal care by your children and enjoying paying them back for every dirty diaper you had to change or a room at private resort-like accommodations with meals included.

This post is my entry to Lovable Labels’ Contest.

As I was reading through (who am I kidding, I was SKIMMING) a book that was supposed to help me learn contentment with my house, a thought came to me – other than the thought that OH MY GOSH, THIS BOOK DOESN’T APPLY TO RENTERS!   The thought was:  It’s an adventure.

Maybe trying to force myself to love the entire situation I’m in is totally the wrong way to go at this.  Maybe I should just try to be mostly happy DESPITE the things that happen to not be so great.  Maybe I should focus less on what I hate about being here…and just see it as an adventure, something that someday I can look back on and laugh about the loose carpeting and fridge shelves that the landlord “fixed” with some tape and tinfoil.

For now, a list to remind me the GOOD things about being here:

1.  I’m closer to my family.  Having lunch with mom or someone to swing by to watch the kids so I can run to the doctor is great.  So is being able to see my friends whenever.

2.  No baseboards mean I can automatically check off the “dust baseboards” item from Fly Lady checklist.

3.  The carpets were so stained and old before I got here, so when one of the girls spills purple juice, I don’t even flinch.  Is there really a stain if you can’t see it?  (I still clean it up, but no longer worry about the new color of the carpet).

4.  When all of the repairs by the landlord involve duct tape and super glue, it makes for a pretty inexpensive repair.

5.  We don’t have to bother ourselves with mowing because there is no yard.

6.  You never have to worry about sleeping in too late – either a car horn or a random flying ball will wake you up (when the ball hits the side of your house.)

7.  I’m fairly confident that there is nothing in this place that my kids could break that wouldn’t be covered under our deposit.

8.  If the kids ever trapped themselves in their room (any room), just a little nudge and we could break the door down so they won’t starve.

9.  The house is full of little entertainment stations…like the piece of “trim” in the doorway that spins.

10.  Most of the windows here need to be replaced, SO that means I could not clean them and nobody would even be able to tell.  They stay gross, even after a good scrubbing (between the glass).

11.  Our “house” is energy efficient, when you plug in more than 2 things in certain areas, it completely flips a breaker for that side of the house.  We’re reducing our carbon footprint!

12.  It has a porch swing.  I love my porch swing.