I write this blog for a variety of reasons, and what I choose to or not to write…I also choose for a variety of reasons.

Sometimes I write things just for the sake of remembering them.

Sometimes I write so I can analyze my thoughts.

Sometimes I write, hoping for input.

Sometimes I write just to know I’m not alone.

Sometimes I write so others know that they are not alone.

Sometimes I just need to get things out of my head.

Sometimes I write so family and friends can “keep up” with our lives easily.

Sometimes…I just write.

And, sometimes…I wish I didn’t.  Sometimes, I wish I could just go back to a diary or journal of sorts that is hidden from the eyes of the world because sometimes it’s easier for nobody to know than everyone to know but only a few care out loud.

Sometimes, I wonder if it’d be better just to keep my mouth shut and smile, no matter how I feel inside - but, I know deep down that that won’t really work.  This is generally the one place where I really open up (unless probed with questions), most of my life is a string of jokes and smiles…regardless.

I’m trying incredibly hard to claw out of this deep hole I’ve found myself in.  After a long talk with my doctor and friend, we decided to add another medication to the daily arsenal.  Hopefully, I’ll notice improvement soon.  Many days, I feel so lost and over the last few days, things got much worse.  Terrifying thoughts haunted my mind, thoughts meant to destroy me and everything I could ever want.  I began using some of my time trying to find ways to escape the darkness, to find peace… to be released.

I know that I have to be honest about where I am and the battles I’m facing - because, I know I can’t do this alone.

I write so much on this blog, but it’s really a Catch 22 for me.  It’s HARD for me to not immediately push DELETE on the touchy posts.  It’s HARD for me to share with people that won’t be sharing back in most cases.  I’m ASHAMED of the feelings I feel, of the darkness that cloaks my mind.  I know I have a wonderful little family and friends and despite the recent happenings in our life, we have still been incredibly blessed.  But, the depression doesn’t care.  I know a lot of people don’t really understand depression, so let me try to explain it for you.  (And if this is how you feel, call a doctor…or message me)

Depression isn’t just a bad mood.  It doesn’t just get fixed with flowers or a funny joke.  Those things help, but those that are depressed fight MOMENT BY MOMENT.

Sometimes, depression can be healed by medicine, prayer, therapy or a combination of those.

Not all depressed people look “dirty” or like they don’t take care of their appearances.  Textbooks give that as a warning sign, but I can wear makeup and dress up and smile and still be fighting on the inside.  In fact, some of us will and have laughed even on our deathbeds.  Some of us make jokes, it’s what we do.

Depression isn’t one of those even paths where a person’s emotional state doesn’t change from one hour to the next.  For some, it comes in lulls from bad to worse, depending on a variety of circumstances.

Depression is like being trapped…

The best way I know to describe it is being trapped underwater in the deepest darkest parts of the sea where there is no light and you feel alone and scared…and alone.  Occasionally you’ll see a glimpse of something, and think it’s the light and surface, but it’s only a bubble.

Imagine the pain of someone close to you dying and feeling that…every moment of every day times 10.

Depression isn’t so much logical and people can’t just decide to be happy at this point.

We need moment-by-moment reminders that people do love us and will stand by us and little “happy things.”  We need to talk, to vent, to hug, to be loved.  Mostly, what we need to know from our friends and family is that they’ll hold our hands as we try to swim back to the surface, even if it takes us a while to find our way.  We need to know they’re beside us, not just looking down and waiting for us to drown.

Welcome back!