Is this numbness or resignation?

I can’t tell.

For the first time…in a really long time, I find myself sitting in a room full of people I’ve grown to love and respect, unable to say a word.  Thoughts firing through my brain, but I’m left with no energy to try to interject into the conversation or to actually “put it out there.”

For the first time in a long time, I’m keeping 90% of my thoughts to myself – good and bad.

For the first time in a long time, I have such low expectations from certain people that when they start being asshats, it’s just expected.

I’m not standing up for myself.  I’m rolling with the punches, even when I know in my head that I’m rolling the wrong way.

For the first time in a really really long time, analyzing my thoughts and feelings just makes me cringe, I’d rather bury it.

I’m fairly certain this isn’t “growth” – I just don’t know what it is.  And strangely enough (despite this blogpost), I’d rather just mix a drink and get lost in a book.

Welcome back!