We should all just get something straight, here:  I’m a FREAK.  End of story.

Apparently either my body hates being pregnant or just hates me.  Because although *I* was more than willing to birth up to 5 kids, my body really seems to be beating itself up.

NORMAL PEOPLE?  They get morning sickness…or they don’t.  Some are sicker than others, and some sick all day long, and some are sick for their whole pregnancy.  Some feel a bit pukey all day, while others can barf up their wheaties and then could go straight to work.  Right.  Not this lady.  Nope, this lady’s body puts her on bedrest for a couple of months, with FREQUENT visits to the ER (like seriously, they know me there).  And, after the 3 month mark, THIS lady’s body gets a little better with the whole sicky thing because NOW the plague is over but she has NORMAL morning sickness instead.  You know, where I walk around feeling nauseous and run randomly for trash cans?  I’m 19 weeks pregnant, mind you.

And, then…there’s this itching.  Everyone’s all “Oh just put some shea butter on and it’ll feel all better,” but I must be missing something.  Do I put it on my tongue or something, because putting it in normal places (like my skin) isn’t cutting it.  At all.  When I say I have some extreme itching…I’m talking…imagine you just laid down in a poison ivy patch and rolled around really good.  Pretend you are highly allergic and pretend like the stuff never stops itching.  Imagine not being able to sleep through the night without waking up from said itching.  Imagine finding huge scratches down your body, and even bloody areas from where you scratched while you were asleep.  Imagine not wanting to move, wear clothes, or touch ANYTHING (including your own skin) because it makes your skin go crazy.  Imagine that no creams, no lotions, no salves make it go away (although a few make it slightly better for an hour at a time).  Imagine rashes covering your entire body and imagine fearing showers and baths because it hurts so damn much.  Because anything and everything can send your skin into a frenzy where you have no choice but to itch it because it’s ALL OVER YOU.  Literally.  Your arms, your chest, your back, your stomach, your legs…and sometimes even your face and neck.  You can’t even bank on the whole “wait it out” like you can with poison ivy - don’t scratch it and it’ll get better fast.  Because it doesn’t.  It burns and it itches all at once, everywhere.  Your skin is on fire AND you just jumped into a pit of really pissed off imaginary mosquitoes.

I’m obviously not normal.  It takes a LOT of mental discipline for me to even keep up my end of a conversation in public, when all I REALLY want to do is rip my clothes off and jump into an icy pond in hopes it will just freeze my skin off.  Luckily, there aren’t a lot of icy ponds around the places I have to go to.

So, I’m heading back to the doctor today to get this loveliness checked out (and some blood tests) to see if we can’t pinpoint this.  Last night, I thought I’d google “extreme itchiness during pregnancy” and turns out, this thing I’m experiencing is a bit beyond what’s considered “normal” and may or may not be indicative of a few serious problems.  Like, I may be turning into a monkey or some such.

Regardless, I’m hoping the blood tests will AT LEAST rule out a couple of pretty scary conditions, which match my symptoms (OF COURSE), that turned up in google.  Google wouldn’t tell me which blood tests would be needed to find out if I’m becoming a monkey, though…so we may just have to wait and see on that one.

Oh, and one last note…if you just googled “extreme itchiness during pregnancy” and all that, don’t listen to the nurses when they tell you to put cortizone cream on rash - which covers your whole body - it kind of dries it out, making you MORE uncomfortable and more itchy, and the rash gets pissed and a little crazy.  Just sayin.

Welcome back!