Get intimate.

If your marriage is struggling, or you’re in the middle of a disagreement, intimacy may be the last thing on your mind.

“Why would I do that?” You may ask.

Well, because as a great friend of ours says, “Sex doesn’t fix everything, but it creates an atmosphere in which anything can be fixed.”

It’s true.

Plan a special night (or day) for your spouse.  Make it special, make it romantic.

If your spouse loves picnics and flowers, plan that.  If your spouse is a little more adventurous, plan for that.

They’ll appreciate the thought you put into things and the intimacy that you will share will help you both come together to tackle the other hard things in your marriage.

Welcome back!

I get it.

Sometimes, people can’t handle “different.” It makes them uncomfortable. It makes them fidget. It forces them to think, and that’s just scary for some.

I get it.

I want five children…and I’m really tired of hearing the CRAP.  It seems to only come from people who have 1-4 children and I. DON’T. GET. IT.  I KNOW it won’t be easy all of the time, I KNOW it won’t be SIMPLE, I KNOW it won’t always be fun – but, I’m not having children in the first place for my own simple selfish pleasures.  In fact, the idea of it being something selfish is pretty ludicrous to me – Get sick for 3 months straight each pregnancy (to the point of hospital stays), birth five babies with as little pain medicine as I can tolerate, be the target for endless vomit and poo, holding babies while they scream in my ear just to make them feel safe, give up my favorite activities so I can give my children what they need, spend money on diapers and things my kids want instead of the latest new gadget or tropical vacation, choose to stay with my children all day long instead of sending them to a school so I can teach them everything they need to learn.  No, it’s definitely not out of selfish reasons.

And, it’s extremely hurtful to hear someone tell me (or someone else) that they sure hope Steven and I aren’t pregnant right now.  Or, that we aren’t “allowed” to have any babies because of our “circumstances.”  Our CIRCUMSTANCES?  Which one?  The one where my husband has a job where he works hard, daily?  Or, is it the “circumstance” where we finally live among people and family that loves us that might bother you?  –Or, the fact that we are living plenty comfortably right now?  We won’t be asking for permission from a person when God says “It’s TIME,” I can assure you that.

Then, there’s the “discipline.”  If my disciplining MY (as in, not YOURS) child bothers you, then …imagine your kid, I guess.  I want my child to be respectful of others, I want to raise a child who doesn’t kick and hit other children, who is sensitive to other people. I want to raise a Godly child who loves, not torments, other kids.  I expect a child to respect property and not to paint on it, color on it, chew on it, poop on it, or to jump on it.  I expect my child to stop when I say “no” and not to be wild during quiet moments of prayer.  My child isn’t perfect, and perfection isn’t my goal but I know my child more than any other human on this planet.  I’m sorry if you don’t agree with my parenting or think I’m not doing a good enough job, and if you are a perfect parent, please do send me your resume – but, otherwise?  I don’t want your philosophies crammed down my throat unless I ASK for advice.

Lastly, I don’t care what YOU choose to do to your own body.  I won’t judge you, and it’s none of my business.  And, I mind my  own business when it comes to how you raise your own children and the things you allow or put into their environment, regardless of what I think or feel about it.  But, when it comes to my kids and my body, I expect to be respected.  More specifically, when it comes to lighting up around my children, I expect you to take it outside.  I understand it’s YOUR CHOICE.  Your body.  But, if it involves my body or my kids’ bodies, I expect YOU to respect us.  For the most part, we try really really hard to be accommodating, we try to not say much or to make much of a deal about things.  But, when it comes to this one thing, it’s not something we can just be quiet about.  I’m allergic to cigarette smoke.  I get mind-numbing headaches along with typical allergy symptoms that last for DAYS after the exposure.  My children have inherited this from me.  Besides the fact that it’s nasty and it stinks and it kills our insides, it affects us in a huge way in the moment.  Despite trying to scrub my the nicotine from children’s bodies, their eyes are swollen and red today and the baby’s nose won’t stop running and she won’t stop pulling at her ears.  Coincidence?  No, it happens every time.

I don’t expect for everyone to agree with everything I do.  I don’t expect everyone to jump onboard some metaphorical train.

But, a little respect and a little less condemnation would be pretty nice right now.

Practice fighting…fairly.

With your spouse, come up with a list of rules for fighting fairly.  Some really great ones to start with are:

1.  Deal with the HERE and NOW.  (Don’t bring up the past over and over again.) <—this one can be really hard!

2.  Use “I” statements.  I feel _______when___________because_________________________.  When you start a statement with “You make me feel…” , the other person automatically gets defensive and begins to close their heart.  With a closed heart, nothing can be accomplished.

3.  Listen and Hear.  Don’t be so caught up in YOURSELF that you forget to hear what your spouse is feeling too.

4.  Attack the issue, not the person.

5.  Limit your discussion/fight to no more than 30 minutes.  When your time is up, you have to move on.

6.  Don’t get too heated.  If you feel your blood boiling to the explosion point, call a time-out.  Have an understanding that you aren’t walking away from each other, then take 20 minutes and come back and resolve it.

7.  Don’t say EVERYTHING.  Honesty is GOOD.  But, saying everything you feel and think isn’t always.  Think about how it will affect the other person.  THIS DOES NOT MEAN LIE.  IT MEANS MONITOR YOUR FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS so as to not say hurtful things in the heat of the moment.

8.  Hold hands.  If you are holding hands while fighting, it’s hard to get too mad.

9.  Ask questions that clarify, not questions that judge.

10.  Realize that it is NOT a weakness to realize you were wrong and to apologize.  Make it okay to back down, for the other to change their mind.

11.  Argue quietly.  Don’t yell.

12.  Don’t say the words “always” or “never.”

13.  Don’t leave the premises.  If you need a break to cool off, take one, but don’t leave the premises.

14.  Don’t involve other people’s opinions.  The two of you need to get through this.  HOWEVER, occasionally an intervention may need to happen in extreme cases.  If you think this is one of those times, you should seek someone you trust who cares about your marriage and would have BOTH of your best interests at heart to confide in for an extra “view” on the situation.