I have this ball of emotions and incoherent thoughts rumbling through my body, ready to take me captive at the first sign of weakness. And, for the most part, I really don’t want to pick through them to be able to write, to record. I don’t want to remember this. I don’t want to feel this. But, what’s “healthy” versus what I feel like doing, are probably two completely different things.

So, instead…here’s my burst of anger. My venting.

(PS – If you don’t like real…or if you tend to think things are about YOU, you should probably turn back now. As in, stop reading. I’ll try to follow this post up with cute and cuddly puppies that fart rainbows and skittles.)

Wednesday, I started bleeding. Thursday, I couldn’t get out of the bed because it was so heavy and the amount of cramping and nausea completely took over. Friday, the same. Saturday, I ventured out for a few hours but then found out quickly that it was way too soon to stand up for more than 3 hours. Sunday, the same.

It’s hard to think about what could’ve been, what might’ve been.

And, I’m dealing. The best way I know how. Which, might be at this point to just not deal.

For several days, I didn’t really mention anything except to my husband and mom and a couple of friends for advice as to whether I’d need to take a next step or if my body would take care of things on it’s own. I didn’t know what I thought or felt, beyond the ball of emotions and thoughts. I didn’t want to join some special club with special handshakes and secret forums. I didn’t want to face the possibility of insensitive comments.

I am not in need of a sermon. I don’t think I’m being paid in full for sins I’ve committed past. I don’t feel abandoned by God. I don’t blame God, possibly myself, but not God.

I also realize that I do have two beautiful children and that I am blessed. I know all things can be used for His glory.

I know this isn’t the end of things.

I know I’m not the only one. I also know that some women struggle with this on a more than occasional basis. But, this is new to me. And, no matter how many times it may happen in the future, I really doubt it’ll ever cease being “new” each time. So, no, I can’t talk about symptoms or steps as if it were seasonal allergies.

And lastly, this post isn’t about any of you. It’s about me. It’s about me feeling a little broken right now and being unable to “handle” it – possibly because there’s nothing really to “handle” or “control.” I don’t know.

There, I talked about it.

Welcome back!

Today has been a MUCH better day, PRAISE GOD!

Church, followed by a picnic (in the rain, no less!) and a wonderful (and funny) servant auction.  I really wish we’d been able to bid on one of the teens, but we’ll have to save up for it next year!  Lorelei also had a fabulous time, playing and running back and forth in the rain with the other kiddos.  And, even past her usual naptime, she held up surprisingly well.  She only started crying a couple of times, but both were because she got “hurt” by falling or tripping.  (She’s okay, though!)

Being out of the house for most of the day really helped take the focus off of some of the stress, and despite the many questions that involved “So, when are you due?” – I found myself thinking MOSTLY not of when A will be here or that she isn’t already.  I love our new church family, and while many of them have been expecting a baby any day now (like me!), some were surprised that my due date was so close.  “Wow!” they’d say, “That’s like any day now!”  Smile and shrug.  “Maybe!”  And, for once…it didn’t even matter.  And, just like that, I’d forget about it all over again as I kept busy with other things.

Yesterday, we went into town and I bought three books from the used book store.  I’d been looking for The Secret Life Of Bees ever since my friend had gushed over how great it was to a hostess who had it in her possession.  So, I found a copy of that and even got it half off because it had some water damage in the back half of the book!  Woohoo!  The other 2 books are very light-hearted and supposed to be pretty funny.  Three books should DEFINITELY last me for 9-12 days, don’t you think?  I’m going for something to relax my brain AND well…relax my brain.  I can’t go on a vacation, or even a mini one that involves a hotel or B&B, so a book it is!

Lorelei has become fairly obsessed with the number TWO.  Two bananas, please.  Two dolls, please.  Two. Two. Two.  Not really a pregnancy update, but thought I’d throw it in there. 

I’m still waiting on this nasty rash to go away and am looking forward to not itching again (this is the 3rd time it’s showed up this pregnancy!) AND to not have icky oil ointment staining my shirts would be awesome too.  In the past, it only took a few days to clear up, so here’s hoping!

Tomorrow is another dr. appt.  I’m trying to hold off induction for about another 9 days (if she doesn’t come by herself), so I’m not sure what all will happen at this one.

Who knows, maybe I won’t even make that appointment.  Maybe, just maybe, she’ll come to me in the hospital!  Or not, whichever.

**End of uterus updates for today**

Apparently, pregnancy might make me crazy.  Actually, I’m pretty sure this is par for the course for most women who have found themselves pregnant for longer than they really ever expected to be.  It’s weird, you get 2 weeks until your actual “due date” and you (by “you,” I mean “I”) get all expectant.  Then, the week passes and no baby.  But, that’s okay because next week, the baby will totally be here.  Until it’s not.  And, then you are a couple of days from your actual doctor-made due date and you’re looking up “100 ways to induce labor” on Google with a bottle of castor oil staring you down in the corner.  You know, just in case.

We’ve tried almost all of the common “natural” ways to induce…

I’ve walked and walked and walked.  As in, a mile or more a day…but then I figured out it wasn’t helping and decided I’d rather go drink iced tea.

Raspberry Leaf Tea.  Some people say it’s just good for you and others swear it helps contractions along.  It doesn’t taste awful, so I’ve been drinking it.

Sex…and nipple stimulation…  All I’ll say is, tried it.  That and, I’m pretty sure the method that GOT me pregnant probably won’t do me much good in making me un-pregnant.

Spicy Food – We’ve added red pepper to pasta and eaten spicy chicken wraps.  Not even contractions came afterwards.

Evening Primrose Oil Capsules – orally.  I’ve been doing this, just to see.  There have also been suggestions that I could um, insert one vaginally…but, I’m waiting on that one.  I’m not ready to risk infection yet.  I figure there’ll be enough “trauma” soon enough down there.  Might as well give it a break.

Bouncing on an exercise ball – this?  Just makes my toddler ticked off.  She thinks she should be bouncing on the ball and will try to push me off.  But, no contractions.

Squatting.  Seeing as how I can’t bend over much anymore, this isn’t something I have to try hard at…but nope.  Nothing.

Warm compresses here and there… which basically just feels like warm compresses here and there.

And, still…no baby.

So, now I’m at the whole castor oil or other laxative part of the list.  I was standing so firm on my decision to NOT do either of these around the beginning of last week.  But, now?  Now I’m like some crazy woman.

CASTOR OIL CASTOR OIL CASTOR OIL

It’s a mantra in my head that won’t leave me alone.  Daily, I am calling on friends to talk me down from the castor oil ledge.

I know that I could call my OB at any point next week and schedule an induction, but I’m trying to not do that too.  I want so badly to go into labor naturally – and I realize that I may or may not fold under the pain once I’m in labor and may ask for some drugs to take the edge off, but it was important for me to know what a labor would be like without pitocin drips.  But, then I think about Steven having to leave for an out of town military trip again and I get all teary.  I begin to second guess my body’s ability to do things on its own or whether my hormones or stress will keep me from doing this on my own.  Then, I look at the castor oil again.

But, I don’t even WANT the castor oil.  It makes you have the runs and vomit and can really screw things up with the baby (heart rate, etc).  At least with pitocin, the baby would be monitored and I wouldn’t be sick all over the place.  But, truthfully…I don’t want either of those.  Not really.

I don’t know WHY it’s so hard to think of even waiting for another 2 weeks.  I mean, really?  What’s the big deal?  Sure, I could go into labor in an hour…but if I don’t…what’s the big deal with 2 weeks?  Why do I get so insane feeling at the thought of having to wait a moment longer?

Sure, I thought I’d be holding her by now.  I was convinced I would be…but I’m not.  And, so what?

Pregnancy makes me crazy, that’s what.

So, who wants to take turns with finding ways to entertain me/occupy my brain for the next 12 days (or until she comes)?

**It is highly likely that I will need talked down from the castor oil ledge again…tomorrow…and the next day…

I finally took the initiative to look up what all of the hub-bub about this swine flu was about.  Typically, I ignore the news and get only the utmost “important” things from family and friends.  Some of you would say I’m not educating myself on the happenings of the world, but to be honest, I feel like I’m staying true to what really matters: the world around ME and the people who live in it.  That, and I don’t really care for the media’s representation of much of anything these days.  I’m just not ready to jump on the doom and gloom wagon, I have enough things in my own life that could easily get me down.

So, 109 cases so far, and one death in the US.  Although, the one death was a mexican visiting Texas and had “underlying conditions” and died from the pneumonia that the flu caused.  Being prepared is one thing, but I won’t be stocking up on tape and face masks just yet.  And, if I do…it’ll have nothing to do with swine flu.  I will take this plenty serious, but as of right now?  I have a better chance of walking into the road and getting run over than I do of dying from the swine flu.  Actually, seeing as how some people don’t read speed limit signs out here, that may not be saying much.  But, still.

Since I’m not spending my time raiding the shelves of Walmart for jugs of water, face masks, and duct tape, Steven and I had plenty of time to spare after my doctor’s appointment yesterday.  (I am still 3 cm, 80% effaced just like I was on Tuesday.)  So, we decided to head a town over and look at apartments.  If you know me at all (or have read my blog for over a month), you really shouldn’t have to ask WHY, but in case you are, I’ll save you the extra embarrassment from not really having been paying attention.

You see, Steven lost his job a couple of months ago and it was pretty much “Surprise!  Don’t come back!”  kind of thing.  And, while we have our theories as to the WHYS – which have everything to do with the management of the company and their finances and not much at all to do with S – none of it really matters much at this point.  And, in case you are still confused, I’ll break it down further…

No job = No income

No income + bills + creditors = Still no income

Do you see where I’m going with this?  We didn’t really have “savings” and are pretty much winging it (and have been) but are getting rather close to the end of the pot of money we were able to scrounge together.  Instead of waiting for another month or two, we thought we’d be proactive and just look at apartments and prices while we still have CHOICES and a little time, rather than being backed into a corner with only one or two options.

In other news, still no job.  Leads here and there, but after 2 months – nothing means anything until a contract is signed.  Now, we’re looking at the possibility of going full time military – I’m still figuring out how I feel about that, and it will mean a very probably move in a few years if we go with that.  Only thing is, there will still have to be a few rounds of jumping through fiery rings just to do that – and it all has to be done fast and of course is not in my hands at all.  So, yeh.

In even more AWESOME news…our last dependable vehicle died.  DIED.  So, we jumped it one last time (for now) and my grams let us use her old car, which well…yeh.  *Sigh*

There’s more, there always is…but that should give you a pretty good idea as to why I’m stressed.  And, why if anyone else tells me to just “Calm down” or “Focus on me and the baby”…well, please don’t.  I am trying to see the rainbows, I really am.  But, right now…I’m almost 40 weeks pregnant and feel like I have absolutely no control over much of anything.

In fact, I’m beginning to wonder if this baby is even going to be born before the year is out.  Well, not really…but I am wondering if maybe my body is a little confused, considering all of the trouble and hormone issues I had with conceiving L in the first place, and other hormone-related type issues.  I’m wondering if the baby is ready and my body is just a little confused.  I know NORMALLY, your body should know what to do, but I also know sometimes, the rules don’t always apply and what if I’m one of the weird ones?

I’m still pregnant.

That, and the whole “she’ll come when she’s ready” thing?  It’s getting old.  Like a geezer in plaid pants and suspenders old.

That’s all for now.  I’m going to go sit on a ball and read now.

No baby yet.  *Sigh*

This week at my appointment, I’d really hoped they would’ve told me I had progressed SOMEHOW, that I was either dilated more (I’ve been 1 cm dilated since last week) or effaced.  Something.  But, there was no change.  Steven will be going out of town soon and it scares me that I could go into labor without him.  Not that I couldn’t do it without him, but because I WANT him there.  I need him there for support.  Besides, who else can I make rude gestures and remarks towards that will actually think it’s kind of funny?  He’s the only person I can think of that I can threaten to stab his liver with a dull spoon and he finds it HUMOROUS – regardless of how serious I may be at the moment.  This is one of the reasons I love him.

So, I was hoping I’d basically progress on my own or be induced before he went out of town, thereby canceling his trip OR well…canceling the trip so he’d be with me and there’d be NO chance that I could have the baby over the few days he would be gone into a high security area with no cell phone service as a huge possibility – and miles away.

But, my doctor said I hadn’t progressed – DESPITE the fact that I all but drank 80 gallons of red raspberry leaf tea, squatted like a duck, and all but begged my husband to please just hurry up and have sex with me (and do it fast), because this baby needs to GET OUT NOW.  He’s been a trooper, let me tell you.  But, he understands…he was hoping he’d get to skip the “out of town engagement” as well.

Instead, I’m still 1 cm but have miraculously grown to 124 lbs.  This HAS to be water weight, now.  HAS to be.  I’ve been drinking TONS of water and herbal tea and MAN.  We won’t mention my last two trips to the chocolate factory.  Nope we won’t.  The rash is gone for now.  I ended up going to the doctor a day early last week and got a prescription refilled for the cream I had earlier in the pregnancy.  It took the stuff like 3 days to kick it, and I’m proud to say that I’m no longer slimy feeling…OR itchy!  I also think my skin is beginning to go back to it’s original state – more of a combination rather than “dry” and scaly…thank heavens!

False labor comes and goes here and there but mostly stops when I get up.  Mostly.  And, it never really gains intensity.  Except this morning.  THIS morning was contractions in my tummy rather than my back and felt more like knives instead of cramping and wowza, they hurt.  My legs and feet ached like crazy..but it all went away after a bit.  At this point, I really wish she’d come – but, I wish the contractions would either be the real thing…or not.  It’s killing my sleeping habits…you know, the habit of sleeping at night time?!

And, somehow…I’ve still been able to avoid the dreaded AWFUL heartburn I had last time.  Granted, I’ll get little twinges here and there but it’s NOTHING like I had with L.  Oh, and my favorite breakfast right now is homemade whole wheat waffles with carmelized bananas.  YUM.  Steven makes them for me and well, YUM.  I used to make these for Lorelei when she was a wee one and didn’t throw her food at me.

This past Tuesday, a friend of mine invited some of my closest friends to one of my favorite restaurants and it was soooo wonderful!  I love getting together with them all and was excited to be able to share that time with them since we all end up really busy with our own families.  Then, to top it off, they paid my check AND showered me with some VERY well thought out goodies!  These ladies know me – each and every gift was PERFECT.  I’m telling you.  PERFECT.  EACH ONE.  I’m so incredibly blessed and love them all so very much!

—–

And, now for something new:

————————THANKFUL THURSDAYS——————————–

Funny conversations.  Great friends who truly know you.   A husband who will wake up in the middle of the night just rub my back and sit with me when I’m hurting.  A God who loves me no matter what.  My crazy-awesome doula whom I LOVE.  Chocolate Factory Fudge.  Flamingo Row Shipwrecks.  My parents and brother and the rest of my family – some of the most loving and generous people I know.  My father-in-law, who would drop everything to come and see us.  Lorelei’s sweet kisses, hugs, and smiles.  The best church-family ever.  Indoor plumbing.  A place to let go.  Ability to hear with my heart even when my head won’t shut up.

…and for second and third and billionth chances…

It’s crazy to not have a doctor appointment today.  I’ve had my appointments on Tuesdays right after lunch pretty much since I became pregnant!  I thought for sure I’d have trouble remembering the appointment, but then there’s the whole I DON’T GET OUT MUCH thing, so this is like my big outing.  Yeh, sad, I know.  I look forward to Walmart trips too, and I know that makes me weird, too. 

Anyhow, at 37 weeks…

Occasional back-ache cramp type stuff go on.  Like period cramps, cept not.  Obviously.

Most days, I feel REALLY drained and exhausted and literally have no energy.  For anything.  You could tell me there was a cupcake on the counter and I wouldn’t even get up.  See?  THAT should tell you something.

The nausea.  It’s THISCLOSE to throwing up, but I don’t.  It’s random.  Sometimes it’s mornings, sometimes it’s during the day (like now), and sometimes it’s at night while I’m trying to sleep.  Sometimes it just kind of stays with me all dang day.  But, I don’t actually throw up.  The nurses have offered me more Zofran, but since I’m not losing lots of food and it’s mostly just a pain, I’d rather not take the extra medication.

The itchy rash.  It’s BACK!  The one that makes me want to peel my skin off.  They never really figured out what it was before, and I’m hesitant (again) to get the cream again just because I feel like it’s medicine that will also go to my baby and I really think I can tough it out for a few more weeks.  I’ll just whine all about it!  The doc’s office has since wished they’d gotten me in today rather than Thursday so they could check it out again but my calendar is kind of already full up until Thursday.

Standing hurts.  Sitting hurts.  Sometimes, even laying hurts.  I’m in the uncomfortable part now.  Sitting straight up makes me want to puke, and puts pressure where pressure isn’t really fun.  Standing feels like I’ve, what…got a kid’s head between my legs?  And, laying down gets uncomfy when the baby decides to lay all funky, taking my tummy with her and leaving me in a really weird position.

Tremors.  Actually, my belly (or should I say uterus?) has been VIBRATING occasionally.  I looked it up because when I ask people about it, I get weird looks.  It SERIOUSLY feels like she’s having seizures.  It’s not a wiggle or a roll or hiccups or little situating.  It lasts for like 10-15 seconds or so and is like seizures.  But then she acts fine.  I think L might have done this too and she’s perfectly fine.  So, yeh.  I don’t know what it is.

Vitamins make me sick, so I’m not really taking them right now.  (But I’ve upped my fruit/veggie intake)

I’m eating smaller meals more often.  Or trying.  I’m getting full-feeling faster.

Definitely have to pee alot.  As in frequently.  Like every 10 minutes sometimes.

I SO DID go buy a vinyl mattress cover because the thought of peeing in the bed or my water breaking in the bed freaks me out…only because this mattress is basically brand new and won’t fit in the washer.

The baby clothes have been brought downstairs and are now hanging on hangers.  Most of them.  …You know, the ones L hasn’t pulled off the hanger yet.

Everything else in this house looks like a disaster zone and I just want to sleep.  So, when do I get the surge of energy?  I have cloth napkins to make, a house to clean, and other stuff to make!  What the heck!

We still have a huge list of stuff to do… like pack the bags, install the carseat (and find the carseat), clean out the SUV, mow the shaggy lawn, and stuff like that.  Oh and clean the house.  Bleh.

“So, what kind of church is this?”  My little younger brother asked of my approaching baptism.

“Oh, you know…the usual,”  I replied, “black hooded capes and candles and stuff.  You know..the usual.”

“Of course,” he said.

(NOTE:  SARCASM)

This baptism was a little less nerve-wracking than my first – or, I would imagine, anyhow.  I wore a cute little white frilly thing for my first baptism, and this past Easter Sunday, I stood in front of my closet trying to decide between a pair of gray drawstring pants or khaki capris – the only two pairs of “pants” that still fit me (with the exception of some very HOT blue and yellow spongebob pajama pants).  It was a tough call, but ultimately I went with the capris after having carefully calculated exactly who had seen me in which bottoms the most that previous week.

S and I arrived at the church early for an Easter “break-fast”, leaving L to come in time for the services with my mom.  I took advantage of the smorgasborg and piled my plate high, knowing that soon I’d have to move back to pants that use real buttons rather than elastic bands.  Besides, Aurora made me.

The service itself was great, well…except for one thing.  I really thought Mike was going to break out into a solo with his microphone but alas, he did not.  My disappointment dissipated quickly, though, as it WAS Easter – that, and my attention span was burning a little short thanks to the (delicious) breakfast we’d had earlier.

As I waddled walked out the side door to prepare for the baptism, L screamed her protest.  I swear the kid wanted NOTHING to do with me until the moment she thought I was going somewhere.  So, we went ahead and brought her to the back.  I was handed something that looked much like a summertime blue space suit – and despite my request to have one specially trimmed in white lace, I ended up donning the suit as was.  I’m sure they simply forgot.

I had also discussed with certain members that I would like my own theme song and some special back-lighting.  I figured if they’d just hold me up as I entered the water, I could do some fancy footwork and make this a service nobody would soon forget.  Instead, they just stared at me.

“What?  You mean I actually have to walk down the steps by myself?  Or, do I wait for you to push me?”

They let me walk.

I do have to say, though – they did warm the water up quite nicely and the area really is the perfect size for a water birth.  And, much closer to hospitals (just in case).  So…I’m thinking…

Anyways, it was great and wonderful (even without the theme music, lace, and lighting), but I’m pretty sure I traumatized my poor sweet L – seeing as how she screamed bloody murder when I went underwater.  After that, she wouldn’t leave my side until I was dressed and standing out front again with all sorts of plugs and outlets nearby to play with.  Sorry kid, I know it was your birthday and Easter and all, but I thought it’d be fun to make you think I was being drowned (I maybe should’ve explained what was going to happen to you first?)

Oh…and I’m a little upset that nobody told me you’d only be able to see my hairline and up since I’m so short.  Had I known, I’d totally have packed some moon-shoes and hair-sprayed my hair up into a cute but very large beehive so at least people could see my hair.  Just sayin’.

That – and, a trapeze or some dolphins.  Oh, and the stairs coming down?  Totally needs to be a water slide.  For real.

But really…it was perfect.

(My hot attire without the lace I requested)

(No wonder L screamed.  It does kind of look like he’s drowning me – which he wasn’t.)

(This should so be a slide.  That, and Steven thinks I look like Mary here.  A very pregnant Mary with swollen ankles.  And no lace.)

Apparently in one short week, I gained an entire 4 lbs. I’m seriously considering having them do another ultrasound to check to see if I somehow am now having twins…or maybe Aurora sprouted another head? A really really big head? But, really 120 lbs? Are you KIDDING me?

On the 6th (of April), I had some lovely little contractions for about 5 hours. They mostly felt like achey back cramps (like menstrual cramps) – and were super annoying and dull with a little bit of hardening in my uterus…but, it felt almost constant, like there were no real beginning and end…so I couldn’t time them. I emailed my doula who was out of town, knowing she probably wouldn’t get the email until she came back to work (VACATION? Who do you think you are, woman!? just kidding) but obviously wasn’t TOO concerned because I neither texted (or called) her OR my OB. It was more of a “Hmm…maybe I SHOULD be packing stuff and unpacking baby clothes” kind of thing and I knew they’d be quite a lot more intense if it were progressing far enough. I did try the water and resting thing (on both sides) and it helped not. So…I guess my body just wanted some practice time.

Or, maybe I have a bladder infection. At my doctor’s appointment, they noticed some extra protein in my urine, but trace levels. After a string of “how does it feel to pee” sort of questions, which I apparently did not answer to their liking (I was peeing just fine…and frequently), they decided to send it off for testing. Just to be sure. I bought cranberry juice. And, ever since they told me I MIGHT have an infection I’m pretty sure my brain has decided that it might as well because I’m feeling a bit more…eh…uncomfortable. I’m not convinced it’s not in my head, but I’ll start cranberry pills tomorrow JUST IN CASE.

Oh, and I have a rash on my chest again. It’s random and a little itchy and kind of looks like heat rash, cept it stays around. Not like the itchiness of the rashes I had before, just…normal itchy. Not sure what that’s from (maybe just hormones or something else random), but figured I’d note it anyhow. Have had it for a couple of days.

Speaking of hormones…I’m like a regular bleary eyed softy these days. What? We ran over an ant? HOW COULD YOUUUUUUU?!! Yeh, it’s not pretty.

I’m feeling mostly good – a little tired, but no big deal. No swelling so far as long as I take it pretty easy and don’t try to do a LOT of walking and standing. Which is totally not a problem

After the contractions, I realized I need to get on the ball and start finishing up (starting) some stuff because THIS BABY COULD BE HERE AT ANY POINT! Took wee baby clothes out of storage and hung them and realized that WOW, 2 KIDS IN ONE ROOM WITH ALL OF THEIR STUFF AND A WEE TEENINY CLOSET? SQUUUEEEZZEE! I printed the birth plan and have decided to ignore the advice I received on baking fresh cookies and cupcakes for the staff because:

1. I really don’t think they’d make it out of my kitchen.
2. If I were getting induced or having a schedule C-section…maybe. But, I have a feeling this little kidling isn’t going to give me much of a heads up for a baking day. And, really…I’m pretty sure the staff would be far more pissed off if i brought in week old moldy cupcakes (no matter how beautifully decorated) than if I brought nothing at all.
3. Did I mention I’m pregnant and really LIKE (eating) cupcakes?
4. I highly doubt I’ll feel much like sifting flour and measuring butter between contractions.

Guess I could throw some Oreos on a plate and call it a day, but really…what kind of girl do you think I am?

UPDATE: The Strep B test that came back from last week…Negative.

35 weeks pregnant and….

116 pounds.
Baby is still head -down.  She’s doing all swell in there and according to the last ultrasound (today) she’s growing nicely although for the life of me, I can’t remember how big she was.  Is.  Whatever.  It was normal range, so I forgot and my dear husband pretends he never heard.
She has not, however, dropped yet.  Turd.
The amniotic fluid is a tad low – it’s supposed to be between 10 and 20 and it’s 11.  So, it’s still “normal range” but kinda pushing it’s luck.  Not that that should surprise you, it IS my body after all.  We follow no rules.  Well…kind of.

In other news, well…actually just the rest of the OB visit and random notes…
We did the Group B Strep Test and the results of that should be in soon…
And, then they did another swabbing, because I obviously just couldn’t get enough of the fun-ness and turns out, I am NOT continuously leaking amniotic fluid.  Which is good news, in case you were wondering.  I had spotted some “mysterious ” looking fluid that was all cloudy and swirly and not really pee one morning, but apparently that’s not what it is.  So, I guess I just pee magic fog occasionally now.  Which is cool.  Maybe it’ll do tricks?  I don’t know.  (Or maybe it was amniotic fluid and it’s just not leaking any more.  Or, maybe it’s just magic.)

I’m supposed to go back next week.  Every week, actually, til this kidling is born.  We’re in the home stretch.  Woo.

Oh yeh, I almost forgot to mention that my ankles still look like ankles and I’m quite proud.  It may or may not have much to do with the fact that I’ve been keeping my feet up mostly anyhow because it’s uncomfortable to sit any other way and if I sit straight up, it hurts my insides and baby A gets really ticked off.  I also almost forgot that for the most part I’ve done REALLY good with only occasionally having indigestion, but it is pretty much remedied by laying down – meaning I’m only getting it because the child is smooshing stuff.  Um…and sometimes it feels like I am laying ON her.  Especially when I lay on my left side.  So, I always get scared I’m laying on her arm or brain and cutting off circulation and while part of me wants to say it serves you right, the rest of me feels like a bad mom so I just turn over.  I’m such a pushover.

Oh, and then there’s the occasional body aches and the out of breath-ness from NOTHING except the child messing with my innards.  So, there’s that.  All normal and jazz.

In OTHER news,
I’ve hinted around about a meeting and such today and possible changes and such and well…

It didn’t quite turn out the way we were kind of hoping.  I mean, it did…but it didn’t.  We never really got our hopes up and we’re trying to be open to whatever it is that’s supposed to happen…but still…it could’ve been the “answer” – but it wasn’t.  And, for that I’m a bit disappointed – but also relieved since it’d mean a whole new set of circumstances I haven’t yet come to terms with.  But, it also means we still have no answer for how this will turn out or which path to take.

It means that for now, we’ll be looking for homes for our kitty cats so we can move at the drop of a hat.  It means that for now, we still aren’t sure whether we’ll see our tomato and corn grow and be able to harvest the work of our hands.  For now, we don’t know if our future plans will involve relearning to integrate ourselves in an entirely new community away from our support network – our friends and family.

And so…we continue to walk by faith.  Blindly.