Growing up, I experienced a lot of unhealthy relationships, some even abusive.  I yearned for that special kind of friendship that Hollywood made seem so real – the kind that never broke your heart, the kind that never failed to be there for you, the kind that would be there for you when you fell the hardest (and even when you didn’t).  For years, I actively sought out deep friendships, only to be swept off my feet…and land right on my face again.

I was hungry for a friendship and a love not laced with betrayal, resentment, or ulterior motives.  I was hungry for someone who would love me, not use me and throw me away again.

I began seeking this type of friendship so much, that it began to do wonders to my soul.  Every time I was hurt, another stone was placed in the wall around my heart – and, slowly, I began to feel more and more under-appreciated and un-deserving.  Every birthday, every loss, every triumph seemed so much harder without that extra hand to hold – the hugs that I needed from someone else besides my mom or husband.  I just felt…alone.

When Sir and I began to have trouble in our marriage, I hit rock-bottom.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone in my life.  Only a handful of people supported me, and the rest wanted to hear nothing about anything and were satisfied to just hang and shake their heads in complete disapproval.  The lack of solid friendships in my life became that more evident and blinding in those moments, those days, those months.  I became acutely aware of the difference between the relationships I thought I had, and those that were really there for me – through thick and thin – whether by blood or other bonds.

In the following months, my life was blessed in many ways.  I began connecting with people I wouldn’t have otherwise found had it not been the circumstances I was facing.  I began forging friendships.  –Friendships that I had been hoping and praying for.  I reached out, they reached back, and we enveloped each other in hugs and kind words.  And, I wasn’t just being blessed with one special friend, but many.  Relief flooded over me.  It was like I had finally found something that I’d searched for for so long.

Then, in an instant, things screeched to a halt.  Suddenly, I became aware that these relationships were quickly becoming seemingly too busy to include me, and events and fun were being had – without me.  Important events (to me) and so I reached out more, and it felt like they had stopped reaching back.  Without warning, it was like I had been thrown back into middle school, alone on the playground, the last to be chosen.  My heart screeched to a halt and I felt panic climb through my soul as my brain whispered “FOOL!  UNWORTHY!  UNLOVED!”  I quelled the hateful words that bubbled up within me towards myself, choosing to believe that it was nothing more than them being busy.  They must’ve just forgotten, that’s all.  But, as I kept reaching out to them (not in neediness, but with love), I kept seeing them instead, reach out to someone else.

Just not me.

To me, in that moment, the lack of inclusion and felt like a clear statement to me: You were not chosen because I do not love you.  To me, it felt like everything up to that point – every act of kindness, every sweet gesture – had been negated, had been a sham.

Lost.  Alone.  Unloved.  Undeserving.  Under-appreciated.  Forgotten.  –All words that would describe what I felt, but none of them would accurately be able to explain or describe the dark shroud that clouded my heart.  It’s one thing to never have something, but to be shown and have it ripped from your grasp when you feel you need it the most can be one of the most traumatic (…or learning) experiences ever.

In the past few months, I’ve been coming to terms with my ideals of friendships and I’ve done a lot of growing.  Through friends and random scattered messages, God has shown me so much.

To begin with, I had some crazy high expectations.  While I was fully ready to dive head first into a DEEP friendship, I expected ALL of my friends to be able to deliver on this level.  I expected the Hollywood version of a “healthy friendship” – one without betrayal and one with total loyalty.  I expected someone that would have time for me and would want me there for their big and small moments – from birthdays to funerals, so I could laugh and cry with them the entire way.  I expected them to love me and need me back.  And, in such…I set myself up to fall a mighty fall.  Because to be incredibly frank and honest – there’s only ONE somebody who can fulfill such a tall order – and He is my God.

The truth is, I was seeking someone else to fill a role that should’ve been reserved for HIm only.  I don’t know why I thought someone ELSE could fulfill a role that not even my husband could completely fill 100 percent of the time, but I did.  I was so caught up with what I *wanted* and less with what I *needed*, and so focused on ME rather than Him that I lost sight of what true friendships are and the blessings they can bring.  I lost sight of the many different ways in which people choose to express their love, and I somehow came to expect them to speak in a love language that was unique to me.

I was looking so hard for the deep relationships, searching for a specific type of friendship, that I began to let anything other than that one type of friendship completely self-destruct into a little pile of smoke.

And that…that, was on me.

A good friend recently said something that resonated deeply – “All of the issues I have with you are my own.”

It’s true.  I owe so many people apologies because I wasn’t happy enough with what they were willing to offer.  I just wanted more.  And more.  I had let myself come to the conclusion that if the friendship didn’t look a certain way, then it wasn’t real and I didn’t want it.

Friendships don’t have to look one certain way.  And as my friend put it, “Friendships are like a buffet.”  –You have all different sorts, and they’re all blessings and wonderful…or they can be.  If you let them.  If *I* let them.  And, sometimes friendships come and go like seasons during our life.  Not all friendships are meant forever.  But, it doesn’t make them less valuable.  Sometimes, they just come in your greatest hour of need, and sometimes you don’t even know you were needing them, but He did.

And as my friend so eloquently put it, “I’m so thankful God forced me to have Him as my best friend.”

Me too.  And, I am so thankful for friends like you who have been put in my life to help me grow closer and closer to resembling the woman I was meant to be.  I’m so thankful for every hand that has reached out, even once – and, I’m so sorry for not seeing it so clearly as I see it all now.  And God?  I apologize for trying to give someone else your job as my BEST FRIEND, I’d really like for you to take that position.  And, then…maybe you can send me some close friends so I can give this a go again?  Thanks.  Love, Me.

Welcome back!