I can’t be sure I’ve really accomplished much, seeing as how my lists just keep growing and growing. I would just throw half the list away if it weren’t for the I MUST DO THIS OR THE WHOLE WORLD WILL COLLAPSE ON ME AND EAT MY EYEBALLS type of feeling I get. Suddenly, very trivial and slightly non-related tasks such as making a few cloth napkins are indeed important enough to decide whether or not my life can go on. I mean, if I don’t make them, what in the bloody hell will everyone wipe their hands on? Dish towels? Paper towels? PSHAW! THOSE don’t match my dining room. So OBVIOUSLY, those won’t work. What’s wrong with you people?

Ahem.

I met with my wonderful doula (and friend) earlier this week for a scrumptious lunch as she went over the birth and the 40 bajillion questions that I’d scribbled on a notepad in my purse. You know, stuff like - “Can I call you when I get gas pains at 2 am?” and “Do you know tae kwon do?” and the such. You know, normal questions. I had prepared a birth plan and had it all typed out and such but now, I basically need to start all over because apparently one really can take the phrase, “Be as detailed as possible” a bit too literally. I think I’m going to save this plan for me, and then make a separate plan for the hospital. Hmm…maybe I should also make a list of phrases Steven is allowed (and not allowed) to use in my general direction (like, “Oh come on Ashley! It’s not THAT bad!”) - that way, when I punch him in the gut, he’ll totally have been warned.

Right now, my birth plan is basically a long list of DO IT AND DIE sort of things beginning at the start of labor (which I’m hoping will be at home) and ending after Aurora is born. But my doula (I call her this because I’m not sure I’m allowed to use her real name here, yet. I know being associated with me - because I’m such a big deal and all - may result in unwanted paparazzi harassment and such…) seems to think I should actually make the list a little shorter as to not confuse (and bore) the nursing staff. Which is a really good point. I guess they really don’t need to know everything on the current plan (like, who is to be called when and the pre-hospital part) - and I should probably add pictures. Just in case. I’ve heard that sometimes the staff likes to trump your wants and requests with things like …oh, routines. Maybe I’ll even make it all 3D and give them special 3-D glasses to wear! I should probably make it bigger than the average hospital trash can, too…you know, so it doesn’t get “lost.” Which, it won’t because I plan to print like 80 copies and tack them to every door as I crawl through the OB ward in labor.

So, basically, I’ll have two plans - one for those who will be attending the actual WHOLE thing (mom, Steven, and ….the mystery lady/doula/friend) and then one for the nurses. The first one probably will look much like it does, and the second one will possibly have cool graphics and 3-D glasses on posterboard…

It mostly all boils down to ….

My vagina is mine and please ask me before you do anything that could adversely affect it, or the child-thing which will soon appear. Mmkay?

………

And then, I’m also working on the LABOR and TAKE TO THE HOSPITAL list. Which, will be two different things - one is just for the labor, and the other is the random overnight sort of stuff.

LABOR BAG

• lavender, peppermint, chamomile, and a citrus essential oil. Because OBVIOUSLY the room will need to smell good and they’re supposed to make me feel all magical and stuff. Like liquid fairy dust or something.
• birth ball. In case I get bored and feel like exercising, or need something else to throw - or, of course…I could always sit on it to help with labor pains. Whatever.
• socks. I don’t think I’ll need these, but I’m not sure. I think maybe I did wear them last time, and I just can’t remember. I plan on buying some really crazy fantastic ones. I mean, if all else fails I can always focus on my socks during labor.
• chapstick. Screaming your lungs out has this drying effect on your lips (for Steven). So does breathing (for me).
• lotion.
• Ponytail holder. For impromptu rubber band type fights…or of course for my hair.
• the ice pack for my neck. It’s actually this little snake-y looking thing that you can make warm or cold and it goes around your neck. I bought it in the middle of the mall at some point for hiking and haven’t used it but what…once? And it wasn’t while hiking.
• the water pack for my back. It wraps around and is supposed to be good for back cramps. Who knows, it could be handy.
• Whole grain banana nut bread, bottled water, and strawberries. I guess once I hit 35 weeks, I’ll be making 2 batches of the sugar free, high protein, whole grain, fruit bread every week JUST IN CASE. I also plan to take this to the hospital because I have authority issues and don’t like people telling me when I can or can not eat or drink. ALTHOUGH I really doubt I’ll want to eat much by the time I get to the hospital, but water? - I’ll definitely want that. I BEGGED for it last time.
• Camera and batteries and extra card. Do I really need to explain this one?
• pillow. Mostly for the car. Just in case.
• pen and paper. I might feel like doodling in between contractions? No, really…because sometimes I need to write at the weirdest times. And, I may need to make my hit list…you never know. Anyways, I’m sure it’ll come in handy.
• Mints. For everyone but me, because I don’t have to smell my own breath.
• My cell phone. What if I feel like making prank calls while mooing?
• For the car only : a small bucket, a couple of towels, walmart bags, hand sanitizer, and a pair of gloves. I like to be prepared.  The hospital is 50 minutes away.

THE OVERNIGHT BAG

• Pillow? I usually deal pretty well with flat pillows as long as I can stack a couple, but mine will be in the vehicle just in case.
• boppy. I’m just following the crowd here, they say I’ll need it.
• Nursing bra.
• Nursing pads. In case there is leakage. You never know.
• laptop and charger. Because I’m an addict and who knows, I may want to check the weather or something.
• charger for cell phone
• card reader for camera card
• car seat. I’m pretty sure it’s kind of illegal to strap the baby to the luggage rack.
• baby hats. Because they’re oh so cute
• the baby’s entire wardrobe in both Preemie and NB sizes (b/c she may be tiny like L was) and because we’ll be playing dress up (which also helps to convince people that we’re still alive when I do nothing but sleep the following week and can manage to post photos of A in a different outfit each day)
• baby shampoo and body wash. and lotion. Because I like mine better (it has less chemicals)
• a couple of lightweight scrumptious baby blankets
• a couple of non scrunchy going home outfits for me - and flip flops. My feet were so swollen after L was born, I couldn’t even wear the sneakers I’d brought.
• toiletries, hairbrush, and makeup. I probably won’t wear the makeup, but who knows. Word may get out and hit the mainstream media that I’m having a baby and, you know…
• 2 pair of underwear. Only because I feel weird not packing it, though because we all know I won’t be wearing it.

Any other ideas for things I should bring? Go ahead, hit me. Or, even with things I shouldn’t bring (even if it’s not on my list). It doesn’t have to be practical, I mostly just want to read the things you guys will come up with!

Welcome back!