Last night, as Lorelei was finishing up supper, I told her there was a surprise waiting for her outside….

L:  Prize outside?  For ME?  *excitement growing* From mommy?!

A:  Well, there’s a surprise outside, but it’s not really from me.  It’s from God, I just want to show you.

L:  Prize! Prize! *dancing around the room*

A: (as I open the door) Look, Lorelei!

L:  Where’s God?  I don’t see him!

A:  No, sis…the SNOW!!  God sent SNOW!  Isn’t that fun?

L:  Yeh, but where’s God, mama?

A:  Sweetie…you can’t SEE God.  He’s everywhere.

L:  He left?

A:  SNOW!!!  (unsure of how to answer a 2 year old’s questions that probe deep enough to make things confusing but not deep enough to understand)

L:  Mama, God left me?

A:  No baby, God will never leave you.  You just can’t see God. He’s here, He’s everywhere.

L:  I don’t see him… where?

A:  (Beginning to get frustrated that I can’t answer her so she can understand)  God lives in heaven…

L:  Where’s that?  I want to see heaven.

A: Me too, kiddo. Me too.

L:  Where it at?

A:  Well….um…

S: In the sky!

A:  Well, sort of.  Look, Lala, God lives in our hearts and God lives all around us, He’s EVERYWHERE.  Like, love. You love mommy and daddy and sissy but you can’t SEE love, right?  Well, it’s like that. Love is in your heart and so is God, it’s there…you just can’t see it.

L:  (immediately pulls up her shirt, inspecting her belly)  He’s in my TUMMY?!

A:  *sigh*

L:  No, mommy…God in my heart and heaven.

…………………………………………………………………

Then, before bed:

L:  Mommy, who’s the devil?

A:  Well, he’s a bad bad guy, sweetie.

L:  I love him too?

A:  No, we don’t love the devil. He’s the one guy that God doesn’t love either.  God is full of love and the devil is full of hate.  That’s bad.

L:  Oh…Is he in heaven too?

A:  No, hell.  The devil lives in hell.

L:  Where’s hell?

A: Well, I’m not sure WHERE it is, but it’s full of fire and sadness and madness.  It’s a bad place.

L:  Ohhh.  God in heaven and devil is in HELL!  Daddy, can you read me my Bible?

Welcome back!

Greet your spouse with love.

Today, when you see or talk to your spouse, focus on greeting them with love and respect.  Pay attention to your body language and your voice.

Say “I’m sorry.”

Think back over the past 30-60 days – is there anything you need to apologize for?

Were you harsh?  Have you been selfish with your time?  Thoughtless?  Did you do something you shouldn’t have?

Regardless of how “little” it may seem to you, apologize.

Is this numbness or resignation?

I can’t tell.

For the first time…in a really long time, I find myself sitting in a room full of people I’ve grown to love and respect, unable to say a word.  Thoughts firing through my brain, but I’m left with no energy to try to interject into the conversation or to actually “put it out there.”

For the first time in a long time, I’m keeping 90% of my thoughts to myself – good and bad.

For the first time in a long time, I have such low expectations from certain people that when they start being asshats, it’s just expected.

I’m not standing up for myself.  I’m rolling with the punches, even when I know in my head that I’m rolling the wrong way.

For the first time in a really really long time, analyzing my thoughts and feelings just makes me cringe, I’d rather bury it.

I’m fairly certain this isn’t “growth” – I just don’t know what it is.  And strangely enough (despite this blogpost), I’d rather just mix a drink and get lost in a book.

Make a list (or notebook) of things you love about your spouse.  Start with the goal of 100 things.  Don’t try to do it all at once, start with what comes easily to you and then pick the book/note up as things come to you.  (This would make a really great Valentine’s gift or … any other gift)

Plan a date night

Couples who don’t spend time doing things together, often find themselves growing apart.  So, plan to have a date night.  Just the two of you.

If you can’t even remember the last date night you had together, you can each make a list of your hobbies (try 10), and compare lists.   If your lists don’t match up, brainstorm some things you can do together to have fun.  (What did you used to do when you first met?)

Go to www.urbandictionary.com and define your spouse by their name.  (You can come up with definitions for names and submit them.)  –Be sure to use your real name so you get the credit for it later

Sometimes, I wonder if perhaps Joseph’s coat of many colors had anything to do with a toddler’s imagination and colored markers – or, dye in their case. I wonder if it was truly a gift or more of a “well, kid – I’m certainly not wearing that jacket, and you made it so here.”

Wonder if you can do the same thing with a couch? It might be a little cumbersome, but it’d definitely be warm…or could take the place of any future beds we would’ve bought her.

I’m not sure what it is exactly that makes a child go for a sofa or walls or television over yards of fresh paper but today, Lorelei drew me a beautiful picture. I’m not really sure what the picture was of – which may be due to the toddler’s drawing skills or that my eyes refused to focus that hard – all I know is that it covered 2 sections of my sectional sofa.

Immediately, I instructed my daughter (who hasn’t done this since she was a BABY) to sit down for a timeout and to not talk. She just wanted to point out the beautiful colors she’d used and demanded to know why I called her “Little Miss” when her name was in fact LORELEI.

I searched the internet quickly to find out what my best weapon against marker on my couch would be, without setting the stain or making it worse. Simultaneously, my brain began considering possible art deco or graffitti style decor in case I couldn’t get the marker out of my furniture.

With a baby wipe in hand, I began scrubbing the fuschia out of the couch while I dialed my husband’s work number with the other hand. “Please tell me that it doesn’t matter, it’s just a couch,” I said with one quick breath after he’d barely uttered a hello. “Can you please hold?” He asked, most likely receiving numerous other phone calls simultaneously.

PLEASE HOLD? SURE, WHY NOT. WHAT’S AN EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN WHEN I HAVE 2 SICK KIDS AND FEEL LIKE CRAP TOO ALREADY?

It’s quite possible that I’m totally overreacting… I mean, fuschia’s never hurt anybody (unless it’s a tuxedo at prom). And, it goes well with the juice cup stains, chocolate, pizza, and yogurt stains from almost every toddler that has been over here to eat.

In fact, I might just dye the whole thing fuschia.

And, no…I can’t just buy a cover for my couch because it’s a funky shape (a short curved back). So, if you leave that in the suggestions box, I’m taking it as you offering to custom sew me one. Mmkay?

And Lorelei, it’s okay sweetie, I forgive you. You just gave me the perfect gift idea for your wedding… (hope you like fuschia)

*EDIT*  I am not actually having an emotional breakdown.  Not today, anyways.

Guard your heart.

There are certain things in this world that make us fall.  It differs from individual to individual, but there’s a common thread that passes through most of our lives.

The good-looking man who made us feel beautiful and important.

The waitress in her tiny shirt and coy grin.

The half-empty bottle of beer on the napkin before us.

The group of friends we’ve known since middle school.

The best friend who thinks women were made to be a man’s servant.

Or, the best friend that believes men were made to be thrown away.

The computer with a hard-drive full of photographs of someone else.

The yahoo chat module that comes alive every afternoon, making you feel so dang good, yet you know it’s wrong.

Suggestive words in a book or magazine.

A group of irreverent married friends telling nasty jokes and talking about each others spouses…

…The temptations are different for all of us.  Somethings that tempt me wouldn’t cause you to bat an eyelash, and vice versa.

I challenge you to become aware of the things that tempt you.  The things that you know in your heart are wrong, regardless of whether you can see the harm it’s doing right now, or not.

Guard your heart from anything evil, be careful with it so no bad seeds can be planted to be harvested later.

**I mention alcohol, but I am not suggesting that evilness comes in a beer bottle, just that for SOME people, it’s not a positive thing.  It’s up to you to decide if that’s you or not.
**And friends?  Friends are great.  Having the same friends for 20 years is also great…just make sure they share in the vision for where you want to be.

Let your security be placed with God.

Ladies, if you look for your husband to make you feel secure – whether it’s telling you you’re beautiful or financially, you’re on the wrong track.  God is the only ONE that can provide complete security in your life.  So, give your husband some slack and learn to be his biggest fan, regardless of how human he is.

Men, if you count on your wife to make you feel manly or to keep some of the finer details in your life to go smoothly in order to feel secure, same to you.  While we ALL have responsibilities to each other, we all need to remember that we’re human – all of us.  We are all broken, we are all imperfect.