It’s taken me about 20 years, but I’ve learned something about relationships and friendships in life:

You can’t depend on other’s to make you happy.  You have to learn to be happy with just you, first – otherwise, it’ll never work.

But, that’s where I have trouble.  I open my heart and I love people with all I have.  I’ve learned to not have high expectations and that relationships (no matter what kind) represented in the movies and on television are just someone else’s fantasies.  I’ve learned that real relationships usually will involve some sort of betrayal at least once and will carry many disappointments.  The key?  –Is realizing you’re both human and being ready to forgive.

I’ve got that.  Or, at least I understand it.

But, it’s when I see my friends all gathering together around a table, celebrating and laughing, in a place I wasn’t invited…

It’s when I see a friend reaching out to others in the most loving ways when my life seems so shattered too, except I’m standing all alone…

It’s when parties are had and I’m invited…to just look at the pictorial evidence only after the fact…

It’s when I confide in you my deepest darkest secrets, but you take your heart breaks and triumphs and tell the world so that I may hear only the echoes off the walls…

It’s when I try so hard to love, to listen, to support, and to make others feel loved…

…and I feel so…

…unworthy

…unaccepted

…unloved

…unimportant

…in your life, when some of you are such an important part of mine…

And then, I feel so stupid for hoping, for wondering, but all the same I feel it all.

Welcome back!