Dear Lorelei,

You are three, now. Wow, it feels so weird saying that. It seems like just yesterday I was holding you all brand new in a hospital room.

You’re teaching us so much every day, and we love you dearly.

You’ve used your imagination since you were only a few months old (with Peter Pan food), but now, you’re just bursting with magic and mystery. You love to play with dolls and make up stories. You adore singing and dancing, so much so, that I can’t believe we haven’t gotten you your own ipod (or at least a dock with speakers so we could plug ours in for you to listen to).

Some of your favorite things right now are: Singing (Jesus Loves Me, Jesus Loves All The Little Children, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star), Playing with your Little People and Barbies, playing with your little sister (who also likes to dance), making music, crafts (oh, how you love crafts), the park, cupcakes, playing on your toy slide on the porch and your water table, our homeschool lessons, dress up, science experiment kits, chicken nuggets, and macaroni and cheese.

Getting you to sit down long enough to eat can be a bit of a task, although you’re always saying you’re hungry. –Especially when it comes to nap or bedtime You really don’t love naptime or going to bed, you think you’ll miss out on so much.

When you were a baby, I was so worried that I didn’t talk to you enough. The books and magazines I read insisted that I should be describing in detail our entire day play by play to you, as it happened. But, constant talking and noise just isn’t in my personality. I would talk to you, but often, we’d find ourselves just playing quietly, me caught up in just enjoying you. Today, you don’t seem to have been affected by it. Actually, you don’t STOP talking most days. Now, you want to know EVERYTHING that’s going on, and in order. Then, you’ll ask EVERYONE else around what’s going on to see if our “story” matches. Your conversations go on and on, most of the time repeating the same thing 5 or 6 times before moving on.

You adore your blankie still, and use your thumb to soothe yourself – but, mostly just around nap or bed-time…or, if you’re upset.

You’re changing, sweet girl, and I am enjoying watching you slowly morph into who God will ultimately shape you into being. Right now, you are practicing your independence. You’re working through emotions and how to handle them – especially, disappointment and anger. We’re trying to teach you (and learn, ourselves) how to be more graceful in our responses.

Finally, you are out of diapers. It was your choice. You really just wanted a barbie doll. So, we made a deal: potty 3 times that day and you would get your own. After that, you pottied for prizes (the “extras” that came with the doll and stickers and tiny candies) for about a week until you had it down. Now, you don’t really get “prizes,” but you get pretty upset if you have an accident. Right now, we’re working on night training. You have the hang of it, it’s just being able to wake up, that has you working.

I love watching you get so excited about the prospect of being a “big” girl – from pottying and making your own snack to helping mommy and daddy. I love your heart, I love your soul. I love you. All of you.

Love,

Mommy

(and some new pics created by the fabulous Emilee!)

**Lorelei officially turned THREE earlier this month.

Welcome back!

I thought it’d be fun for Lorelei to have a pen pal – but, was a little hesitant to sign us up for someone across the U.S., who may or may not be who they say they are.  She loves receiving mail (but rarely does) so I thought this would be a fun way to encourage early reading, writing, conversation skills, geography, patience, and a host of other things.  Fortunately, my husband and I have met a lot of other parents – many of them with children.
So, Lorelei has a pen pal – 2, actually.  Below, is her first letter.  (My handwriting, but she told me what to write.  Artwork is hers.)

As I sit here, nestled into the corner of my porch swing with a glass of iced raspberry tea, I imagine what I hope my life to look like in the next few years as we scramble to “start over” in so many ways.

Images float through my consciousness to the tinkling of wind chimes in the background.  I imagine a charming white home, filled with unique little touches that would leave no need for a name plaque, because it would so obviously be ours.  I imagine a collection of acreage, gently rolling with lush shades of green and speckled with wildflowers, gently dancing in the breeze.  I imagine a handful of chickens, maybe a few goats, and a few other random “farm” animals.  I imagine a small garden, lush with color and a basket at the edge filled with pickings for that night’s dinner.  I imagine a swing hanging from a tree nearby, where the girls are laughing and giggling as we try our best to swing them “Higher, higher!”  I imagine a garden tub where I can escape to worlds of fantasy in my very own thoughts while Steven works on a website that’s been gnawing at his imagination.

I imagine.

But, then I pause and wonder if that’s all it is.  I wonder if I’ll have a place to call my own again, or if our chance has already come and gone.

Recently, while browsing a website, I came across a book titled Be Your Own House Contractor by Carl Heldmann.  They offered to send me a copy to review, and after pondering the idea for a moment, I took it.  I realized that while the book may not be anything I’d use in the near future (unless I can construct a house with a hot glue gun and some lace), it would definitely appeal to a wide range of readers.

I thumb through the pages again and again, and suddenly the dream of my own home doesn’t feel so far away any more.

According to this book, you can save 25% on the cost of a house without lifting a hammer.  (Okay, now you have my attention.  Have you SEEN my nail-driving attempts?  Not pretty.)

In Be Your Own House Contractor, Carl Heldmann takes you through the steps, step-by-step – From where to start to financing to finding your suppliers.  It makes me excited again.  It’s an easy read – no technicalities that non-construction folk wouldn’t understand.  And, while it doesn’t go into detail with house plans, it DOES offer diagrams and lists and other resources that would definitely come in handy.  I love that it offers advice, things to look for, when hiring subcontractors so you can avoid being hoodwinked.  It’s always good to have an idea of what’s going on, even when you don’t know EXACTLY what’s going on.

I’ve seen the books that promise to tell you how to build your own home on a dime.  And, for obvious reasons, I find myself being drawn to those books, but they loose me soon after the front page so often.  Many times, they are filled with information in a language that seems like if you can understand the language, you probably didn’t need the book in the first place!  This book, though, it doesn’t stress me out.

No, it makes me just want to kick my feet up and keep dreaming of the possibilities…

For Aurora, I wanted a bubble dress but was running out of fabric…so I improvised!  Here’s my “baby’s bubble dress.”

It’s basically 2 pieces.  The first piece, the chest piece, was a rectangle (see the other tutorial for Lorelei’s bubble dress) but instead of being 4 1/2 inches, I made it 9 inches wide. Then, I sewed it in half just like before.  The difference, however, is that instead of arm straps, I just added some elastic on top.

The body piece was made in exactly the same fashion as Lorelei’s dress.  Just, different measurements to fit the baby.

I might add some ribbon to the front for a halter strap, but I’m not sure if I’m down with the potential CHOKING HAZARD!  So, we’ll see.  I may add SOMETHING to just kind of dress it up later, or I may wait till she is big enough to wear it as a shirt and not try to eat everything.   I can tell you, though, this is the perfect outfit for quick changes!

Yesterday, I made the girls bubble dresses.  They’re even cuter ON, but I don’t have a photo of her in it just yet.

So, the tutorial:

Basically, you’ll need to measure your kiddo over her arms/shoulders to figure out what the measurement for the straps will be.  Then, after you’ve figured out what length you’ll need for straps, you need to cut those out with a 4 1/2 inch width.  (You’ll fold them in half, plus you’re allowing for a seam.)  SO, 2 rectangles 4 1/2 in x ?? for arm straps.

Then, you will need a chest piece – which is another rectangular strip 4 1/2 inches “wide” – or long, depending on how you want to look at it.  You’ll have to measure your kiddo again for this one.  Have her raise her arms a bit and then use tape or fabric to measure her.  Add a couple of inches to that because we won’t be using buttons or zippers, so she’ll need to be able to slip it all over her head.  I actually left plenty of room and then cut off what I didn’t need later on.

The third piece of fabric is the “body piece.”  It needs to be 2x as “long/wide” as the chest piece.  We’re going to “ruffle it,” so that’s why you need the extra to fit around her body.  You can make the length whatever you want.  Lorelei’s was made to hit her right under her knees.

NOW, fold the straps and chest piece inside out in half.  Sew a seam along the long edge.  Turn them right side out.  For mine, I wanted the seam to be unseen, so I centered my seam on the backside and then sewed the ends of each piece so they wouldn’t fray.  You can do this however you want.  Heck, if you’re feeling frisky, you can even iron them!

Next, I held the chest piece to Lorelei and positioned the arm straps how I wanted them and pinned them.  Then, I sewed the arm straps to the chest piece by running a seam from one end of the chest piece to the other, keeping the strap ends to the inside of the chest piece.

The body piece is the simplest part in my opinion (no trying to get a toddler to stand still).  I folded down the top edge so there were no raw edges and sewed across.  I did the same along the bottom, but allowed for elastic to go through on the bottom.  Then, I went back to the top of the body piece and sewed a line across with the loosest stitch I could (to make my ruffle).  Next, I pulled the bottom thread on each side and used my free hand to gather up the fabric into a ruffle!  Once I had it to the right length, I just pinned it to the chest piece and sewed it on.

For the elastic, I cut a piece long enough that could fit over her shoulders.  I fed it through the bottom of the “body piece” through the seam edge I made earlier.  Then, I made small stitches on each end to keep the elastic from moving.

Last (you’re almost done!), turn the whole thing inside out again and sew up the back!

Voila!  A bubble dress!

These are fun for summer and easy breezy (for them, too!  –Especially great for potty training!).

Note:  For my “body” piece for Lorelei, I only had 1 1/2 times the length as the chest piece (not 2x) and it worked just fine.  It wasn’t as “ruffled,” but don’t feel like you can’t alter these without totally screwing them up.  They’re so forgiving!

I have this ball of emotions and incoherent thoughts rumbling through my body, ready to take me captive at the first sign of weakness. And, for the most part, I really don’t want to pick through them to be able to write, to record. I don’t want to remember this. I don’t want to feel this. But, what’s “healthy” versus what I feel like doing, are probably two completely different things.

So, instead…here’s my burst of anger. My venting.

(PS – If you don’t like real…or if you tend to think things are about YOU, you should probably turn back now. As in, stop reading. I’ll try to follow this post up with cute and cuddly puppies that fart rainbows and skittles.)

Wednesday, I started bleeding. Thursday, I couldn’t get out of the bed because it was so heavy and the amount of cramping and nausea completely took over. Friday, the same. Saturday, I ventured out for a few hours but then found out quickly that it was way too soon to stand up for more than 3 hours. Sunday, the same.

It’s hard to think about what could’ve been, what might’ve been.

And, I’m dealing. The best way I know how. Which, might be at this point to just not deal.

For several days, I didn’t really mention anything except to my husband and mom and a couple of friends for advice as to whether I’d need to take a next step or if my body would take care of things on it’s own. I didn’t know what I thought or felt, beyond the ball of emotions and thoughts. I didn’t want to join some special club with special handshakes and secret forums. I didn’t want to face the possibility of insensitive comments.

I am not in need of a sermon. I don’t think I’m being paid in full for sins I’ve committed past. I don’t feel abandoned by God. I don’t blame God, possibly myself, but not God.

I also realize that I do have two beautiful children and that I am blessed. I know all things can be used for His glory.

I know this isn’t the end of things.

I know I’m not the only one. I also know that some women struggle with this on a more than occasional basis. But, this is new to me. And, no matter how many times it may happen in the future, I really doubt it’ll ever cease being “new” each time. So, no, I can’t talk about symptoms or steps as if it were seasonal allergies.

And lastly, this post isn’t about any of you. It’s about me. It’s about me feeling a little broken right now and being unable to “handle” it – possibly because there’s nothing really to “handle” or “control.” I don’t know.

There, I talked about it.

As we were sitting down, eating supper, Lorelei began telling her father about her day.

Lorelei:  “Mmhmm, and my husband Jango came over.”

Steven:  “Jango?  Your husband, Jango?  Have you had boys over here?”

Lorelei:  “Mmhmm.” (chewing her food)

Steven:  (He looks at me, I shrug.  I don’t have a clue what she’s talking about.)  “Do I need to beat him up?”

Me:  “Lorelei, what about Eli?  I thought you were marrying him?”

Lorelei:  (She thoughtfully nods her head, chewing another chicken nugget coated in ketchup.)  “Or, Day-e (Daley).”

Me:  “It’s okay, sweetie, you have lots of time to choose a husband and you only get to pick one.  You have lots of time to think it over.  And, so many boys.”

Lorelei:  (begins to stand up from the table, clearly interested)  “Where?”

Me:  “In the world,” I say, motioning with my hands.  “Not right outside, just…out there.  Plenty of boys, plenty of time.”

Lorelei:  “I know, mommy.”

Of course you do.  Of course.