What Is HCG?

HCG is also known as:  human chorionic gonadotropin.  HCG is produced during pregnancy and can be detected by a blood test 8-11 days after ovulation.  HCG maintains the corpus luteum which is responsible for progesterone production in early pregnancy.

What Are Normal Beta hCG Levels?

There’s a wide range for what is considered “normal” hCG levels during pregnancy.  One hCG level won’t be able to tell you much, but paired with your progesterone level and follow-up hCG levels (they should approximately double every 48-72 hours), you’ll be able to get a glimpse of what’s going on in your body.  LMP stands for Last Menstrual Period.

• 3 weeks since LMP: 5 – 50 mIU/ml
• 4 weeks since LMP: 5 – 426 mIU/ml
• 5 weeks since LMP: 18 – 7,340 mIU/ml
• 6 weeks since LMP: 1,080 – 56,500 mIU/ml
• 7 – 8 weeks since LMP: 7,650 – 229,000 mIU/ml
• 9 – 12 weeks since LMP: 25,700 – 288,000 mIU/ml
• 13 – 16 weeks since LMP: 13,300 – 254,000 mIU/ml
• 17 – 24 weeks since LMP: 4,060 – 165,400 mIU/ml
• 25 – 40 weeks since LMP: 3,640 – 117,000 mIU/ml
• Non-pregnant females: <5.0 mIU/ml
• Postmenopausal females: <9.5 mIU/ml

See the progesterone level chart for more information.

Welcome back!

I’m not a doctor, but after 4 pregnancies (1 was a miscarriage), I’ve learned a lot about the things that come with.  For example…progesterone…

What Is Progesterone?

Progesterone is a hormone that is produced by a woman’s ovaries to help prepare the uterus for pregnancy (it does other things in non-pregnant women).  In pregnant women, it creates a nutrient-rich environment for the baby by producing glycogen and arterial blood to the lining of the uterus.  Progesterone also causes the cervix to thicken and create a mucous plug which prevents bacteria from entering the uterus.

Progesterone Level Chart

(Progesterone During Pregnancy)

First Trimester: 9-47
Second Trimester: 17-147 ng/ml
Third Trimester: 55-200 ng/ml

*Most doctors like to see a progesterone count of 10 or above during the first few weeks of pregnancy.  Low levels may mean an impending miscarriage OR that your dates are wrong/things got off to a slow start.  If your levels are low, you will likely have a repeat blood draw in 48-72 hours to track your progesterone and hcg levels to make sure they rise appropriately.

I’m not the waiting kind.  Besides, I DID wait 2 weeks.  Sort of.

I’M PREGNANT!

I’m a little freaked out since right about now LAST PREGNANCY, I lost my baby…so, I wanted to wait so I wouldn’t have to take back my announcement (which is EXACTLY what happened last time)…but, I’m being hopeful.

And, nauseous…which makes me feel a little better that things are still growing

Anyways, I borrowed this little list from another blog as a way to keep those of you who want to be updated, updated…and those who don’t…less bored

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 6 weeks 1 day
Size of baby: Around the size of a lentil, possibly a sweetpea
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Nada, I don’t think.  I’m just “bloated” feeling.  I’m down to one pair of jeans that fit, now.  Funny how my body remembers pregnancy.
Maternity Clothes: Not yet.  Hopefully not for awhile.
Gender: Probably 12 weeks to go on that one…give or take a little…
Movement: As little as possible.  Oh, wait, you meant the baby?
Sleep: My biological clock is SO MESSED UP.  I no longer wake up at 8:30-9am…now it’s at 3am and then 6:45am…and my preferred bed time is at 8:30pm. 
What I miss: Not feeling like I’m going to puke.  But, hey…I’ll take it as long as baby is okay!
Cravings: Today, I craved pizza.  Mostly, it was the only thing that didn’t make me want to puke thinking about it.  So, there we go.  I’m just really nauseous and almost everything sounds disgusting.
Symptoms: My nausea disappeared for 3 days but is back again.  Lots of peeing, but the cramping has been absent for a week now (yay!)  Not as dizzy and headaches have lightened up, too.  Now, it’s mostly nausea, bloating, peeing, and food moving too quickly through my digestive system.
Best Moment this week: Hoping to see a heartbeat tomorrow when I go to my OB

I figured I could just skip the “no more baby” news with Lorelei – or hoped – I thought maybe if we carefully didn’t mention it again, it’d leave her pretty little head.

Nope.

As I finished up a phone call (through which she’d been playing), she looks over at me and says, “Mama…is the baby dead?”

I suppressed the tears threatening to spill forth.  “Yes, baby.  Remember the baby in mommy’s tummy?  (she nods) Well, it went to be with Jesus.”

“Oh, okay.” She replied with a nod.  I studied her face, watching for any signs of stress so I would know when to stop this conversation.  Her eyebrows knitted together with a look of concern and she said, “So, I won’t have a baby brother? ”

“That’s right.”

“But… I wanted a Shark” (if it was a girl, we’d discussed the name CHARLOTTE as a possibility)

I smiled.  “Charlotte.  You wanted to name the baby Charlotte.  But, Charlotte is a girl’s name and you wanted a brother.  Anyways…it doesn’t matter.  The baby’s with Jesus, now.  And, it’s all okay.”

“Why is the baby with Jesus, mommy?”

“Well, Jesus wanted the baby to come live with Him.  He wanted to hold it.”

Her little face frowned again, “But *I* want him.  I want to hold my baby, too!”

“I know, me too.  And, someday we will when we go to heaven.  But, you know, it’s okay…” I paused, touching her chin.  “Mommy and daddy will work on getting you your brother after a while.  And, besides, you still have a baby sister.  Aurora’s pretty great, huh?”

She slowly nodded as a smile crept across her face.  “I love her.  She’s cute.”

I sit here, staring at my computer screen, not even knowing where to begin.  Emotions have flooded through me, thoughts pounding away.

Quite simply, I don’t know what to do with this.

After all of the bleeding and clotting that came last night (a couple of overnight pads worth), I can’t believe I’d have much left inside.  But, it still keeps on coming.  The cramps have doubled, intensifying as my body pushes out things the ultrasound never picked up.

I’m sad, grieving for a baby I’ll never get to hold here on this Earth.

And, I feel so alone as I pass this baby and the hopes that went with it – with no one in the next room waiting to just sit and be with me.  Yesterday, I waited alone, wondering when it would happen, still clinging to the faintest of hopes that I’d be among the tiny statistics of babies missed on ultrasounds, crazy math, or just wacky hormones doing their thing.  I was hoping this pregnancy was salvageable.

Today, I yearn to climb back into bed with a bottle of tylenol and sleep the world away for a little while.  I cry harder every time a new message comes  – messages meant to inspire and comfort me.  But, all I can do is cry.  For me, it’s not just a matter of “making a new one.”  I didn’t just lose a lego, I’m losing a baby – a baby that can never be replaced and will always be just a shadow in every family portrait.  I can’t re-make THIS baby.  This baby is gone.

I pick up my little Aurora, as she pulls on my shorts, feeling the cramps intensify.  I never thought I’d be doing this alone.  But, really, life goes on…even when it doesn’t.  I’m afraid to answer the phone when it rings, unable to take in another “me too” story.  I’m appreciative of the thoughts behind it, but I don’t think I can hear another one.  Their babies don’t make me feel better about this one.  Somehow, the thought that this happens a lot…and could easily again to me…doesn’t comfort me.

Between the sheets of my bed has become my “sanctuary.”  I just want to curl up and read myself into another time, another place until my eyes close and I drift off to my own altered reality of dreams. ( I wish meals made themselves and that rather than being depended on, I could depend on someone else for a little while.)

I’m hurting and I’m sad.  I’m scared about what this means for the future, and I’m hesitant.  So hesitant.

I realize God uses everything for some bigger purpose – I’ve never doubted that, and there is no anger.  But, it doesn’t make it hurt any less for now.

The spotting has increased – and is no longer an unassuming unobtrusive light brown.  Light contractions and a dull ache has made it’s presence known.  Or lack of, whichever.

My hcg levels came back – 496.  Progesterone, 2.6.  That’s really low.  On both accounts.

Granted, my God is a mighty God, an awesome God – and true, miracles are always possible.  I’m just not banking on my situation being one of them.

496 is a level consistent with anywhere between 1 and 3 weeks pregnancy (says my doctor’s nurse practitioner).  I’m supposed to be at 6.  And, while the numbers could have been swaggered a bit, possibly leaving me at 5 weeks…there’s no way to move it back as far as 3.  Unless everything was just hanging out together, yet not, for a while (the actual fertilization can take up to a little over a week.  CAN.  Two or more weeks would be very unlikely.  Possible, I guess, but in a tiny not so much sort of way.)

Then, of course, the bleeding…which says a lot on its own.

So, there we go.  It’s over.

And yet, it’s not.

Today wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I’d held the magical pee wand only a week ago, it’s dark pink lines sending surges of joy through my heart.  And, according to some quick calculations on Babycenter, I was a good 6 weeks and 1 day today.  and being the neurotic person I am, I decided to do some research in my pregnancy journals.

With both girls, I was incredibly sick (those of you who have history with me on here…or stalk my archives (whichever) know this… in great gory detail.  I’m good like that.).  So, I was naturally curious as to when I could expect to start vomiting up my grocery funds.  Then, curiosity led way to wonder – since, according to the journals I should already be sick.  But, wait!  Maybe it’s a boy!  The magic Chinese Gender Chart says it’s a boy, so why not?  Maybe I just don’t get sick with boys.  Oh, heck to the yeah!

But, then there were the slight cramps…and the bit of light brown spotting (not much), but it’s enough to make me just want to know there’s a heartbeat.  To know everything is going okay in there.

So, long story short…I went in for an “official” pee test.  It was positive.  Obviously.  Only, the line was incredibly faint, where it had been much darker on mine.  And, after asking about the quality of the tests, I was informed that those tests were STELLAR, better than mine.   – Which only leaves one to question: Have my levels dropped THAT dramatically?

After the pee test, came the first ultrasound.  There was nothing to be found.  That ultrasound beget another ultrasound from a different office – which also found nothing.  No heartbeat.  No sac.  No baby.  Nothing.

I’m supposed to be 6 weeks pregnant, but there’s nothing there.

In the same sentence, I was told not to give up all hope yet and not to have high hopes.

I don’t know how to do that.

Because for me, this isn’t a set of multiplying cells.  This is my baby.  And I want it.

NOTES:

-My blood was drawn for hcg levels.  Must go back in 48 hours for round 2 of Ashley The PinCushion.  (I’m actually looking forward to it.)

-I may be: miscarrying, have a blighted ovum, chemical pregnancy, naughty baby that’s hiding from the ultrasound wand (it does look scary), earlier in my pregnancy than we thought due to miscalculations OR fertilization didn’t happen right away.

I’d really appreciate your prayers.  I’m going to go take another pregnancy test (same brand I used when I first find out) to go compare line darkness because, yes, I am that neurotic.  AND, because I can’t not do nothing.  I figure if it’s just as dark as my other one, it means that my levels haven’t plummeted THAT low (as suggested by the “official pee stick”) and maybe then I can sleep tonight.

I have this ball of emotions and incoherent thoughts rumbling through my body, ready to take me captive at the first sign of weakness. And, for the most part, I really don’t want to pick through them to be able to write, to record. I don’t want to remember this. I don’t want to feel this. But, what’s “healthy” versus what I feel like doing, are probably two completely different things.

So, instead…here’s my burst of anger. My venting.

(PS – If you don’t like real…or if you tend to think things are about YOU, you should probably turn back now. As in, stop reading. I’ll try to follow this post up with cute and cuddly puppies that fart rainbows and skittles.)

Wednesday, I started bleeding. Thursday, I couldn’t get out of the bed because it was so heavy and the amount of cramping and nausea completely took over. Friday, the same. Saturday, I ventured out for a few hours but then found out quickly that it was way too soon to stand up for more than 3 hours. Sunday, the same.

It’s hard to think about what could’ve been, what might’ve been.

And, I’m dealing. The best way I know how. Which, might be at this point to just not deal.

For several days, I didn’t really mention anything except to my husband and mom and a couple of friends for advice as to whether I’d need to take a next step or if my body would take care of things on it’s own. I didn’t know what I thought or felt, beyond the ball of emotions and thoughts. I didn’t want to join some special club with special handshakes and secret forums. I didn’t want to face the possibility of insensitive comments.

I am not in need of a sermon. I don’t think I’m being paid in full for sins I’ve committed past. I don’t feel abandoned by God. I don’t blame God, possibly myself, but not God.

I also realize that I do have two beautiful children and that I am blessed. I know all things can be used for His glory.

I know this isn’t the end of things.

I know I’m not the only one. I also know that some women struggle with this on a more than occasional basis. But, this is new to me. And, no matter how many times it may happen in the future, I really doubt it’ll ever cease being “new” each time. So, no, I can’t talk about symptoms or steps as if it were seasonal allergies.

And lastly, this post isn’t about any of you. It’s about me. It’s about me feeling a little broken right now and being unable to “handle” it – possibly because there’s nothing really to “handle” or “control.” I don’t know.

There, I talked about it.

Today has been a MUCH better day, PRAISE GOD!

Church, followed by a picnic (in the rain, no less!) and a wonderful (and funny) servant auction.  I really wish we’d been able to bid on one of the teens, but we’ll have to save up for it next year!  Lorelei also had a fabulous time, playing and running back and forth in the rain with the other kiddos.  And, even past her usual naptime, she held up surprisingly well.  She only started crying a couple of times, but both were because she got “hurt” by falling or tripping.  (She’s okay, though!)

Being out of the house for most of the day really helped take the focus off of some of the stress, and despite the many questions that involved “So, when are you due?” – I found myself thinking MOSTLY not of when A will be here or that she isn’t already.  I love our new church family, and while many of them have been expecting a baby any day now (like me!), some were surprised that my due date was so close.  “Wow!” they’d say, “That’s like any day now!”  Smile and shrug.  “Maybe!”  And, for once…it didn’t even matter.  And, just like that, I’d forget about it all over again as I kept busy with other things.

Yesterday, we went into town and I bought three books from the used book store.  I’d been looking for The Secret Life Of Bees ever since my friend had gushed over how great it was to a hostess who had it in her possession.  So, I found a copy of that and even got it half off because it had some water damage in the back half of the book!  Woohoo!  The other 2 books are very light-hearted and supposed to be pretty funny.  Three books should DEFINITELY last me for 9-12 days, don’t you think?  I’m going for something to relax my brain AND well…relax my brain.  I can’t go on a vacation, or even a mini one that involves a hotel or B&B, so a book it is!

Lorelei has become fairly obsessed with the number TWO.  Two bananas, please.  Two dolls, please.  Two. Two. Two.  Not really a pregnancy update, but thought I’d throw it in there. 

I’m still waiting on this nasty rash to go away and am looking forward to not itching again (this is the 3rd time it’s showed up this pregnancy!) AND to not have icky oil ointment staining my shirts would be awesome too.  In the past, it only took a few days to clear up, so here’s hoping!

Tomorrow is another dr. appt.  I’m trying to hold off induction for about another 9 days (if she doesn’t come by herself), so I’m not sure what all will happen at this one.

Who knows, maybe I won’t even make that appointment.  Maybe, just maybe, she’ll come to me in the hospital!  Or not, whichever.

**End of uterus updates for today**

Apparently, pregnancy might make me crazy.  Actually, I’m pretty sure this is par for the course for most women who have found themselves pregnant for longer than they really ever expected to be.  It’s weird, you get 2 weeks until your actual “due date” and you (by “you,” I mean “I”) get all expectant.  Then, the week passes and no baby.  But, that’s okay because next week, the baby will totally be here.  Until it’s not.  And, then you are a couple of days from your actual doctor-made due date and you’re looking up “100 ways to induce labor” on Google with a bottle of castor oil staring you down in the corner.  You know, just in case.

We’ve tried almost all of the common “natural” ways to induce…

I’ve walked and walked and walked.  As in, a mile or more a day…but then I figured out it wasn’t helping and decided I’d rather go drink iced tea.

Raspberry Leaf Tea.  Some people say it’s just good for you and others swear it helps contractions along.  It doesn’t taste awful, so I’ve been drinking it.

Sex…and nipple stimulation…  All I’ll say is, tried it.  That and, I’m pretty sure the method that GOT me pregnant probably won’t do me much good in making me un-pregnant.

Spicy Food – We’ve added red pepper to pasta and eaten spicy chicken wraps.  Not even contractions came afterwards.

Evening Primrose Oil Capsules – orally.  I’ve been doing this, just to see.  There have also been suggestions that I could um, insert one vaginally…but, I’m waiting on that one.  I’m not ready to risk infection yet.  I figure there’ll be enough “trauma” soon enough down there.  Might as well give it a break.

Bouncing on an exercise ball – this?  Just makes my toddler ticked off.  She thinks she should be bouncing on the ball and will try to push me off.  But, no contractions.

Squatting.  Seeing as how I can’t bend over much anymore, this isn’t something I have to try hard at…but nope.  Nothing.

Warm compresses here and there… which basically just feels like warm compresses here and there.

And, still…no baby.

So, now I’m at the whole castor oil or other laxative part of the list.  I was standing so firm on my decision to NOT do either of these around the beginning of last week.  But, now?  Now I’m like some crazy woman.

CASTOR OIL CASTOR OIL CASTOR OIL

It’s a mantra in my head that won’t leave me alone.  Daily, I am calling on friends to talk me down from the castor oil ledge.

I know that I could call my OB at any point next week and schedule an induction, but I’m trying to not do that too.  I want so badly to go into labor naturally – and I realize that I may or may not fold under the pain once I’m in labor and may ask for some drugs to take the edge off, but it was important for me to know what a labor would be like without pitocin drips.  But, then I think about Steven having to leave for an out of town military trip again and I get all teary.  I begin to second guess my body’s ability to do things on its own or whether my hormones or stress will keep me from doing this on my own.  Then, I look at the castor oil again.

But, I don’t even WANT the castor oil.  It makes you have the runs and vomit and can really screw things up with the baby (heart rate, etc).  At least with pitocin, the baby would be monitored and I wouldn’t be sick all over the place.  But, truthfully…I don’t want either of those.  Not really.

I don’t know WHY it’s so hard to think of even waiting for another 2 weeks.  I mean, really?  What’s the big deal?  Sure, I could go into labor in an hour…but if I don’t…what’s the big deal with 2 weeks?  Why do I get so insane feeling at the thought of having to wait a moment longer?

Sure, I thought I’d be holding her by now.  I was convinced I would be…but I’m not.  And, so what?

Pregnancy makes me crazy, that’s what.

So, who wants to take turns with finding ways to entertain me/occupy my brain for the next 12 days (or until she comes)?

**It is highly likely that I will need talked down from the castor oil ledge again…tomorrow…and the next day…