Raising kids isn’t easy.

It was never meant to be.

Hollywood paints this great picture of a mom who has 3 kids under 5 in tow and still manages to dress in the latest fashions, shop with perfectly behaved children, have dinner on the table at 5PM, plays pretend, reads bedtime stories, and then heads to the kitchen table to clean up so she can sew a couple of handmade costumes all before making sweet love to her husband for the 80th night in a row.  (And then wakes up the next day with perfect makeup and flawless skin to be awesome again.)

I’ll be the first to admit that I somehow missed out on the radiant supermom cape given out with your firstborn.  Most days, my house looks like a tornado went through at least one room…if not the whole house.  There are days when “me time” looks like being able to shave my legs or pluck my eyebrows (I know, FUN!  EXCITING!).  Motherhood is beautiful and amazing, but let’s face it…sometimes it can feel like the most lonely, hard, and unappreciated calling we’ve ever known.

The thing is, though, we aren’t EXPECTED to be able to do this all on our own.  The image that Hollywood so often portrays is not only a farce, but it is also not biblical.

In fact, the Bible instructs us to live in community and for younger women to be mentored by older women (Titus 2).  If we follow biblical advice, it actually might soothe our hearts as we lay down insane expectations on each other…and ourselves.

In Desperate by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson, these two ladies write about their mentor relationship in a very honest way that every young mother can not only relate to but also learn from.  Each chapter begins with short note from each lady to the other – each letter begins a new topic where the younger Sarah Mae feels like she’s not measuring up or struggling in her quest of motherhood with 3 very young littles.  Then, Sally Clarkson follows up with understanding and encouragement, followed by pages of great tips and lessons learned from each of their motherhood experiences.

Sarah and Sally cover topics such as*:

- Ideals of motherhood (that picture in our minds of what motherhood should look like)

- “The Go It Alone Culture” (where we have this big idea that we should be able to do everything on our own)

- Parenting formulas (and how to sift through parenting how-to books and not feel like a complete failure)

-The beast of housework

and TONS more.

And, if I’m being honest here…

I don’t own a supermom cape.  I’ve done the whole beat myself up game for not living up to what a mom should do in a day.  I’ve played that game and can I just say…it stinks?  It’s no fun!  I have 3 littles under 5 and we are pursuing a 4th little guy through adoption and the thing I’ve learned so far is that 99% of the things we stress over…don’t matter.

I thought I’d be this mom who put great meals on the table each night with homemade bread and dessert from scratch.  I pictured my hair styled, lipgloss, and a cute dress from the Limited.  I imagined myself as a mom who NEVER raised her voice, who homeschooled, did cloth diapers, ate only organics and never had laundry piles and even my lists would be organized.  Turns out, my life isn’t like that.  And, for the longest time, I beat myself up over it.  I felt like a failure…defeated…desperate.  I saw all of these other moms who seemed to have it all pulled together…until one day, I realized they all struggled with SOMETHING too.

I still have moments where I get frustrated…(like when the toddler throws his bottle in the toilet and dumps his sisters’ stuffed animals in the tub and turns on the water).  And as the sun goes down, I’m ready to go with it.  But, I’ve lessened the demands on myself.  I no longer worry if the laundry doesn’t get folded every day and I’m okay with pajama pants and a tshirt if I’m staying in – because then I can better enjoy peanut butter fingers hugging my legs or snotty kisses.  I’m okay with a little dust, disposable diapers, and the occasional frozen pizza.  I’m okay needing two months to read a novel “for fun” and letting my sewing machine collect dust.

And that’s why I really like this book…

Maybe you are desperate…at your breaking point.  Or, maybe you could just use some wise council to lift your spirit and guide you because you just don’t feel like you are as happy as you could be or you find yourself frustrated or yelling a little too often.  Or, maybe your just lonely in this motherhood journey…

Either way… if you are a mom, this book is for you.

*Topics listed above are paraphrased by me. These are not the actual chapter titles.
DISCLAIMER: The book I read was sent to me to be reviewed. All thoughts and opinions are mine, however.

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It’s hard to apologize to your kids, sometimes (which, is probably the point I guess)…

But, apologizing because you lied to them and then unwrapping the long tendrils of lies from the branches of truth?  –That’s a whole different level of hard.

For the past few years, we’ve teetered back and forth, trying to find some happy medium between making Jesus the REASON for our celebrating and some of our favorite traditions (some Old, some New).  –Including Santa and little mischief-making elves.  We weren’t ready to “kill Santa” (as that seemed a little harsh) and we were convinced that Jesus and Santa could live together in perfect harmony in our home.  I mean, they both seem pretty likeable, right?  Jesus could make wine and maybe Santa could not eat all of the cookies… I don’t know, it seemed like it could work for us.  Instead, we came up with what looked a lot like Jesus-Claus.  It was on accident, of course, but what do you expect when you tell a little kid that the reason for Christmas IS NOT Santa?

This was their reply:  “Yeh, okay.  Right.  So, Santa is still bringing me gifts right?”

And then we realized… In a 3-and-5-year old’s brain, a little baby can’t compete with a jolly fat guy in a red suit who magically flies around in a sleigh led by reindeer, comes down chimneys, and leaves gifts under children’s trees as they sleep once a year.

“Convicted” would be a great word for how we felt.

Jen Hatmaker said, “My friend Andrew, who identifies himself as a member of the “non-believer corner” put it this way:

‘I always thought it was strange how Christians will tell me they have this giant and awesome truth they know is true deep in their soul and want to share with me, but when 12/25 comes around they lie to their own progeny because, apparently, that giant, liberating, and awesomely simple truth is somehow just not enough. It may be a good narrative, but it needs a little something to give it some panache.’”

And, I feel it to the bottom of my soul – this trade-off of a true Savior who rescued ME for the pretend magic of flying reindeer and a Santa that doesn’t even exist.  It’s like satan came up with this way to get us off track in this seemingly harmless way and he’s tricked Christians into handing over our finances to help fund the whole thing.  We can’t even turn on the television without seeing commercials, telling us about all the things that we just NEED and can’t live without — while across the world (and even in our own hometowns) their are people who REALLY NEED.  And it just doesn’t settle well with me.  I think about how hard Steven and I have worked to remove any false idols from our lives…how we STILL how to work hard at it, how it still threatens to suck us in.  Bigger homes, more money, projects…anything…ANYTHING (even if it was a good thing) that takes our focus off of Christ and onto something else.  And yet… we’ve been handing this one idol down to our children.  I mean, we dressed him in red and made him real pretty, but oh. my. soul.  We just wanted our kids to have magic and memories and somehow, we traded everything that matters for a mirage that’s not even real.

Please hear me now… this is important.  I’M NOT JUDGING YOU. I am NOT the Christmas police.  I don’t care if you celebrate Santa or flying reindeer.  You don’t have to fret over me coming over and seeing your twelve hundred piece Santa collection.  I don’t even care if you leave cookies out, climb on top of the roof to stomp around a little and jingle bells right before sliding back into the yard to stomp reindeer footprints and sprinkle pretend reindeer poop in the yard.  That’s your journey.  And ours…has been slow…and is still a journey.  We’re still learning, growing.

This part is important, too…  It’s not JUST about booting Santa for us.  It’s about TRULY celebrating Jesus and all He means to us.  It’s not about whether He was actually born in December – but, this is the month we choose to celebrate in a BIG way.  We want to learn how to tell the nativity story in a way that captures the REAL magic of a baby sent to save the world.  We want them to know the excitement in the depths of our souls.  It’s not just about “taking something out” but it’s about filling it with real magic and hope!

• We’ve told our children the story of St. Nickolaus and about how he loved God so much he helped children in need, but also hid because he wanted them to give God thanks and not him.  We’ve also told them that St. Nick is where the tradition of Santa Claus came from (partly, anyhow.  As they get older, we can explain that Santa was part St. Nick, part pagan god, and 80 percent Big Marketing).  We told them that part of life came death and now St. Nick is really with Jesus in heaven, just like Gramps.  And, that people dress up and pretend they are Santa kind of like they like to dress up like princesses, play baby dolls, etc.  Because it’s fun, and because people want to give.  And, that pretending some was okay as long as they knew Jesus was why we celebrate.
• We are telling and retelling the wonderful story of Jesus being born.  But, we’re finding fun new ways to do it…
• We are anticipating Jesus’ Birthday Party and talking about what kind of gifts we want to give Him.  We have talked about the types of gifts Jesus wants… US.  And that He also likes it when we love others like He loves us.  We  talk specifically on ways we can do that.  This year, we are doing acts of kindness and the girls are helping choose what we do.  We’re also going to make gifts and goodies and leave on neighbors’ porches with a little poem about the Nativity.
• We are learning a special birthday song for Jesus.
• We have this GREAT little Advent book for the girls, it’s short and has great crafts for their age and it’s just so good!  They love it!  It focuses on Jesus and not candy and not ‘what’s in it for them” type stuff.
• Their Mimi gave them a little advent calendar that has a photo of the nativity on it and you peel back the little boxes for each day and it slowly gives scripture to tell the story of Jesus’ birth.  They LOVE it!
• We’re slowing down on materialism.  We are filtering pretty heavily any movies that focus on getting piles of gifts under the tree and part of the perks of not having television (we watch movies via computer and ipad and projector), no commercials telling my children they need the latest crap!!  And, we’ve adopted the 5-gift rule: Something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read.  They’ve only been told to pick out ONE gift they’d like from mom and dad and the rest will be a surprise.  There are a couple of stocking type gifts too.  Oh, and something we saw at Walmart and hubby couldn’t resist.  Other than that, we’ve asked family to only give money or experiences.  The girls REALLY want to go to Disney.  And truth be told, they keep asking if we can throw out most of the toys they do have… there are too many even for them and they get so overwhelmed.  (We will be purging many but we WON’T be restocking after Christmas).
• We are filling our home with Jesus-centered music.
• We are spending quality time with each other.  Quiet, stress-free, wonderful quality time.  We are just loving on each other.

This is for us.

You might not be where we are right now, and I’m okay with that.  I won’t be arriving at your house with the Christmas police to cite you.  Because as I said, this life is a journey, and we’re still on ours…

I saw this a while ago, and man did it hit me hard:

I guess I’m an “old soul” – or seriously don’t belong in this time, I don’t know which.  My soul LONGS for peaceful and slow days (although i work really well under short-term craziness too).  Days filled with appointments and schedules and this and that don’t really interest me on a day to day basis.  Even things that are meant to be fun can be crazy and hectic (think Disney World).  I long for the days when friends did more than like your status on facebook and when neighbors actually knew your name. (-We’re the weird neighbors that move in and then take gifts to the other neighbors.)

Don’t get me wrong, I like my hair dryer and my internet and some of the people I’ve met online who I wouldn’t have otherwise because they live across the world.  I like that I can look up anything I want to know.  But, sometimes our blessings can be our curses…if we let them.

Sometimes our good intentions just create a busy-ness and it all creeps into our daily lives…and it cloaks us and our families, and the more we do the unhappier we are.

Years ago, we intentionally stepped out of the insane “rat race” – of trying to make it to the top (wherever that is!).  Instead, we pursue the provisions and blessings God has for us and GRATITUDE.

Part of that has been in our journey to be more intentional with our kiddos.  It’s always a work in progress.  I hope it always will be, I pray we never become complacent.

I received a tip a long time ago about dates in your marriage – it included creating a jar of date ideas to choose from (like a menu!) and when you run out of ideas (or feel particularly indecisive), you just choose and DO IT.

We thought it’d be fun to create something similar to the one we created for our marriage for activities with the kids!

Here are some of the fun ideas we have:

- Camp in the backyard with campfire, burgers, s’mores, movie/story-telling

- bowling

- mini golf

- visit the planetarium

- pumpkin patch and corn maze

- fishing (on my parent’s dock)

- ride bikes in the neighborhood

- make bird feeders together

- bleach t-shirt designs (basically you take colored shirts and make a template that you adhere to shirts and spray with bleach water…fun!)

- nature bracelets – duct tape around their wrists with sticky side up and have them walk around and find fun things to stick to it!

- make super giant bubbles and bubble wands

- visit the homeplace

- see a matinee

- see a play

- dance in the warm (summer) rain – a favorite!!

- board games

- let girls dress up and put on a play

- have a cupcake decorating contest

- make an outdoor (or indoor!) obstacle course!

- go on a treasure/scavenger hunt – use pirate’s maps too!

- write a book and illustrate it together!!

- croquet

- soccer

- make mini homemade pizzas together!

- Go on an alphabet tour – bring cameras and a notebook and take photos of things that begin with A, B, C, etc.

Another favorite thing for us is to have THEME WEEKS where we concentrate on a specific theme for a week.  For example, Rora LOVES trains right now.  So, one week we borrowed a stack of books about trains from the library and they wore conductor hats as we read them.  We also visited a train museum where they got whistles, hats, and had a tour of all things TRAINS!  They played with an extensive model train set up and we played train games and went around town pretending our van was a train.  We scoured town for trains on the move and would sit and watch them and talk about different kinds of trains.  (We have plans to surprise Rora in the spring with a train RIDE for her birthday but SHHH!  Don’t tell her!)

So, I’d love to know…what are some of your favorite activities to do with your kids?  How do you have intentional time with your family?  And ideas you can share with us?

I came across this lovely list from Life to Her Years and had to re-post!  Posted with permission:

A Simple Woman’s Daybook for today…Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Outside my window…The sun is shining!!  It looks deceptively warm outside!

I am thinking…of lots of things.  My brain has lots going on for the past few days   1.) The kids and I are working on our Neighborhood “You’ve been Boo’ed” gifts and we are super excited!  Throwing around some ideas in my head on how to decorate the frames for the gifts so they’ll be super cute.  2.) Rora is feeling better (so it seems)… so yay!  And, the rest of us have gotten over the yuck (FINALLY)…so yay, again!  3.) We are still in our homestudy process but just scheduled our last meeting!  YEAH!  SO looking forward to having the finished thing in hand!  4.) Really wish L’s school was more open to parent-involvement… I’m really not liking this switch from homeschool to public school!  (But, she LOVES it)   I’m willing to give it more time, though to see how it progresses.  5.) about Halloween… and Christmas!!  And little guy’s birthday!  I’m starting lists for what I need for each and … well, let the Christmas shopping/crafting begin!

I am thankful…for my awesome husband, great kids, and my family.  Actually, I have a HUGE list of things I’m thankful for   I AM enjoying this weather though…I LOVE every different season and love how they change!

From the kitchen…We have non-paleo chocolate chip cookies and non-paleo pizza leftover from our treat last night (for lunch today).  And, for tonight… I’m thinking… Butter Chicken (paleo)

From the learning rooms…L is in school (it’s picture day!) and R and I are working through her Preschool worksheets.  We are practicing letters A-E and her shapes.  She’s got her colors down.

I am creating…crafts with R and our Neighborhood BOO gifts

I am wearing…My “Southern Chics” lime green LS shirt and turquoise sweats.    Very colorful today!

I am reading…I’m in between books right now… have any you’d recommend? (Quick reads…maybe fiction?  Would love a good fiction…)

I am hoping…to hear our homestudy is FINISHED soon   Other than that… just hoping for a great day for my husband at work!

I am hearing…R playing

Around the house… I’m itching to paint rooms…well, not so much to paint them, but for them to be painted so I can re-decorate

One of my favorite things…quality time with my husband… and “dates” with our kids!  We have so much fun together.

I am going…to run a few errands in a bit…

A few plans for the rest of the week…Crafting, homeschooling, a visit to the corn maze, haunted ghost tour with hubby, pumpkin patch and hayrides, my brother’s bday and making halloween costumes??

A picture thought…

R is LOVING trains right now.  So, we borrowed a bunch of train books from the library and read them in style!!  (R takes full credit for putting her hat on herself –goofy!)

A trip to the railroad museum… they were super excited.  There was an ENTIRE room dedicated to a super cool train set up for model trains… they LOVED watching the trains go in and out of tunnels and through all of the display.  They could have stayed in that one room alone, I think, for HOURS.

AJ was a trooper!  I really should buy some teething pad attachments for his carrier…

RAWR!!!

Little Red Riding Hood and her Big Bad Wolf

(This post is geared at NO-ONE in particular, and yet to EVERYONE whom it applies.)

Dear You in the corner with your snide remarks about my parenting philosophies…

You, who balked when you found out I don’t vaccinate my children and mouthed off words like “pack immunity” and “putting her children in danger…”

You, who made fun of me when I was insistent that there be no smoking around myself or my children…

You, who laughed when I said no chocolate/soda, and tried to give it to them anyways…

You, who think I’m ridiculous for trying to buy mostly organic and cut out additives, excess sugar, dyes, and other unhealthy things from my children’s diet…

I don’t owe you a thing, much less an explanation, but I want to be very clear…

THESE ARE MY KIDS.

They are not YOURS.  God entrusted them to my husband and I and we have promised to do everything in our power to keep them safe and healthy.  I don’t judge everyone who has different parenting philosophies; we are all just doing the best we know how (most of us, anyhow).

I have been very diligent with my research and I refuse to ignore the statistics and findings.  I do not make decisions lightly and I definitely am not one to jump on fads just because they seem “cool.”  I seek information and as information changes, I reserve the right to change my opinions and views.  Unfortunately, I am not my own research team, so I can not provide myself with all of the answers I want.  I do the best I can with what I have.

The choices we make regarding our children are not easy.  Lazy people do not dedicate hours to researching and checking the resources for said research.  Lazy people do not seek ways to contribute to the income in order to help make these changes.  Lazy people do not try to find creative ways to not disrupt their family and to still implement said changes.

For me, this IS a big deal.

I don’t think it’s funny when others make snide remarks.  I don’t think it’s funny when people know where I stand and still hand my child a candy bag larger than their head.  Or, when I specifically say NO CANDY and they reach right past me to give my child … candy.

I am not a mean mom.  I do not hate my children.

I love my children.  I love my children so much that I have made countless sacrifices to do what’s best… FOR THEM.

My children are in no way neglected and they are not losing out.  They DO get occasional “treats” – but those need to come from ME.  Not you.  At least, not unless you asked me first.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “Well, we did this and my kids are fine…” or “Well, my parents did this, and I turned out okay!”

WELL GOOD FOR YOU.

I mean, seriously, what do you want me to say?  People drive like idiots in cars all day long and some don’t get in wrecks.  Some do.

My point is this…

YOU DON’T GET TO JUDGE ME.

I don’t judge you.  I really really don’t.  Whether your kids are little or grown up, I don’t judge what you do or did as a parent.

I mean, really… I don’t have the time or energy to even judge you or figure out what’s right for your family!!  I’m just trying to do what’s right for mine.

It’d be nice if as parents, we could SUPPORT each other instead of tear each other down.

Thankfully, I don’t personally know any people who think, “I’m going to have kids so I can do my best to SCREW them up!!”    We are all doing the best we can with what we have and what we know.

But, for those of you who can’t support my husband and I… for those of you who want to make snide remarks and do things behind my back (or in front of my face) that go completely against what you know I believe…

Then, you probably don’t really need to be a part of our lives.

There, I said it.

I want people who will respect us.  Our decisions.  Our well-being.  Not by your definition, but by ours.  I don’t need people who all agree and think just like me…I don’t need approval on how to raise my children…I just need respect and understanding.

Love,

Ashley

PS – Thanks to all of the people who have chosen to respect and honor our decisions.

This season has been both sweet and challenge-filled (Merry Christmas, by the way)!  First, our sweet baby boy came and then almost 4 weeks later, his daddy came home from Iraq.

… And a father met his son for the very first time…

… And lots of hugs and tears (and smiles) as our family learns to reintegrate.  –Which is darn hard, by the way… Taking expectations and what “used to be” and throwing them out the window and learning who each of us are now.  He’s changed.  The girls have changed.  I have changed…  Everything has changed.

He’s experienced a different lifestyle – something that almost resembled “single life” while being deprived of many other things…

He’s grown wiser in some ways but has forgotten other things that seem so simple to those of us who live them daily…

And, he’s been thrown into suddenly having an infant and middle-of-the-night feedings and changings and the craziness of 3 little ones 4 and under.

Rora no longer has a paci…and she talks in full sentences…

Rora also can use the potty some….

Lala has gotten BIG and is animated and curious and SO stinkin smart…

And me, I’m different too.  I’ve mostly been “on my own” and experienced some of worst fears, things I never wanted to do.  But, I did them anyhow.  And, now I know I can.  I’m stronger.  I’m more confident.  And…I’ve gotten used to doing things MY way.

As a couple, we’re re-learning how to be patient and understanding.  We’re re-learning how to work together and how to relax and just…be a couple.

It’s hard work.

And, it’s a challenge we all gladly accept.  <3

He’s here, he’s here!  Sweet baby Aidan came at 39 weeks and we feel so very blessed!

I may get around to publishing his birth story on here later, but for now I’m enjoying snuggling my precious newborn and trying to pull my very excited little daughters off the walls.  Sleep has become a hot commodity.  I miss it. 

I’m relearning the dance of breastfeeding and wondering why nobody has made infant ponchos during these first few weeks as mother’s milk readjusts to something that doesn’t resemble a horizontal Old Faithful.  That, and boy diapers.  Oh. Boy.  First I was terrified to even touch and once I got over the need for ointment and gauze, I quickly learned the uncertainty that comes with each change (Will I need a change or clothes or won’t I?).  And today I had my first miss overall – Changing a dirty diaper only to have him begin “dirtying” a new one mid-change as I scrambled to catch it all before it hit the bed.  Then, my premature breath of relief as I reached for the wipes to clean him up and pee began spraying EVERYWHERE!

What I’ve learned:

1.  Use a changing pad
2.  Make mom change all of his diapers
2.  Use a “shield” and stop being so darn leisurely!

Also, I forget how much laundry comes with having a newborn AND breastfeeding.  Sheesh.

Did I mention I need sleep?

Blog posts may get quite interesting over the next month or so with this whole sleep deprivation thing.

Not sure how long this will last, but here’s the LINK.

“Look, mom!  I’m dragging her!  – She’s a baby so she can drag!”  –Lala

(Said as she pulled her little sister across the kitchen floor on a blanket.)