I’m still pregnant.

That, and the whole “she’ll come when she’s ready” thing?  It’s getting old.  Like a geezer in plaid pants and suspenders old.

That’s all for now.  I’m going to go sit on a ball and read now.

Welcome back!

I remember my very first car-ride as a new mom – we were on our way home from the hospital, and it was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.  For the first time, my baby was not only outside of me, but we were leaving the confines of a well-protected area and venturing out into the “big world” with cars and reckless drivers and such.

That was the longest 50-minute ride home I have ever had.

As I held her hand, my over-active imagination saw each and every possible calamity that could happen from our starting point to our home.  I’m not sure how I maintained by consciousness during that ride home because I’m pretty sure I held my breath almost the entire way.

I smile as I remember back to holding her little body in my arms.  I remember how she was tiny and we were scared to hold her at first, scared we’d break her – my brother and dad took a while to warm up to holding her while not sitting down, even.  And, then I look back at motherhood in general during those days, and forward…and I can see the changes.  For me, being a new mother has been much like a dance, where I’m continuously learning the next steps and becoming more confident with my abilities as a mom.

During Lorelei’s first few months of life, I was terrified to just leave her.  It took weeks before I would leave her for a few hours, and then even more time before I finally left her for an entire night.  I actually remember that night.  My parents wanted to keep her for the night, and I wanted them to – yet, the fear of WHAT IFs just wouldn’t leave my head.  WHAT IF SHE NEEDED ME?  WHAT IF SHE DIED FROM SIDS OR SOMETHING AND I WASN’T THERE?  WHAT IF?  WHAT IF?  After about 30 minutes of rehashing “the plan” for almost any conceivable emergency, I walked out of their door with tears running down my cheeks.  “You don’t have to do this, and you don’t have to do it tonight, you know,” my mother said.  “I know,” I replied, “but, I have to do it sometime.”

The second time was not quite as hard and the third got even easier.  After that, I missed her before I even left but things were much easier and I was finally able to enjoy the free couple time that came with your child being watched by someone else you trusted dearly.

But, the dance went on and I began to grow in other ways as I came face to face with situations that I wasn’t entirely sure how to handle.

As a child, I had HORRID allergic reactions – and, while most of my reactions were environmental rather than food (with a few exceptions), I knew that if Lorelei were to get my allergies, it was possible that they could show up in any form and with even worse consequences.  So, for the first 18 months of her life, she was carefully introduced to new foods and I was set against offering her candy, soda, or any other junk food just yet.  This was something that not everyone agreed fully with me on.  I’m still not entirely sure those who disagreed fully understood my reasoning, but their actions against my wishes infuriated me.  I felt that she was too young for junk food, and since we hadn’t introduced it yet, she didn’t want it.  Of course, she’d take it…but she wasn’t asking FOR IT, specifically.  She still preferred healthier things – like juice and fruits.  Furthermore, I couldn’t see the reasoning behind giving my child foods that were simply not good for her and could only further damage the resistance her immune system had built up, making her more prone to allergies.  As a new mother, I made it clear where I stood on the issue, and with every too-early offering of a finger dipped in peanut butter or a spoonful of chocolate ice cream or a swig of soda while they thought I couldn’t see, I became angrier and felt more and more like my own ideas about parenting MY CHILD were not only not being taken seriously, but were also being all-together ignored.

There was also the season of parenting where I was extremely picky with whom Lorelei was allowed to spend the night with.  To be frank, I took parenting seriously and my mind reeled at the notion that children were mostly indestructible.  I realize that sometimes children live in spite of their parents, but those weren’t necessarily the people I wanted in charge of my child’s health and well-being – especially while she was at the fragile age of having to depend on everyone to decode every cry and whimper for her.  In particular, I remember a suggestion to let my infant daughter sleep on pillows on a chair and I remember my breath sucking up through my chest.  I’d read the baby books and SIDS terrified me.  I countered the suggestion with what I’d read, only to be laughed at told that they’re children turned out just fine.  But, that wasn’t good enough for me.  It wasn’t a chance I was willing to take with the miracle that I’d fought so hard for, the life that had been entrusted to me.

Then, there was the season of parenting  where I cared so much about everyone thought.  I sifted through views and ideas about things from toxins in our environment to vaccination to organics, and I had to choose where I would stand with each.  At first, each time I was met with a conflicting view or a disapproving glance, I’d run back to the information, just to read it again.  Each time, I’d feel like the most awful parent for choosing something that was perhaps not “main-stream” thought and practice.

There were other seasons too…seasons of feeling like I wasn’t good enough, seasons of feeling like certain people didn’t have time for us in their busy lives, seasons of learning to dance my dance around other people’s dances, seasons of good, and seasons of bad…all seasons of learning.

Soon, we’ll be the blessed parents to yet another beautiful daughter, and while I know this time will be different, I believe it will be much the same.  My dance has evolved, but it is still much like the one I began with, only more refined and a little less clumsy.

This time, I won’t have to close my eyes with dread on the way home, fearing the worst.  This time, I’ll be able to let my little one spend the night with her grandparents and walk out the door without having to focus on moving forward just to keep from running back to her.  But, this time… I still won’t let her have soda and I still won’t let her have foods before I believe she’s ready.  Her intake on junk food and chocolates and possible allergens will be limited, just the same.  This time, I’ll stand strong in my beliefs and demand respect for MY parenting skills, too.  I don’t disrespect other’s beliefs, nor do I try to change them, but when it comes to MY child I want my ideas and wishes to be respected.  This time, I’ll still be a little leery letting her spend the night out and will probably need to go over “just in case plans,” but I’ll be able to do it.

And, this time?  I’ll realize that no matter how involved I want people to be in our lives -or how I think they should be, it’s ultimately their choice.  This time I’ll try to remember that not everyone will want or be committed to having a close relationship with my daughters, and that not everyone will bond with them the way I think is best…but, it’s their way.  And, as long as I’m being respected and my daughters are safe, I’ll let go a little more.

Because the dance will be fabulous one day, I’m getting better and better each and every day…

There’s a little known fact that I tend to keep from people about myself and my husband, and that is that we don’t really answer our door much. We live out in the middle of nowhere and pretty much NEVER get people knocking on our door. So, we figure if someone comes knocking that we didn’t expect, it’s probably nobody that we know – and quite possibly someone that has no business being in our home. We’re a total buzz-kill for door to door salesmen, I’m sure.

That, and half the time I’m wearing either no pants or … well, in some other way not really dressed for company. –Which has little to do with erotic fantasies and everything to do with my distaste for doing laundry. (Wear less, wash less. Plus, it makes my clothes last longer, right?)

But then, a few days ago, someone parked in our driveway and walked right up to the door and….knocked. I know *GASP* THE AUDACITY! Steven, apparently thinking it was a mass murderer zoned in on our home during broad daylight ran for the bedroom (where I was sitting in a towel because I’d just gotten out of the shower – because this is how my timing ALWAYS works) and collected his gun. He stuffed it down the back of his pants and proceeded to one of the front windows to spy through the cheap plastic mini blinds.

I thought he was going to answer the door.

I began frantically getting dressed, replaying our bills through my head. I was pretty sure we’d paid them all so SURELY nobody was here to collect or turn off something. Hmm.

Then it hit me. What if they brought us food? We can’t not let them in if they bring food or presents! I peer through the blinds as I struggle to get the shirt over belly monster. As far as I could tell there was no cake…unless like Steven, he was keen to stuffing things down the back of his pants – and while I understood the weapon, I just couldn’t imagine collecting food from someone else’s pants. I mean, I don’t know him THAT well.

There was another knock at the door. I hissed a few words at Steven, something to the effect of WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? YOU HAVE A GUN!” and continued to try to get pants up over my butt (which is a task all in itself these days…not to mention with only one hand!)

“I THINK IT’S ONE OF THE MASON-GUYS” he whispered back. “WHAT, DO YOU THINK THEY’RE HERE TO COLLECT YOUR HEAD FOR NOT PAYING DUES?” I mean, sure…we’d kind of slacked on the dues but we DID have a good reason. “I DON”T REALLY THINK SO. HE’S NOT WEARING AN APRON OR A FUNNY SHEEP HEAD.”

I don’t know exactly what a free-mason would wear to come make collections, or if they’d prefer toes over heads for their stash, but I could imagine a sheep head and apron would make the perfect attire. Or, that’s what I think I would wear, at least.

“JUST OPEN THE DOOR! SEE WHAT HE WANTS!” I whispered to Steven. “WAIT. ON SECOND THOUGHT, DON’T. IT COULD BE CHILD SERVICES!”

Steven stopped peering through the blinds for a moment to look at me. “YOU CALLED CHILD SERVICES?”

Yeh. Sometimes I get bored and prank call them. Um, obviously NO I DIDN’T CALL THEM but he’s not wearing a sheep head or bringing food, who else could it possibly be?

UPDATE: He finally left our house and went to the other houses in our neighborhood. I’ve surmised that he was most likely a secret undercover agent and was interrogating our neighbors. At first, I figured he was the grim reaper, but everyone seems to still be alive, so that CLEARLY can’t be it.

No baby yet.  *Sigh*

This week at my appointment, I’d really hoped they would’ve told me I had progressed SOMEHOW, that I was either dilated more (I’ve been 1 cm dilated since last week) or effaced.  Something.  But, there was no change.  Steven will be going out of town soon and it scares me that I could go into labor without him.  Not that I couldn’t do it without him, but because I WANT him there.  I need him there for support.  Besides, who else can I make rude gestures and remarks towards that will actually think it’s kind of funny?  He’s the only person I can think of that I can threaten to stab his liver with a dull spoon and he finds it HUMOROUS – regardless of how serious I may be at the moment.  This is one of the reasons I love him.

So, I was hoping I’d basically progress on my own or be induced before he went out of town, thereby canceling his trip OR well…canceling the trip so he’d be with me and there’d be NO chance that I could have the baby over the few days he would be gone into a high security area with no cell phone service as a huge possibility – and miles away.

But, my doctor said I hadn’t progressed – DESPITE the fact that I all but drank 80 gallons of red raspberry leaf tea, squatted like a duck, and all but begged my husband to please just hurry up and have sex with me (and do it fast), because this baby needs to GET OUT NOW.  He’s been a trooper, let me tell you.  But, he understands…he was hoping he’d get to skip the “out of town engagement” as well.

Instead, I’m still 1 cm but have miraculously grown to 124 lbs.  This HAS to be water weight, now.  HAS to be.  I’ve been drinking TONS of water and herbal tea and MAN.  We won’t mention my last two trips to the chocolate factory.  Nope we won’t.  The rash is gone for now.  I ended up going to the doctor a day early last week and got a prescription refilled for the cream I had earlier in the pregnancy.  It took the stuff like 3 days to kick it, and I’m proud to say that I’m no longer slimy feeling…OR itchy!  I also think my skin is beginning to go back to it’s original state – more of a combination rather than “dry” and scaly…thank heavens!

False labor comes and goes here and there but mostly stops when I get up.  Mostly.  And, it never really gains intensity.  Except this morning.  THIS morning was contractions in my tummy rather than my back and felt more like knives instead of cramping and wowza, they hurt.  My legs and feet ached like crazy..but it all went away after a bit.  At this point, I really wish she’d come – but, I wish the contractions would either be the real thing…or not.  It’s killing my sleeping habits…you know, the habit of sleeping at night time?!

And, somehow…I’ve still been able to avoid the dreaded AWFUL heartburn I had last time.  Granted, I’ll get little twinges here and there but it’s NOTHING like I had with L.  Oh, and my favorite breakfast right now is homemade whole wheat waffles with carmelized bananas.  YUM.  Steven makes them for me and well, YUM.  I used to make these for Lorelei when she was a wee one and didn’t throw her food at me.

This past Tuesday, a friend of mine invited some of my closest friends to one of my favorite restaurants and it was soooo wonderful!  I love getting together with them all and was excited to be able to share that time with them since we all end up really busy with our own families.  Then, to top it off, they paid my check AND showered me with some VERY well thought out goodies!  These ladies know me – each and every gift was PERFECT.  I’m telling you.  PERFECT.  EACH ONE.  I’m so incredibly blessed and love them all so very much!

—–

And, now for something new:

————————THANKFUL THURSDAYS——————————–

Funny conversations.  Great friends who truly know you.   A husband who will wake up in the middle of the night just rub my back and sit with me when I’m hurting.  A God who loves me no matter what.  My crazy-awesome doula whom I LOVE.  Chocolate Factory Fudge.  Flamingo Row Shipwrecks.  My parents and brother and the rest of my family – some of the most loving and generous people I know.  My father-in-law, who would drop everything to come and see us.  Lorelei’s sweet kisses, hugs, and smiles.  The best church-family ever.  Indoor plumbing.  A place to let go.  Ability to hear with my heart even when my head won’t shut up.

…and for second and third and billionth chances…

Soon, we’ll have a brand new baby around and we’re trying to implement small changes to help Lorelei cope when her new sister is here. From a brand new “big girl bed” to some awesome toys we’ve stowed away (so they’ll seem new), we’ve been making little changes. In addition, we’ve given her more opportunities to help out around the house and to do things that “big people” do.

It was only a matter of time before we found her her own baby wrap.

Moby makes this great mini wrap especially for toddlers and young kids – although it’s NOT meant to actually carry their baby siblings, of course. The last time Lorelei actually saw my wrap out was last summer, and she was riding IN it, so she was a little confused when I first put it on her. It didn’t take her long, though, to stuff her frog – and any other random toy – into the fabric.

I’m really hoping that once Aurora is here, Lorelei’s mini wrap will help her feel included in the fun as she role plays with her dolls rather than feel excluded because I can no longer carry her, too.

WANT ONE?

My sweet and wonderful daughter has been overtaken by gremlins. Or something…

Maybe it’s just the terrible twos, but oh-my-freakin-gosh.

In .3 seconds, she goes from running around the house, playing and laughing like a little cute insane person to

AGGGGHHHH!!!! Screaming her lungs out, throwing herself to the floor (even off steps)..and the latest?

Slapping me in the face. (And, no. We do NOT slap her nor has she EVER seen either of us slap each other.) Granted – the look on my face after she slapped me (I had asked her for a kiss beforehand) seemed to be enough of a punishment (although I added in some words about how we do NOT do that here). She quickly gave me a kiss (her idea) and began chattering happily again.

I knew this would all come. I know it’s a developmental stage. I know it’s normal. I know it will pass.

But dear sweet baby Jesus please give me patience or give me a really really good cocktail.

So, excuse me while I RE-childproof the house for not only an infant, but a toddler who enjoys throwing herself from the last two carpeted steps and then WAILS until she realizes we’re pretending to not notice and who has begun throwing things and climbing things. Excuse me while I try to not go crazy and begin to re-evaluate all of the common-sense stuff I’m supposed to be doing to make this period of time a little more bearable for both of us.

Hopefully our parenting skills won’t totally scar the 4 of us.

(Feel free to offer actual helpful advice – like, you know…specifics. Or drink recipes. I’m game for either. Please DON’T tell me how it will pass, it’s like telling a really wet person that someday it’ll stop raining and not offering to share an umbrella. Not helpful.)

This year, the population of mosquitoes and ticks promises to be even WORSE than last year in our area. Unfortunately, that leaves almost no place to hide since we live in a very wooded area – which is beautiful, save for the crawlies that my daughter and I happen to be allergic to!

Every year around this time, I begin to look forward to summer with mixed emotions. I’m so ready for swimming and sunshine and hiking and blooms – but the thought of large swollen mosquito bites and tiny hidden ticks is enough to make me consider packing my bags and heading down to Florida. Indefinitely.

This year promises to be a little different, though. This year, I learned about a company called Nature’s Balance Care, who makes not only an awesome insect repellent (organic!) for both kids and adults, but an entire animal line as well! Most of you who know me know how AGAINST the idea I am of putting harmful substances like DEET on my children. Unfortunately, until now I have been hard pressed to come up with a solution to the bug problem out here that even stands a chance. Well, until Nature’s Balance Care, that is.

This insect repellent doesn’t contain DEET, Resmethrin, Pyrethrum or neuro-toxic chemicals. The company claims that it’s safe enough to eat, but will repel pesky mosquitoes, flies and blood sucking insects. AND, as if that’s not enough alone to make you want to buy this product, it’s also made with natural skin conditioners which leaves your skin feeling soft and smooth rather than sticky or oily – and it leaves your senses refreshed with lavendar, geranium, lemongrasss, and other natural botanical ingredients.

Want Yours? Go HERE.

Ingredients:

1/4 c butter
2 T olive oil
1 tsp coarse salt
1/4 tsp ground black pepper
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 lb fresh asparagus spears, trimmed

Directions:

Melt butter in a skillet over medium-high heat.  Stir in th eolive oil, salt, and pepper.  Cook garlic in butter for a minute, but do not brown.  Add asparagus, and cook for 10 minutes, turning asparagus to ensure even cooking.

It started Sunday night as a rash about the size of a frosting can lid.  It looked like she’d been bitten and then had an allergic reaction (like how my body reacts).  We did the tylenol and benadryl thing and bathed her and made a paste out of baking soda to take the heat out of it.

Next day, it was gone.

Only it wasn’t.  It seemed to have migrated and multiplied – because now it was on the other side of her hip and under her arms and around them.

Right, that’s not a bug bite.  Spiders and mosquitoes don’t do that.

Actually, we couldn’t think of anything that did that.

It definitely looked like an allergic reaction, but to what?  Clearly not bug bites.  And, save for some bubbles and Easter ham, she hadn’t really been in contact with anything much new.

So, we kept up the benadryl and she seemed to be doing good.  Then she skipped supper.  She wouldn’t let Gigi put her down and she wouldn’t stand on her left foot.  She refused a hamburger and a hotdog.  She REQUESTED bed.  She’d cry and whine for no obvious reason.  And then we pulled her shirt up, and there were more spots.

It took us a good 45 minutes before we decided to go to the ER.  We know they typically don’t know what the heck they’re doing and basically any ER worth going to is 45 minutes away.  That, and we haven’t met our deductible on insurance yet.  Then again, if this was allergies, I knew enough from my own personal experiences to know I didn’t really want to mess with it on my own.  So much can happen so quickly.

In 45 minutes, her rash over doubled.

And, in the end the ER doctor wasn’t really sure WHAT caused it but was fairly certain that we’d been right and it was hives.  We just don’t know what they came from.  So, a huge steroid shot later and more benadryl and steroid meds to go, our little munchkin is on her way to feeling better.

Ever. So. Slowly.  One cuddle and movie with daddy at a time.

It’s crazy to not have a doctor appointment today.  I’ve had my appointments on Tuesdays right after lunch pretty much since I became pregnant!  I thought for sure I’d have trouble remembering the appointment, but then there’s the whole I DON’T GET OUT MUCH thing, so this is like my big outing.  Yeh, sad, I know.  I look forward to Walmart trips too, and I know that makes me weird, too. 

Anyhow, at 37 weeks…

Occasional back-ache cramp type stuff go on.  Like period cramps, cept not.  Obviously.

Most days, I feel REALLY drained and exhausted and literally have no energy.  For anything.  You could tell me there was a cupcake on the counter and I wouldn’t even get up.  See?  THAT should tell you something.

The nausea.  It’s THISCLOSE to throwing up, but I don’t.  It’s random.  Sometimes it’s mornings, sometimes it’s during the day (like now), and sometimes it’s at night while I’m trying to sleep.  Sometimes it just kind of stays with me all dang day.  But, I don’t actually throw up.  The nurses have offered me more Zofran, but since I’m not losing lots of food and it’s mostly just a pain, I’d rather not take the extra medication.

The itchy rash.  It’s BACK!  The one that makes me want to peel my skin off.  They never really figured out what it was before, and I’m hesitant (again) to get the cream again just because I feel like it’s medicine that will also go to my baby and I really think I can tough it out for a few more weeks.  I’ll just whine all about it!  The doc’s office has since wished they’d gotten me in today rather than Thursday so they could check it out again but my calendar is kind of already full up until Thursday.

Standing hurts.  Sitting hurts.  Sometimes, even laying hurts.  I’m in the uncomfortable part now.  Sitting straight up makes me want to puke, and puts pressure where pressure isn’t really fun.  Standing feels like I’ve, what…got a kid’s head between my legs?  And, laying down gets uncomfy when the baby decides to lay all funky, taking my tummy with her and leaving me in a really weird position.

Tremors.  Actually, my belly (or should I say uterus?) has been VIBRATING occasionally.  I looked it up because when I ask people about it, I get weird looks.  It SERIOUSLY feels like she’s having seizures.  It’s not a wiggle or a roll or hiccups or little situating.  It lasts for like 10-15 seconds or so and is like seizures.  But then she acts fine.  I think L might have done this too and she’s perfectly fine.  So, yeh.  I don’t know what it is.

Vitamins make me sick, so I’m not really taking them right now.  (But I’ve upped my fruit/veggie intake)

I’m eating smaller meals more often.  Or trying.  I’m getting full-feeling faster.

Definitely have to pee alot.  As in frequently.  Like every 10 minutes sometimes.

I SO DID go buy a vinyl mattress cover because the thought of peeing in the bed or my water breaking in the bed freaks me out…only because this mattress is basically brand new and won’t fit in the washer.

The baby clothes have been brought downstairs and are now hanging on hangers.  Most of them.  …You know, the ones L hasn’t pulled off the hanger yet.

Everything else in this house looks like a disaster zone and I just want to sleep.  So, when do I get the surge of energy?  I have cloth napkins to make, a house to clean, and other stuff to make!  What the heck!

We still have a huge list of stuff to do… like pack the bags, install the carseat (and find the carseat), clean out the SUV, mow the shaggy lawn, and stuff like that.  Oh and clean the house.  Bleh.