Hello!  Well, I was told that I should probably have a birth plan and, to be honest I did: Have a baby.  But, the greater forces that be didn’t think that was good enough, so I logged on to a website that basically made one for me.  I threw that one away.  It was like 4 pages long and didn’t even have pictures or diagrams or anything.  So, I decided to make my own.

I know you already know my name and basic sexual history from my chart and all, but I heard that you should really make friends with the nurses - and, I just want you to know that I’m totally down with that.  Usually, I don’t really let my friends touch me in all the places you’re about to, but I understand.  I would like to request, though, that you at least chat me up a little beforehand, you know - so it doesn’t feel so cold and all.  Bonus points if you make funny kissy faces at me.

Also, I’d really appreciate it if maybe the student nurses could stay away from my va-jay-jay.  It’s not that I don’t want to be their friend, I just don’t want to feel like I should be selling theme park tickets.  You understand, right?

I realize all births are different, and therefore all moms probably have their own brand of crazy coming in, so I had a few things I thought we should discuss (if you have a really short attention span, please skip to page 3):

-  Please ask me before you go doing anything up in my hoo-ha.  I have this weird reflex of kicking and wouldn’t want to kick your head.  So, if you’re wanting to do something like strip my membranes, make sure I’m cool with it.  Thanks in advance.

-  If my water breaks before labor, I want to wait a while before being induced.  Like, 12 hours.  I promise I won’t take a bath or sit in any mud puddles in between.

-  Since I’m basically going to be displaying my goods all over the place, I’d really like some mood music and lighting.  Barry Mantilow is cool and all but I’m kind of thinking more along the lines of oceans and such.  And, I don’t want to set your alarms off, so I guess I can pass on the candlelight, but do you think we could maybe dim the lights a little?  I’ll bring the music if you’ll dim the lights *wink wink*

-  Can I please have two hospital gowns?  I’m thinking I might want to get up and try some different positions and I realize I probably won’t care THEN, but come on.  Help a girl out.

-  Can you please just ignore me if you see me take a swig of water?  I realize I can’t have buckets, but this is some hard work.  Ice chips just lose their cool factor after a while.

-  I know I’ll have to have an IV or a port or something, but for the most part I think it might be cool to be able to move should I feel the need.  It’s highly probable that I won’t feel the need, but I like to keep my options open.

-  I’ve decided that I don’t want an epidural.  The problem is I might change my mind.  Don’t listen to me.  Even if I plead or tell you I’m dying.  I really don’t want one, so just tell me they’re out or that someone ran over the anesthesiologist.

-  Since I’m not having an epidural, I might do some really weird things.  You know, like moo or cross my eyes and zone out.  I might even hop up like Elvis, grab my crotch and sing, I’m really not sure.  I’ve been reading some really hippy/crunchy books and who knows which set of advice I take.  You are more than welcome to moo with me, by the way.  Or, just moo at me.  I’ll think you’re hilarious and will probably bring you cookies when I come back.

-  I’m thinking I’d really like a mirror.  You know, so I can apply my chapstick and then make sure I’m pushing right and stuff.  It helped last time.

-  As far as episiotomies go, no thanks.  Unless of course, it’s a medical emergency…but still, ask before you do it, okay?

-  If my husband leaves with a limp or a black eye, he most likely just ran into the door or something.  Just ignore it.  It’s cool.

-  After my baby is born, I’d really appreciate it if you could not whisk her away but could maybe do all of the suctioning and wiping down while she’s laying on me?  And then I want to breastfeed before all of the “routine” stuff starts getting underway.

-  My husband wants to cut the cord, but if he gets all pansy-like, that is up for grabs.  My mom will probably bare her teeth and nails if you don’t let her do it though.  Just sayin’.   I’d also really appreciate it if you could wait until the cord stops pulsing to cut it.

-  Speaking of pansy-ing out - If my husband should get all dramatic and go unconscious, just gently move him over with the toe of your shoe.  Try not to kick him, or anything but DOOD, this is my day.  He can get his own nurses, or wait his turn.

-  Once my baby is born, please hold off any of the crazy family members that somehow used their ESP powers to find out I was there.  I’d really like to bond with her and my husband and establish breastfeeding before we take on any visitors.  If you need to, you have my permission to send them to the neurosurgery or general surgery waiting rooms.  At least it’ll buy me a little bit of time - plus it’d be kind of funny (obviously moreso for me, not them).

-  Since I’m breastfeeding, can you please not give my baby any sort of pacifiers or artificial nipples or formula?  I know you probably wouldn’t, but I just wanted to be sure in case when you talk to me next I’m all mumbly and you can’t quite decipher what I just said.

-  I’d love to give my daughter her first bath, by the way.  I brought some baby stuff, so please let me know if you guys are down with that.

-  I’m okay with the Vitamin K shot, eye goo, and PKU prick, but can we do that after the initial breastfeeding, please?

To RECAP:

Things might get a little weird.  Mooing, Elvis crotch grabbing, and the like.  (Confused?  You should’ve read the whole thing.)

No episiotomies

Please wait until the cord stops pulsing before it’s cut

No students touching me

Please ask before you do anything that will affect me or my baby.  You can do whatever you want to my husband.

I plan to breastfeed, so please no formula, nipples other than my own (artificial or not), or pacifiers

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