I write this blog for a variety of reasons, and what I choose to or not to write…I also choose for a variety of reasons.

Sometimes I write things just for the sake of remembering them.

Sometimes I write so I can analyze my thoughts.

Sometimes I write, hoping for input.

Sometimes I write just to know I’m not alone.

Sometimes I write so others know that they are not alone.

Sometimes I just need to get things out of my head.

Sometimes I write so family and friends can “keep up” with our lives easily.

Sometimes…I just write.

And, sometimes…I wish I didn’t.  Sometimes, I wish I could just go back to a diary or journal of sorts that is hidden from the eyes of the world because sometimes it’s easier for nobody to know than everyone to know but only a few care out loud.

Sometimes, I wonder if it’d be better just to keep my mouth shut and smile, no matter how I feel inside – but, I know deep down that that won’t really work.  This is generally the one place where I really open up (unless probed with questions), most of my life is a string of jokes and smiles…regardless.

I’m trying incredibly hard to claw out of this deep hole I’ve found myself in.  After a long talk with my doctor and friend, we decided to add another medication to the daily arsenal.  Hopefully, I’ll notice improvement soon.  Many days, I feel so lost and over the last few days, things got much worse.  Terrifying thoughts haunted my mind, thoughts meant to destroy me and everything I could ever want.  I began using some of my time trying to find ways to escape the darkness, to find peace… to be released.

I know that I have to be honest about where I am and the battles I’m facing – because, I know I can’t do this alone.

I write so much on this blog, but it’s really a Catch 22 for me.  It’s HARD for me to not immediately push DELETE on the touchy posts.  It’s HARD for me to share with people that won’t be sharing back in most cases.  I’m ASHAMED of the feelings I feel, of the darkness that cloaks my mind.  I know I have a wonderful little family and friends and despite the recent happenings in our life, we have still been incredibly blessed.  But, the depression doesn’t care.  I know a lot of people don’t really understand depression, so let me try to explain it for you.  (And if this is how you feel, call a doctor…or message me)

Depression isn’t just a bad mood.  It doesn’t just get fixed with flowers or a funny joke.  Those things help, but those that are depressed fight MOMENT BY MOMENT.

Sometimes, depression can be healed by medicine, prayer, therapy or a combination of those.

Not all depressed people look “dirty” or like they don’t take care of their appearances.  Textbooks give that as a warning sign, but I can wear makeup and dress up and smile and still be fighting on the inside.  In fact, some of us will and have laughed even on our deathbeds.  Some of us make jokes, it’s what we do.

Depression isn’t one of those even paths where a person’s emotional state doesn’t change from one hour to the next.  For some, it comes in lulls from bad to worse, depending on a variety of circumstances.

Depression is like being trapped…

The best way I know to describe it is being trapped underwater in the deepest darkest parts of the sea where there is no light and you feel alone and scared…and alone.  Occasionally you’ll see a glimpse of something, and think it’s the light and surface, but it’s only a bubble.

Imagine the pain of someone close to you dying and feeling that…every moment of every day times 10.

Depression isn’t so much logical and people can’t just decide to be happy at this point.

We need moment-by-moment reminders that people do love us and will stand by us and little “happy things.”  We need to talk, to vent, to hug, to be loved.  Mostly, what we need to know from our friends and family is that they’ll hold our hands as we try to swim back to the surface, even if it takes us a while to find our way.  We need to know they’re beside us, not just looking down and waiting for us to drown.

Welcome back!

Recently, I received a wonderful new book in the mail – Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day: The Discovery That Revolutionizes Home Baking by Jeff Hertzberg MD and Zoe Franois. I had had my eye on it for a while, and I was eager to try it out. Unfortunately, life happened and my kitchen and I were separated for a while – making baking bread a bit of a difficult task.

This past week, however, Lala and I had the opportunity to try one of the basic breads from the book.

And…I love it! If you’re thinking that you can’t bake bread in just 5 minutes a day, you’re correct in that…this isn’t some microwave bread BUT it’s recipes that don’t involve kneading or punching down bread or long rising periods. You simply mix up the ingredients, let them rise, refrigerate it and pull out what you need, when you need it! Once you’ve mixed up the dough and let it rise/refrigerate, the actual ACTIVE time you spend with making of this bread is about 5 minutes…and that’s if you lost your pizza peel!

I adore carbs (in taste and theory, not particularly how they make my jeans shrink) and this book is a treasure chest full of “bread” recipes – including pizza dough, pastries, cinnamon rolls, and ….YOU GUESSED IT! Artisan Bread!

You can buy the book for $17.83 on Amazon – which is about what it’d cost to go to the bakery and buy 4 tiny loaves of Artisan Bread. My only complaint is that the recipe I used requested I have a broiler pan and … WHAT THE HECK IS A BROILER PAN? We don’t like using the “broil” option on the oven because we tend to catch things on fire, so having a special pan for it was a little new to me. Once I figured out what that was, it made things a lot easier, especially since mom had one to let me “borrow”. So, my one complaint is really just me admitting that I didn’t know what an apparently very important kitchen item was….

We’ve already made several loaves of yummy bread and are excited about trying some cinnamon rolls next week! MMM!

Buy it here: Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day: The Discovery That Revolutionizes Home Baking

Lala:  *points to sky*  Oooh…mama!  Helicopter!

Me:  Good job, sweetie!  What’s that *points to a tree*?

Lala:  Tree!!! (obviously proud of herself)

Me:  Great job!  That’s right!

Lala:  Ooooh!  What’s that!?  *points to a bird in the sky*

Me:  That’s a hawk.  It’s a kind of bird, it’s looking for food.  See how it flies in circles?

Lala:  Ooooh  ooookay!  Honk!!  *then, she “honks” her nose”

Soo…if she tells you she sees a HONK…what she means is….

Our daughter has learned a certain 4-letter word that, when spoken LOUDLY in the middle of Walmart, tends to turn angry stares in my general direction.

The word:  PISS

Context:

Lala:  Mama, Piss!

Me:  What, baby?

Lala:  Piss please!?

Me:  It’s KISS.  K-k-k-KISS!

Lala:  Okay.  K-k-k-k-PISS!  Yay Lala!  (claps hands)

These last couple of posts have been difficult for me.  I procrastinate, putting them off, hoping I’ll feel better the next day and therefore have no need to write them.  Then, I realize I don’t…and won’t.  This is real.  Too real.

In May of this year, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  And… I felt great.  I was happy.  With Lala, I had some postpartum depression, but this time…I was doing great!  The doctors warned me that it may come and they kept trying to comfort me about a condition I was sure I didn’t have.  So, I smiled and willed them to just go away so I could smile and coo at my new baby and goofy toddler.

Slowly, the “bad” days seemed to grow more frequent.  I assured myself it was simply me becoming acquainted to being a mom of 2 and dealing with being without job and some of the other issues we have been facing.  I figured it was normal.  –Until the bad days began to slowly get more intense, making me want to be alone and not all at once.  I knew the signs but have fought this before and was so confident that it was no big deal.  And, it wasn’t, really.  I’d just have to determine each day that I would be happy.  I had to fill my day with little things that would make me happy (a piece of cake, a fun activity, crafting, helping others…) and I had to keep shoving myself out into public just to keep myself from being alone on the bad days.  It was manageable, I knew how to do this.  And, before I knew it, I was having a string of good days again.

But…then, we lost our insurance.

I understand that a lot of people live their lives without insurance.  Or, 20% of Americans do (so they say).  I know that a lot of people do it and they do it with happy hearts.  Kudos to them.  For me…it means I’m failing my family.  It means I’m not taking care of the two little girls God placed in our care.  It means that the medical debt we just paid off is going to grow again and we are no longer slowly climbing the long hill out of debt but rather, sliding fast back in.  It means that I can’t get the pain relief I need.  It means another bit of security has been ripped from my life.

So, this one thing sent me spiraling.  Spiraling, quickly…and too close.  Too close to bottom.  I’ve been to the bottom before…the place where you begin looking for an OUT.  The place where logic no longer reaches you and you just want it to be over.  Because, you’re done.  You’re tired of being in pain, the pain on the outside sears your brain and the pain you feel inside shreds your heart into tiny pieces and you feel like you’re drowning and nobody can save you.

It’s really hard for me to admit that.  It’s even harder for me to take a pill to make me “happy.”  But, I know this disease all too well.  I know the cycles, I know how it affects me, and I know how it ends.  I know how illogical I become and I know that I can’t get out alone – alive – without some help.  So, I’m taking the help I get.  Right now, this help comes in the form of a tiny pill that I can’t really tell if it’s working or not, yet.

It’s hard for me to grasp that I could be having post-partum depression FIVE MONTHS after my baby was born…but, I guess I’ve had it for a while…just mild and manageable until recently.

I went from a daily struggle to be happy to a moment-by-moment basis.  And, quite frankly…it’s kicking my ass.  Suddenly, I don’t have the options to put myself in therapy or try out a string of medication…because now…I can’t afford them.  This one just happened to be on the $4 list at Walmart.  I will myself to be happy.  I throw myself into public situations while my entire being protests.  It’s like there are two parts of me – the logical part that’s just trying to not disappear, screaming that I don’t need to be alone…and then the rest of me…that just wants to find a closet to lay down in.

Somedays, I think I’m too good at pretending for my own good – fighting with all my might to survive while I pretend to be JUST FINE with smiles and laughter to hide what I feel.

So, why am I telling you…the world…then?  Because I have to.  Because I need to write it down.  Because no matter how much I want to NOT feel pathetic and weak for feeling this way, I do.  Because no matter how much I don’t want you to know how pathetic and weak I feel that I am, I need you to know.

I’m fighting a tricky battle – one more deadly and filled with terror than any that could be fought with swords or guns because this battle lies within and surely a part of me must lose to win.

I can feel the prayers working over me, and the calmness slowly flooding my soul.  I am just so so thankful for my friends and family who didn’t hesitate to reach out to us today.  Thank you so much for shaking me, looking me in the eye, and saying ” This is not a YOU effort.  This is a WE effort.  We’re in this together.”  I mean it from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you.  I want to cry for entirely different reasons…happy reasons (and I’m not even a happy crier, but I’m the most lucky girl in the world.)  I’ve waited a long time for friends as awesome as you, and then God gave you to me.  So, thanks be to Him and thanks to you for being that to me.  All of you.  I love you.

It’s been a ROUGH past 10 months.  And, today…our insurance dropped us.  There’s nothing we can do about it and we aren’t eligible to get it back for 12 months.  I’ve been holding on for months, trying to swim in shark infested waters, and today….TODAY, just felt like it was too much.

I felt alone and like God had just walked out on me.  You know the times you KNOW He’s there but you can’t FEEL him or see him working and then your life gets to the point of TOUGHNESS that you convince yourself you are ALONE??  Yeh, there.  So, today all I could think of were the Neurology appointments and the pain I was in but the treatments and therapies we couldn’t afford suddenly.  I was thinking about how we’d been through so much and I’d been so hopeful that we’d be able to FIX something in our lives with the upcoming appointments.  I was thinking about how my husband needs to get his issue fixed so the military would quit penalizing him for it.  I was thinking about WHAT IF something happened and our girls got hurt…

I was thinking… WHEN DO WE GET A BREAK?!

And then I remembered how last night I prayed fervently that God would squeeze my hand a little so I knew he was holding it.  And, how I prayed that he would SLAM close doors to places and things he didn’t want us going.

So, maybe this is a blessing.  (I won’t say more until a few other things come to pass…)

A HARD blessing, but a blessing where friends and loved ones have banded around us, keeping careful watch over our family.  I’m so thankful.

And God, I am so blessed that you knew my needs before I did and you knew the best people that you could put in our lives.  Thank you so much for giving me such truly awesome FRIENDSHIPS.  Please help me remember on a daily basis your blessings and help me to bless those around me.  Please continue to show me the way so that I may follow you closely.  Amen.

I pace through the house, hugging my sweet Rora tight.  Tears streaming down my cheeks, my lips pursed affording no sound to come out.  My throat makes a gulping noise as I suppress the violent sobs that shake me, threatening to come out.  I hug her closer to my chest, my head pulsing, trying to just ground myself.  Trying to see the good.  The light.  Because, my girls…they are my little beacons of light.

I feel like I’m drowning on dry land, my feet refuse to stand still as they walk across the cold, hard tile and I want to scream at the top of my lungs to my God, “ARE YOU SERIOUS?  HELP ME OUT, HERE, DUDE!  I CAN’T DO THIS ALONE AND I’M REALLY FEELING ALONE.  I’M FEELING BEATEN.  WEARY.  LIKE I’VE ALREADY LOST.  LIKE MAYBE…JUST MAYBE, I SHOULD CALL IT A DAY.  GIVE UP.”  But, I wouldn’t dare unclench my mouth, afraid of the emotion and uncontrollable and unrecognizable sound that may come out.  So, I pace.

“Mommy sad?” Lala looks up at me, her eyes searching mine.  “Yeh, baby.  Mommy’s sad.  It’s going to be okay,” I say.  And, I feel almost guilty for promising something that I don’t know I can keep.

As hard as I try, I can’t seem to wrestle through the tangle of issues we’re looking through.  I’ve found silver-linings in everything and chalked the rest to JUST BEING LIFE.  But, now I’m finding myself suddenly paralyzed and drowning.  Occasionally, I see a sparkle, hope of a surface…but then I realize it was just a bubble and I’m still alone at the bottom of the sea.

After 15 hours of driving..Yes, I know it should have only been 12 hours – but, mix in no sleep, dozing off, and directions that assume everyone has a fast pass for tollbooths, and there you go…we are at Izea Fest in Orlando, Florida!  We’re staying at the Renaissance, which has HUGE rooms, a flat screen tv, mini fridge, adjustable showerhead, 4 restaurants, awesome pool and (my favorite) AVEDA shower products!  YEAH!  Then, Steven on a Doterati panel with a couple of other bloggers and a couple of great ladies in print (and online) marketing.  (He did great!  And Aurora even got to sit at the panel for a bit! )  Last night, we were treated to Busch Garden’s first night of Howl O Scream for this year.  3 buses were loaded up, snacks and drinks were provided, and we were escorted privately to BUSCH GARDENS in Tampa Bay.  Think:  7 haunted houses, fun characters and fog machines strolling through the park and ROLLERCOASTERS!  It was sooo much fun!  Vampire sorority girls, homicidal maniacs trapped in the walls, wild “people” on rocks and mauled werewolves (to name just a few) are waiting for anyone daring enough to enter.

Today, is the beginning of IZEA FEST CONFERENCES.  And, already…just a few hours in, it’s probably my favorite conference EVER.  That’s saying quite a lot!

Oh hey…there’s Clyde, the Seaworld seal…going up on stage?

…I’ll be back later….

Date of Blog Tour: October 1, 2009

Product/Book Name: Redefining Beautiful by Jenna Lucado

Ages: Teens and Pre-teens

Price: $12.99

Put out by: Thomas Nelson

Images:

Videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wrm6oi-v_J0

Links:  Buy HERE

A few days ago, I received my copy of Redefining Beautiful by Jenna Lucado in the mail from Thomas Nelson Publishers.  Admittedly, I expected something pretty simple and along the lines of “God made you, therefore you are beautiful…beautiful on the inside” sort of message.  And, while this book definitely DID carry that message (which I do believe, but also think it simply becomes cliche after hearing it over and over again), it dug a little deeper.

Unfortunately, this book is specifically targeted to PRE-TEEN and TEENAGE GIRLS – meaning it would be inappropriate to hand to your son on his 13th birthday and not much better for a 20 year old young woman.  However, FORTUNATELY, this book is specifically targeted to PRE-TEEN and TEENAGE GIRLS – it may only apply to a select population of people (YOUNG GIRLS), but it is needed.  I don’t know of one young girl who doesn’t struggle in some way with her self-image.

Redefining Beautiful is a written journey for each young girl who chooses to embark on it.  Its 221 pages are filled with words that will both teach its reader more about herself and inspire, as well as simple tips and advice from both Jenna and her father, Max Lucado.  Within each book are pages and spaces dedicated to journaling and self-discovery, as well as some quizzes, thought-provoking questions, and chances to doodle.

As I read through this book, the only negative thing I could point out was that it wasn’t around when I was a young teenager.  I recommend this book to any young girl – between the ages of 12 and 17 (give or take, depending on your child’s maturity).