Dear Ashley,

I have a family member who is a manipulator. I’ve known this for a very long time, yet I continue to expose myself to them. I feel like I’m simply torturing myself with continued involvement, but there’s no real way to “cut the string.” Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this?

Sincerely,
Puppet on a String

Dear Puppet on a String,

Sometimes it’s really hard to have a family member that’s a manipulator – you wrestle with cutting them out and then, just cutting them.  But, if “cutting the string” isn’t an option, I’m going to say you have two choices:

-You can allow yourself to be the puppet.

OR

-You can choose to not be the puppet.

Everything you do and say should revolve around whichever choice you choose.  And, because everything is SO much more complicated in real life, I’ll give you an example of what each looks like.  (I don’t necessarily recommend the following verbage in your situation.)

BEING THE PUPPET:

Manipulative sister:  Gosh, I really appreciate you letting me stay on your couch for the next month.  Does it fold out into a bed?  No?  Well, I really hope it doesn’t mess up my neck.  I have a really bad neck.  If it messes up my neck, I won’t be able to find a new job and I’ll probably be stuck here for a while.  Can you imagine me having to be stuck with you for another 6 months because I can’t work?  And, my feet are so much longer than yours.  You are small and fit okay on the couch, it’s different for you.  I wouldn’t expect you to understand.

Puppet:  *Sigh*  Why don’t you just take my bed?  (While trying to remind yourself it’s JUST one month.  Except you know you’re kidding yourself even there.)

Wasn’t that fun?  Yeh, not really.  But, maybe some people LIKE being puppets, and I guess that’s okay for them.

NOT BEING THE PUPPET:

Manipulative sister:  Gosh, I really appreciate you letting me stay on your couch for the next month.  Does it fold out into a bed?  No?  Well, I really hope it doesn’t mess up my neck.  I have a really bad neck.  If it messes up my neck, I won’t be able to find a new job and I’ll probably be stuck here for a while.  Can you imagine me having to be stuck with you for another 6 months because I can’t work?  And, my feet are so much longer than yours.  You are small and fit okay on the couch, it’s different for you.  I wouldn’t expect you to understand.

Non Puppet:  Gosh, I bet you’ll be super glad then when you move into your own apartment so you can sleep in your own bed, right?  I sure hope it doesn’t mess up your neck, but you know, maybe that pain will help you remember that you REALLY want that shiny new apartment of your own.  And, of COURSE I wouldn’t make you sleep on the couch!!  There’s always the floor!  (And then you walk away, QUICKLY and lock your bedroom door before she can do any more voodoo magic.)

…….

To sum things up…you have to choose:  To be a puppet or not to be a puppet.  Then, you have to make your actions and words reflect that decision, no matter ho hard that is and no matter how hard your family member is at voodoo talk (getting you to do whatever they want).  Because in the end, you get to choose how much you allow.

Also, a few other tips:

-Don’t ever assume that a “tiger can’t change it’s stripes.”  Because while THEY can’t, a person can.  IF they want to.  Just don’t believe it happens overnight…or on roadtrips.
-Small doses.  Most likely, you’ll still be around this person if they’re family.  So, keep it in small doses.  Don’t make plans to move to Antartica for the summer with them and definitely don’t go in on any purchases with them.  Just, trust me on that, okay?
-Resist the urge to stab.  Regardless of how stabby they make you feel, don’t do it!!  I am, however, pretty sure Jesus would find some small pranks quite entertaining.
-Don’t bother talking it out.  You know the whole “I feel ….when….because” sentence structure you learned way back when for handling issues?  Yeh, it doesn’t work against verbal voodoo.  These people first and foremost care about themselves…everything else is filtered through that (they care about you…but everything they feel is filtered through the ME lene).

Love,

Ashley

Welcome back!

Dear Ashley,

I just found out that one of my friends has been saying things behind my back.  I’m angry and I feel so depressed now.  I really thought we were friends, and now I’m questioning this relationship with others as well.  Part of me just wants to disappear and the other part…well, it’s thinking not very nice things.

Sincerely,

Stabbed In The Back

Dear Stabbed In The Back,

I understand the feeling.  Actually, I think most of us have been there and done that.  Unfortunately, it comes with the territory of the whole being-human-and-talking-to-people thing.  Disappearing won’t really change that, and I doubt it’ll make you feel much better – unless of course you plan to disappear to Hawaii – but, you’d still have to deal with the betrayal at some point (even if it’s just in your head or in future friendships).  And, the non-nice thoughts?  It’s probably natural.  (I say probably because for all I know you just cleaned out your freezer and stole a body bag –which is not normal.  Okay?)  But, you have a few choices on how to handle this:

1.  You can do nothing.  Except, we both know that by “nothing,” we mean mull-it-over-in-your-head-until-you-can’t-cry-anymore-and-can-barely-function-because-of-the-mulling.  You can be mad and depressed and sad all you want, but really?  It’s just going to fester and bubble inside of YOU.  Not them.

2.  You can talk to the person.  You can confront the person, let them know that you “know” and give themselves a chance to explain themselves.  Then, you can explain the truth and how their actions have considerably hurt your feelings.

3.  You can seek vengeance.  I’ll let you in on a little secret, though.  Vengeance rarely ends well.  Like, never, actually.

I recommend #2.  I also recommend praying about the person.  Realize that we are all broken people and try to give this person the benefit of the doubt, at least until you talk to them.  I mean, they may have said or done whatever because they had a rough day, were hurting, had bad information, or maybe what they said or did was stretched (you know, like the game “telephone” where you have a string of people and one person starts with a word and by the time it reaches the end, the word has changed 50 times?)  You never know.  But, in the meantime, I’d be careful what you say and do in their presence, because a false friend is the worst kind of enemy of all.

Much love,

Bosssanders