Several months ago, my husband lost his job.  Besides a few freak-outs, we took it in stride - knowing and believing that God had something in His plans for us.  Something just for us.  We’ve been through our share of difficult times, but this one…well, with this one, we felt at peace.

My husband still does not have a job, but we wholly believe God is working behind the scenes…and we await the day when the pieces begin to fit together in a way that we’ll be able to say “AHA!”  But, it’s when a seemingly large piece - something that I never asked or prayed for, something I didn’t even know I wanted, something so seemingly MADE FOR ME comes my way.  This thing, so perfect in timing and circumstance that it could be nothing else but A GOD THING presented before me.  My soul whispers, “YES!” and from the center of my being…I just know.

And, it seems so perfect, carefully intertwining my talents and servant heart without ever truly taking away from the ministry I know HE has called me to, first and foremost.  Until…one day it does.  And, I’m left questioning and searching for answers that don’t seem to be there, feeling more lost and alone than ever because I was walking so clearly in God’s presence, and suddenly…I’m surrounded by only doubt.  In myself.  In the pieces of a plan I was called to serve in…but then, seemingly left.

It just seemed so right…but it seems to be coming to a fast end.  Other agendas are fighting to trump the one thing I know I AM being called to do, other agendas trying to tell me how I should serve my God.  I wonder what the purpose of showing me this was…something I will never be allowed to keep for a long amount of time, something that will make me feel like more of a failure than I already do.  I have poured my heart in but feel like I’m only being drained as I’m carefully being stretched in a way that I never meant to go.

“I just…I just don’t get it.  God doesn’t make mistakes, but why would he give me this just to take it away again?  Why can’t I ever seem to find my way and KEEP it?  Why am I not allowed to breathe easily and rest for a while?”

“You know, Ash….maybe this was about you.  Maybe it wasn’t about you helping others.  Maybe it wasn’t meant to be long-term.  Maybe it was just a stepping stone.”

And, maybe.

I just wish that I didn’t feel so alone with such a shaken heart.

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