You know how when your plate is full and hard enough to carry as it is and then little things keep getting added and you feel like abandoning the entire plate (which is your entire life) all-together?  But, you can’t actually because …it’s your life.  And, you know how it makes you just sob nonstop and you start feeling all stabby (mostly in your thoughts) when you have to deal with fake people and their syrupy smiles and rude obnoxious people…so you stop going out in public?  You’re angry with yourself because really, it’s time to get over this…even YOU are getting tired of hearing and seeing yourself all blue and sad and pathetic.  And you know how you start avoiding people because you know they’ll ask how you’ve been (without really wanting the full answer) and you know that as soon as you do, it’s very likely that you’ll just break down into a heap on the floor?  And, although you normally wouldn’t tell them, you will because you feel so darn broken and…they asked?  And then there’s the friends you thought were your friends, thought knew you, but they don’t even notice?  And you feel dumb for expecting people to have ESP but then again, you’re trapped in your own head?  You hate the idea of antidepressants but you also know if someone put them in front of you, you’d eat em like candy, just hoping it would chase away some of the darkness?  And, you’re all angry at God but you love HIm too?  You feel lost and you see all of these “happy” people and you wonder what the hell you did so wrong to keep getting the short end of the straw?  –And then you start wondering if maybe this was all His plan?  And that makes you … well…I don’t know.

I feel like a 15 year old EMO kid – except I’m on my own and my happily ever after turned out to be one of my worst nightmares.  So, I’m locking myself in my proverbial “room” and functioning on autopilot.

I’m trying to find “happy” but keep finding the dead-end detours, instead.

Welcome back!

There are things we often know, but sometimes lose sight of during difficult times.  Today, I had one of the gentlest reminders as my family and I worshiped God.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve accepted (and even marveled) that God has a plan for each of our lives, and like the back of a woven tapestry, we often don’t understand the full extent or the “big picture”  because all we see are a million little threads, each representing moments in our lives, woven throughout.  Over the past few years, my family and I have faced some very difficult situations – things that have tried us and brought us to our knees.  We’ve been so low where the only place we could look was UP.  My faith has been tried over and over again.  And, with each of those times, someone would say:  “Just give it to God.  This is part of His plan.”

At first, those words comforted me.  But, after some really heart-wrenching events I became furious, “His plan?  Well, maybe I don’t like His plan!  Maybe His plan is FOR me to go through (what seemed like) endless trials and to hurt…maybe I don’t WANT that!?!”

Have you ever felt that way?  – Like maybe Joel Osteen has gotten loud* a few too many times?  Okay, so maybe I’m the only one who though “Oh crap.” when our pastor shared a sermon one day about God never promising us great times if we followed Him – and, here I was just hoping for my drink to be spiked with what ever Joel Osteen was having.  Who really wants to hear that God has planned for you to lose your house, possibly your marriage, and maybe let’s throw in a baby too? – And, let’s not waste time, we’ll wad it up in the time frame of just a few years.

Yeh, suddenly that whole “God’s plan” thing just made me want to cry.  Rather than being a thought of comfort, it was more like a threat.  – Especially when nobody knew what to say…except “Give it to God.”

But, today I found an answer in a little devotional book.  Basically, it said:

God made each of us, our desires and passions included.  So, He knows us to our very core.  And, He has awesome things planned for us – not just His idea of awesome, but OUR idea of awesome.  And sure, we’re going to have to go through some REALLY rough things to get to those great and awesome things, but His plan for our lives aren’t CENTERED around those hard times.  His plan is centered around the GREAT THINGS He wants for us.  The bad stuff is just on the way, sometimes it’s what helps us get there and sometimes it’s to help shape us for what He’s prepared for us.

I’m not sure how what’s recently happened fits in exactly, and maybe I won’t ever know…but, it sure as heck is more comforting than before.

*”getting loud” means getting high with really good pot.  I don’t necessarily know this from experience.

STATUS UPDATES:

• lots of crying
• overwhelming sense of guilt over this miscarriage
• I feel like a crazy basket-case, swinging quickly from one emotion to another – despair to hope and back again
• mostly feel like sleeping
• having a rough time being around people
• this blogging is about the extent that I can talk about it for now
• still moments where I forget that I’m not pregnant and…that’s rough.  Definitely not my favorite.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” — 2 Corinthians 12:9

I would be lying if I said there weren’t times that I caught myself gently rubbing my tummy, thinking about how far along I am (was), wondering what new had grown.  I’ve cried so many tears that I have a headache that doesn’t want to go away.  I dream about this pregnancy, about this baby.  And when I wake up, I have the slightest thread of hope : Maybe it’ll be like I read about, where the ultrasound tech missed the twins in a woman’s womb (and other stories as such).  And, maybe we did just mess up the numbers and approximates.  Maybe I just am so early.  And, this blood…other women have “periods” and go on to have healthy babies.  Maybe.  Maybe!

But, then I feel my insides twisting on itself and I know.  I know that after this much blood, there’s no way.  I know it’s just hope.  Irrational hope.

I cry when I read about or see death in a film.  I cry when I look at my girls or while looking at Facebook.  I cry every time I read each sweet email or text from a friend.  I even cry when I go to pencil something in my datebook – and I scrub hard at the little numbers I had penciled in that marked each passing week of my pregnancy.

Back and forth it goes, hope to sliver a calm to pure devastation.  At this point, I don’t even know which way is up…

And yet I know it’s improvement, because that sliver of calm is there, no matter how short it is.  It’s there.

A few moments ago, I received my latest hcg numbers (48 hours after the original one of 496): 201.  It’s basically a confirmation of everything I already felt.  My numbers are going down, the baby is no more.  It’s done.  It’s over, and yet it’s not.

For the next week or so (possibly two), I’ll continue to have blood drawn to watch and wait as my levels return to negatives.  The hope for this baby is gone, but I’m secretly relieved by the count.  In some cases, a woman’s hcg levels can rise before they fall even after the baby stops thriving.  I’m so sad for what I’ve lost, but to have had numbers rising to give a false hope and security would have been worse for me.  I’m glad for the waiting to know what’s going on to be over.

My emotions rip through me like a hurricane.  I’m devastated.  I’m worried – what does this mean for the future, will it happen again?  Will I never be able to think about this baby without crying?  Will I always feel a void, a shadow in our family portrait?  Will I ever stop grieving?  And, then…there’s a tiny ray of new hope, just beginning to glow.  It’s still faint, but I’m hoping that God will use this for some good – will I help someone else?  Will God use me to plant a seed of hope and love in a heart as tender as mine is right now?

Because the thought of this baby being taken for no reason at all is just too terrible for my crushed heart to grasp.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.“ –  Proverbs 3:5,6

I believe that all things happen for a reason and that God works through ALL things to bring good (thanks Kandi for reminding me of that, regardless of whether I want to hear it or not ) – so, with that, I’m hoping this post will help someone…even if it’s 3 years down the road and Google brings you here.  So, friends, this post has so very little to do with me, please don’t think it’s laced with anything pointy.  It’s not.  But, I’ve heard so much “I just wish I knew what to say,” so here we go…

Here is a collection of things that have been helpful to me and other women who have been through (or are going through) a miscarriage.  If you want to add something, leave it in the comments.  You may help someone.

Things that were helpful:

Personally, for me - “I’m praying for you,” “I’m thinking of you,” “I love you,” “I’m here for you,” and “I’m so very sorry” have been the most helpful words.

“What can I do to help?” Is very helpful from close friends – friends that I know mean it and won’t be offended even if I ask them to go on a hunt for a specific devotional that may or may not be somewhere   On the other hand, a lot of times I don’t know what to ask for, because quite frankly…I don’t *NEED* anything, and nothing will bring back what I’ve lost.  So, if you know of someone going through a miscarriage, think about what you’d do if it was a regular death in the family.  Meals are always good.  Sometimes it’s not what we NEED, but it’s what makes another’s life more convenient or feel loved. (And, if they don’t know what would help, you can always just bring them something.  Sometimes, they don’t want to ask.  Who wants to ask for a sweet gift or a card?)

Also, miscarriage often comes with a lot of waiting – waiting for the numbers in blood tests to drop, other tests, waiting for the miscarriage to complete (it can take a while) -  so, some of the sweetest “gifts” have been comfort food, cards, books, something to make me feel pretty and girly, and even a couple of toys for my girls (which have been most helpful in keeping them entertained when I can’t/couldn’t).

Offering to be there to LISTEN is also helpful – not necessarily something I’ve taken many people up on , but it seems to be helpful for almost anyone else…

Also, understand that she’s grieving and she may be doing so for a while.  She’s going through physical and emotional changes – all of which can be very painful.  If she doesn’t want to attend any parties or baby showers, etc…don’t ask her why or try to get her to go.  Heck, going out to eat last night in a sit down restaurant was pretty hard for me.

Then, there are things that hurt.  Things meant with such good intentions, but painful for the woman who just lost her baby.  Across the board, women say it’s just like if someone else died, think of what you’d say or do to help.

Some examples of things you may want to steer clear of:

-Don’t worry, it happens all the time. Women who have been or are going through a miscarriage don’t generally want to know this.  As one woman put it, “A woman once told me this but how would she feel if I went up to her and said the very same thing after her husband just died?  Sure, it happens all the time, but it doesn’t make it hurt less.”  Then, there’s the woman who said, “I don’t want to hear ‘it happens all the time,’ that gives me no hope.  I’m trying to grieve this loss and all I keep thinking about is how it could happen again and again.”

-It wasn’t meant to be.  It was for the best. There’s a toss up on this one.  There are some women who find comfort in knowing that their baby was lost due to something that wasn’t quite right – like it wouldn’t have survived because of genetic issue, etc.  But, for many other women, these words bring absolutely no comfort.  (It may depend on whether they’ve heard it before or their stage of grief.)

-Please don’t cry. I can imagine this being pretty … well, pointless.

-You can try again. This may sound like comforting words, after-all, it was a baby you were after, right?  But, for a woman who just lost her baby, this will most likely not be helpful unless she’s having babies for the sole purpose of trying to populate her own country.  Because yes, she can try again.  But, it won’t be THIS baby.

-At least you know you can have babies. I’m not sure what I’d do if someone said this to me.  It almost sounds like a jab from someone trying for kids.  Anyhow, let’s just agree that this statement is so not helpful.

-It’s God’s will. Elizabeth said, ” Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don’t presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God’s Will, that doesn’t make them less terrible.”

-Be grateful for the children you have. Today, if your mother died in a horrid car accident and you grieved, would it make you ungrateful for your father?  Of course not.

-Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it. I’m going to attempt to speak for most of us mothers, but we love our babies the moment we find out.  We begin bonding early early on.

-You have an angel watching over you. ” I didn’t want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.” – Elizabeth

-”Don’t tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.” – Elizabeth

- “Are you going to see about birth control now.  We don’t want to have another scare like that again.” -Anonymous.  Just, really?

- Pretending like it didn’t happen. Whether it’s been a while, you don’t know what to say, or you truly don’t understand why she’s feeling so sad…don’t ignore it and pretend it’s not there.  That it didn’t happen.  A hug and “I’m so sorry” are sometimes the biggest things you can do.

- Don’t expect a response. If you call or email or text and don’t hear anything back, don’t feel insulted.  From personal experience, I can say that with me, it’s just trying to get through each moment.  I read and hear everything, and your words help me, I’m just not in a place where I can respond to most of it.

-Don’t be upset if she doesn’t want to talk to you.  I know I haven’t wanted to talk too much about things.  Not yet.  Talking makes me cry.  I can blog a post and set it out for people to see (that’s me) but I can’t talk about it much yet.  I may never much.  I don’t know.  It helps so much to know people love me enough to listen should I need it, though. 

Life is messy.  I’m pretty sure I have said some of these things to a friend or two.  Heck, I say wrong things all the time with only the best intentions.  And, some of the things that would be okay with others, aren’t with me or vice versa.  It’s not really a science.  So, if you have said some of these things on the “steer clear” list, don’t beat yourself up.  (Unless it was way out of line like the birth control statement, then you should consider apologizing.)  The idea behind this list is to serve others who search for it, who want to know what they can do for someone they love.  It is NOT meant as a judging card.  Please don’t use it as such.

If you have anything to add, please list it.  What helped you, what made you feel worse?

And, if you’re just checking on me.  Thanks.

The spotting has increased – and is no longer an unassuming unobtrusive light brown.  Light contractions and a dull ache has made it’s presence known.  Or lack of, whichever.

My hcg levels came back – 496.  Progesterone, 2.6.  That’s really low.  On both accounts.

Granted, my God is a mighty God, an awesome God – and true, miracles are always possible.  I’m just not banking on my situation being one of them.

496 is a level consistent with anywhere between 1 and 3 weeks pregnancy (says my doctor’s nurse practitioner).  I’m supposed to be at 6.  And, while the numbers could have been swaggered a bit, possibly leaving me at 5 weeks…there’s no way to move it back as far as 3.  Unless everything was just hanging out together, yet not, for a while (the actual fertilization can take up to a little over a week.  CAN.  Two or more weeks would be very unlikely.  Possible, I guess, but in a tiny not so much sort of way.)

Then, of course, the bleeding…which says a lot on its own.

So, there we go.  It’s over.

And yet, it’s not.

Today wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I’d held the magical pee wand only a week ago, it’s dark pink lines sending surges of joy through my heart.  And, according to some quick calculations on Babycenter, I was a good 6 weeks and 1 day today.  and being the neurotic person I am, I decided to do some research in my pregnancy journals.

With both girls, I was incredibly sick (those of you who have history with me on here…or stalk my archives (whichever) know this… in great gory detail.  I’m good like that.).  So, I was naturally curious as to when I could expect to start vomiting up my grocery funds.  Then, curiosity led way to wonder – since, according to the journals I should already be sick.  But, wait!  Maybe it’s a boy!  The magic Chinese Gender Chart says it’s a boy, so why not?  Maybe I just don’t get sick with boys.  Oh, heck to the yeah!

But, then there were the slight cramps…and the bit of light brown spotting (not much), but it’s enough to make me just want to know there’s a heartbeat.  To know everything is going okay in there.

So, long story short…I went in for an “official” pee test.  It was positive.  Obviously.  Only, the line was incredibly faint, where it had been much darker on mine.  And, after asking about the quality of the tests, I was informed that those tests were STELLAR, better than mine.   – Which only leaves one to question: Have my levels dropped THAT dramatically?

After the pee test, came the first ultrasound.  There was nothing to be found.  That ultrasound beget another ultrasound from a different office – which also found nothing.  No heartbeat.  No sac.  No baby.  Nothing.

I’m supposed to be 6 weeks pregnant, but there’s nothing there.

In the same sentence, I was told not to give up all hope yet and not to have high hopes.

I don’t know how to do that.

Because for me, this isn’t a set of multiplying cells.  This is my baby.  And I want it.

NOTES:

-My blood was drawn for hcg levels.  Must go back in 48 hours for round 2 of Ashley The PinCushion.  (I’m actually looking forward to it.)

-I may be: miscarrying, have a blighted ovum, chemical pregnancy, naughty baby that’s hiding from the ultrasound wand (it does look scary), earlier in my pregnancy than we thought due to miscalculations OR fertilization didn’t happen right away.

I’d really appreciate your prayers.  I’m going to go take another pregnancy test (same brand I used when I first find out) to go compare line darkness because, yes, I am that neurotic.  AND, because I can’t not do nothing.  I figure if it’s just as dark as my other one, it means that my levels haven’t plummeted THAT low (as suggested by the “official pee stick”) and maybe then I can sleep tonight.

I have this ball of emotions and incoherent thoughts rumbling through my body, ready to take me captive at the first sign of weakness. And, for the most part, I really don’t want to pick through them to be able to write, to record. I don’t want to remember this. I don’t want to feel this. But, what’s “healthy” versus what I feel like doing, are probably two completely different things.

So, instead…here’s my burst of anger. My venting.

(PS – If you don’t like real…or if you tend to think things are about YOU, you should probably turn back now. As in, stop reading. I’ll try to follow this post up with cute and cuddly puppies that fart rainbows and skittles.)

Wednesday, I started bleeding. Thursday, I couldn’t get out of the bed because it was so heavy and the amount of cramping and nausea completely took over. Friday, the same. Saturday, I ventured out for a few hours but then found out quickly that it was way too soon to stand up for more than 3 hours. Sunday, the same.

It’s hard to think about what could’ve been, what might’ve been.

And, I’m dealing. The best way I know how. Which, might be at this point to just not deal.

For several days, I didn’t really mention anything except to my husband and mom and a couple of friends for advice as to whether I’d need to take a next step or if my body would take care of things on it’s own. I didn’t know what I thought or felt, beyond the ball of emotions and thoughts. I didn’t want to join some special club with special handshakes and secret forums. I didn’t want to face the possibility of insensitive comments.

I am not in need of a sermon. I don’t think I’m being paid in full for sins I’ve committed past. I don’t feel abandoned by God. I don’t blame God, possibly myself, but not God.

I also realize that I do have two beautiful children and that I am blessed. I know all things can be used for His glory.

I know this isn’t the end of things.

I know I’m not the only one. I also know that some women struggle with this on a more than occasional basis. But, this is new to me. And, no matter how many times it may happen in the future, I really doubt it’ll ever cease being “new” each time. So, no, I can’t talk about symptoms or steps as if it were seasonal allergies.

And lastly, this post isn’t about any of you. It’s about me. It’s about me feeling a little broken right now and being unable to “handle” it – possibly because there’s nothing really to “handle” or “control.” I don’t know.

There, I talked about it.

Yesterday, I posted a temperament test…what were your results?

I scored:

57 choleric
34 phlegmatic
50 melancholy
53 sanguine

The LaHayes say that you can be a combination of temperaments as well.  It’s rare that people score evenly in all 4, though.  (Keep in mind that your temperament is what you’re born with, you can learn to behave in other ways.)

So, that makes me a choleric sanguine melancholic.

Below, I’m listing what each means (in a nutshell):

ROCKY CHOLERIC

independent unpopular   cruel

have goals think they are perfect  won’t give up a fight

know how they want problems solved cold    demand loyalty from ranks

decisive – know whats righ and wrong. unemotional   has little needs for friends

organizer – run things well. domineering   is usually right

visionary unforgiving   must correct wrongs

strict with kids – know what they expect   angry    compulsive need for change

Flip Philegmatic

peace makers         unmotivated

quiet          procrastinator

don’t express selves or give info unless asked.    undecisive

perfectionist         selfish (stingy)

control their anger well       fearful

calm in tense situation – mediate & settle arguments    worrier

important to them that everyone “feels” food    dampens enthusiasum

effiicient         would rather watch or do behind the sceens work

subtle humor         clean up after everyone goes home

quietly observe situations       Finds the easy way out

good listeners – good interpersonal skills     keeps emotions hidden

Maestro Melancholy

gifted praise children sparingly

self sacrificing        moody

help others         self-centered (can be)

thoughtful         critical of others (and myself)

behind the scenes worker negative

like to see others succeed       deep need for approval

like quiet away from people hold back affection

faithful         carry resentment for years

devoted insecure socially

industrious         suspicious of people
Example:  worry and worry about bills

Sparky Sanguine

entertainer undependable

outgoing fickle about friends (I tend to go hard and fast into relationships but get disappointed easily.)

responsive         forgetful (which is why I make LISTS!)

warm undisciplined

friendly         emotionally unstable ( I have definite cycles of ups and downs)

compassionate un productive

doesn’t hold grudges        egostistical

feelings don’t get hurt       exaggerate (I can also stick to the details, but exaggerate to make the stories more amusing)

life of the party        compulsive talkers

fun at home decide with feelings not head

creative hates to be alone

So, is it true?  Maybe.  These lists don’t go into as much depth as the book does, but I can see where there is some definite truth.  This test just kind of reminds me where I am and where I WANT to be and the things I need to work on and let the Holy Spirit change in me.

I’m creative and love painting and crafts but I’m definitely not the type that can “feel” the music and play from my heart (although I can paint from my heart, which may have been self taught).  I like well disciplined children (but happy kids…and no, I don’t really have all of the answers on how to get there.)  I like to talk but when I’m working, I generally dive into my work and get the job done.  I’m analytical and pay attention to details.  I think a WHOLE lot, more than I should.  I am definitely emotional and moody – it goes in cycles.  I have a hard time reading sad books, especially when I’m in a “low” point.  I can cry about a book about someone with cancer for a month (and wonder if my kids have cancer every time I see dark circles under their eyes).  I worry more than I should, but I KNOW this so don’t take myself too seriously.  I love easily but then I hold grudges once i’m crossed.  I’m generally happy MOST of the time and laugh loudly.  I enjoy people but I enjoy my quiet too. I WANT to be organized and LOVE organization but it’s work for me.  I am happiest when my life is comfortably organized (but not stuffy and cold), but you couldn’t tell if you looked at my room, it looks like something exploded.  –Which is equally my and my husband’s part.  I love designing things but like close to instant gratification…so, I will probably never finish a large knitting project.  I’d prefer to sew or use my hands and glue.  (It doesn’t have to be the WHOLE project, but I have to see SOMETHING)  I love friends and family and am definitely critical.  But, I am also critical of myself.  I try to understand people and sometimes I get really really impatient with people BUT choose to love them.  (I also get impatient with MYSELF, so it doesn’t come from a “I’m perfect” sort of view.)  People who think they are perfect drive me nuts and make me want to deflate their heads.  I used to argue more than I do now.  I’m usually right, but only because I will carefully analyze situations and problems and then form an answer only if I’m SURE.  I won’t argue if I don’t know, generally.  And, when I am wrong, I’m one of the first to admit it.  I am stubborn.  I get angry fairly easily – something I’m working on.  I CAN be impulsive, but have learned to back off and think on it before acting.  I both hate and love change.  I like it when I’m in control of it (rather than when it just happens to me).  For example, moving because I choose to is different from moving because you have to.  I try to make the best of situations and I choose to see God working in everything.  I have a level of self confidence, but there are also many things that I’m not confident about…then, there are other things I don’t care about.  I love to love people and never say it if I don’t mean it.  I choose my words carefully and generally mean what I say.  I know how to play the stupid mind games (and am fairly good at them when forced into the situation), but I PREFER open honesty (nice honesty, nonetheless)…but I like transparency (case in point: my blog).  I appreciate relationships but if I feel like someone has hurt me or is going to, I start putting up the walls and back away really really quickly.  I have a sense of humor (a weird one as it may be), but am sensitive to constant “jabs.”  I don’t think it’s very funny to constantly poke at someone.  I love to dream and I love the challenge of making those come true.  I work well with goals and am really good about sticking with them. I used to have to have everything very scheduled out, but I’ve become more relaxed in that and have grown to prefer having some things scheduled and others just taken as they come.  For example, for a vacation I’d have one or two things I’d like to do each day and then just a list of “options” that we can choose as we go.

ONE

A couple of weekends ago, we visited some friends out of town.  While we were there, we were able to experience two different groups of married couples.  Each group was…well, it’s hard to explain, it was unlike anything Steven and I had really encountered before.  It was a group of people from different churches, all couples coming together to celebrate God and their marriages.  Each couple shared their difficulties and their triumphs.  But, the most amazing part was the depth of the things that were being shared, and the accountability that followed.

And, we were inspired.

“How do we do this…at home?”  We asked.  After a lot of discussion, we realized it might be near impossible at home to implement such a group with such security and commitment quickly, and we seriously entertained the idea of moving CLOSER to that group, just so we could have that for ourselves.

For those of you that know us, you would know Steven and I have had a really difficult go at the last (and first) 5 years of our marriage.  It’s been rough, beyond rough.  There have been times when counselors, marriage therapists, and even peers have told us that there was just no way, that the problem was too big.  I kept looking everywhere for answers.  I searched the internet and found a group of people who had gone – and were going through – some of the same things I was.  It put a “name” with some of the “symptoms of the problems”.  I scrolled down, reading each post, tears sliding down my cheeks as I could relate to each and every one.  I had found it.  This would be my answer!  This would tell me what to do!  But, it didn’t.

Instead, it told me the same thing almost everyone else had: Somethings never change.  Better to cut your losses now.  And, on some level…I found myself agreeing.

But, one thing held me back.  I KNEW God had brought us together.  Without a doubt.  And, to give up would mean that I’d be doubting my God and facing the possibility that He’d paired me with the wrong man.

Not ONCE did I seriously take into consideration praying for my husband.  Sure, there were a couple of women who had suggested it to me, but they were also living lives completely different than mine – they believed wives were almost inferior to their husbands, that a man could even HIT them, and they must stay.  So, I didn’t take them seriously.

Now, I can tell you our marriage has changed much.  Sure, we still deal with the aftermath of 5 years worth of storms, but we’re piecing things together, we’re healing.

What changed?

One day, God told me something.  He told me that one day, I would come back to that message board I had found and I would be a voice of hope.  I would be able to give Glory To God for a repaired marriage that no man could fix.  What changed was that at some point, I realized that God needed to be invited back into our marriage because I COULDN’T FIX THIS.  BECAUSE OUR MARRIAGE WOULD FAIL WITHOUT HIM IN IT.  –THAT, NO AMOUNT OF “SELF -HELP” WOULD FIX THINGS.  ONLY, GOD-HELP.

With that realization, both Steven and I have found a desire in our hearts to help other people in their marriages.  First, we thought about a Bible Study for married couples…or, a class…but, neither of us felt like we could do it any justice.  After all, our marriage is still far from perfect.  Better…recovering…but so much work left to do!

Then, after deciding that even these small groups would be near-impossible to recreate without YEARS of relationships, God spoke.

He gave me the details:
-8 couples ONLY
-No children allowed in the room
-One night a week, to begin each time with a meal
-Young AND older couples

I tried to brush it away, knowing that most of the people I know would either be too uncomfortable or too busy to want to really commit.  Finding 8 couples would be like trying to find 16 people who would joyously allow me to pull their teeth.  This group would be about making changes in their marriages.  It would be at times difficult and possibly even, embarrassing.  It would require strangers to commit themselves before each other and God to their spouses, God, and each other.  This wasn’t like asking a bunch of people over to play wii and eat free food (much easier to do).  It would mean that we would be truly accountable to each other and ask each other the difficult questions and give difficult answers.

AND, to top it off…who are we to lead a group based on marriage?   – Couldn’t it be on something else?

And then, He told me that I had it all wrong.  My job was simply to invite the people, He would get them to come (those that were supposed to).  And, my job was NOT to lead the group, just set it up…HE would lead it.

So, I listened.  I began inviting people.  And within a few hours, a group was formed.  I thought it would take forever to get it going, and now I’m fearing we’ll have to tell people we’re full!  We have only a few more openings left, but I think that has more to do with hearts being in the process of being molded.  I invited those I was told to and the rest?  Will be up to Him.

God is amazing!

TWO

In the past couple of weeks, Lorelei’s attitude seemed to have gotten crazy.  Whining, back talk, issues in obedience, ignoring…all of it.  My sweet little girl seemed to have suddenly gone a little wild.  My anxiety began mounting, going through the roof.  Then, a friend mentioned a book.

I don’t think it was a coincidence at all.  A God-incident maybe.

To Train Up A Child is the book, and while I don’t necessarily agree with everything it outlines, we’ve adapted our own parenting style and beliefs and have adopted those.  In less than 30 minutes, there was a difference!

I read that “popping” a child on the behind with your hand can misalign the child’s spine – regardless if there is a padded diaper.  It’s the impact.  So, we stopped using that.  Instead, we have begun smacking her hand, but the real difference is that INSTEAD OF WAITING UNTIL I’M TO MY BOILING POINT, I “TRAIN” HER WITH EVERY INFRACTION, NO MATTER HOW SEEMINGLY INSIGNIFICANT.  Before, I would let certain things go.  I would follow through if I said she’d receive some form of correction, but I was afraid that punishing her for  every  little infraction made me impatient, that it made me a bad mommy.  What I didn’t realize was that by letting her to even the tiniest little things, I was letting rebellion breed in her little heart.  Granted, most of her “rebellion” is pretty small stuff…nothing hateful.

The book that I’m reading is a very rod-oriented book, and while I am not comfortable using a “switch” or a belt on my sweet 2 year old, we will have to incorporate something extra for when the hateful acts begin (IF they do). But, I was thinking more…fly-swatter.  I’m praying that will work.  And while I have trouble with a few parts of the book, there was one thing amazing Pearl mentioned – that it’s SO important to break their (defiant/stubborn/rebellious) WILL, but NOT their HEARTS.  In practice, that means they have to know how to behave, know to obey, but that you don’t spank and spank them into submission without loving them.  It doesn’t mean you beat your kids so they’ll fear your word, it means you train them (even if it means a little discomfort) so they can hopefully bypass a lot of potential misery and pain. It means you do it calmly, never when angry. It means you take the time to get to know them and develop a relationship with them.  And, it means…you know when and where to stop.

For us, the “hand spank” as we call it is working awesomely.  Lala has begun to realize that if she chooses to break the rules, there will be a consequence.  The thing that surprises me most, though,is that I am less stressed and training her MORE means less discipline for her.  She knows that any rebellion at all will lead to the same thing, and she’s calmed down.

And, the hugs she gives me (even right afterwards) lets me know we’re on the right track.