ONE

Lorelei (looking at and holding her baby, says to her/it in a whisper voice):  “Baby.  You look at me!  Don’t say ‘dammit’!  No.”  Then, she proceeded to open her mouth insanely wide and…bite her.
Me:  *looked at her, mouth wide open in astonishment*
Lorelei: “What?”  (as if she was just doing the most natural thing in the world)

TWO

Lorelei: (As Rora crawls onto Lorelei’s chest) No, Rora! Don’t get me! You’re pushing God, He’s in my heart! Mama! Get her off of me!”

THREE

Lorelei: DADDDY!  Where you going?  Are you getting ready?
Dad:  Yep.  I’m getting ready to go to work.
Lorelei: Noooooo!!!  No go to work!
Dad: Well, I have to go to work so I can make money so we can buy you things.
Lorelei:  Oh. Okay.

FOUR

(During tutoring)
Me (to a student):  Okay, so if a woman has blood type A and her husband has type B blood, what type will their children have?
Lorelei:  C!!  Because A-B-C!!!!!  C comes next!  Yay, good job!

Note:  She usually doesn’t join me for tutoring sessions.  Thankfully.

FIVE

Me:  Hey, Steven…have you checked the mouse trap today?  I don’t want to see it, but you should check to see if we caught Mr. Mouse.
Steven:  (gets cell phone and shines light under the dishwasher)  Um…I don’t see it.
Me:  What…you don’t see the mouse?
Steven:  I don’t see anything.
Me:  As in…it’s too dark?
Steven:  No…as in…the mouse trap is gone.  And, no mouse.  I think it ate it.

Awesome.  We have a scary phantom mouse that EATS mouse traps.  Awesome.

Welcome back!

In an attempt to be and feel closer to God, we often sign up for the latest Bible study, buy the Christian books, and then “do our part” by attending church.  If we feel really motivated, we may even volunteer or at the very least, send a check.

Through all of this, we often pat ourselves on the back with a job “well done” and then go back to our busy lives – with or without God.

Daily, I try my best to walk with God.  Daily, I pray for guidance and His peace (as peace doesn’t just come naturally to me).  And daily, I try hard to not fall into the trap of thinking being close to God is anyhow related to a certain list of objectives for the day.
It’s funny how it can seem so hard just to BE with God.  Just to sit there.  Just to shut up and listen as life whirs by.  It’s even harder when you aren’t sure you can hear anything.

But, I’ve been trying lately…just to BE.  Granted, it’s hard with a husband and two young children – but, even if it’s just a hot shower or being still as they nap or as they run across the playground…it works for me.  It’s wonderful to be back to that place again, where you can talk to God and you can feel Him stirring your soul so intensely and settling peace over you in such a way that it could be nothing else but Him.  It’s wonderful to walk with His embrace and know that no matter how crappy you might feel, no matter how many lies are thrown at you, He is still there – and if you take a little time to just listen and be with Him, He’ll talk to you.

I’ve started this new book, An Altar In The World by Barbara Brown Taylor, and Taylor suggests REVERENCE – taking time to see God’s creation for what it is and being reverent.

So, today I’m going to practice being REVERENT.

“Reverence for creation comes fairly easily for most people. Reverence for other people presents more of a challenge, especially if some people’s lives happen to impinge upon your own.” –Barbara Brown Taylor

Today, I am going to not only look at creation and be reverent, but I’m going to practice reverence for other people.  Today, I’m going to see past the finger that flips me off in traffic, see past rude comments, see past all the things that drive me nutty nuts.  Today, I’m looking for God in people and choosing not to be hung up on their people-ish-ness (It’s my new word, isn’t it snazzy?)

Because, when it comes down to it, none of us are perfect and yet God loves us all despite ourselves.

Maybe in the process it’ll make me a more love-able person, too.

My marriage is probably the best it’s ever been. It’s so wonderful and although I’m struggling with depression some, it has NOTHING to do with my marriage. (In fact, I think it has more to do with a chemical imbalance…or something…because my present life is pretty great.)

Anyhow, Steven and I have been talking about how great it’d be to have one “date” a week. It’s not that we don’t spend time together as it is, but we wanted to step it up. Almost every night, we watch a show or two together in bed on the computer snuggled up after the girls have gone to bed. Every day, we talk to each other about the other’s day and we spend time with our kids. My parents are awesome about watching the girls so we can run to the bookstore and go to the mall or whatever we want. We can’t really complain.

But, just because it’s good, it doesn’t mean we can’t step it up a notch. So, we’re taking a challenge that I found on another website called Project 52. Basically, it’s one date a week for a year. The rules are simple:

1 day a week.
No kiddos (we already have lots of “family” dates)
We take turns planning the date each week
We will aim to not spend more than $100/month for expenses.

So, for week one, there was Valentine’s Day. I went to my mom’s house with the girls and spent time with them until Steven came to pick me up. He walked up to the door and then opened my door so I could get in. When we arrived back to our house, I waited for a moment until he came back to get me. Our living room was darkened, lit only by candles which spanned the entire room. The curtains were drawn tight and every door was closed, including a curtain to block the kitchen area. A small table for two was set up in the middle of the Living Room floor where the coffee table had been that morning. A pretty white tablecloth with cut-out designs and red rose petals covered the table for 2. The table was set, complete with silverware, plates, wine glasses and a rose for me. On our plates, he had prepared Chinese Food just for us! He even bought some fortune cookies! In an envelope, he gave me little coupons that I could redeem at a later time for various things.

We talked and had a wonderful quiet time, just enjoying each others presence and being able to completely relax.

Then, I gave him my gifts…

Yesterday, I posted a temperament test…what were your results?

I scored:

57 choleric
34 phlegmatic
50 melancholy
53 sanguine

The LaHayes say that you can be a combination of temperaments as well.  It’s rare that people score evenly in all 4, though.  (Keep in mind that your temperament is what you’re born with, you can learn to behave in other ways.)

So, that makes me a choleric sanguine melancholic.

Below, I’m listing what each means (in a nutshell):

ROCKY CHOLERIC

independent unpopular   cruel

have goals think they are perfect  won’t give up a fight

know how they want problems solved cold    demand loyalty from ranks

decisive – know whats righ and wrong. unemotional   has little needs for friends

organizer – run things well. domineering   is usually right

visionary unforgiving   must correct wrongs

strict with kids – know what they expect   angry    compulsive need for change

Flip Philegmatic

peace makers         unmotivated

quiet          procrastinator

don’t express selves or give info unless asked.    undecisive

perfectionist         selfish (stingy)

control their anger well       fearful

calm in tense situation – mediate & settle arguments    worrier

important to them that everyone “feels” food    dampens enthusiasum

effiicient         would rather watch or do behind the sceens work

subtle humor         clean up after everyone goes home

quietly observe situations       Finds the easy way out

good listeners – good interpersonal skills     keeps emotions hidden

Maestro Melancholy

gifted praise children sparingly

self sacrificing        moody

help others         self-centered (can be)

thoughtful         critical of others (and myself)

behind the scenes worker negative

like to see others succeed       deep need for approval

like quiet away from people hold back affection

faithful         carry resentment for years

devoted insecure socially

industrious         suspicious of people
Example:  worry and worry about bills

Sparky Sanguine

entertainer undependable

outgoing fickle about friends (I tend to go hard and fast into relationships but get disappointed easily.)

responsive         forgetful (which is why I make LISTS!)

warm undisciplined

friendly         emotionally unstable ( I have definite cycles of ups and downs)

compassionate un productive

doesn’t hold grudges        egostistical

feelings don’t get hurt       exaggerate (I can also stick to the details, but exaggerate to make the stories more amusing)

life of the party        compulsive talkers

fun at home decide with feelings not head

creative hates to be alone

So, is it true?  Maybe.  These lists don’t go into as much depth as the book does, but I can see where there is some definite truth.  This test just kind of reminds me where I am and where I WANT to be and the things I need to work on and let the Holy Spirit change in me.

I’m creative and love painting and crafts but I’m definitely not the type that can “feel” the music and play from my heart (although I can paint from my heart, which may have been self taught).  I like well disciplined children (but happy kids…and no, I don’t really have all of the answers on how to get there.)  I like to talk but when I’m working, I generally dive into my work and get the job done.  I’m analytical and pay attention to details.  I think a WHOLE lot, more than I should.  I am definitely emotional and moody – it goes in cycles.  I have a hard time reading sad books, especially when I’m in a “low” point.  I can cry about a book about someone with cancer for a month (and wonder if my kids have cancer every time I see dark circles under their eyes).  I worry more than I should, but I KNOW this so don’t take myself too seriously.  I love easily but then I hold grudges once i’m crossed.  I’m generally happy MOST of the time and laugh loudly.  I enjoy people but I enjoy my quiet too. I WANT to be organized and LOVE organization but it’s work for me.  I am happiest when my life is comfortably organized (but not stuffy and cold), but you couldn’t tell if you looked at my room, it looks like something exploded.  –Which is equally my and my husband’s part.  I love designing things but like close to instant gratification…so, I will probably never finish a large knitting project.  I’d prefer to sew or use my hands and glue.  (It doesn’t have to be the WHOLE project, but I have to see SOMETHING)  I love friends and family and am definitely critical.  But, I am also critical of myself.  I try to understand people and sometimes I get really really impatient with people BUT choose to love them.  (I also get impatient with MYSELF, so it doesn’t come from a “I’m perfect” sort of view.)  People who think they are perfect drive me nuts and make me want to deflate their heads.  I used to argue more than I do now.  I’m usually right, but only because I will carefully analyze situations and problems and then form an answer only if I’m SURE.  I won’t argue if I don’t know, generally.  And, when I am wrong, I’m one of the first to admit it.  I am stubborn.  I get angry fairly easily – something I’m working on.  I CAN be impulsive, but have learned to back off and think on it before acting.  I both hate and love change.  I like it when I’m in control of it (rather than when it just happens to me).  For example, moving because I choose to is different from moving because you have to.  I try to make the best of situations and I choose to see God working in everything.  I have a level of self confidence, but there are also many things that I’m not confident about…then, there are other things I don’t care about.  I love to love people and never say it if I don’t mean it.  I choose my words carefully and generally mean what I say.  I know how to play the stupid mind games (and am fairly good at them when forced into the situation), but I PREFER open honesty (nice honesty, nonetheless)…but I like transparency (case in point: my blog).  I appreciate relationships but if I feel like someone has hurt me or is going to, I start putting up the walls and back away really really quickly.  I have a sense of humor (a weird one as it may be), but am sensitive to constant “jabs.”  I don’t think it’s very funny to constantly poke at someone.  I love to dream and I love the challenge of making those come true.  I work well with goals and am really good about sticking with them. I used to have to have everything very scheduled out, but I’ve become more relaxed in that and have grown to prefer having some things scheduled and others just taken as they come.  For example, for a vacation I’d have one or two things I’d like to do each day and then just a list of “options” that we can choose as we go.

One of the books I’m working on is SPIRIT CONTROLLED TEMPERAMENT by Tim Lahaye.  By working on, I mean reading as it’s already been written   I came across this personality test and am pretty interested to see what your results are.

Directions:  Beside each quality write a number, 1-5 with 5 being the qualities that best describe you.  You do NOT have to have a certain number in each line (for example, you don’t have to have 4 different numbers in the first line).

Choleric    Phlegmatic   Melancholy   Sanguine

___ optimistic    ___ very quiet   ___ deep feeling  ___ emotional

___goal-oriented   ___pessimistc   ___sensitive   ___difficulty keeping resolutions

___self-confident   ___introvert   ___self-centered  ___compassionate

___activist    ___not aggressive  ___easily offended  ___impractical

___domineering   ___indecisive   ___faithful friend  ___easily discouraged

___aggressive    ___slow & lazy  ___self-sacrificing  ___undisciplined

___leadership ability   ___easy going   ___likes behind the scenes ___weak-willed

___stick-to-it-iveness   ___calm & cool  ___suspicious   ___talkative

___strong-willed   ___efficient   ___introspective  ___enjoyable

___Hot-tempered   ___dependable   ___perfectionist  ___friendly

___insensitive    ___witty, dry humor  ___harbors resentment ___restless

___unsympathetic   ___teases   ___creative   ___difficulty concentrating

___determined    ___selfish   ___moody   ___lives in present

___decisive    ___orderly habits  ___critical   ___egotistical

___sarcastic    ___stingy   ___indecisive   ___impulsive

___practical    ___stubborn   ___pessimistic   ___difficulty with appointment

___outgoing    ___spectator in life  ___idealistic   ___optimistic

___self-sufficient   ___works well under pressure  ___introvert   ___outgoing
Next, add up the numbers in each column, discounting the 1s and 2s (they’re so low, they don’t matter).  Then calculate the final score.  The highest score is your dominant trait (you CAN have a mix).

Choleric: ______

Phlegmatic:______

Melancholy:______

Sanguine:_______

You can also have 2 friends take this test about you to make sure you see yourself as your friends see you.

So, what is your DOMINANT temperament of those 4?

Later on, I’ll write out what each of those means (I’ll paraphrase, anyhow.  You can read the entire book by Tim Lahaye).

Around the house…A load of laundry finished.  Plan to do another load, but beyond that, not planning to clean.
A few plans for the rest of the week: My calendar is filled with tutoring, physical therapy, a bible study and book club…then drill.  Depending on how I feel, I may go to church with a friend.

I started this blog in the beginning of 2008.  In the beginning, I wanted to share stories about my daughter, Lorelei and also to just …be creative (like my “ad for a sugardaddy” or crafts).  As time passed, I became convinced that my blog should be and go far deeper than that.  I wanted people to know me.  To REALLY know me, and not just the good, sugar-coated part.  I expected a lot of people to run at the sight of blatant honesty (and many other emotions, warranted or not), but I wanted to know that when I looked around at the people surrounding me…I wanted to know that those people were there because they wanted to be.  Because they loved me…entirely.

At first, blogging was awesome.  Let’s be honest:  A lot more people stuck around then I thought would.  People would come up to me and start conversations where my blog post left off.  Word traveled about my blog, and soon more people than I can count began reading my blog (sometimes they met my blog before they met me).  It was great being able to say the hard stuff just ONCE and not over and over again.  It was fun to be able to announce our second pregnancy to friends we’d made all over the country AND some family members ALL AT ONCE.

But, then…there are times like this when I really struggle with keeping a blog at all.

I can’t help but notice the drop in comments from 2008 to 2010 (although my traffic has increased 20x).  I can’t help but notice that the people who used to call, don’t.  Actually, sometimes I feel like I should make my blog private just to force people to call me to ask how my day was.  You know, to have friendships…the kind where I *know* you care and then we can have a two sided conversation about our lives.  When the comments AND the phone calls stop, you just feel like you’ve been left behind, like nobody really wants to talk to you, online or off.

And sometimes… I think I might miss the facade of “the girl that is always happy.”  I wouldn’t for long, I don’t think, but sometimes…I wonder, “Would it be better to just smile and pretend?”

I will always have stories to tell, but I’m wondering if maybe I should move it somewhere else.

For just a moment, I’d like you to think of all of the possessions you have.  I want you to imagine the things you’ve invested the most money in – a boat, big screen tv, gaming station, music equipment, clothing, etc.  For most of us, when we invest money in things, we tend to value them more.

Today, spend some money on your spouse.  You choose the amount, big or small.  Money doesn’t equal love, but sometimes it can help us see the value in some things.

I’m struggling.

I’ve woken up and wiped the sleep from my eyes.  I hear whir and a whoosh, and tilt my head to look around me at my surroundings.  Another whooooosh!  Something tickles my ear and I reach up, running my hands along something new and unfamiliar.  As I explore the thick strands of something unknown around my face, I feel the slightly jagged edges and the wet dew.  It’s grass.  Jumping up, I look around, confused.  In the middle of the battle grounds, there I stand.  I don’t know how I got here, but here I am.  An arrow whizzes by, too close to my face and suddenly I realize what all of the whirring and whooshing had been.  I’m being shot at and I have no idea from which direction.

I’m struggling.

A friend asks how I am, only to cut me off immediately.  You are not loved.

My blog link isn’t included among those of everyone else I know.  You are not important.

A handful of emails and phone calls go unanswered over a span of time. You are not worthy.

The tears aren’t noticed.  You are invisible.

My current “battles” are less than new, and I’m not finished fighting them yet.  In fact, I’m just now getting around to facing them.  Then, someone says:  “You’re not over that yet?” You are not good enough.

I am not invited.  You are not wanted.

Someone betrays me.  You are not worthy of love or friendship.  This is MY fault.

Someone tells me “no.”  No, because it’s you.

An argument erupts because my “feelings” aren’t what I SHOULD be feeling.  You are not understood.

A blog is posted and after I scrape out the contents of my heart onto a concisely printed page, I hit “publish,” terrified.  Still, my home is filled with silence. You are alone.

Not a word is said after I miss an important event because getting out of bed was just too much that day.  You are weak and you will not be missed

Lately, the arrows have been coming in fast and hard, occasionally grazing my flesh.  Daily, now, I’m fighting so hard to not let these lies become my truth.

Touch your spouse.

Touch is important – powerful, even.

Give your spouse a hug, kiss, massage, or all of the above!