Yesterday, I gathered vegetable scraps, leaves, and lawn clippings, filling our compost almost 3/4 of the way.  Together, Lorelei and I took turns dumping the matter into the bin and then took a stroll through the garden in an attempt to teach her how to not trample the produce beginning to make its way up.  Then, we sat on the brick patio as I filled our bird feeders and Lorelei investigated the fallen seeds against the bricks.  We practiced counting, numbering each flower and shoe and bug that lay in our path.  We laughed and giggled and tickled and made faces til our cheeks hurt.  And soon, it was naptime.  I changed her from the cloth diaper to a night time diaper and tucked her beneath her pink strawberry sheets.

There was a thump from another room, and as I kissed Lorelei, I wondered what it was the cats had gotten into.  I could hear Aurora as she began to cry and my chest began to hurt, letting me know it was time to feed her again.

Smiling, I opened the door from one child’s room to the next.  Adjusting my eyes to the light difference, confusion embraced me.  Aurora’s cry was louder now, but it wasn’t coming from the middle of the bed where we’d left her nestled in a Queen sized space.  It sounded almost like it was coming from beside the bed.  My heart stopped – and then, it proceeded to fall out of my body.  The blanket that had covered Aurora no longer held the shape of her little body and lay a little too flat against the bed.  I pushed the nausea and panic back as I rushed around the bed.  She lay on her side, too close to the bedside table, her arms and leges flailing and her little cries penetrating my soul.

I scooped her tiny body into my arms and she immediately stopped crying as she snuggled her head into my neck, pulling me closer with her tiny arm.  I looked her over carefully, taking note of her eyes, nose, mouth, ears, and focus.  I wiggled her arms and legs carefully, making sure everything moved smoothly without pain.  Although everything seemed fine, I couldn’t push the gruesome thoughts lurking behind my brain – What if she has a brain bleed?  What if it’s an internal bleed?  What if it’s something I can’t see right now and we think she’s okay but she isn’t.  What if I’m holding her now but what if …

I dialed the physician’s number and exhaled, realizing as I pushed “3″ by the voice menu prompt that I had been holding my breath.  There was no answer.  Just an answering machine.

Cradling Aurora in my arms, I rocked her back and forth as I nursed her.  She’d stopped crying long ago, but it was me who needed the comfort.  Babies weren’t supposed to roll and crawl, yet.  At 4 weeks, they’re supposed to be fairly immobile.  4 week old babies just aren’t supposed to fall off the bed….

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(NOTE:  Aurora is fine.  The nurse called back and after answering a checklist of questions about her physical appearance and reactions, she told us we’d just need to watch the soft spot for bulging (a sign of bleeding and swelling).  But, she is fine.  Praise God.)

Welcome back!

As a child, I dreamed of being a mommy and a teacher.  I just knew I’d have the perfect set of identical twins plus one and I’d have a fairytale marriage in a fairytale life and all would be…like a fairytale.

In high school and college, I dreamed of becoming a psychiatrist and opening my own facility for children – or perhaps, for girls and women.  I dreamed of $80, 000 a year paychecks, a big home, and a lovely family with 2 kids in a beautiful city by the beach.  My dreams included a housekeeper and snazzy brand new clothes and monthly vacations.  Somewhere in my dream, there was also an in ground pool.  And, a vacation home or three…

Now, I dream of a charming but small-ish white farm house with a wrap around porch and a wood fireplace nestled on a hill on my 15 acres of organic farm land.  I dream of beekeeping and raising goats, sheeps, chickens, and someday, even cows, pigs, and the like.  I dream of a constantly closer relationship with God, and a marriage that can not be broken.  I dream of 5 kids and cute consignment clothes where I just snagged a Banana Republic top for $5 and without original tags.  I dream of cloth diapering and learning to water my plants with one of the many ponds on our land.  I dream of learning to be self sufficient and teaching my children true values and how to get what we need from the Earth without completely stripping her.  I dream of fresh food straight from our backyard and fresh baked scones and hand-whipped cream.  I dream of raspberry tea on the porch swing, talking to a good friend.  I dream of traveling – but not always to the richest corners of the Earth.  Sometimes, I dream of traveling just to touch the heart of someone else.

My dreams have changed.  I have changed.

And, had you asked me even just 5 years ago about where I would be now, I would’ve never imagined I’d be on this path.  Life is beautiful…  Sometimes, we just fail to recognize it except in hindsight.

OR TODAY , Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Outside my window…  is grass that needs to be mowed.  And a growing garden…and warmness!

I am creating… cards, memories, a compost pile, working bird feeders (just filling feeders ) , hummingbird juice, and…