Practice fighting…fairly.

With your spouse, come up with a list of rules for fighting fairly.  Some really great ones to start with are:

1.  Deal with the HERE and NOW.  (Don’t bring up the past over and over again.) <—this one can be really hard!

2.  Use “I” statements.  I feel _______when___________because_________________________.  When you start a statement with “You make me feel…” , the other person automatically gets defensive and begins to close their heart.  With a closed heart, nothing can be accomplished.

3.  Listen and Hear.  Don’t be so caught up in YOURSELF that you forget to hear what your spouse is feeling too.

4.  Attack the issue, not the person.

5.  Limit your discussion/fight to no more than 30 minutes.  When your time is up, you have to move on.

6.  Don’t get too heated.  If you feel your blood boiling to the explosion point, call a time-out.  Have an understanding that you aren’t walking away from each other, then take 20 minutes and come back and resolve it.

7.  Don’t say EVERYTHING.  Honesty is GOOD.  But, saying everything you feel and think isn’t always.  Think about how it will affect the other person.  THIS DOES NOT MEAN LIE.  IT MEANS MONITOR YOUR FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS so as to not say hurtful things in the heat of the moment.

8.  Hold hands.  If you are holding hands while fighting, it’s hard to get too mad.

9.  Ask questions that clarify, not questions that judge.

10.  Realize that it is NOT a weakness to realize you were wrong and to apologize.  Make it okay to back down, for the other to change their mind.

11.  Argue quietly.  Don’t yell.

12.  Don’t say the words “always” or “never.”

13.  Don’t leave the premises.  If you need a break to cool off, take one, but don’t leave the premises.

14.  Don’t involve other people’s opinions.  The two of you need to get through this.  HOWEVER, occasionally an intervention may need to happen in extreme cases.  If you think this is one of those times, you should seek someone you trust who cares about your marriage and would have BOTH of your best interests at heart to confide in for an extra “view” on the situation.

Welcome back!