For Monday August 31, 2009

Outside my window… Eww eww eww.  There is so much outside work to be done before we go back to *that other place* to stay live.  Gutters need to be cleaned (we don’t own a ladder), mowing needs to be done around trees and such, some of the brick areas need to be washed down, shrubs and trees need to be pruned back a bit…and that doesn’t even include what needs to be done *inside*.  We have this tiny window of time to get things done before we leave again.  Then, HE will be gone for a while and ACK!

I am thinking… about how I wish I could get off of this “Having a bad day” track that I’ve been on for the past week or two and go back to less stress and be more relaxed and happy.  I’m really disappointed right now in people in general.

I am thankful for… Amanda, Janice, and my mom.  Without them, my actual birthday would have completely sucked.

From the learning rooms… We’re beginning some of the Preschool curriculum.  We aren’t hitting it terribly hard, just trying to introduce L to things and have fun with it.  She’s pretty eager to learn and has been practicing her ABCs (although has a while before she has those completely down), other songs, counting to 10, recognizing colors and circles, and drawing circles and lines. 

From the kitchen… Wait.  We have a kitchen?  Hmph.  We’ve been gone so much, I almost forgot.  We need to reorganize some things so our dry food FITS in the cabinets instead of on the counter top.

I am wearing… shorts and a t-shirt

I am creating… Tiles.

I am going… to Walmart.  We can do without paper towels, but NOT without toilet paper.  There is only so far I will go!  Plus we need weed-eater cord and bread.  This will probably be the extent of our shopping trip

I am reading… magazines and blogs.  My brain is too fuzzy for much else currently.

I am hoping… to have a WONDERFUL day today.

I am hearing… Rora squealing

Around the house… We are finishing up some work we are doing independently so we can pay a couple of bills and then run a quick errand just to come back home and…WORK!

One of my favorite things… is time with the girls.  I really need it lately.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Work from home, some homeschooling, yard work, Pampered Chef party, Bible study, Sir’s MRI, work in the office and meetings, and oh…the list goes on!

Here is picture thought I’d share… My sweet cats, both need homes…

Welcome back!

I was raised Catholic, and since I was a small child, it was ingrained in us that there was a special moment during church service every Sunday that we would be able to go to communion and partake in the unleavened bread and wine.  Except…in Catholic tradition, it’s more than a simple symbolism and remembrance, Catholicism generally believes that the bread BECOMES His body and the drink, His blood.  We have since switched churches, but…

Every Sunday at church, we pass around communion.  As Sir took his tiny white cracker and rolled it around then bit into it, his face paused in deep concentration.  “You know,” he said, nudging my arm and leaning in to whisper in my ear, “these sure would be good in some kind of taco soup or something.”

That’s my husband.  Never can get enough of Jesus.

The thing about birthdays is that we (meaning I) tend to have this *expectation* that they’ll be a little extra special compared to the normal day.  Lucky for me, I have a few great people in my life that were intent on making that happen.  (Thanks to those of you who took some time out of your CRAZY BUSY lives to spend some time with me on m birthday.)

PS – You won’t see Steven in these photos because he had to work, not because he chose not to come.

PSS – If it looks like we’re in a garage…it’s because we were.  But don’t worry, it was all clean fun…we were just having a yard sale at the same time.  Well, I say WE, but I ended up taking home way more than I brought.  How does that happen?
My cute little cake!  It’s 24 cupcakes, if you were wondering.  (I turned 24…in case you were still confused)

My birthday present.

Not the baby.  Obviously.  The traveling swing AKA the babysitter.

Me and my cake.  It was almost like a bonfire.  I had help blowing that out.

Lala and her piece of the cake.

And, …her second piece?  Plus, take notice of her green/yellow mustache and the black goatee…

She said she wanted some cake…

What comes around…gets eaten.

*See, they even love me so much that they photo-documented it all so I could BLOG it later.

(then concluded with enchirritos at Mom’s house and some ice cream cake…I totally didn’t take photos of myself eating that )

I heard this song yesterday and it really touched me… thought I’d share…

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So many things have happened in a relatively short time-frame. And, while I do realize that most of you OBSESSIVELY check your Google Readers or Inbox for my updates, I realize that some post may slip through as you attend to your own busy daily lives (HOW DARE YOU, YOU KNOW? WEREN’T YOU INFORMED THAT THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND MOI? NO? WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE A BETTER LISTENER?) So, I’ve prepared an update post to catch some of you slackers up-to-date. We’ll call it…

My Summer In Bullet-Points:

• In March, Sir lost his job. Abruptly. With no severance pay. My blog also had it’s first birthday. There was no connection between the two.
• In April, we canceled Lala’s birthday party and any other festivities.
• March and April were pretty awful and scary for us – you know, with me being 8 months pregnant and no job and such.
• I got baptized on Easter…which was also Lala’s birthday.
• We joined a new church
• We made new friends and got to spend some awesome quality time with them
• Experienced labor with my first ever doula and friend who totally rocks
• I became a mother again to another baby girl, Rora
• Sir and I celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary
• Sir played lots of softball, serving as the pitcher
• Planted a garden that gave us a total of maybe 3 regular sized tomatoes, 4 Roma tomatoes and 3 cucumber squash (think yellow cucumbers)
• I got a job that allows me to serve my God and community AND keep my family a priority
• Went to BlogHer
• Became a Pampered Chef Consultant
• Published another article in a well-known series of book
• We gave up our beloved family dog, knowing that she’d be better served by a family not always on the move and with a family that could provide a bit more stability than we could.

This Saturday, I’ll be 24. It’s crazy to look back over this past summer (and beyond) to see the things we’ve mourned over and the things we’ve triumphed over. In a couple of days, we are supposed to meet with a real estate agent to decide what our best course of action is with this house. We are both so torn. This place has come to be a place of comfort…but, it’s too far away from the PEOPLE we love. We don’t know what our next move will be and make no promises that we’ll even know by Wednesday.

I’m currently pursuing going back to school. However, finances won’t allow me to do this on my own, so we’ll see what God works out in that area. TENTATIVELY, I have about a third of it paid for by Federal Grants, but need about 8,000 more dollars to finish up a Psychology Degree.

Soon, we’ll have to find homes for our 2 indoor male cats. These are the only remaining pets we have, and I was so hoping that some loving arms would find their way to us so we wouldn’t have to place them in a shelter. Unfortunately, it seems like this will be our only option as Lala begins to show more signs of allergies (and mine seem to be resurfacing) and as we prepare to move.

Then, there’s Sir, who slugs through the pain each day to try and do “normal” activities and the daddy he wants to be to his daughters. We’re about to embark on a completely separate journey regarding that, but unfortunately I may not be able to write about it for a while.

When Sir lost his job last March, I remember going through a whirlwind of emotions.  Determination – not only that we’d find something else, but also to, well…not cry.  Then, anger.  I was angry at his boss for dumping him with no warning WHATSOEVER and refusing to even resolve a problem we didn’t know existed (and still don’t know exactly what it was).  I was angry at Sir for losing his job.  I was angry in general.  And, then…I was scared.  I worried how we’d feed ourselves and our children.  I was worried how we’d keep our home and how we’d be able to go to the doctor like we needed to.

I went back and forth from feeling like we were in a hopeless situation where I would feel so overwhelmed to feeling like *WE* had to fix it.  I went days where I felt like I couldn’t do anything (because it felt like I struggling under the world’s massive shoe) to feeling like we needed to run run run, constantly printing resumes, looking for jobs, and waiting for the Sir to get home from interviews.

“Just give it to God, ” people would say.  And, quite honestly, that little off the cuff saying really just pissed me off.  That, and the fact that we found out quickly who was really there for us, and who only wanted to TALK about being there for us but never really INQUIRED or TRIED at all in any way…which would make for a whole SERIES of entirely different blog posts.  Anyhow, I have to be honest when I say that from this side of the fence, the whole “Just give it to God,” saying became a really sore spot for us.  Not that we didn’t believe God knew of our troubles, but it felt more like we were being told “Please stop talking to me about this.  I don’t know what to say.  Just stop worrying about it and…see what happens.”  So, I got really quiet.  After all, people knew our situation and either reacted kindly, or they didn’t.  And, most certainly…God knew our situation.

We prayed and prayed for a new job.  For something.  We prayed that we wouldn’t lose everything and we wondered out loud what would happen next.

And, then it happened.  It was something soul-shaking, yet something that could easily have been labeled as yet another TRIAL, depending on how you looked at it.

We began letting things go.  First, it started with small pleasures.  We counted pennies and did away with unnecessary purchases.  We canceled birthday parties, we bought food carefully.  And, once you have no TV, don’t pay to go to gyms or out to eat, don’t buy little things here and there – Well, you begin to realize that HEY, MAYBE I DIDN’T NEED IT AFTER ALL.  We had our family.  We had our friends.  We could surely make do with the rest.  At first it seemed so UN-AMERICAN, but now?  It’s kind of freeing.

But, that was just the beginning.  Because, then…God began to reel us in.  We stopped rushing around like busybodies LOOKING for an answer and finally realized that God would put us where we need to be.  You think you give it to God, you think you TRUST Him, but then you got knocked off your feet and you realize it wasn’t enough.  You realize you were depending on something else to sustain you.  You realize that you actually thought it was UP TO YOU what happened, when it really never mattered because He had His hands on you.  He was guiding you, not the other way around.

Our prayers together went from us asking Him for a job and to save our home and give us food, to prayers of thanksgiving as we watched one tiny miracle after another unfold in our lives.  We began praying that we would learn to trust Him more, and that He would make it OBVIOUS to us (continuously) where we needed to go and be and to relieve us from anxiety.

Sir is still waiting for a job, but by the grace of God and His working through some really awesome people, we’re doing a lot better than we thought we would be.  When bills seem to get a little too close and begin to crunch in, something comes our way – an unexpected envelope of money, a few groceries – even gifts to keep our spirits high.

We were so terrified of losing our home in the beginning, and are now realizing that we’d be better off in a different place, surrounded by people who do more than just passively love us.

I was scared we’d both have to take up jobs and leave our girls with someone else to raise while we worked, and found a wonderful job I never thought could exist – a job that allows me to stay at home as much as I want but surrounds me with wonderful TRULY Christian people and in a ministry where I can go into work and KNOW that I’m making a difference.  It’s a job that was OBVIOUSLY made FOR me.  It takes every interest I have and joins them into one perfect position.

We didn’t know if our marriage would survive this extra hardship.  We were trying so hard to get past some other really deep wounds, and this situation alone is enough to tear some couples apart.  But, it’s made us stronger.  Together.

This situation has brought people into our lives that we couldn’t imagine living without, now.

It seemed like the end of the world, but really?  It was just a disguised miracle.  It was an answered prayer – a prayer we hadn’t even prayed yet.

So, my dear friend…I’m thinking of you today as I write this.  I hope you see this as the disguised miracle it is and the great opportunity it could be.  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:1
And, I’m here.  Waiting and listening whenever you need me.  You can do this, I know you can.  You’re never alone.  I love you.

Dear Rora and Lala,

Your daddy and I couldn’t imagine our lives without you both in them.  You are both growing so much and we love watching you both develop into your own little persons.

Lala, you are about 2 1/3 years   You are learning about MINE – but, you’re also learning that not everything is yours.  You still love to share with others, especially when you’re wanting to share MY COOKIE.  (But, that’s okay.  I couldn’t think of anyone better that I’d like to share my cookies with.)  You finally figured out how to jump, and have become quite the gymnast with all of your jumping, rolling and dancing.  You have a servant’s heart and are constantly just wanting to help, whether it’s chores or making someone else’s “boo-boo” all better.  Unfortunately, your favorite food right now is hot dogs with mustard and ketchup and nothing else.  That, and crackers.  You would eat crackers all day long if we let you.  Your favorite song is… P-p-poker face (by Lady Gaga).  You ask us to turn it on the radio often, and luckily we haven’t bought the cd for you.  Can’t you learn to love amazing grace or something?  You know…wholesome song and lyrics I actually can sing to you?  You are beginning to really make outside relationships now.  Besides Mimi and Pa, you’ve really taken to “Aunt” Amanda.  She’s one of the first adults I’ve seen you take to in this degree.   We’re working on your ABCs  and  numbers (1-10) and learning  (and drawing) CIRCLES.  You love swimming in the pool (or bathtub) and you still love reading.  You love your 80 bazillion baby dolls (although I think it’s time we thin your collection out a bit) and like to “cook” for them with your mini set of pots and pans.  You adore your baby sister and are such an excellent helper.  Occasionally you get in trouble, but for the most part you are wonderful and sweet.  (Thanks for that.)

Rora, you’re 3 1/2 months old and besides eating and sleeping, you are one giggly and smiley baby!  You love to squawk and grin as you try to stand up.  You hold your head up really well and love practicing.  You don’t spit-up anything like your sister did as a baby and I’m convinced it’s the difference in what we’re feeding you (breastmilk vs. formula).  You love being held and at times seem a little more fussy than your sister did at your age, but I think that has a lot to do with situational things.  Like, with Lala, she was already in her own crib by now.  And, with you, we realized time goes by WAY TOO FAST…so you get to stay with us for a while longer.  – That, and I really don’t think I could walk through the land-mine that is your sister’s room and safely breastfeed you and put you back to sleep by morning.  And, I do love watching you sleep.  You are a big cuddler and I love waking up to you snuggled up to me, your tinyness fitting snuggly against me, with your arm thrown over your face or behind your head.  Gosh.  Can you please stop growing so fast?

Girls, things are about to change in some pretty huge ways.  And, while it may not turn out quite like we’re hoping it will, I hope you can look back and just know we’re trying our best.

I love you – to infinity and beyond.

Mama

There is a part of me that wants to document and sift through the plethora of feelings and thoughts looming over me.  Then, there is the rest of me that wants to hunker in the dark corner, silent – waiting for the dark waters to cover me and end the intense struggle.  Today, emotions are raw and the deeper I dig, the more hurt I feel.  It seems like one corner after another, my life is flipping over on itself.  And, each time I find myself talking myself off of a ledge.

No.

No.

No.

I won’t go back there.  Not to that place.  I can’t.  I’m stronger than this.

At least, that’s what I want to believe, despite the tears rushing down my feverish cheeks.

I sit in a chair, holding a friend’s hand, trying my best to comfort her.  But, no words can be said to fix the lifetime of hurt she’s accumulated and collected that is now spewing forth onto the table.  I hold her hand and hug her and tell her I love her.  And then I just sit.  I listen.  And I love her silently.  She struggles through tears of her own to tell me how unfair things have been and if she could just be in a different situation – a situation she describes that would remarkably look like mine…at least, on the surface.

And then I want to shake her awake, or at least mumble “Be careful for what you wish for…”

Instead I sit, listening.

She feels the world caving in, a little at a time, and her shoulders are so worn and ragged she doesn’t know how to take another step.  She feels like she’s alone in the midst of a crowd of people, and that she has to be everyone’s everything and that it’d just be easier if…

she could be me.

I tell her that we all hurt and we all have our dark and dirty little secrets that make us cry at night.  I tell her that for every happy face she sees, there are most likely bleeding hearts inside.  Awful, but true.

She laughs at me, her sweet eyes mocking me.  To her, I couldn’t possibly know the pain she felt.

My heart shreds a little and I feel my tongue glueing itself to the roof of my mouth.  If I were to begin saying what’s on my heart right now, I’d surely bury her in the rubble of it all.  This was her time.  I tried to smile, although it came out more like a wince.

“I don’t have words for you,” I told her.  “Just love.”

Because what do you tell a person when you don’t know yourself?

What do you say when the truths you were so sure of turned out to be pretty little deceptive lies laced in gold and diamonds?

What do you say when you’re clinging to the last shred of hope, yourself?

What do you do when they’re drowning, but your own life preserver seemingly floated away?

I’d hold your hand and walk it with you if you weren’t so busy pushing me away, insisting I could never understand.

Maybe, just maybe…did you ever wonder if I was the one that needed to hold your hand?

The fresh arrangement of violets and blues spill over the vase, creating a rainbow of soft indigo petals lusciously grouped together.  A small tag, attached with silver ribbon flutters in the breeze of the open window.  As you read it, you smile.  He’s quoted a lyric of your favorite song and in one line made you feel like the most special girl on Earth.  Your fingers brush against the new lacy camisole you bought and your thoughts drift to the plans you’ve made for him once he gets home for work.

You can almost smell the seductive scent as if you were there now.  You can almost touch his muscles as they flex, and you can’t help but smile at him  as wraps his arms…

around the big box of his crap that you just asked him to move upstairs for the umpteenth time.

****

When the wedding dress goes on and the rings and vows are exchanged, you are automatically (whether you like it or not) entering into a very special club.  It’s a club with all sorts of perks, and the waiting list is long to join, so it seems.  And, once you have, a special message arrives:

“Congratulations!  You’re married!   Hope you enjoyed the sex while you had it, because it’s OVER!  SUCKA!”

That, at least, seems to be the popular view on the subject.

It seems like before a marriage even begins, it’s cursed with negativity.  Not only is it assumed to be the Christian American way that sex in marriage must be rare, but it also must be B-O-R-I-N-G!  Yet, on the big screens, unwed teenagers are having the sex of their lives (supposedly) … often.

It’s kind of funny (except not really).  After some extensive conversations with some of my girlfriends, it’s clear that it seems to be pretty par for the course for a couple to date…have sex…get married…and, then Pbbttt.  It comes to a screeching halt.  Not because she doesn’t like sex.  Not because he doesn’t want it.  Just because…they’re married?  What?

HE wants to know how often he can get it and SHE wants to know how much she MUST put out.  HE doesn’t understand what the problem is – after all, they used to do it with no complaint before marriage and SHE doesn’t understand how she went from being his beloved and cherished to something more akin to something that merely belonged to him.  He doesn’t understand what her problem is, and she misses the sweet gestures and feel under-appreciated and used.

There are no longer attempts to impress and woo, just silent expectations coming from both sides.

No wonder marriages are failing left and right.  Actually, I’m a bit surprised that more marriages aren’t having an even greater decline.

As young couples, many of us go through marriage preparation courses – courses that edge close into the topic of sex within marriage but then STOP.  Abruptly.  Pulling back quickly as if a diseased monster just rared it’s head back.  We’re not taught what to expect or how to handle the upcoming challenges in or having to do with the bedroom.  Instead, we’re supplied with a vast array of negative remarks having to do with sex (or the lack thereof) in the marriage bed.

So, does this bring us to the conclusion that SEX IN MARRIAGE IS NOT OKAY?

Phyllis and Glenn Hill think so.  Because, they believe it’s AMAZING!  In their recent book, Sex In Marriage Is Not Okay – It’s Amazing, Phyllis and Glenn Hill explore sexuality in the Christian marriage and what it has become and what it was meant to be – and the stark differences between them.  They venture to say the things we’ve all been thinking but so afraid to say and answer some of the toughest questions that even our own churches refuse to answer for us.  In one book, they manage to cover a sticky topic with great advice and guidance that is enough to change lives and bedroom…activities.  Ahem.

This book?  Is the awesomeness.  And, there’s no way I’m going to spoil it on here.  You’re going to have to read it for yourself.  Learn what others have taken a lifetime to learn.  Allow yourself to fast-forward the mistakes and negativity and get straight to the happy ending.  Heh.

Right now, they’re actually offering a limited special … you can buy a book for yourself and then bless a friend…for the price of one.

Because, dude.  Just because you’re married and a Christian, you aren’t entitled to monotonous vanilla sex.  It’s because you are married Christians that you are entitled to some of the best sex of your lives.  Because, that’s the gift that God meant it to be.

Sex In Marriage Is Not Okay – It’s Amazing! (Or, should be.  Is yours?)