You know how when your plate is full and hard enough to carry as it is and then little things keep getting added and you feel like abandoning the entire plate (which is your entire life) all-together?  But, you can’t actually because …it’s your life.  And, you know how it makes you just sob nonstop and you start feeling all stabby (mostly in your thoughts) when you have to deal with fake people and their syrupy smiles and rude obnoxious people…so you stop going out in public?  You’re angry with yourself because really, it’s time to get over this…even YOU are getting tired of hearing and seeing yourself all blue and sad and pathetic.  And you know how you start avoiding people because you know they’ll ask how you’ve been (without really wanting the full answer) and you know that as soon as you do, it’s very likely that you’ll just break down into a heap on the floor?  And, although you normally wouldn’t tell them, you will because you feel so darn broken and…they asked?  And then there’s the friends you thought were your friends, thought knew you, but they don’t even notice?  And you feel dumb for expecting people to have ESP but then again, you’re trapped in your own head?  You hate the idea of antidepressants but you also know if someone put them in front of you, you’d eat em like candy, just hoping it would chase away some of the darkness?  And, you’re all angry at God but you love HIm too?  You feel lost and you see all of these “happy” people and you wonder what the hell you did so wrong to keep getting the short end of the straw?  –And then you start wondering if maybe this was all His plan?  And that makes you … well…I don’t know.

I feel like a 15 year old EMO kid – except I’m on my own and my happily ever after turned out to be one of my worst nightmares.  So, I’m locking myself in my proverbial “room” and functioning on autopilot.

I’m trying to find “happy” but keep finding the dead-end detours, instead.

Welcome back!