Just Focus.
My thoughts lately have been all over the place – a swirling gust of feelings and emotions of total extremes, the kind that even words just don’t seem to explain right. The kind that haunt your soul and make you (or me) feel like you’re nothing but a drowning corpse in your own murky emotions. But, let me try.
Dirty Laundry
I began my blog last year to be a journal of sorts – not necessarily one chock full of my most private demons, but something to document my daily going-ons with my friends and family – kind of like a VERY extended end-of-the-year family letter all. year. long. After countless “was that last post about me” inquiries, I began to change my focus, pointing things toward my daughter, crafts, and recipes – everybody likes recipes.
But, that didn’t work either. Not for me, anyhow. My soul and head began to twitch, I had begun writing again and I couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t let myself. Not again. And so, I declared that Bosssanders was back and 100% real. While it’s true that I don’t post EVERYTHING (there are just some things I keep private, and others just best left unsaid), I’ve still been accused of “airing (my) dirty laundry.”
I’m sorry…what?
I promised to be real, and I intend to – I can’t see the purpose in living my life as anything else but real, I don’t see the purpose of the fake smiles and pretending life is always grand. Because it isn’t. For anyone. So, when I talk about my life and things become a little less glitter and rainbows, it’s not me airing my dirty laundry because nothing has really changed…this is still my life, and it’s still real. Life is beautiful – both the good and bad. The bad and trying times not only help you appreciate the better times but they also shape you into the person you need to be – and, it’s both the good and bad that make life beautiful. Both. I refuse to pretend my life only consists of one, I refuse to not write about the things I feel strongly about.
This IS me. And, nothing about it is “dirty”.
Focus.
Today, I believe I finally caught and deciphered some of the thoughts and emotions that had whirling inside my head like mad demons. I still don’t know which way is up, or what the right thing to do is but I’ve made some sense out of the things inside.
First: I have no issue with forgiving past wrongs. But, I’ve been driving myself mad trying to figure out a way to play fortune-teller. Going home could be so easy if I just knew the betrayal and lies would stay in the past. If I knew the promises would be kept. If I thought I was anything more than just an accessory in his life, something HE thought was worth fighting FOR. But, I don’t know any of that. I don’t know how to even begin to know those things.
Second: I’m terrified. It took some major guts for me to stand up. For myself. To act – to leave. And now that I’m out, I’m not in a huge hurry to easily walk back, to drag my daughter back and forth, just to find myself in the exact same situation a month later…
Third: I’m not breaking up my marriage. I’m not destroying my daughter’s life. The damage has already been done – time and time again, and it wasn’t by me. If staying meant I would no longer have to feel guarded in my very own sanctuary (my home), if it meant I wouldn’t have to constantly wonder where or how the next blow (not physical) would be delivered…then my decision would be easy. If I knew things would change. I believe my life is worth more than to have it trampled and disrespected and betrayed, and I believe that if it should come down to it, my daughter would be just fine. I firmly believe that my daughter(s) would be much better off in a home where their mother could teach them about respect, how a man should treat them, what a marriage should be, about honesty, about responsibility…and for them to SEE those things modeled. What kind of a mother and teacher can I be to my children if I teach them one thing but put them in a situation where the reverse is being modeled? I have fought for this marriage for an incredible amount of time, I have fought with everything I had and have, but dissolving this marriage is NOT the same as taking a father away from my children.
Fourth: I still don’t have an effing clue what the best choice is for me and I’m so scared to make the wrong decision. If only I could just KNOW…
Welcome back!
Comments
Red Lotus Mama
Oh honey, I have had the exact accusation slammed at me too. It is insulting! The fact the people think what you (or I) have posted is “dirty” then they have NO idea what reality is. Your writing is for you to clear your head, think about the present and future … not to harbor over the past and air the “dirty laundry”. If someone is reading what you have written and believe it is “dirty laundry” it is only because they know what is BEHIND what you have written. Their guilt is seeing beyond your words that from my point of view is cleaner than what came out of your drier! Keep writing. Keep being honest about yourself in the way you know will improve your health and happiness. This is for YOU and everyone/anyone needs to respect that. *HUGS*
Huckdoll
If I had a dollar for every time I said “If only I could just know” I’d be rich!
That said, you either take a plunge into the unknown or you stay where you are, with what you know and work on that.
Where I am today, I look back and wish I had done it all sooner without the stressing and over-thinking and being scared of everything – because I’m really happy and have better relationships with my daughters, my family and even Colin today than I’ve ever had.
But at the time, I knew in my heart that nothing would ever change in my relationship (on both of our sides) and I made that break not once, but twice and I regret none of it. And now, things are changing. If that makes any sense.
Miss
None of us have the right answer. You know what we’ve done, and where we are now. You know others who have chosen NOT to leave. You know some who dont know what the hell they want but choose to drag people who love them back and forth and through the wringer. My best suggestion to you Ash, is give yourself time. You’ve struggled and struggled with the decision to leave. You took plenty of time to come to that conclusion. Do you want to go back? If you just dont know, give it time. NO ONE should be pressuring you to make a decision because this is your LIFE we are talking about. And L’s life, and Baby A’s life. If you are doubting yourself, well, let me tell you – you are AMAZING and stronger than you think. Please believe that. You know how to reach me if you need to talk.
xo
bosssanders
RLM – Indeed. I’m so tired of trying to please everyone, putting my “best foot forward” always – and to a point when I’m no longer me. It’s ridiculous, and being able to write honestly is both refreshing and healing once I get past the initial pain of it all..
Huckster – Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m putting way too much into either decision. I’m just so afraid that either decision I make will be permanent, and I’m afraid of being trapped in a way…not being able to ever go back.
Miss – Dude. What? I was so counting on you to tell me to hush up and tell me what to do (kidding). Thanks for the lift, babe. Maybe that’s what I do need…more TIME. Maybe more than anything, I need to give myself a break, too…and stop feeling so horrible for not KNOWING what to do next after a week and a half of the initial decision to stand up.
xoxo to you all (you rock). hard.
Kim
There is not much more that needs to be added here..
Just know that I will hold your hand.. support any decision you make.. as long as your happy.
Let’s both do that this year.
Let’s both make US happy.
xoxox
Momo Fali
I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could help make this easier. I think writing is always a good thing. I think following your heart and not your head, is sometimes a good thing too.
Zoeyjane
Here’s my thought. Sometimes, things will just work out – do you think you can just try and see what happens, naturally, for a little bit? You’ve made these huge strides, and now, I think, it’s time to wait and see what the after effects are. xo
melissa
as you know…i shut down a really good blog because of the airing of dirty laundry and some trouble it got me into. but…you have to do what’s in your heart. what you KNOW is right. and if blogging is an outlet. and it isn’t really hurting anyone…well, there is your answer.
xoxo
happy new year honey!!
bosssanders
Kim – Yes, let’s do…and thanks
Momo – I just wish I knew what my *heart* really wanted…
Zoeyjane – Time, what a concept. I think you’re right though…time is good, I just hope I have enough for waiting…
Melissa – Thanks, love…
bvh789
First, I have to say that I honestly don’t think there’s a darn thing with airing one’s “dirty laundry”. Not that I’m saying what you’re saying is “dirty”. Just that you should be able to air any part of your life you’d like. Where you’d like. Especially if it helps you. IMO that’s the most important thing. Not what anybody else thinks. And if anybody else thinks you’ve broken up your marriage — well to heck with them. Seriously. Don’t worry about what anybody else thinks. You know the truth.
As far as what the best choice is for you and what your heart wants — I believe time will tell and my prayers are with you.
Nissa
WTF? Who cares about stupid people calling your honest writing ‘dirty laundry’?! Don’t listen to that crap, Ash.
As for the what to do- you do what you think is best for you & Lorelei. Period. That may not give you the answer, but it’s what I believe.
Know, though, that your friends will support whatever decision you make. I have a friend that got divorced, and friends were told all about her husband’s flaws, only to get back together and remarried a year or so later. She was afraid of what her friends would think. We all just thought ‘She’s doing what makes her happy & she feels that living life without him is worse than dealing with his faults.’
I guess the point of that is- vent all you want. If you are better OUT, then stay out, but if you go back IN, we’ll all understand that, too.
Big Hugs!!!!