I have this ball of emotions and incoherent thoughts rumbling through my body, ready to take me captive at the first sign of weakness. And, for the most part, I really don’t want to pick through them to be able to write, to record. I don’t want to remember this. I don’t want to feel this. But, what’s “healthy” versus what I feel like doing, are probably two completely different things.

So, instead…here’s my burst of anger. My venting.

(PS – If you don’t like real…or if you tend to think things are about YOU, you should probably turn back now. As in, stop reading. I’ll try to follow this post up with cute and cuddly puppies that fart rainbows and skittles.)

Wednesday, I started bleeding. Thursday, I couldn’t get out of the bed because it was so heavy and the amount of cramping and nausea completely took over. Friday, the same. Saturday, I ventured out for a few hours but then found out quickly that it was way too soon to stand up for more than 3 hours. Sunday, the same.

It’s hard to think about what could’ve been, what might’ve been.

And, I’m dealing. The best way I know how. Which, might be at this point to just not deal.

For several days, I didn’t really mention anything except to my husband and mom and a couple of friends for advice as to whether I’d need to take a next step or if my body would take care of things on it’s own. I didn’t know what I thought or felt, beyond the ball of emotions and thoughts. I didn’t want to join some special club with special handshakes and secret forums. I didn’t want to face the possibility of insensitive comments.

I am not in need of a sermon. I don’t think I’m being paid in full for sins I’ve committed past. I don’t feel abandoned by God. I don’t blame God, possibly myself, but not God.

I also realize that I do have two beautiful children and that I am blessed. I know all things can be used for His glory.

I know this isn’t the end of things.

I know I’m not the only one. I also know that some women struggle with this on a more than occasional basis. But, this is new to me. And, no matter how many times it may happen in the future, I really doubt it’ll ever cease being “new” each time. So, no, I can’t talk about symptoms or steps as if it were seasonal allergies.

And lastly, this post isn’t about any of you. It’s about me. It’s about me feeling a little broken right now and being unable to “handle” it – possibly because there’s nothing really to “handle” or “control.” I don’t know.

There, I talked about it.

Welcome back!

Yesterday, I posted a temperament test…what were your results?

I scored:

57 choleric
34 phlegmatic
50 melancholy
53 sanguine

The LaHayes say that you can be a combination of temperaments as well.  It’s rare that people score evenly in all 4, though.  (Keep in mind that your temperament is what you’re born with, you can learn to behave in other ways.)

So, that makes me a choleric sanguine melancholic.

Below, I’m listing what each means (in a nutshell):

ROCKY CHOLERIC

independent unpopular   cruel

have goals think they are perfect  won’t give up a fight

know how they want problems solved cold    demand loyalty from ranks

decisive – know whats righ and wrong. unemotional   has little needs for friends

organizer – run things well. domineering   is usually right

visionary unforgiving   must correct wrongs

strict with kids – know what they expect   angry    compulsive need for change

Flip Philegmatic

peace makers         unmotivated

quiet          procrastinator

don’t express selves or give info unless asked.    undecisive

perfectionist         selfish (stingy)

control their anger well       fearful

calm in tense situation – mediate & settle arguments    worrier

important to them that everyone “feels” food    dampens enthusiasum

effiicient         would rather watch or do behind the sceens work

subtle humor         clean up after everyone goes home

quietly observe situations       Finds the easy way out

good listeners – good interpersonal skills     keeps emotions hidden

Maestro Melancholy

gifted praise children sparingly

self sacrificing        moody

help others         self-centered (can be)

thoughtful         critical of others (and myself)

behind the scenes worker negative

like to see others succeed       deep need for approval

like quiet away from people hold back affection

faithful         carry resentment for years

devoted insecure socially

industrious         suspicious of people
Example:  worry and worry about bills

Sparky Sanguine

entertainer undependable

outgoing fickle about friends (I tend to go hard and fast into relationships but get disappointed easily.)

responsive         forgetful (which is why I make LISTS!)

warm undisciplined

friendly         emotionally unstable ( I have definite cycles of ups and downs)

compassionate un productive

doesn’t hold grudges        egostistical

feelings don’t get hurt       exaggerate (I can also stick to the details, but exaggerate to make the stories more amusing)

life of the party        compulsive talkers

fun at home decide with feelings not head

creative hates to be alone

So, is it true?  Maybe.  These lists don’t go into as much depth as the book does, but I can see where there is some definite truth.  This test just kind of reminds me where I am and where I WANT to be and the things I need to work on and let the Holy Spirit change in me.

I’m creative and love painting and crafts but I’m definitely not the type that can “feel” the music and play from my heart (although I can paint from my heart, which may have been self taught).  I like well disciplined children (but happy kids…and no, I don’t really have all of the answers on how to get there.)  I like to talk but when I’m working, I generally dive into my work and get the job done.  I’m analytical and pay attention to details.  I think a WHOLE lot, more than I should.  I am definitely emotional and moody – it goes in cycles.  I have a hard time reading sad books, especially when I’m in a “low” point.  I can cry about a book about someone with cancer for a month (and wonder if my kids have cancer every time I see dark circles under their eyes).  I worry more than I should, but I KNOW this so don’t take myself too seriously.  I love easily but then I hold grudges once i’m crossed.  I’m generally happy MOST of the time and laugh loudly.  I enjoy people but I enjoy my quiet too. I WANT to be organized and LOVE organization but it’s work for me.  I am happiest when my life is comfortably organized (but not stuffy and cold), but you couldn’t tell if you looked at my room, it looks like something exploded.  –Which is equally my and my husband’s part.  I love designing things but like close to instant gratification…so, I will probably never finish a large knitting project.  I’d prefer to sew or use my hands and glue.  (It doesn’t have to be the WHOLE project, but I have to see SOMETHING)  I love friends and family and am definitely critical.  But, I am also critical of myself.  I try to understand people and sometimes I get really really impatient with people BUT choose to love them.  (I also get impatient with MYSELF, so it doesn’t come from a “I’m perfect” sort of view.)  People who think they are perfect drive me nuts and make me want to deflate their heads.  I used to argue more than I do now.  I’m usually right, but only because I will carefully analyze situations and problems and then form an answer only if I’m SURE.  I won’t argue if I don’t know, generally.  And, when I am wrong, I’m one of the first to admit it.  I am stubborn.  I get angry fairly easily – something I’m working on.  I CAN be impulsive, but have learned to back off and think on it before acting.  I both hate and love change.  I like it when I’m in control of it (rather than when it just happens to me).  For example, moving because I choose to is different from moving because you have to.  I try to make the best of situations and I choose to see God working in everything.  I have a level of self confidence, but there are also many things that I’m not confident about…then, there are other things I don’t care about.  I love to love people and never say it if I don’t mean it.  I choose my words carefully and generally mean what I say.  I know how to play the stupid mind games (and am fairly good at them when forced into the situation), but I PREFER open honesty (nice honesty, nonetheless)…but I like transparency (case in point: my blog).  I appreciate relationships but if I feel like someone has hurt me or is going to, I start putting up the walls and back away really really quickly.  I have a sense of humor (a weird one as it may be), but am sensitive to constant “jabs.”  I don’t think it’s very funny to constantly poke at someone.  I love to dream and I love the challenge of making those come true.  I work well with goals and am really good about sticking with them. I used to have to have everything very scheduled out, but I’ve become more relaxed in that and have grown to prefer having some things scheduled and others just taken as they come.  For example, for a vacation I’d have one or two things I’d like to do each day and then just a list of “options” that we can choose as we go.

ONE

A couple of weekends ago, we visited some friends out of town.  While we were there, we were able to experience two different groups of married couples.  Each group was…well, it’s hard to explain, it was unlike anything Steven and I had really encountered before.  It was a group of people from different churches, all couples coming together to celebrate God and their marriages.  Each couple shared their difficulties and their triumphs.  But, the most amazing part was the depth of the things that were being shared, and the accountability that followed.

And, we were inspired.

“How do we do this…at home?”  We asked.  After a lot of discussion, we realized it might be near impossible at home to implement such a group with such security and commitment quickly, and we seriously entertained the idea of moving CLOSER to that group, just so we could have that for ourselves.

For those of you that know us, you would know Steven and I have had a really difficult go at the last (and first) 5 years of our marriage.  It’s been rough, beyond rough.  There have been times when counselors, marriage therapists, and even peers have told us that there was just no way, that the problem was too big.  I kept looking everywhere for answers.  I searched the internet and found a group of people who had gone – and were going through – some of the same things I was.  It put a “name” with some of the “symptoms of the problems”.  I scrolled down, reading each post, tears sliding down my cheeks as I could relate to each and every one.  I had found it.  This would be my answer!  This would tell me what to do!  But, it didn’t.

Instead, it told me the same thing almost everyone else had: Somethings never change.  Better to cut your losses now.  And, on some level…I found myself agreeing.

But, one thing held me back.  I KNEW God had brought us together.  Without a doubt.  And, to give up would mean that I’d be doubting my God and facing the possibility that He’d paired me with the wrong man.

Not ONCE did I seriously take into consideration praying for my husband.  Sure, there were a couple of women who had suggested it to me, but they were also living lives completely different than mine – they believed wives were almost inferior to their husbands, that a man could even HIT them, and they must stay.  So, I didn’t take them seriously.

Now, I can tell you our marriage has changed much.  Sure, we still deal with the aftermath of 5 years worth of storms, but we’re piecing things together, we’re healing.

What changed?

One day, God told me something.  He told me that one day, I would come back to that message board I had found and I would be a voice of hope.  I would be able to give Glory To God for a repaired marriage that no man could fix.  What changed was that at some point, I realized that God needed to be invited back into our marriage because I COULDN’T FIX THIS.  BECAUSE OUR MARRIAGE WOULD FAIL WITHOUT HIM IN IT.  –THAT, NO AMOUNT OF “SELF -HELP” WOULD FIX THINGS.  ONLY, GOD-HELP.

With that realization, both Steven and I have found a desire in our hearts to help other people in their marriages.  First, we thought about a Bible Study for married couples…or, a class…but, neither of us felt like we could do it any justice.  After all, our marriage is still far from perfect.  Better…recovering…but so much work left to do!

Then, after deciding that even these small groups would be near-impossible to recreate without YEARS of relationships, God spoke.

He gave me the details:
-8 couples ONLY
-No children allowed in the room
-One night a week, to begin each time with a meal
-Young AND older couples

I tried to brush it away, knowing that most of the people I know would either be too uncomfortable or too busy to want to really commit.  Finding 8 couples would be like trying to find 16 people who would joyously allow me to pull their teeth.  This group would be about making changes in their marriages.  It would be at times difficult and possibly even, embarrassing.  It would require strangers to commit themselves before each other and God to their spouses, God, and each other.  This wasn’t like asking a bunch of people over to play wii and eat free food (much easier to do).  It would mean that we would be truly accountable to each other and ask each other the difficult questions and give difficult answers.

AND, to top it off…who are we to lead a group based on marriage?   – Couldn’t it be on something else?

And then, He told me that I had it all wrong.  My job was simply to invite the people, He would get them to come (those that were supposed to).  And, my job was NOT to lead the group, just set it up…HE would lead it.

So, I listened.  I began inviting people.  And within a few hours, a group was formed.  I thought it would take forever to get it going, and now I’m fearing we’ll have to tell people we’re full!  We have only a few more openings left, but I think that has more to do with hearts being in the process of being molded.  I invited those I was told to and the rest?  Will be up to Him.

God is amazing!

TWO

In the past couple of weeks, Lorelei’s attitude seemed to have gotten crazy.  Whining, back talk, issues in obedience, ignoring…all of it.  My sweet little girl seemed to have suddenly gone a little wild.  My anxiety began mounting, going through the roof.  Then, a friend mentioned a book.

I don’t think it was a coincidence at all.  A God-incident maybe.

To Train Up A Child is the book, and while I don’t necessarily agree with everything it outlines, we’ve adapted our own parenting style and beliefs and have adopted those.  In less than 30 minutes, there was a difference!

I read that “popping” a child on the behind with your hand can misalign the child’s spine – regardless if there is a padded diaper.  It’s the impact.  So, we stopped using that.  Instead, we have begun smacking her hand, but the real difference is that INSTEAD OF WAITING UNTIL I’M TO MY BOILING POINT, I “TRAIN” HER WITH EVERY INFRACTION, NO MATTER HOW SEEMINGLY INSIGNIFICANT.  Before, I would let certain things go.  I would follow through if I said she’d receive some form of correction, but I was afraid that punishing her for  every  little infraction made me impatient, that it made me a bad mommy.  What I didn’t realize was that by letting her to even the tiniest little things, I was letting rebellion breed in her little heart.  Granted, most of her “rebellion” is pretty small stuff…nothing hateful.

The book that I’m reading is a very rod-oriented book, and while I am not comfortable using a “switch” or a belt on my sweet 2 year old, we will have to incorporate something extra for when the hateful acts begin (IF they do). But, I was thinking more…fly-swatter.  I’m praying that will work.  And while I have trouble with a few parts of the book, there was one thing amazing Pearl mentioned – that it’s SO important to break their (defiant/stubborn/rebellious) WILL, but NOT their HEARTS.  In practice, that means they have to know how to behave, know to obey, but that you don’t spank and spank them into submission without loving them.  It doesn’t mean you beat your kids so they’ll fear your word, it means you train them (even if it means a little discomfort) so they can hopefully bypass a lot of potential misery and pain. It means you do it calmly, never when angry. It means you take the time to get to know them and develop a relationship with them.  And, it means…you know when and where to stop.

For us, the “hand spank” as we call it is working awesomely.  Lala has begun to realize that if she chooses to break the rules, there will be a consequence.  The thing that surprises me most, though,is that I am less stressed and training her MORE means less discipline for her.  She knows that any rebellion at all will lead to the same thing, and she’s calmed down.

And, the hugs she gives me (even right afterwards) lets me know we’re on the right track.

It must be a funny (pitiful) sight to see me “running.”  Really, it’s almost amusing at how quickly I become out of breath as I try for the first time in my life to really start running.  I was told running would be hard, that it’d take months – if not years – for it to really integrate itself so well into my life that I could actually relax as I run.  That’d be nice.

But, for now, I’ll feel like I’m about to die as the breath is sucked straight out of my lungs and the cold air burns them instead.

The funny thing is that I’ve been CRAVING running.  It sucks while I do it, but then I can’t wait to do it again.  Maybe I’ve just developed a masochistic personality.

Regardless, I’m trying to drag Steven into my new lifestyle.  It’s something we’ve talked about for …since we’ve been married, but we never seem to keep up the whole “active lifestyle” for more than a couple of weeks.  This time, I bought a board game (called The Fitness Challenge) and it seems pretty cool.  The main idea for the game is to try to get in 3 workouts a week and there are points and prizes (real ones) and all that jazz…

I’m feeling particularly pumped that so far this week, I’m winning.  The bad news is that that’s because Steven hasn’t done a workout this week yet (which is okay, he still has 5 days).  The good news is that I’ve gone from working out 3 days a week, to trying to cram more in.  Like 4 days a week.  I’ve started dabbling in p90x.  Dabbling, because most of the system depends on a pull up bar, which requires a sturdy door frame.  I don’t really trust these door frames and am not committed to losing our security deposit over a freakin pull up bar.  My walls are made of some really sturdy cardboard (not wood), so I really doubt the doors and frames were splurged on.  In fact, I have a sneaky suspicion half of this place was super-glued together (which I may or may not have done some of the repairs myself).

I was feeling rather confident after I finished my p90x Ab Ripper with no pain or soreness.  I felt like a superstar (that had been jipped of a workout) when I felt nothing the next day.  But 2 days later, I feel it.  It may have something to do with the extra pushups I did and the run…but, when Steven asked me to scoot underneath the baby bed in order to reassemble it, I suddenly realized that most of my muscles were on fire.  Except my feet.  My feet seemed fine.  That was it.

In other news, you really can RUN through a bank drive through to deposit money.  And yes, that was me.  I like to multi-task (and they’d already locked the front doors).

In more news, the baby’s bed has been moved to the girls’ room.  Lorelei is ecstatic and at 7:30am, they both woke up and were giggling and having fun.  I’m excited, yet…not…why can’t they sleep til noon?

In even more news, Lorelei is nonstop hungry.  I’m happy she’s eating but am now wondering if this is a developmental stage or one really large tapeworm.

1.  Regardless that you never stuffed your bra in highschool, you might suddenly find yourself doing so.  You may even want to buy stock in nursing pads, I’m just sayin’…

2.  My number one requested item on my baby shower list POST-BABY?  Fitted sheets…because um, yeah.

3.  Right after that?  Towels.

4.  Cabbage leaves?  Don’t work.  Unless you WANTED to smell like rotten yuck, then of course, by all means…

5.  The La Leche League leader was quite possibly born with no feeling in certain areas of her body.  Or, it’s a man.  Because, I can think of no other logical reason they would tell you that it won’t hurt at all…unless you’re doing it wrong.  Because it will.  Badly (if it’s your first).  But, it DOES go away in a couple of weeks.

6.  They sell books on positions…for nursing.  Most of which, might be dangerous with a newborn – and a very sleep deprived mama.  (Plus, I found it hard to do some of them just because of logistics…until she was a little older…so don’t feel bad if you have a little trouble.  It’s not just you.  It could quite possibly be just me, though.)

7.  A sexy nursing bra?  HAHAHAHAHA.

8.  By the way, you’ll have to replace those suckers (nursing bras) quite a lot if you get one that’s more substantial than a bit of cloth – which I suggest you buy unless you just love wet spots (which are apparently not sexy to most men.)

9.  You don’t have to buy the specialty nursing tops…but it sure makes things easier at first when you’re learning how to be discreet and not show everyone your stuff.

10.  Pretty evening wear doesn’t usually equal nursing friendly.  Actually, it makes things kind of difficult.  It may end up resembling something like a chunky cloth necklace in a locked backroom before the evening is over.

11.  Some people are stupid and think it’s okay to suggest you should feed your baby in the bathroom.  It is 100% fine to tell them that you will feed your child in the bathroom after you see THEM eat their meal from on the toilet.

12.  Although your husband might have faked remorse over not being able to share the nightly feedings with you, he may not actually jump in when it finally comes time for solids.  Occasionally, it is normal for a man to forget how to do things…you know, like hold a baby spoon.

13.  There is a fine line between nourishing your sweet child and becoming a human pacifier.  It’s up to you where you stand on that one, and you may find yourself weakening your resolve.  Like, in order to get some peace and quiet before your head explodes, for example.

I write this blog for a variety of reasons, and what I choose to or not to write…I also choose for a variety of reasons.

Sometimes I write things just for the sake of remembering them.

Sometimes I write so I can analyze my thoughts.

Sometimes I write, hoping for input.

Sometimes I write just to know I’m not alone.

Sometimes I write so others know that they are not alone.

Sometimes I just need to get things out of my head.

Sometimes I write so family and friends can “keep up” with our lives easily.

Sometimes…I just write.

And, sometimes…I wish I didn’t.  Sometimes, I wish I could just go back to a diary or journal of sorts that is hidden from the eyes of the world because sometimes it’s easier for nobody to know than everyone to know but only a few care out loud.

Sometimes, I wonder if it’d be better just to keep my mouth shut and smile, no matter how I feel inside – but, I know deep down that that won’t really work.  This is generally the one place where I really open up (unless probed with questions), most of my life is a string of jokes and smiles…regardless.

I’m trying incredibly hard to claw out of this deep hole I’ve found myself in.  After a long talk with my doctor and friend, we decided to add another medication to the daily arsenal.  Hopefully, I’ll notice improvement soon.  Many days, I feel so lost and over the last few days, things got much worse.  Terrifying thoughts haunted my mind, thoughts meant to destroy me and everything I could ever want.  I began using some of my time trying to find ways to escape the darkness, to find peace… to be released.

I know that I have to be honest about where I am and the battles I’m facing – because, I know I can’t do this alone.

I write so much on this blog, but it’s really a Catch 22 for me.  It’s HARD for me to not immediately push DELETE on the touchy posts.  It’s HARD for me to share with people that won’t be sharing back in most cases.  I’m ASHAMED of the feelings I feel, of the darkness that cloaks my mind.  I know I have a wonderful little family and friends and despite the recent happenings in our life, we have still been incredibly blessed.  But, the depression doesn’t care.  I know a lot of people don’t really understand depression, so let me try to explain it for you.  (And if this is how you feel, call a doctor…or message me)

Depression isn’t just a bad mood.  It doesn’t just get fixed with flowers or a funny joke.  Those things help, but those that are depressed fight MOMENT BY MOMENT.

Sometimes, depression can be healed by medicine, prayer, therapy or a combination of those.

Not all depressed people look “dirty” or like they don’t take care of their appearances.  Textbooks give that as a warning sign, but I can wear makeup and dress up and smile and still be fighting on the inside.  In fact, some of us will and have laughed even on our deathbeds.  Some of us make jokes, it’s what we do.

Depression isn’t one of those even paths where a person’s emotional state doesn’t change from one hour to the next.  For some, it comes in lulls from bad to worse, depending on a variety of circumstances.

Depression is like being trapped…

The best way I know to describe it is being trapped underwater in the deepest darkest parts of the sea where there is no light and you feel alone and scared…and alone.  Occasionally you’ll see a glimpse of something, and think it’s the light and surface, but it’s only a bubble.

Imagine the pain of someone close to you dying and feeling that…every moment of every day times 10.

Depression isn’t so much logical and people can’t just decide to be happy at this point.

We need moment-by-moment reminders that people do love us and will stand by us and little “happy things.”  We need to talk, to vent, to hug, to be loved.  Mostly, what we need to know from our friends and family is that they’ll hold our hands as we try to swim back to the surface, even if it takes us a while to find our way.  We need to know they’re beside us, not just looking down and waiting for us to drown.

I pace through the house, hugging my sweet Rora tight.  Tears streaming down my cheeks, my lips pursed affording no sound to come out.  My throat makes a gulping noise as I suppress the violent sobs that shake me, threatening to come out.  I hug her closer to my chest, my head pulsing, trying to just ground myself.  Trying to see the good.  The light.  Because, my girls…they are my little beacons of light.

I feel like I’m drowning on dry land, my feet refuse to stand still as they walk across the cold, hard tile and I want to scream at the top of my lungs to my God, “ARE YOU SERIOUS?  HELP ME OUT, HERE, DUDE!  I CAN’T DO THIS ALONE AND I’M REALLY FEELING ALONE.  I’M FEELING BEATEN.  WEARY.  LIKE I’VE ALREADY LOST.  LIKE MAYBE…JUST MAYBE, I SHOULD CALL IT A DAY.  GIVE UP.”  But, I wouldn’t dare unclench my mouth, afraid of the emotion and uncontrollable and unrecognizable sound that may come out.  So, I pace.

“Mommy sad?” Lala looks up at me, her eyes searching mine.  “Yeh, baby.  Mommy’s sad.  It’s going to be okay,” I say.  And, I feel almost guilty for promising something that I don’t know I can keep.

As hard as I try, I can’t seem to wrestle through the tangle of issues we’re looking through.  I’ve found silver-linings in everything and chalked the rest to JUST BEING LIFE.  But, now I’m finding myself suddenly paralyzed and drowning.  Occasionally, I see a sparkle, hope of a surface…but then I realize it was just a bubble and I’m still alone at the bottom of the sea.

Several months ago, my husband lost his job.  Besides a few freak-outs, we took it in stride – knowing and believing that God had something in His plans for us.  Something just for us.  We’ve been through our share of difficult times, but this one…well, with this one, we felt at peace.

My husband still does not have a job, but we wholly believe God is working behind the scenes…and we await the day when the pieces begin to fit together in a way that we’ll be able to say “AHA!”  But, it’s when a seemingly large piece – something that I never asked or prayed for, something I didn’t even know I wanted, something so seemingly MADE FOR ME comes my way.  This thing, so perfect in timing and circumstance that it could be nothing else but A GOD THING presented before me.  My soul whispers, “YES!” and from the center of my being…I just know.

And, it seems so perfect, carefully intertwining my talents and servant heart without ever truly taking away from the ministry I know HE has called me to, first and foremost.  Until…one day it does.  And, I’m left questioning and searching for answers that don’t seem to be there, feeling more lost and alone than ever because I was walking so clearly in God’s presence, and suddenly…I’m surrounded by only doubt.  In myself.  In the pieces of a plan I was called to serve in…but then, seemingly left.

It just seemed so right…but it seems to be coming to a fast end.  Other agendas are fighting to trump the one thing I know I AM being called to do, other agendas trying to tell me how I should serve my God.  I wonder what the purpose of showing me this was…something I will never be allowed to keep for a long amount of time, something that will make me feel like more of a failure than I already do.  I have poured my heart in but feel like I’m only being drained as I’m carefully being stretched in a way that I never meant to go.

“I just…I just don’t get it.  God doesn’t make mistakes, but why would he give me this just to take it away again?  Why can’t I ever seem to find my way and KEEP it?  Why am I not allowed to breathe easily and rest for a while?”

“You know, Ash….maybe this was about you.  Maybe it wasn’t about you helping others.  Maybe it wasn’t meant to be long-term.  Maybe it was just a stepping stone.”

And, maybe.

I just wish that I didn’t feel so alone with such a shaken heart.

I began my day with a couple a couple of Bible Study sessions, and then some random work projects in a haphazard manner.  My overall plan for today was to clean the house and to begin clearing up the “craft-room.”  But,  as I began trying to clear off the kitchen counter, I realized I would need to really re-organize the kitchen cabinets if I ever wanted to fit ANYTHING else into them.  So, 3 hours later a few cabinets were cleared out and organized…but the rest of the house?

Ew.  Think sticky toddler hands EVERYWHERE and man-germs and UGH.

The rest of the house is still in the disarray it began.  3 hours of organizing plus three loads of laundry later…and you can’t even tell.

But, it’ll be okay because tomorrow we set out for St. Louis with Lala and Rora’s Gigi and Pa and it’s gonna rock.

I have a feeling all of this will be waiting for me when I get back…I don’t know that that necessarily makes me feel any BETTER, but it is what it is.

That…and my couch has totally been graffiti-ed.  Apparently Lala wanted to test her writing skills.  In ink.

For Monday August 31, 2009

Outside my window… Eww eww eww.  There is so much outside work to be done before we go back to *that other place* to stay live.  Gutters need to be cleaned (we don’t own a ladder), mowing needs to be done around trees and such, some of the brick areas need to be washed down, shrubs and trees need to be pruned back a bit…and that doesn’t even include what needs to be done *inside*.  We have this tiny window of time to get things done before we leave again.  Then, HE will be gone for a while and ACK!

I am thinking… about how I wish I could get off of this “Having a bad day” track that I’ve been on for the past week or two and go back to less stress and be more relaxed and happy.  I’m really disappointed right now in people in general.

I am thankful for… Amanda, Janice, and my mom.  Without them, my actual birthday would have completely sucked.

From the learning rooms… We’re beginning some of the Preschool curriculum.  We aren’t hitting it terribly hard, just trying to introduce L to things and have fun with it.  She’s pretty eager to learn and has been practicing her ABCs (although has a while before she has those completely down), other songs, counting to 10, recognizing colors and circles, and drawing circles and lines. 

From the kitchen… Wait.  We have a kitchen?  Hmph.  We’ve been gone so much, I almost forgot.  We need to reorganize some things so our dry food FITS in the cabinets instead of on the counter top.

I am wearing… shorts and a t-shirt

I am creating… Tiles.

I am going… to Walmart.  We can do without paper towels, but NOT without toilet paper.  There is only so far I will go!  Plus we need weed-eater cord and bread.  This will probably be the extent of our shopping trip

I am reading… magazines and blogs.  My brain is too fuzzy for much else currently.

I am hoping… to have a WONDERFUL day today.

I am hearing… Rora squealing

Around the house… We are finishing up some work we are doing independently so we can pay a couple of bills and then run a quick errand just to come back home and…WORK!

One of my favorite things… is time with the girls.  I really need it lately.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Work from home, some homeschooling, yard work, Pampered Chef party, Bible study, Sir’s MRI, work in the office and meetings, and oh…the list goes on!

Here is picture thought I’d share… My sweet cats, both need homes…