I could probably actually do without posting this, seeing as how nothing is really new this week – but, then I’d kick myself later when I couldn’t find it while trying to look back.  So, I’ll list even the mundane just so I have something to go back to since I’m not keeping it noted in an actual pregnancy journal like I did last time.  I’ve been doing exceptionally well besides the normal (for me) pains and annoyances as my body tries to expand and accommodate in ways that makes it a little grouchy.  For the most part, laying down with pillows, water, and keeping my blood sugar helps.  And, when those don’t, tylenol PM will do the trick.  I’m still finding that if I’m on my feet or sitting a certain way for too long, I start hurting in my … uterus?  I keep wanting to say belly but that’d be pretty far off from which body part actually hurts.  Then, there’s the achey all over which is pretty standard (a pedicure w/ foot massage has never sounded so good!)  And, the pressure.  And, the itching (which is JUST dry skin due to weather and hormones, now).  My scalp and body are still dry and I’ve given up trying to use my all natural stuff on me since it takes both time and money just to find something I like and I was not satisfied with half of what I tried.  So, since $1 hair conditioner is way cheaper than $8, I’m going to go the cheaper and less healthy route for now since it’s doing the job –same with the other body stuff I use.  At least until my body decides to stop going all beserk.

Heartburn has pretty much disappeared for now and OH I am so thankful.  I make sure to take prenatal vitamins way early in the morning (not after 2 pm) and have been downing fruits and veggies every chance I get.  My appetite is generally pretty good except for the occasional off days where nothing much sounds good, but those are few.  I’m eating healthy and blah blah blah.  See, no real complaints.  Aurora is super active, though and I’ve learned not to screw with her by poking my belly a whole lot just to get her to move.  Turns out, the kid has control over some of my intestines and is at liberty to manipulate them so I’m sick.  She won’t be bullied, good for her.

Nesting?  Oh yes.  Definitely.  I was actually up at 4:30 am one morning scrubbing the floors on my hands and knees.  And then I went back to bed.  Soo much has to be done yet, and we don’t have several things still but I really hadn’t thought much about it til now.  I still have approximately 11 weeks, right?  Maybe?

Welcome back!

My mind has been on our planned garden for the past few weeks as I’ve been reading Animal Vegetable Miracle and compiling a list of things I’d like to see in it this year.  Although, I was pretty surprised when I headed over to our local university’s extension website to look at planting times this year.  One of the first ones listed was February 15th!  Holy Smokes!  That’s like, NOW!  (Although THAT date was a recommendation for a couple of plants we’d need to start indoors to be transplanted in about a month.)

Last year, I decided to garden and weeded through information and probably got more confused as I went along – and then I almost missed the planting dates.  Of course, my garden came in a little slower than many other’s but once it came in, it flourished!  (Which could also be explained by the fact I refused to use chemical fertilizers.)

This year, Steven has said he wanted in on the planning – and, I’m ecstatic!  Last year, I got the “Oh gaw” and eye rolls but when I mostly took care of it myself and provided us with a HUGE supply of fresh vegetables, he really saw how it impacted our finances.  It was really awesome to be able to decide you want a salad with supper and just walk out to the yard and pick whatever you wanted on it.  This year, I was hoping we’d be able to buy some of the “heirloom” vegetables, but I think I’ll wait on that until finances will allow.  Instead, I’m going to buy from the farm store and walmart again and see how many seeds I can start indoors, and then transplant those – which will save some cash, too (a few dollars here and a few dollars there…)

But, apparently…I have way less time than I originally thought!  My brain is still not used to thinking in garden rows and time tables, so I’m going to need to re-acquaint myself (and take good notes) on things like:

- The vegetable list.  It’s pretty much required that you know what you want in the garden before you start…

- The time table for things to be planted.  Hopefully this year we can have produce in all 3 seasons if I plan right!

- The number of seeds and sprouts I’ll need to buy for the garden based on what the average person eats.

- The carefully planned diagram of the garden which will show WHERE things go, with appropriate spots for vegetables that will stay for more than one season and those that need to be replaced.  And, attention to spacing since that varies with each vegetable.

I have a lot to do.  And, that’s just the planning!  All of that should put me at actually tilling this garden mid-march or very early April.  Although, I haven’t figured that out yet since only a few things are supposed to be planted mid march – and mostly everything else in April.

But, for now…here’s the list we’ve come up with.  Our wish list, if you will:
-Asparagus
-Brocolli
-Cabbage
-Corn
-Cucumber
-Green Beans
-Green Peppers
-Habanero Peppers
-Lima Beans
-Mushrooms (although we’ll probably just hunt for these while we hike)
-Mustard Greens
-Okra
-Potatoes (to be grown in a couple of clean trash cans outside)
-Pumpkins
-Red Peppers
-Rhubarb (crowns)
-Romaine Lettuce
-Roma Tomatoes (for homemade spaghetti sauces and such)
-Spinach
-Squash
-Sweet Peas
-Tomatoes
-Watermelons
-Winter Squash

And these fruits which will be grown separately: blackberries and strawberries

And, some herbs – which will go in pots this year, making it easier to bring them inside for the winter.  Plus they’ll be pretty on the patio

It’s true!  If you head on over to www.restuarant.com and enter the code PREZ in checkout, you can get $25 gift certificates for only $3!  You have until Thursday, February 19 to take advantage of this, so HURRY!

Being content in my life – especially as an adult – has been a struggle for me, a fine line between “just settling” and “being thankful and gracious.”

Marriage came with a lot of things, for me – and, it wasn’t necessarily the marriage itself but all of the responsibilities we tacked on with it – like debt, home ownership, car ownership, etc. Actually, within 3.5 years of marriage, we’ve accumulated three very used vehicles (2 of which work, today), debt, a home, and soon to be…two lovely children. So, why is it that when I look at my LONG list of things I feel grateful for, I immediately also feel a surge of guilt and terror building in my chest? Why is it that I never feel like we’re doing quite well enough or that we’re never really moving “forward,” never really escaping the debt?

At the age of 23, I’m finally learning the lesson on being content.

It was never really about keeping up with the Joneses for me – I mean, SOMEDAY I think it’d be nice to be able to have a larger home with a huge kitchen and living area and backyard for entertaining, complete with arches, french doors, an inground pool, and gardens. But, then again…I can honestly say that if it never happened, I’d be happy here. In this house (plus some paint coats and a few DIY projects). Until I die. I think it’d be great to someday own one SUV and one newer car – a family car that’s sized just right so it still looks cute (and I can see the back-end) but is large enough to fit a few kids and their stuff in – and has great gas mileage. And, a warranty But, then again…I know that if I don’t see that for a few, or ten years, I’ll still be happy. I dream about being able to travel and being able to entertain guests with lots of food and music – but, I also know I’d be happy to travel every other year to the beach, and more locally on the off years – and inviting friends over for homemade ice cream and cake or campfires and burgers.

No, it’s definitely not what the “Joneses” have or don’t have that make me feel like a trapped lion in a cage. So, what is it?

Maybe it’s the overwhelming pressure from society – and a very mixed up message that’s constantly being sent our way about the differences between what we NEED and what we PREFER. And, maybe it’s because I actually listened and believed.

Society tells you that you need to see your auto-shop basically every few months. Or, maybe it’s the auto industry that’s saying that. It sounds funny? Oh, take it in. There’s a scratch? Better get that fixed. You’ve driven so many miles? Time for new tires and oil! –And, while I’m sure all this is incredibly helpful for many, some of us simply can’t afford to keep our vehicles in tip top condition ALL OF THE TIME. I’ve learned that what I NEED is a vehicle that will get me from point A to point B. Who cares if the last mechanic we went to for a simple oil change found 3 new things they thought they needed to be fixed RIGHT THEN, and by them, (like they do EVERY TIME WE GO) and predicted nothing short of our untimely deaths by car accidents if we didn’t listen (something could go out at a later time which could lead to breaking down on the side of the road which could be at night which could lead to being killed, etc.).

Society tells you that a “starter home” is 1600 to 2000 square feet and that once you have a kid or two, it’s OBVIOUSLY time to move on to bigger homes. Society says that if your home needs some touch-ups, you should tackle those projects fervently. But, what I’m learning is that I NEED a place to live. It is my preference that every light bulb works, that the shutters and garage door get repainted, that the lawn look a certain way, that the appliances look less outdated and that the carpet not look drab. PREFERENCE. Not need.

Society tells us that we should have refrigerators and pantries stocked full, that we should be able to eat out with friends on a whim. Instead, what I NEED is quality food that will nurture my family’s bodies. I don’t NEED convenience foods, and I don’t NEED a full refrigerator. Actually, we’re stocked pretty well on food, but if you only went by what my refrigerator held it’d look like we weren’t eating much (which isn’t the case. I just have a lot of single ingredients to make from-scratch meals. And, they don’t happen to all live in the fridge!). Of course, I’d prefer to be able to keep tons of healthy snack options around and be able to go out to eat with friends and socialize at restaurants whenever the mood strikes…but it’s okay that I can’t. It’s just a preference.

Society urges you to take out some more credit to buy your heart’s desires, but then backs away quickly when you have trouble paying off the cards. I’m learning that just because half of America isn’t quite as open as I am about things, it doesn’t mean they aren’t sitting their nodding their heads because they KNOW. It doesn’t mean that probably 80 percent of the people I meet today have credit card bills they’re whittling away at.

Society tells us that if something breaks, we better fix it fast. I’m learning that it won’t kill me to wait a little while on most things.

Society tells us that we should have the latest clothes and gadgets and our shoes shouldn’t have scuffs. And, I’m saying that for now, it doesn’t really matter. I’m saying that for now, I don’t really care. Preferences, not needs.

I’m learning that it’s okay if my TO DO list never really ends, that it keeps on growing and growing. I’m learning to accept that I will never mark everything off of that list. And, most of all…I’m learning that those lists are PREFERENCES, mostly – and, to let go of the expectations that I’m somehow failing if I can’t keep it all up all of the time.

It doesn’t mean that I’ll let my house fall apart, and it doesn’t mean we’ll let the things God has given us spoil – it just means that instead of drowning ourselves with expectations we can’t meet, we’ll learn to simply prioritize with the time and money we have and not worry about what we can’t do at this time in our lives.

It means that at age 23, I’m finally learning what it means to be CONTENT.

In list form…kind of.

*  The ice storm definitely came at an interesting time and this entire area is still working on clean up.  My parents got power only a few days after the storm struck (lucky them for being on a main line), and our home actually got power (FINALLY) this past week.

*  Mom and dad have been without cable and internet, which has been both a blessing and trial (although not a huge trial comparably).  But, today – their internet has been restored!

*  My personal life has been all over the place, and after a rather large upheaval, I was sent searching my inner thoughts as well as for any divine inspiration that would just TELL ME WHAT TO DO!  I’d been spun around again and felt like I was about to explode.  So, for days, I searched for an answer – the path I was “supposed” to travel.  (Yes, I know this is sounding kind of cryptic for those of you who don’t know the background info…sorry)  And, apparently I’m a blockhead sometimes and don’t grasp “life lessons” always on the first try so God had a bit of a week pounding it into my head by several people (and other mediums that were planted in my path very nicely).  Things I’ve learned?

-It’s okay to decide not to move at all.  It’s okay to decided NOT to decide and to just be for a little while.
-If you don’t know what to do, do nothing at all…
-If you aren’t 100 percent, in your heart of hearts, SURE of the decision you are making…then wait
-On the other hand, sometimes you just have to close your eyes and just jump – because you can never know EVERYTHING – nor should you expect yourself to.

*  There’s more, of course (I’ve had a busy week or two – or 8.)  Things like, there’s nothing more that *I* can do at this point to fix things – I just have to wait and see, or decide to not wait and see anymore.  That, and I’ve been shown how much fight I have left in me and how much work I need to do in other areas of my life.

*  I need to be more patient.  I need to work on surrendering, more – Even when things get scary.  No, especially when things get scary.  It’s not my job to do everything right or to know how to do everything and to think so is giving myself more credit than I deserve.  I’m not that big.  (Nor do I want to be)

*  I’ve decided to stop trying to make plans for a while – well, the important kind.  I’m going to go about with a more “experimental” approach and try to take each day at a time.  I have no control over these things right now, and have tried to foresee and plan and I end up with a metallic taste in my mouth from biting my own tongue so much.  So, what happens happens – this is me, surrendering.  Oh, and God?  Can you please just send me the next few lessons in list form?  I promise to be a better student and would really like a break from “finding out the hard way.”

Pregnancy Updates

• Wednesday and Thursday (January 28th and 29th) nights of the ice storm I had some major back labor cramping.  Thursday, I was in enough pain that I wanted to call out but was having trouble keeping my breathing steady (type of pain where you have to remind yourself to just breathe).  I have a feeling both had to do with emotional stress and dehydration.  But, what do I know?  (I’ve not had the same type of pains since)
• I am approximately 111 lbs (I may have gained since my last appointment a little over a week ago).
• I just completed 28 weeks last Tuesday/Wednesday (depends on who you ask).
• Supposedly – according to my week by week pregnancy book – the baby is 2.5-3 lbs and between 16 and 17 inches.  I have a feeling that my baby is shorter – only because um, have you seen me?
• It doesn’t FEEL like the baby weighs in at any less….
• For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been super achey.  All over.  But, it’s not so bad – compared to my first trimester.  Achey is good compared. 
• According to my book, this pressure/pain I’ve been feeling (pelvic?) isn’t supposed to happen til next month – so my body is skipping a chapter.  It only gets intense here and there and can be alleviated by lying down and making the baby move (like into my ribs).
• New pains have shown up this week.  Like, the sharp stabby ones I had last night, accompanied by the urge to throw up AND feeling dehydrated (but I wasn’t…and if I drank, I’d throw up).  Eye clenching, hand grasping, sucking in of breath and such.  Fun times.  It went away, finally, after lying down propped with lots of pillows.  And a bucket.  Just in case.

L Updates

L is going through some more developmental phases…

She’s become super interested in sign language and has been learning (or being introduced to) several signs a day for the past few days.  She’s not mastered them, yet but she’s sure trying!

She’s listening to directions, more.  Whether or not she’ll DO it is another issue, but telling her how to get out of a box or into something else using multiple steps is something she’s paying more attention to.  I’m pretty sure half of the predicaments she finds herself in she puts herself there on purpose just so she can try to have the challenge of getting out.

Eating is an on-again off-again thing.  Textures are huge and it seems like she’ll eat really well one day and then almost skip (except for random snacks) the next.  She still prefers fruit but we’ve gotten some V8 Fusion juice to help with her vegetable intake.  That, and rotini noodles with vegetable spaghetti sauce (she doesn’t like the slippery spaghetti noodles as much)

Still obsessed with “babies!!!”  and shoes.  And lotions or soaps (which would be okay if they didn’t go directly to her eyeballs).

Willing to go up to adults more, now (as long as we’re nearby) and still “plays” with other kids by handing them toys.  She seems different than most other kids I see playing her age…where they’ll play “together” but separately…side by side using the same toys but in individual play.  L seems like she wants to be involved in their play but in a non involved way.  She’ll take toys to them and stand near them and just watch and observe…

Thursday, after still not hearing from Steven I began to get a little concerned.  I figured he was alright but the nagging feeling of WHAT IF haunted the thoughts clinging to the back of my mind.  My parents agreed to drive down a few roads to try and find any neighbors (up to a couple of miles away) who might still have landlines since cell services were still inactive.  A wonderful neighbor and friend of our family graciously agreed to let me use their phone and I began trying to get in touch with Steven’s parents – figuring if he was ANYWHERE, it’d be there.

But, their phone was out, too.

I tried calling his mom’s work – but, they’d closed down pretty much the entire town.

I called the armory, because I’d heard soldiers were being activated – only that hadn’t heard from him, either.

Frustrated, I pulled out the hand-me-down cell phone he’d given me a year ago and went through his old contact list, looking for landlines of those who have served or worked or befriended him.  Nothing.

Lines were down everywhere.

And, then I called his coworker.  I was sure that if nothing else, Steven would’ve shown up for work – or tried.  I knew my chances of getting through were slim but I was sure that if I could, he’d be able to tell me Steven was okay.  As the phone connected and a woman answered the phone, I sighed a breath of relief.

“Have you seen S?” I asked, after he’d been given the phone.

“No, he’s not been into work…”

“O-oh,” I stammered.  My heart fell and all of the horrid thoughts that’d previously been lurking in the darkness of my brain came forward, refusing to be constrained any longer.  “I – I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday…he was supposed to call…the armory hasn’t heard from him…landlines aren’t working….I’m out of town…” the words barely made sense as I forced them out, talking only in fragments.  “Can you find him?” I finished.

He vowed he’d check our home and his parents’ and let me know something.  I gave him a contact number and hung up the phone.  Tears came freely as I thought about the possibilities…and that I may know nothing for an unknown amount of time.

———————————-

———————————

Meanwhile, somewhere in a different town – that same coworker drove to the addresses I’d given him until he found Steven, who was safe and sound with his parents (also without power or phones).  After trying to call and being unable to reach me at my normal numbers, his parents decided they’d drive him to meet me.

My family and I had gathered in my uncle’s home with gas cookers for a fish fry (because it was beginning to thaw).  Their big screen tv had been hooked up to a generator and for a moment I’d all but forgotten my current troubles.

Then, there was a knock at the front door and we wondered who we’d forgotten was coming…but it was him!  Relief flooded me.  FLOODED.  I looked behind me at Lorelei, sleeping and red-faced, all bundled up on the couch.

He had actually run all the way up the road (because vehicles couldn’t get through, and it’s a pretty long way) in snow and ice.  My uncle went to get his parents, to show them a different way around the fallen trees.  And, things were good again.  Everybody was okay.

———————————–

In the rest of town, electricity in certain areas were being restored – especially the hospitals which were still running on generators.  Then, special attention was paid to hotels (since workers were coming in from different states to help), grocery stores, and gas stations – as well as any surrounding homes that happened to be in those areas.  Lines at gas stations were long (up to an hour’s wait) and tempers began flaring.  People began traveling out of state just to get generators and fuel – while others packed their things and went to warmer places.

Beautiful destruction.
Snow, like flecks of fine irridescent glitter floating through the air.
Individual blades of glass encapsulated in their own domes of glass like tiny test tubes peeking through the snow.
Trees bowing, bending, breaking to the majesty of God.
Breathtaking.

One of my first thoughts upon waking was that Steven hadn’t called the night before. He was supposed to visit his parents and enjoy warmth and warm meal (they had a generator) but he planned to go back home afterwards – and then, he was supposed to call me once he was home so I’d know he was okay.

I checked my phone to be sure, but there were no missed calls. Groggily, I picked it up and began dialing his number figuring he must’ve forgotten or had been busy.

No service.

“Mom? Does your phone have service?”

“Nope, they’re all down.”

“Hmph.” I muttered and thought that maybe they’d be up as soon as people quit freaking out and hogging all of the lines.

I slowly edged back under the covers, warming my cheeks and nose as I mustered the courage to climb out into the cold. The aroma of instant coffee and hot chocolate drifted through the air like magical notes, promising us warmth. I sat down at the table and pulled out my notebook, along with a couple of other books and a Bible. The windows were foggy, but the soft glow of sunlight lit the words as I wrote them.

Dad, with nothing to do, borrowed a book I’d gotten from the library the previous week and sat in an armchair in the front room to read as mom hovered over a tiny battery operated radio trying to get a signal. Grams made herself busy with eggs and bacon on the burners and then with a sink full of dishes and soapy water.

The radio crackled as the news reports came through:

One gas station open to the public . (Although there was another that had generator back up that the state and county had taken over for their gas.) HUGE lines.

Running out of gas.

People trying to stock-pile…just in case. Truck beds full of gas containers while their tanks sat on full and cars behind them idled on empty.

A couple of stores were open, but most were out of staples like milk, cheese, eggs,
bread, etc.

President Obama declares the ice storm in our area a major disaster and FEMA comes running

We still don’t have internet and all, but I’ve still been writing nonetheless – sometimes with my laptop, but mostly with pen and paper.  I’m going to try to explain where it is I’ve been and recap things for you.  And, since I’m borrowing internet, I plan to type everything and then copy and paste – so, some of this stuff may end up being auto-posted a couple of days at a time just in case there are days I can’t get online.  That’s all.  As you were.

Tuesday.  January Twenty-Seventh Two Thousand and Nine.

We hadn’t really taken the warnings of possible and likely severe weather too seriously – despite the fact that even Jim Cantorre had come to our city to report.  We figured it’d just pass on over like it always did, after all an ice storm of the magnitude they were calling for would be monumental.  Historical, even.  Nonetheless, emails warning each other of the “possibility” were forwarded around and families made their way out to the supermarkets.  While some ravenously raided the stores for batteries, canned goods, bottled water, and whatever else they could get ahold of – others just prepared for a few days of icy roads and went about their normal grocery shopping (perhaps picking up a few extra food items, you know…just in case).  Some of us – okay, me – even asked their husbans to stay in town so if the city fell apart, at least they’d be together with their daughter (and the husband valiantly refused so he could traipse through it all to get to work).

Early the next morning, everything seemed pretty clear.  The roads were a bit icy, but not too bad, and a blanket of snow covered the ground.  Businesses were still open and most workplaces were expecting their employees in.  So far, it seemed like we’d missed the brunt of it but they were expecting more snow and ice throughout the day.

Then, the power went off.

Businesses began closing and grocery stores and gas stations were flooded with concerned buyers, while others rushed home trying to get out of havoc before it became unmanageable.

While some gas stations and groceries still had power for a bit, many couldn’t operate.

As the day progressed, more snow and ice fell – and accumulated.  Power line poles began bending under the pressure as their lines sagged down under strings of icicles.  Tree limbs and entire sections of trees popped and cracked under the heavy weight of the ice and began falling across roads, homes, and anything else in their paths of destruction.

Many of the local residents were fairly hopeful that power would be back on by that evening, and when it wasn’t, people began to get worried.  Homes chilled quickly and so it seems our minds did, too.  Most of us had either lived through “hard times” of days gone by without power or had at least been camping – and yet, we were paralyzed.

For us, the choice was pretty easy.  Lorelei and I were already with my parents – which was a blessing since being at our residence would’ve meant no access to a vehicle and in the middle of a tree-filled nowhere.  Had we not been worried about how Lorelei would be affected by the cold, we’d probably have just snuggled under comforters in my parents’ extra beds, but instead we headed to my Grams’ house next door.  Quilts, fleece blankets, candles, flash lights, matches, pillows, and a queen mattress were pulled out of extra bedrooms as doors were shut behind us in an attempt to trap any remaining heat inside.  As darkness approached, we collected jars and tea mugs and gently placed narrow lit candles inside their mouths.  Fortunately, Grams also had a gas line run to her house and had made the choice to buy a gas/electric cooking stove when she last updated her appliances.  We wouldn’t be able to do much with the oven/stove but the “eyes” could be lit by hand and we planned to boil water on and off during the days and nights for extra warmth.  The water heater, thankfully, was also gas – meaning we’d be blessed with hot water as we needed it.

Our outfits were almost laughable as we borrowed from each other the thickest socks and sweaters and pants we could find, paying no attention to whether they really fit or not, much less the not-so-stylishness of it all.  Layer over layer of sweatshirts and long-sleeves and pants and socks (and even nightgowns) then wrapped in blankets (Lorelei wore long sleeves/pants and socks under a thick footed sleeper and a jacket) as we huddled together in the main room.  Outside, the air was eerily silent except for the chilling sound of trees and limbs cracking and then falling.  The sounds echoed throughout the night air and it was almost beautiful – or, it would have been had we not been worried about the proximity of the trees and poles to us and our homes.

That night, as we bundled up and found a soft spot to sleep, I pulled Lorelei close to me on the mattress.  Unfortunately, she had a different idea – something along the lines of trampolines and bounce houses.  It was cold and a new situation and we’d all decided to turn in rather early once the sun had went down, leaving nothing more than flickers of light from the candles.  Mom and I laid quietly, hoping that if we pretended to sleep long enough or were quiet enough maybe she’d just follow suit.  Instead, she called our names relentlessly as she bent over my face, trying to stick her fingers in my eyes and nose to see if I was awake (and if not, to wake me up).  It was time to play!  Except it wasn’t.

I know I’ve been MIA and I just wanted to let you guys know I AM totally alive and have not (yet) run off with the circus.  A lovely ice storm pelted us (in this region, not me specifically) and we’re kind of without internet.  I know *WAHH* right?  But, seeing as how my house doesn’t even have electricity and hasn’t for over a week (bet you’re wondering how I’m posting this, aren’t you?) and there are still tons of folks who are cold and hungry, I won’t complain.  Much.

I’ll be back when I can – I may have to switch hotel parking lots a few times so they don’t catch on.  *AHEM*  I mean…uhhhhh….*runs away*

PS – If you REALLY love me, you’ll just visit my website every day to keep my traffic up.  You know, because you ADORE me.