Part Of Me.
There is a part of me that wants to document and sift through the plethora of feelings and thoughts looming over me. Then, there is the rest of me that wants to hunker in the dark corner, silent – waiting for the dark waters to cover me and end the intense struggle. Today, emotions are raw and the deeper I dig, the more hurt I feel. It seems like one corner after another, my life is flipping over on itself. And, each time I find myself talking myself off of a ledge.
No.
No.
No.
I won’t go back there. Not to that place. I can’t. I’m stronger than this.
At least, that’s what I want to believe, despite the tears rushing down my feverish cheeks.
I sit in a chair, holding a friend’s hand, trying my best to comfort her. But, no words can be said to fix the lifetime of hurt she’s accumulated and collected that is now spewing forth onto the table. I hold her hand and hug her and tell her I love her. And then I just sit. I listen. And I love her silently. She struggles through tears of her own to tell me how unfair things have been and if she could just be in a different situation – a situation she describes that would remarkably look like mine…at least, on the surface.
And then I want to shake her awake, or at least mumble “Be careful for what you wish for…”
Instead I sit, listening.
She feels the world caving in, a little at a time, and her shoulders are so worn and ragged she doesn’t know how to take another step. She feels like she’s alone in the midst of a crowd of people, and that she has to be everyone’s everything and that it’d just be easier if…
she could be me.
I tell her that we all hurt and we all have our dark and dirty little secrets that make us cry at night. I tell her that for every happy face she sees, there are most likely bleeding hearts inside. Awful, but true.
She laughs at me, her sweet eyes mocking me. To her, I couldn’t possibly know the pain she felt.
My heart shreds a little and I feel my tongue glueing itself to the roof of my mouth. If I were to begin saying what’s on my heart right now, I’d surely bury her in the rubble of it all. This was her time. I tried to smile, although it came out more like a wince.
“I don’t have words for you,” I told her. “Just love.”
Because what do you tell a person when you don’t know yourself?
What do you say when the truths you were so sure of turned out to be pretty little deceptive lies laced in gold and diamonds?
What do you say when you’re clinging to the last shred of hope, yourself?
What do you do when they’re drowning, but your own life preserver seemingly floated away?
I’d hold your hand and walk it with you if you weren’t so busy pushing me away, insisting I could never understand.
Maybe, just maybe…did you ever wonder if I was the one that needed to hold your hand?
Welcome back!
Comments
Momisodes
I am so sorry. I hope that perhaps you could find a way to lean on each other for strength and hope. Either way, I am here. Many of us are here, with hands stretched out for you to hold.
Hockeyman
Perhaps I am reading this wrong, but it seems to me she is quite lucky to have such a solid friend as you. We all have our moments and when we are knee deep in them we cannot comprehend anyone else feels what we do at the time. However, its having friends like you that react like you did that make everything alright. Sometimes we just need someone to listen, not one up or advise, just listen to your heart and mind empty itself. Bless you for being that someone to another person. I hope you know who your person is…just in case.
Brenda
I could have written this. The thing I’ve started to realize is that many times we tend to show only our “good” or “perfect” side and not let our friends see the side that isn’t so good or that is hurting. And that makes them think that everything is hunky-dory in our lives and want what we have. When we really would do them and us a great favor by being more open and showing all the flaws in our lives. (Not sure if that made sense.) So perhaps your friend didn’t realize you needed a hand to hold because you’ve never been vulnerable with her? I don’t know, but I know that’s been the case with me many times. Seems like you know you did the right thing but wanted what she had — somebody like you to hold your hand without offering up anything but love? What do you say when you’re clinging to the last shred of hope yourself? Hope about something along the line of “I’ll say a prayer for you. I’ve been there (don’t have to say at that moment that you’re going through it right then)and I know from experience that it’s not fun. What would make you feel better right now, this second? (not in the future, as in a better, happy-go-lucky life) Many of us think that the outside of others’ lives are all there is and cling to that as a bottle of hope for “someday”, unfortunately. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying to your friend (at a later date, not when she’s sobbing in your arms LOL)” I’d hold your hand and walk it with you if you weren’t so busy pushing me away, insisting I could never understand.”