Little white bunnies freak me out.

Mostly, it’s the red eyes, I think. The bloody redness and oh, the fact that it reminds me of BUNNICULA. Am I seriously the only one who read that book in grade school? Why can’t white bunnies just have…purple eyes. Or beady black eyes. Can’t we just tape some googly eyes on them and pretend that’s how they come? Oh wait, animal cruelty, right.

I just had to get that off my chest…which is not to insinuate I have bunnies lying on my chest. I give up. Moving on.

A few months ago, I found my doula. And, she invited me to her church. I decided to go just for the heck of it – I really had no real reason to go, seeing as I’m Catholic and this isn’t a Catholic church…it just seemed like the thing to do at the time. I really can’t explain it. I wasn’t going FOR anyone and I really didn’t know WHY I was going…I just was. And I did. And it was great.

So, I kept going. Then, as my husband and my relationship began to strengthen again, I invited him to come with us – and he liked it too. It was different. We’ve church hopped enough to know pretty quickly how to blend in and then run if called for…but, there was none of that at this church. We’d been awed before by the beautiful architecture of churches we’d attended, by the great amount of classrooms for excruciatingly set up for tiny hands, and elaborate choirs with some of the pretty music ever. But, with this church…there was something different. Something else captured our hearts.

At first, we couldn’t put our finger on it…and then we found it. It was the people. Generally, out here where we live, (or in our experience) small churches generally mean very close-minded “old” views. But, not here. No, here it was small and close-knit where people know each other and they STILL liked them! It was a place filled with all sorts of people and no Bible bashing or smack talking behind pews. I’ve been a part of churches where everyone knows each other’s names, but there was always that gossip-y feel to it. Here, if you get sick, people band together to bring you food. Here, if you do something stupid, people may call you out on it but they do it with love and they hold your hand ANYWAYS.

What’s more is they WANT to grow. To continue growing…in their faith and outreach and everything else. To me…that’s pretty much amazing. It’s like God made this church with me in mind. The pastor will straight up tell you that he doesn’t believe any one faith has it completely right, that we all have much to learn from everyone….Do you know how refreshing that is to hear after being basically told that MY FAITH wasn’t good enough only 6 months ago by someone else?

So, this Sunday I’ll be getting baptized.

“Oh, but weren’t you already baptized? I thought you are Catholic?!”

Yep. I’ve officially been baptized. As a Catholic baby. And, funny enough I’m not doing this to be saved or for an extra double punch on my ticket to heaven. Because, while some people can answer the questions of “When did you come to Christ” with an exact date, I can tell you that I was born and baptized into the Christian faith and that every day of my life has been a walk with God…honest. There were days when I ran from Him, trying to hide of course and days where I thought I probably knew better than Him. There were days when I was angry with Him because I didn’t like how things were going, but every day of my life has been a walk with Him. I never doubted that. And, no matter where I tried to hide, He always found me and wrapped me up in love. Sunday, though, will be a day that I get to experience an extra blessing (as it was put to me) – the experience to be baptized in a DIFFERENT way, to experience baptism by immersion. I will still be Ashley, and I’ll still be the girl who refuses to follow all of the rules at once, making them up as I go. I won’t suddenly have a new way of believing things and I won’t be letting go of all I’ve learned. Sunday night, my faith will still resemble a beautiful mosaic of colorful glass pieces from every life lesson and God lesson I’ve learned, regardless which faith (or how) it came to me.

And, I find it a bit humorous that by default Aurora will be baptized on Sunday, too. Can you imagine the possible future conversation?:

“So, Aurora…have you been baptized BY IMMERSION yet?”
“Oh yes. On April 12, 2009, Actually.”
“Wait. Right here it says your birthdate was April 20, 2009. Do we need to change your records?”
“No. You have it right.”

I’m secretly trying to figure out how to go into labor in the baptismal font. I’d get a free water birth and THEY would be the first church in (recent) history (maybe) that baptized a baby by IMMERSION.

Welcome back!

It’s been ten days since my husband lost his job.

Ten days isn’t that long – but, it kind of is.  It really is when you live in a one-income household that was pinching pennies to begin with.  It really is when you had no backups.  It really is when there isn’t a “nest egg” of savings to back up on.  It really is when there aren’t many people hiring.  It really is.

I won’t even pretend to be brave or to have it all together – because while it’s true that I have some good “moments” where I’m all trusting in bigger plans, I have an equal amount of moments where I’m under the realization that those “bigger plans” could indeed include us going through some extra “hardships” for whatever reasons.  I feel like I’m on this horrid broken roller coaster.  Blind-folded.  The ride is bumpy and at any moment I may fly off the track.

For those of you who know me, you know I prefer to remain mostly transparent.  I like to put it all out there (or most of it) for the simple fact that if I keep too busy pretending everything is okay, pretending to live some other life as some other person, then you’ll never know me and I can never change for the better.  If I refuse who I really am and the path that I am on, I will leave no room for God to truly work in my life for a change because I’ll be too busy pretending.  So, I won’t pretend.

I’m scared.  I’m terrified.  I’m hopeful.  All together.  So many emotions lumped into one big mess of me.

DH has sent off resume after resume, called old friends and current ones, followed leads, and worked on small projects…  and still, nothing yet.

We’ve made a list of all of our bills, hoping there was SOMETHING we could cut out.  An extra.  But, we’d already cut all of the extras out, save for $15 a month for extra capabilities for his phone.  No home phone.  No tv.  No magazines or mail order subscriptions.  No memberships.  The only things we could really cut out next would be cell phones and something as trivial as say, electricity!

And, then we got a letter from our mortgage company.  I had called the DAY he was fired, trying to find out if they had any special plans for hardship and the woman basically told me that we were still in good standing and not late on any payments and once we began getting unemployment checks, they’d want proof of those.  Then, she said, they’d expect us to pay basically the whole check towards (up to the amount we owed) on the house payment.  Which was all of ZERO helpful as we’ll still require food and electricity and water and such.

The letter, however, stated that we were DELINQUENT in our account.  I, of course, begin sweating as I’m the list-maker, the girl who freaks out when her bills are late and now they’re sending me letters saying I have a week to contact them before they want to FORECLOSE!?  So, of course I call and the woman informs me that we are TWENTY FOUR days past due on our bill.  Except we paid 2 days ago online AND he’s only been fired for TEN days and ten days ago we weren’t even behind on a payment so how are we NOW?  She didn’t know the answers to any of that and seemed satisfied with the confirmation number of the payment we gave her.  She suggested we file for hardship, which would take another 30 days.

She also wanted to know why the hell I wasn’t working and finding a job.  “Um, because she’s VERY pregnant and almost due and watches our kid,” my husband offered.  “So, when is she going back to work?”  The woman questioned.  “SHE’s LIKE GOING TO HAVE THIS BABY IN A FEW WEEKS, LADY.  NO.  WORK.”

Which brings up a whole other slew of emotions and fears – like having to move at the drop of a hat to a place I don’t know and having to give birth in a strange city without my support network.  And, what if he can’t get home in time?  I could be alone.  I finally found a doula, and I made a pretty little birth plan with beautiful graphic detail and you’re telling me it’s all possibly going to hell (excuse me)?!

I’m so sick and tired of hearing how it’s going to be all right.  I want to stubbornly look those people in the eye and tell them that I’m ALLOWED to freak the heck out.  I’m pregnant.  I’m scared.  I feel helpless because all I can do is stand over my husband and ask him what he’s doing 80 times a day (which is so not helpful).  I REALIZE that I’m not going to die and that even if I lose my house and credit and all of the things we worked for and have to relocate…at least I still have my family.  And, I’m thankful, I am.  But I’m scared, nonetheless.  I REALIZE that there is an ultimate plan, but I can’t get rid of the thought that just because God wanted us somewhere else, it doesn’t mean we’re necessarily “moving up” (in our opinion) at this time.  Maybe God WANTS to scare the shit out of us?  Maybe He wants to test our faith (consider it tested)?  Maybe His plan is not that we find a better job, maybe it’s that we WON’T.

I want real advice, real helpfulness.  I want to know people are there for us.  I’m tired of the pats on the shoulder about how it’s all going to be okay – because are you willing to GUARANTEE that?  Are you going to do something to make it all okay? – and then the instant lead in conversations about how THEIR money is oh-so tight and how their lofty jobs just don’t support their ludicrous spending habits.  Seriously, I don’t want to hear about it.  Not right now.  You should probably take THAT conversation to someone else.

Okay.  Freak out over.  For now.

(PS – We don’t have health insurance through his previous employer, THANK GOD.  Otherwise, I think I would have offered his ex-boss more than murderous glances.  So, as long as we can meet the payments on that, we can keep it.)

(PSS – I really have no intention of murdering anyone.  Not today, anyhow.)

PSSS – Sorry I’m a mess. )

Hiya!

My name is Ashley, but some people know me as: Bosssanders.

And, about me:

I have an addiction to yummy desserts and am 33 weeks pregnant.  I’m going to blame the desserts thing on the pregnancy and for those of you who have known me for longer than 33 weeks – shut up.

I also have an almost-two year old daughter, Lorelei, who showers me with hugs and kisses and is one of the funniest toddlers I know.  She’s kind and sweet and makes my world brighter.

Sometimes I talk a lot of crap, but I’d like to assure you that I’ve never ACTUALLY stuffed maggots up his nose or punched him in his spleen, despite the numerous threats.  Not yet.  Although, he’s starting to not take me seriously, so ….nah.

I don’t really have much interest in kiss-assery, unless of course the bum being kissed is mine.  And, I don’t mean in a literal sense – in case you were wondering.  Okay, leave.  You’re grossing me out.  Why are you looking at me like that?  Are you making kissy faces at me or is your mouth just shaped like that?

I have a lot of hobbies, some of which don’t seem like they would go together.  I hate manual labor but I love gardening.  I love crafting but have the attention span of a flea…if fleas had attention spans.  I love traveling but hate driving.

To me, my blog is just…mine.  It’s where I write whatever.  Sometimes I write about updates in my pregnancy and family, not just for those who wish to know, but also for me to look back on.  (I’ve gotten pretty lazy with the pregnancy journal for this one.)  Sometimes I write stories about my past, or even fiction (although I don’t pretend to be writing one and write another).  Sometimes I post recipes or crafts or just photographs.  Sometimes I just unleash a little bit of crazy.  Good crazy, of course.

So, that’s me.  I’d love for you to stick around and really get to know me.  And, for those of you visiting (and those of you already here!), if you have a question for me – I’d love to hear it!  You can make it off the wall or generic, just ask in my comments!  (PS – if you are visiting, be sure to leave a comment telling me a bit about who you are and your blog!)

Yesterday, my husband was laid off.

Or fired, take your pick.  “Laid off” sounds so much more easygoing – but either way you slice it, it’s the same.

There were no warnings, no suspicions, no write ups.  Just, one day your boss is gushing over how great you are, and then after the weekend…he has to let you go.

Oh, but he’ll write you a stellar recommendation for any job – and he does really hope you bring the wife and girls back by to visit, because he’d really like that.  Well, you know what I’d like?

Anyways…

Right now, I’m trying to be grateful for the things we do have.  I’m trying my darnedest to see the silver lining and to not lose sight of the good things we still have in our lives.  I’m trying not to think about the fact that the baby will be here soon or another mortgage bill will come due soon.  I’m trying to remember that everything happens for a reason, and God will take care of us.  I’m trying to understand that as hard as this may be – that God had a different plan for us and it didn’t involve a job at a company that was just buying it’s time with investors as it was.

I’m trying.

We’ll get through this, we always do.  I know that.  And, I guess in the end, it’s the journey who makes us who we need to be.

I just wish mine involved themepark passes and ice cream cones.

This past weekend, mom and Lorelei and I went for a girls’ day out for shopping and such out of town.  After circling the Cracker Barrel parking lot 5 times, hoping a parking spot would magically appear – we finally gave up and moved onwards.  Finally, we settled at the Golden Corral.  Yeh, yeh.  I know.

Sure, the cluster of rat tails and mullets surely did amuse me – but, mostly because I figured I’d have seen that sort of thing in a more “country” setting than the city we had chosen for our weekend “shopping” excursion (which mostly consisted of going to Target because OUR town hasn’t one).  We ate quickly and were soon on our way.

Lorelei and I made our way to the exit area – a small walkway located beside the cashier/hostess – and waited against the wall for mom to finish up.  In front of us stood 2 girls – somewhere around my age – and a guy who was with them, but I’m not sure if it was in the “brother” or “boyfriend” sort of way.  Or both.  You couldn’t really tell.

One girl, a pretty brunette with her hair pulled in a ponytail called the guy over and asked him if he’d carry the tray and plates.  Actually, although it was in question form, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t really an inquiry.  With a slight nod, he moves away from the wall and towards the girl as she abruptly pulls his face closer to hers, bursting forth some urgent whispers.

He chuckles and looks our way.

Must be something on the wall behind me, I rationalize.

She nudges him and says something more to him.  This time, he looks directly at me and then quickly away.

Then, she glances in my direction.

F*ing wall.  I’m pretty positive it is indeed not the wall.  Oh my gosh.  Did a huge zit erupt on my forehead and swallow my eyebrows? I feel for a bump, or a lesion maybe.  No.  Nothing. I sniff quickly, wondering if a booger was dangling from my nostril, like a tiny bungee jumper.  Nada.

The second girl, petite with blonde curls, pats the brunette’s back obviously wanting in on the big secret.  The brunette turns to her, whisper in her ear and the brunette looks at me.  Again.  As does the blonde.  She smirks, turns around and then moves her chin back over her shoulder, her eyes peering down behind her back towards my daughter.

At that moment, I realized their conversation topic.

“Could you be a little more OBVIOUS?!”  I said, their expressions turning to shock and gazes dropping.

Turns out, there were no boogers.  Turns out, I really do look young – which gets to be a little awkward when you’re pregnant…and look like you’re 16.  So, I decided to set the story straight.

I’m not 16, I’m 12.

Hello!  Well, I was told that I should probably have a birth plan and, to be honest I did: Have a baby.  But, the greater forces that be didn’t think that was good enough, so I logged on to a website that basically made one for me.  I threw that one away.  It was like 4 pages long and didn’t even have pictures or diagrams or anything.  So, I decided to make my own.

I know you already know my name and basic sexual history from my chart and all, but I heard that you should really make friends with the nurses – and, I just want you to know that I’m totally down with that.  Usually, I don’t really let my friends touch me in all the places you’re about to, but I understand.  I would like to request, though, that you at least chat me up a little beforehand, you know – so it doesn’t feel so cold and all.  Bonus points if you make funny kissy faces at me.

Also, I’d really appreciate it if maybe the student nurses could stay away from my va-jay-jay.  It’s not that I don’t want to be their friend, I just don’t want to feel like I should be selling theme park tickets.  You understand, right?

I realize all births are different, and therefore all moms probably have their own brand of crazy coming in, so I had a few things I thought we should discuss (if you have a really short attention span, please skip to page 3):

-  Please ask me before you go doing anything up in my hoo-ha.  I have this weird reflex of kicking and wouldn’t want to kick your head.  So, if you’re wanting to do something like strip my membranes, make sure I’m cool with it.  Thanks in advance.

-  If my water breaks before labor, I want to wait a while before being induced.  Like, 12 hours.  I promise I won’t take a bath or sit in any mud puddles in between.

-  Since I’m basically going to be displaying my goods all over the place, I’d really like some mood music and lighting.  Barry Mantilow is cool and all but I’m kind of thinking more along the lines of oceans and such.  And, I don’t want to set your alarms off, so I guess I can pass on the candlelight, but do you think we could maybe dim the lights a little?  I’ll bring the music if you’ll dim the lights *wink wink*

-  Can I please have two hospital gowns?  I’m thinking I might want to get up and try some different positions and I realize I probably won’t care THEN, but come on.  Help a girl out.

-  Can you please just ignore me if you see me take a swig of water?  I realize I can’t have buckets, but this is some hard work.  Ice chips just lose their cool factor after a while.

-  I know I’ll have to have an IV or a port or something, but for the most part I think it might be cool to be able to move should I feel the need.  It’s highly probable that I won’t feel the need, but I like to keep my options open.

-  I’ve decided that I don’t want an epidural.  The problem is I might change my mind.  Don’t listen to me.  Even if I plead or tell you I’m dying.  I really don’t want one, so just tell me they’re out or that someone ran over the anesthesiologist.

-  Since I’m not having an epidural, I might do some really weird things.  You know, like moo or cross my eyes and zone out.  I might even hop up like Elvis, grab my crotch and sing, I’m really not sure.  I’ve been reading some really hippy/crunchy books and who knows which set of advice I take.  You are more than welcome to moo with me, by the way.  Or, just moo at me.  I’ll think you’re hilarious and will probably bring you cookies when I come back.

-  I’m thinking I’d really like a mirror.  You know, so I can apply my chapstick and then make sure I’m pushing right and stuff.  It helped last time.

-  As far as episiotomies go, no thanks.  Unless of course, it’s a medical emergency…but still, ask before you do it, okay?

-  If my husband leaves with a limp or a black eye, he most likely just ran into the door or something.  Just ignore it.  It’s cool.

-  After my baby is born, I’d really appreciate it if you could not whisk her away but could maybe do all of the suctioning and wiping down while she’s laying on me?  And then I want to breastfeed before all of the “routine” stuff starts getting underway.

-  My husband wants to cut the cord, but if he gets all pansy-like, that is up for grabs.  My mom will probably bare her teeth and nails if you don’t let her do it though.  Just sayin’.   I’d also really appreciate it if you could wait until the cord stops pulsing to cut it.

-  Speaking of pansy-ing out – If my husband should get all dramatic and go unconscious, just gently move him over with the toe of your shoe.  Try not to kick him, or anything but DOOD, this is my day.  He can get his own nurses, or wait his turn.

-  Once my baby is born, please hold off any of the crazy family members that somehow used their ESP powers to find out I was there.  I’d really like to bond with her and my husband and establish breastfeeding before we take on any visitors.  If you need to, you have my permission to send them to the neurosurgery or general surgery waiting rooms.  At least it’ll buy me a little bit of time – plus it’d be kind of funny (obviously moreso for me, not them).

-  Since I’m breastfeeding, can you please not give my baby any sort of pacifiers or artificial nipples or formula?  I know you probably wouldn’t, but I just wanted to be sure in case when you talk to me next I’m all mumbly and you can’t quite decipher what I just said.

-  I’d love to give my daughter her first bath, by the way.  I brought some baby stuff, so please let me know if you guys are down with that.

-  I’m okay with the Vitamin K shot, eye goo, and PKU prick, but can we do that after the initial breastfeeding, please?

To RECAP:

Things might get a little weird.  Mooing, Elvis crotch grabbing, and the like.  (Confused?  You should’ve read the whole thing.)

No episiotomies

Please wait until the cord stops pulsing before it’s cut

No students touching me

Please ask before you do anything that will affect me or my baby.  You can do whatever you want to my husband.

I plan to breastfeed, so please no formula, nipples other than my own (artificial or not), or pacifiers

I can’t be sure I’ve really accomplished much, seeing as how my lists just keep growing and growing. I would just throw half the list away if it weren’t for the I MUST DO THIS OR THE WHOLE WORLD WILL COLLAPSE ON ME AND EAT MY EYEBALLS type of feeling I get. Suddenly, very trivial and slightly non-related tasks such as making a few cloth napkins are indeed important enough to decide whether or not my life can go on. I mean, if I don’t make them, what in the bloody hell will everyone wipe their hands on? Dish towels? Paper towels? PSHAW! THOSE don’t match my dining room. So OBVIOUSLY, those won’t work. What’s wrong with you people?

Ahem.

I met with my wonderful doula (and friend) earlier this week for a scrumptious lunch as she went over the birth and the 40 bajillion questions that I’d scribbled on a notepad in my purse. You know, stuff like – “Can I call you when I get gas pains at 2 am?” and “Do you know tae kwon do?” and the such. You know, normal questions. I had prepared a birth plan and had it all typed out and such but now, I basically need to start all over because apparently one really can take the phrase, “Be as detailed as possible” a bit too literally. I think I’m going to save this plan for me, and then make a separate plan for the hospital. Hmm…maybe I should also make a list of phrases Steven is allowed (and not allowed) to use in my general direction (like, “Oh come on Ashley! It’s not THAT bad!”) – that way, when I punch him in the gut, he’ll totally have been warned.

Right now, my birth plan is basically a long list of DO IT AND DIE sort of things beginning at the start of labor (which I’m hoping will be at home) and ending after Aurora is born. But my doula (I call her this because I’m not sure I’m allowed to use her real name here, yet. I know being associated with me – because I’m such a big deal and all – may result in unwanted paparazzi harassment and such…) seems to think I should actually make the list a little shorter as to not confuse (and bore) the nursing staff. Which is a really good point. I guess they really don’t need to know everything on the current plan (like, who is to be called when and the pre-hospital part) – and I should probably add pictures. Just in case. I’ve heard that sometimes the staff likes to trump your wants and requests with things like …oh, routines. Maybe I’ll even make it all 3D and give them special 3-D glasses to wear! I should probably make it bigger than the average hospital trash can, too…you know, so it doesn’t get “lost.” Which, it won’t because I plan to print like 80 copies and tack them to every door as I crawl through the OB ward in labor.

So, basically, I’ll have two plans – one for those who will be attending the actual WHOLE thing (mom, Steven, and ….the mystery lady/doula/friend) and then one for the nurses. The first one probably will look much like it does, and the second one will possibly have cool graphics and 3-D glasses on posterboard…

It mostly all boils down to ….

My vagina is mine and please ask me before you do anything that could adversely affect it, or the child-thing which will soon appear. Mmkay?

………

And then, I’m also working on the LABOR and TAKE TO THE HOSPITAL list. Which, will be two different things – one is just for the labor, and the other is the random overnight sort of stuff.

LABOR BAG

• lavender, peppermint, chamomile, and a citrus essential oil. Because OBVIOUSLY the room will need to smell good and they’re supposed to make me feel all magical and stuff. Like liquid fairy dust or something.
• birth ball. In case I get bored and feel like exercising, or need something else to throw – or, of course…I could always sit on it to help with labor pains. Whatever.
• socks. I don’t think I’ll need these, but I’m not sure. I think maybe I did wear them last time, and I just can’t remember. I plan on buying some really crazy fantastic ones. I mean, if all else fails I can always focus on my socks during labor.
• chapstick. Screaming your lungs out has this drying effect on your lips (for Steven). So does breathing (for me).
• lotion.
• Ponytail holder. For impromptu rubber band type fights…or of course for my hair.
• the ice pack for my neck. It’s actually this little snake-y looking thing that you can make warm or cold and it goes around your neck. I bought it in the middle of the mall at some point for hiking and haven’t used it but what…once? And it wasn’t while hiking.
• the water pack for my back. It wraps around and is supposed to be good for back cramps. Who knows, it could be handy.
• Whole grain banana nut bread, bottled water, and strawberries. I guess once I hit 35 weeks, I’ll be making 2 batches of the sugar free, high protein, whole grain, fruit bread every week JUST IN CASE. I also plan to take this to the hospital because I have authority issues and don’t like people telling me when I can or can not eat or drink. ALTHOUGH I really doubt I’ll want to eat much by the time I get to the hospital, but water? – I’ll definitely want that. I BEGGED for it last time.
• Camera and batteries and extra card. Do I really need to explain this one?
• pillow. Mostly for the car. Just in case.
• pen and paper. I might feel like doodling in between contractions? No, really…because sometimes I need to write at the weirdest times. And, I may need to make my hit list…you never know. Anyways, I’m sure it’ll come in handy.
• Mints. For everyone but me, because I don’t have to smell my own breath.
• My cell phone. What if I feel like making prank calls while mooing?
• For the car only : a small bucket, a couple of towels, walmart bags, hand sanitizer, and a pair of gloves. I like to be prepared.  The hospital is 50 minutes away.

THE OVERNIGHT BAG

• Pillow? I usually deal pretty well with flat pillows as long as I can stack a couple, but mine will be in the vehicle just in case.
• boppy. I’m just following the crowd here, they say I’ll need it.
• Nursing bra.
• Nursing pads. In case there is leakage. You never know.
• laptop and charger. Because I’m an addict and who knows, I may want to check the weather or something.
• charger for cell phone
• card reader for camera card
• car seat. I’m pretty sure it’s kind of illegal to strap the baby to the luggage rack.
• baby hats. Because they’re oh so cute
• the baby’s entire wardrobe in both Preemie and NB sizes (b/c she may be tiny like L was) and because we’ll be playing dress up (which also helps to convince people that we’re still alive when I do nothing but sleep the following week and can manage to post photos of A in a different outfit each day)
• baby shampoo and body wash. and lotion. Because I like mine better (it has less chemicals)
• a couple of lightweight scrumptious baby blankets
• a couple of non scrunchy going home outfits for me – and flip flops. My feet were so swollen after L was born, I couldn’t even wear the sneakers I’d brought.
• toiletries, hairbrush, and makeup. I probably won’t wear the makeup, but who knows. Word may get out and hit the mainstream media that I’m having a baby and, you know…
• 2 pair of underwear. Only because I feel weird not packing it, though because we all know I won’t be wearing it.

Any other ideas for things I should bring? Go ahead, hit me. Or, even with things I shouldn’t bring (even if it’s not on my list). It doesn’t have to be practical, I mostly just want to read the things you guys will come up with!

1. Do you like blue cheese dressing?
ONLY with buffalo chicken.
2. Have you ever smoked cigarettes?
I smoked a couple of puffs to prove a point and then put it out (I mean, smashed it out).  I really hate cigarettes.  And, the smoke makes me sick.

3. Do you own a gun?
Technically they’re Steven’s, but yes.

4. What’s your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shops?
Something iced with caramel and chocolate and whipped cream with little chocolate chips and caramel drizzles on top.  and a cherry.  Not that I ever really go, though.  The caffeine and sugar are enough to make me feel like crap (and a waste of calories).  But they ARE yummy.

5. What do you think of hot dogs?
eh.  They’re okay really rarely.  I don’t like to eat them often.

6. Favorite Christmas song?
Do you hear what I hear and…Away in a Manger…and…

7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
water.  Same for afternoon and night, too!  (Although a healthy fruit smoothie would be yummy too!)

8. Can you do push ups?
Yes.  COULD.

9. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
Probably this necklace with a circle. Real descriptive, I know.  I don’t wear much jewelry because I don’t really go much of anywhere.

10. Favorite hobbies?
geocaching, crafting with ppl, parties (not the get smashed kind), events, etc.  I just like DOING stuff and being around people I like.  Pretty easy.

11. Do you have ADD?
Nope.  I have a toddler and a husband who thinks what he has to say is more important than what I’m doing, though.  Which is why I can rarely read when he’s home, because instead I get read anything he says, whether I protest or not.  My earplugs are in the mail.

12. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?
I hate that I CARE so much about what others think/say/do (or dont do)…and I often base my “self worth” off of that.  So, there are days I feel really shitty.  Like now.

13. Middle name?
Nicole

14. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
It’s supposed to be pretty out today and I haven’t even walked outside yet.
I want to do something fun today, but at the same time I want to hide in the closet and cry.
I feel like a total loser for feeling like a total loser just because of a nonexistent stupid party – which also makes me feel like they don’t love me and want to celebrate.

15. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink
Water

16. Current worry right now?
Stressed about getting stuff done before baby.  And money.

17. Current hate(s) right now?
These frickin’ ridiculous tears.

18. Favorite place to be?
Jamaica was pretty darn awesome.  But, traveling to new places with my family.

20. Like to travel?
Love it!

21. Name 3 people that will complete this.
Surprise me!

22. Do you own slippers?
No.  I received 2 pair actually.  One for a just because gift, which were really nice…but they were for the same foot.  One set for Christmas but they were too small.  But, it’s okay.  I don’t really wear house shoes/slippers.

23. What color shirt are you wearing?
pink

24. Could you ever make it 39 days on the show Survivor?
Could.  But have no wish to…so therefore, I’d just quit.

25. What song do you sing in the shower?
I don’t sing in the shower.  I think in the shower.  Or, I talk to Lorelei when she’s in the shower with me.

26. Favorite girls names?
Lorelei and Aurora to name two.  I have a whole list but the mister hates them.  We don’t agree on girl names very well.

26. Favorite boys’ names?
Izaiah Christian and Aidan Joseph and we had another one which I can’t remember.

28. What’s in your pocket right now?
no pockets

29. Last thing that made you laugh?
Lorelei being silly

30. Worst injury you’ve ever had?
When I was raped.

31. Do you love where you live?
Yes and no.  In the summer, yes.  Winter? No.

32. How many TV’s do you have in your house?
2.  Neither have cable.  They’re just for looks (or moobies)

33. Who’s your loudest friend?
Michele

34. Does someone have a crush on you?
I’m sure some people would like to crush me…with their car.

35. What’s your favorite candy?
I’m more of a cookie/cake kind of girl.  Candy is sweet but …nothing really to it.

36. Favorite sports team?
don’t have one

37. What were you doing at 12 AM last night?
sleeping

38. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up today?
Ow.  I have to pee! And, MAN I’m dehydrated just from sleeping?  WTH?

39. What’s your favorite holiday?
All of them pretty much…and my birthday.  I just like being with those I love and celebrating.

40. What are your plans for tomorrow?
Church, if I feel up to it.  That’s about it since it’s supposed to be icky and rainy.

Lots of little things, in list form.  Because I love lists.

1.  This morning, I thought it might be a great time to just add to my hectic schedule try again with the potty training.  I’ve been watching Lorelei for months and she seems MOSTLY ready, it’s just doing it.  I went back and forth with which METHOD we’d use and decided quickly that it wouldn’t be the whole run nekkid around the house method because a few days ago, she peed on the bath mat and then told me to clean it up.  “Mama!  TOWEL!  Mama!”
2.  I figured maybe we could start with practicing sitting on the potty with her diaper off every hour or so AND use the pullups. 
3.  Potty training FAIL: Toddler refuses to sit on potty but pats the seat and tells ME to sit and go pee pee.
4.   I am now taking Dr. Brazzelton’s advice (from his book, he’s currently not accepting my phone calls) and will just practice having her sit on the little potty when mommy sits on the big potty.  While she’s dressed.  And, she can play or eat or whatever.  Just sit for longer than 2 seconds.  (We’ve already gotten to where she’ll sit on it and then stay for a few seconds WITH clothes, only.  So, now we’ll just buy time).  I’m also supposed to begin implementing peer pressure now by saying “Mommy sits on the potty…and Mimi sits on the potty…because when we’re big like you, we sit on the potty to go ….”
5.  My dad and brother came up today to help cut and clear limbs out of our yard.  There were lots and they were huge!  They had to cut some up and pull the rest off…something I definitely couldn’t do.  I love my family (Thanks again!)
6.  I owe them cupcakes, again.  (It’s how I repay them.  I also do other forms of sweetness…and meals, but they request cupcakes usually)
7.  A friend of mine is letting me borrow small cloth diapers so now I get to cloth diaper Aurora ASAP!  I’ll probably wait til the cord falls off to begin, but YAY!
8.  I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with things I want to get finished – two of which don’t even REALLY matter – painting the kitchen and finishing the quilt.  But, I’ve made it such a huge deal in my head already and am so afraid that if we don’t do it now, it will never get finished.
9.  I’m feeling overwhelmed in general, today.  Maybe it’s because I’m sick, or the hormones…or maybe it’s not.  I’m all teary-eyed and feeling like I’m oh-so-alone and nobody loves me and all sorry for myself.  I want to beat myself up.  I know it’s dumb, and yet…  I just want to cry.
10.  I just realized how much stuff we still have yet to buy that I didn’t even put on the list…like cloth nursing pads, cloth diaper wipes, nursing bras, nursing tanks, double stroller (which was on the list actually), BFing cream, and other things…I’m kind of freaking out about it, actually.
11.  Another friend loaned me some “natural childbirthing” books and I’m currently reading about Ina May.  Full disclosure: I figured I’d just scan this one, but they make some really good points in here.  Things I’ve written down for notes of things to do while in labor:
-Moo
-Laugh a lot.  Even if it requires punching your husband in the gut to make you do so.  Or, the mooing.
- Express the love
- Sing
- Blow raspberries
(I’m not explaining these because I’m mean and want you to WONDER.  )
12.  I’ve finished the first draft of my birth plan.
13.  I keep going back and forth on the vitamin K – and whether I want the hospital to give it to her in a shot, or whether I’d rather give it to her realllly slowly, or whether I just want to depend on her getting it from my regular diet.  I can’t decide.  Big words like brain bleeds freak me out.
14.  Brain bleeds is actually 2 words, neither of which are big in size…but DUDE.
15.  Cry. Cry. Cry.

**Sidenote:  The crazy hair?  Yes, that’s because AFTER I got undressed, I realized that OH CRAP I need to take a photo!  So, I redressed and kind of forgot to check my hair.  Oh well.

Today, you kids are getting a special treat, a photo with my belly AND face.  Don’t you just feel special?  You should.

The 31 week mark has come and gone (or would have in less than 2 hours), and I’m feeling exhausted and like i’m going to pass out.  It just started a few days ago (and if you weren’t aware of this, maybe you shouldn’t tell me because then I would SO KNOW you’ve not been reading my blog.  Gaw.  Don’t you know every spare moment of your time should um…REVOLVE AROUND ME?  Consider this your warning, mmmkay?)

So, today I went to my obligatory every-2-week OB visit just to wait for an hour, do the ritualistic pee-in-the-cup thing, and…a 4D ultrasound!  With Lorelei, at 34 weeks she was still breech – but Aurora?  Yeh, she’s already head down.  And, turns out I’m not completely dying, I’m just a pregnant anemic with an infection.  So, yay for that.  Actually, I’m kind of excited by the news – which makes me sound sick in the head – but, at least I know that in exactly 7 days, I should feel much better (because my antibiotic lasts 7 days).  I’m now on a red-meat and dark-greens diet, doctors orders.  So, feel free to send me steaks and shrimp.  Yes, I know shrimp isn’t red meat…it just sounds good with steak.  That, and I generally don’t eat much beef because I prefer chicken or seafood or NO MEAT…so this is harder than it sounds for me.  I just want you all to know that me eating steaks is SUFFERING.  Feel bad for me, okay?  *snicker*

It looks as if Aurora is also a pouty-faced bald baby, and she’s still a girl.

What else?  What else?

Oh, 113 lbs in my new weigh in.  That, and I have the best OB ever.  She actually called my cell and left me a personal msg apologizing for not being there the second 2-week appt in a row because she had a hospital emergency to tend to.  She told me to call her if I needed her at all or if anything came up.

And just so you all know…that horrid crunchy grindy tail-bone feeling I sometimes have when I roll over or try to walk?  It’s the plates in my lower back grinding together.  Apparently I can drink a LOT more water (8 8oz glasses no longer cut it for some of us) and it’ll help.  That, and it was suggested that I buy one of those girdle thingies to hold up my stomach.  Which I won’t do.  Because, taking a nap with a pillow between my legs also tends to help the lower back pain and that sounds like WAY more fun.  So, I choose that one.