Did you know she’s grown so much and has even more hair (though it’s light)? Did you know she’s a Mimi and Daddy’s girl? Did you know that she’ll eat banana’s, but they’re no longer her favorites? Did you know that her new favorite food is blueberries? And tomatoes (she eats them like apples)? Did you know that sometimes she calls her Gramps “DaDa” only because she can’t say Gramps (although she recognizes the name when someone else says it) and it frustrates her? Did you know that she calls even kids older than her her “babies” and wants to play with them? Did you know that she loves to sing and dance? Did you know that while she’ll eat pizza rolls, tomatoes, fruit, french fries, alfredo pasta, and spaghetti, she won’t eat much else (unless it’s once in a while)?

Did you know she can say most of the ABC’s when prompted? Did you know she can say: key, Mama, Dadda, Mimi, Bubba (her uncle), no, get, shoe, juice, bye, night, “b” (for blankie”, baby, dog, ow, hi, book, read, rock, happy, out?

Did you know that she knows cows say “moo,” ducks say “ack,” cats say “meow,” and dogs say “arf!”?

Did you know that she can climb? Did you know that she likes to “read” to herself and likes to play alone, too? Did you know that she’s watching you, noting everything you do? – That she now will carry a silver mixing bowl around and pretend to throw up because mommy was so sick? Or, that she stomps her foot at the dogs, pointing her finger and saying “No! Get!” Or, that her face scrunches up when she sees you crying? Or, that she knows WHAT the potty is for (including hers) but just hasn’t gotten all of the logistics down quite yet?

Did you know that some of her favorite activities don’t include name brand toys or toddler gear, but instead include brooms, mops, and anything else that reflects “grown up” life? Did you know that she will pick up trash and put it in the garbage can on her own (and if you ask her to)? Did you know that the things we think of as chores, she enjoys because it makes her feel “big” and “special” and “important”?

Did you know she can take a shower and knows how to wash herself, brush her hair, and even pretends to put lotion on her face and diaper creme on her bottom (even when her pants are on)? Did you know she knows her “major” body parts and can point to them when you say their name? Or, that she knows her articles of clothing and tries to help put them on? Or, her love for purses, shoes, and jewelry?

Did you know how totally in love with this kid I am?

Welcome back!

Apparently with this pregnancy I’m way more laid back, because with the first I would have NEVER thought about not chronicling every single little thing – much less skip out for 2 weeks REGARDLESS of how sick I was. Oops. Although I’ve experienced the same horrid symptoms as with my first pregnancy, I don’t feel the need to run to the doctor for every time I feel like dying. Nope, now I just skip straight to the ER. Before, I kept 3 different week by week pregnancy books beside my bed and always knew approximately how big my little shrimp was or which new follicles it was sprouting. Now? Where are those books (upstairs, in the attic)? It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just…different. I already know how babies grow, what labor feels like, and what real contractions feel like…so, I’m good for now.

By the way, I really didn’t mean to scare anyone while I was away…I glossed over a bit that I was staying with my parents, and I guess I glossed too much because some of you missed it. For the past month or so, L and I were living with my parents so we could stay close to my doctor, the hospital, and some other family members that could help. And…my parents live about an hour away. We tried coming home a couple of weekends, but I only made it for a couple of days before needing to go back. So, we embraced it for what it was and it worked out. Unfortunately, I didn’t have much access to internet or email and for the most part I felt way too horrible to even THINK about sitting upright or opening my eyes. I had all sorts of stories for you guys – from the asshat nurse to a really scary moment for me to…well, I forgot. Chances are I might not even write those posts anyhow since they are kind of old news (for me) now.

Last Wednesday, was my latest scheduled Dr. appointment. She wanted me to continue seeing her weekly to keep a check on my (lack of) weight gain, but I begged her to draw it out a bit. She complied but only with the understanding that I am to watch my weight and that if I have more than 3 bad days in a row again, I am to come straight in. That, and I’m due back in a month. The Saturday before that appointment (not yesterday but the Sat prior), I felt pretty good…and that lasted until about Tuesday. I had some minor ups and downs during the day, but it was a huge improvement. And, then…Wednesday sucked. The rest of the week was kind of up and down, but still an improvement to what things HAD BEEN LIKE. And, now I’m home. My home. To be honest, I’m kind of scared…elated …but, scared. After the weekend means I’m by myself, no emergency room nearby or a way to get there, no help close by, and nobody to help me off the floor or to feed L should I lose my strength or pass out – all things that have been huge issues for the past month and a half. I’m really really hoping that this is me coming out of this stuff…and not just a few good days again before a huge row of horrid ones…

By the way, if any of you have loads of cash to blow, this area REALLY needs a Whole Foods Market. Seriously. I am finally starting to want HEALTHY food again after only being able to down cRAP for the past 1.5 months, but it’s really hard to find FAST, CHEAP, and EASY healthy meals that taste good. I’ve been craving vegetables and fruits, but I’m still not to a place where I have much energy to FIX it. I’ve gone to Lean Cuisines and picked out all of the boxes that had lots of veggies shown. Yeh yeh, I know. Lean Cuisine isn’t THAT healthy but it sure looked a lot healthier than the fried chicken and salisbury steak in a box beside it. And, no. I’m not trying to lose weight. And no, those meals don’t always fill me, so I eat more…or snack. And no, that’s not why I’m not gaining weight (I’ve heard all of these questions already). I didn’t gain weight because for a month and a half I’ve been throwing up almost everything I ate and drank…which is why I was in the hospital, because not even medicines kept it totally under control and blablabla. So, yeh…we need a Whole Foods Market down here and I’d be super thrilled if you wanted to open up a Wolfgang Puck Express here, too. Because, yum. (See, this is a good sign, food sounds good now. Some of it.)

Other things I probably should’ve documented in some sort of journal but didn’t:

-Week 11, I had contractions and really bad stabbing pain and pressure. They went away by themselves.
-The floating bubble sensation …that’s the baby. It’s not gas. Well, let me rephrase that…it’s not my gas.
-Baby heartbeat at 12 week checkup was 179. No weight gain.
-No strong cravings, just preferring fresh vegetables and Wofgang Puck’s food.
-Week 11, put in hospital again with asshat night nurse. More on that later.
-Week 12, experienced really scary moment where my body did not comply with thought commands. More on that later, too. Maybe.

Now, I think I’m gonna go nap

I know you’re having an awful time right now, trying to sort through intentions versus reality and what you’re willing to accept.  It’s hard.  I know you are clinging so desperately to your happily-ever-after (and you deserve yours) and the dreams you had of the future, and I don’t want to tell you that reality is about to bust that up…but…

You deserve grand dreams coming into reality.  You deserve a happily ever after…but, you may need to get on a harder path in the meantime…a path that will ultimately lead to that goodness, but a path also filled with tears, heartache, and lots of unknown.  It’ll be scary, for sure – but would it be any scarier than imagining living your life just as exactly as it is now for years to come?  With the main things that bring you grief now staying the exact same?  Sometimes, people aren’t who they pretended to be – and sometimes they just change.  Regardless, it’s not your job to change someone else – even if you know that them unchanging will result in heartache for the both of you.  They’ll resent you, and they’ll run the other way, leaving you hurt even more.

A partner is a partner.  You signed on (so to speak) to love and support, not to be a parent.  Not to be hurt over and over again, waiting for them to get it.  For it to click.  It’s not your job, not your role, to be hurt time and time again while you “teach” them.  Because they already know.  You either speak with love, or you don’t.  You either show love, or you don’t.  You either are there for someone, or you aren’t.  You either keep your promises, or you don’t.  You either stay faithful, or you don’t.  You either tell the truth, or you don’t.  You either betray them, or you don’t.  You either cherish them, or you don’t.

You either love them, or you don’t.

They’re beyond teaching.  They already know.  Somewhere, deep down, they get it.  They know.  I get that you want to hang around and hang on because you feel like you are giving up on them, hurting them, but they’ve made their choices.  They’ve taken you for granted and are convinced that you’ll always be there….   You’ve stayed strong for so long, being knocked down so many times only to get up again and brush yourself off – always sticking your hand back out to them.  And, while some things have changed, the fact that you keep getting hurt hasn’t.  The how may change, but will the results ever?  You heartbroken, crying.

You have an immense support network, one so great that many people only wish they had what you have.  But they?  That one person that you need the most…the person who SHOULD be the ringleader of that network?  They’re not there.  They’re too busy.  They don’t take you seriously.  And, one day…while you were all alone, you needed them.  Desperately.  But, again…too busy.  You made a phone call and it was someone else…from another city…that came and got you and took you to the ER that afternoon.  It was them that made sure things got taken care of.  It was them that stayed with you while they could, before having to get back home.

You want to convince me…and everyone else that the one you love made a mistake.  Just like the times before.  And, that they’ll change, that they just have some growing to do.  And, that’s your choice.  But, how much growing will you allow them to do at your very own expense?

The road ahead of you seems so scary, so full of the unknown – and you’re afraid of being alone.  But, really…how much more alone would you be?  And, how much do you know in your heart as it is?  Isn’t it true that right now is full of unknown, too?  You don’t know what they will do next, when they’ll pull your feet out from under you next…or how?

You feel scared, but the person I know is strong.  You’ve let that person make you believe that you’d be lost without them, that you would f*cked.  But, you wouldn’t be.  They’re tearing away at you, piece by piece.  But, the dreams you have?  Those don’t have to go anywhere.  The dreams can still be yours, and still come true…but the players in your dreams may just change a bit.  And, in your new dreams, the smiles may be just a little bit brighter…

Love,

Me.

Hospital again last week, but only for 6-8 hours (for IV fluids and medications). Still spending most of my time at my parents and seeing Steven on weekends, mostly.

Doctor appointment again this next week. (I’m late posting this 10 week update.)

Over $7K in bills that are coming up, not counting Health Insurance or getting vehicles fixed (scooter not running and need heat/ac for the SUV). I’m a little stressed.

I’m questioning God’s great design of HEIGHTENED SENSE OF SMELL during MORNING SICKNESS periods. Cruel. Really cruel.

My bras are continuing to slowly “shrink”.

Cramps. Like internal stuff is being ripped away. Fun. Nothing serious, just “growing pains” but OWW.

Stepping up on the probiotics, prunes, and whatever else. Nuff said.

My head hurts. My ears hurt. Probably from laying down so much.

I’m totally rewarding myself after this first trimester is over…with a haircut (trim and shaping) and a MASSAGE. I would’ve already done the massage but they kinda get huffy about doing it during the first trimester…gaw.

My veins are…a beautiful mess of purple and green bruises. If I have any more IVs, they may have to start getting creative with where they go…

I’m totally behind on my writing and other blog.

Still same weight.

All of my blood and other tests came back normal. Good news.

Turns out, this morning sickness thing is most likely in my head. As in … pregnancy kicks something off in my brain that makes me nauseous and unable to keep food down for the most part. That would explain why all of the “normal” treatments don’t work for me (that center treatment on the digestive system). So, I have some meds that pretty much interrupt/block that tiny part of the brain and other meds to make me sleep.

I’m thinking this nasty stuff is SLOWLY starting to go away. Very slowly, but still. I was having about 20 bad days to 1 good day. Now, it’s like 4:1 ratio. Good day being described as a day where I keep down my food one way or another and am able to sit or stand for 2-3 hours total (rather than having to stay lying down). Improvement methinks.

No belly pics, but I did put other pics up. Yesterday was the first real day that I felt pretty good. And, last wednesday I was hooked up to IVs, so yeh. I promise to be better about it after this sick thing is over. And by then, maybe I’ll look less bloated and more pregnant?

Dearest Lorelei,

You are 18 months today, and are no longer a “baby” – and yet, you will always be mine.  You are so full of compassion and energy – from sharing your toys with strangers (kids) to the rock you gave as a “present” to the young boy who was a few years older than you yesterday (he kept that rock).  You seem to know when mommy is down and you offer hugs and kisses and funny faces.  You love your daddy and have grown incredibly close to your Mimi and Gramps.  Actually…if Mimi goes out of your sight, you will scream for her “Mimi!!!” and become frantic.  You adore reading bedtime stories and being rocked to sleep and bath-time with Mimi and you love playing chase and rolling on the floor with Gramps.  Uncle Josh has taught you how to play the guitar and you love strumming them and putting the guitar pick in your mouth just like he does.  You love to dance, and you love music.  You love exploring and the outdoors…you love simply figuring things out…learning.

You are being so incredibly sweet about mommy-and-L time changing dramatically in the last month and a half but I still feel horribly about it.  I feel like I am somehow letting you down, like I’m just not as strong as I should be.  But, considering…you are doing great with it.  You are such a big helper and you are my very own little sunshine – one of the few things that can turn me into all smiles, no matter how crappy I feel.

You are about 23 lbs, now and we’ll probably start potty training soon.  Eh…after my first trimester ends (hopefully 2-3 weeks or LESS!)…right now, we’ll just let you get acquainted with the new potty.  But, no pressure.  This one is totally in your ballpark kid, we’ll only do what you want to and when you want to on this one.  But, since you already seem to know when you have a messy diaper (the pulling) and you change yourself randomly in your crib (thanks alot)…I figure you may be ready.  We’ll see.  I’m thinking you’ll like being diaperless once you get the hang of it.

You still love reading, although you like real pages now.  And, catalogs.  With toys.  You love showering yourself (washing your hair and body and rinsing) and helping around the house with sweeping, sorting utensils, putting things in the trash, and picking up.  You can repeat some of the ABCs and you know most of your main body parts, too.  You love to tickle and be tickled, and have this new obsession with mommy’s big water mug with a straw.  You want cups with straws, too.

You are so perfect…easy and fun and wonderful.  When it’s time for bed, we ask you if you are “ready for bed” and you will gather your blankies and a babydoll (another new obsession) and head for either your room here or at Mimi’s (depending on where we’re at).  And, in the mornings, you will jabber and play until you are ready to be scooped up (and then you’ll call out “HEY!  Dada?  Mama??  HEY!”

I love you, kid.  So very very much.

Love,

Mommy

It has become the new “normal” for Americans today to fill their schedules with endless appointments, clubs, events, parties, and the like.  We run around like the little white rabbit in Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland, shouting “I’m late, I’m late!”  Some days, we’re not even quite sure where it is we’re going, but we’re running there, nonetheless.

And, in this process we oftentimes begin to neglect the relationships we claim are so very important to us.

While it’s fantastic to be able to say “NO” to more events and scheduled things, hearing the words “I’m too busy” over and over again begins to mean something different to those who hear it.  It begins to resonate as:

I’m too busy…for you.

We hear you loud and clear as you cancel plans repeatedly with us, but then go on to sign your name up for other things.  We believe that your “have to” labels are just there to help you sleep better at night, but at the end of the day you made your choice.  Again, it wasn’t us.  You may feel OBLIGATED to your work, to your schools, to your clubs and organizations – but what about your family, your friends?  –Your very support network.  How often do you choose them?

As time goes on, our invitations will cease.  We’ll quit calling just to chat or about the “smaller” news of our daily lives.  We’ll quit hoping for anything to change.

We’ll walk away, figuring it’s much better for us to walk away than to be outright walked away from (although it feels like that’s already been done).  And one day, you’ll realize we’re gone…and have been for quite sometime.

Because you were too busy.  For us.

NOTE and a “Sort Of” Disclaimer:

While this post wasn’t written with any ONE person in mind, it was definitely inspired by a few parties.  Regardless, I think the “I’m too busy (for you)” crap is something a lot of people deal with.  If a father tells his son repeatedly that he will not play legos with him every night after work, the son will eventually quit asking.  And, one day…that father will look back and he’ll regret the moments he could’ve spent with his son that he’ll never get back or a chance to redo.  I’m talking to parents, grandparents, spouses, friends, siblings, aunts/uncles/cousins…whomever.

And, if you know me in real life, don’t ask if this blog was about you.  But, if the shoe fits…

And perhaps to persuade you that I’m not a negative nancy… despite my latest posts…

The truth is, I feel like crap and therefore almost everything right now seems to be covered in crap.  Like crap-goggles.  But, I know it’s because I’m sick and have been sick for over a month (imagine having a horrid stomach flu non stop for 30-40 days straight and you still aren’t anywhere close) and my life will be all sunshine and fluffy kitties and smart ass remarks very soon.  I promise.

For now, though…I’m going to document a few of the things that really make me smile.  It’s not really a blessing list, because to be honest…no matter how much I bitch my blessing list is HUGE because I’m a very thorough gal and by the time I finish today, I’d have to start again for tomorrow’s.  It’s not that I’m not thankful, I just try to spare you from gagging from it all.

Things that made me smile lately…

…My daughter.  Oh, how she is growing.  She caught me crying today and wasn’t sure whether she wanted to cry with me or what…  She began “crying (without tears)” with the most pitiful expression which only made me cry harder and reach out to hug her.  Unsatisfied, she grabbed my toes and wrinkled her little nose (as if my feet smelled) and made the most hilarious faces.  Then she moved her little fingers along the bottom of my feet squealing “Tickletickletickle!!”  This kid?  She’s my sunshine.

…My family.  In the past week, they’ve taken me in, fed me, and taken care of both myself and Lorelei.  Mom, dad, my aunts, Grams…thank you.  Really.  Sometimes, all you need to know is that you are not alone and when you can’t stand, there will be someone holding you up.  I hear a lot of “If you ever need me…” and it never goes any further than that.  It’s nice to have people reach out and insist on being there even when you aren’t ready to admit that you can’t do it yourself.

…Little kisses from Lorelei.  Unasked for and totally random.  She will just cross the room for a kiss.

…”Happy”.  Again, the kid.  What can I say?  She’s learned a new word: Happy.  And, she can show you her “sad” face which is terribly cute and makes her look much like a little grumpy old man.

I thought I had it all under control – with snacks, the evil finger pricker (glucose monitor), the puke bucket, specialty morning sickness candies and vitamins, and drinks. We’d moved an extra bed into Lorelei’s room so I would be able to at least be in the same room with my very own daughter. I knew I was sick, but I had just accepted it all as “how morning sickness attacks affects Ashley.”

Until NOTHING would stay down.

Until walking 10 feet would leave me feeling drained, shaky, and like I was going to pass out.

So, I quit moving. I kept eating and I kept drinking, but to no avail. Everything came back up. My throat was raw, my stomach hurt, and I just wanted to go drift back into the sleep that kept calling my name.

I was counting down the days until October 1st – the day our insurance would take effect. The day of my first scheduled “official” OB/GYN appointment. I had plans to beg my doctor for the medicine I’d promised myself I wouldn’t take this time around – the $80 bottle of medicine meant for chemotherapy patients, only given to pregnant women when the need for it outweighed the risks. By Monday, I knew I was only 2 days away from at least some sort of improvement.

Then, my mom called. Despite my attempts to convince her that although I felt horrid, I didn’t think I belonged in the ER, she didn’t believe me. We both knew that if insurance was already covering me, I’d have gone to the doctor days ago. She called my doctor on my behalf, telling her how things were going down in our home and my doc told her to get me there. Now.

It took about 30 minutes to convince me, but then I began to shakily throw things on the kitchen table, preparing for my mom to pick us up (Steven had the only working vehicle with a carseat).

The rest is history…

I was admitted to the hospital on an hour-by-hour basis to receive IV fluids and vitamins and nutrients. They were on strict orders to only do what was necessary (no urine/blood tests since I was self pay and would have coverage in only 2 days and already had lab tests scheduled for October 1st). For the next 5 hours, they pumped vitamins, nutrients, and fluids into my body as quickly as they could and layered the warmed blankets on me as I couldn’t keep warm.

Around 9 pm, they allowed me to try a liquid only diet. I chose juice, and despite the intense burning in my mouth, it stayed down. By 10:30 pm, they were ready to let me try solids. I made a request for a simple turkey sandwich and possibly pasta salad with dressing on the side, but the cafeteria had closed hours ago and the only “leftovers” on the shelf was… a tuna fish sandwich on lumpy whole grain bread. I laughed when they announced my first solid attempt would be a tuna fish sandwich…until I realized that they were serious and then the hilarity factor dropped at high speed.

Three bites in and gagging, I decided I’d give it a rest. At least until I could get some medication.

Shortly after, Zofran was administered. Mom left. A quick call to wish Steven goodnight. And, then I turned the lights out.

I drifted in and out of fitful sleep with the pink tub/bucket beside me (just in case). The next day, it was decided that I would undergo some new (to me) treatments. During these, we found out that I’m most likely allergic to Reglan, as it left me jittery and overly anxious – almost as if I were coming off of something (or, I would imagine). It was horrible, like I was coming out of my own skin.

I don’t remember much about Tuesday – lots of fitful sleep, interesting hospital food (like pork with mango salsa), and feeling really really bad. And, lots of unplugging my IV cart so I could go pee. Alot. By 8 or 9 pm, I was discharged with strict orders to be at my doctor’s office as soon as they opened for a full looksie (ultrasound, blood tests, urine tests, etc…the works).

Then, the rest of the week was spent curled up on my parents’ couch or one of the beds sleeping and drinking and peeing and eating. Not much else. My family has been awesome, taking turns to come over to help me eat and to keep crazy L company as I try to rest and recuperate. I’ve been armed with sleeping pills, another set of vitamins, and the hard core Z meds. The idea with the sleeping pills is that if I’m asleep, maybe I won’t puke? I guess? But at 85 lbs, even the prescribed 1/2 a pill knocks me the heck out, rendering me completely useless. Which is …uh…great…except I’m fairly sure that I will have to at SOME point leave my parents’ couch and at SOME point will have to take care of my own darn kid. I’m just guessing, there, but it makes a lot of sense.

So, those are the updates. I’m just trying to figure out how I can arrange my arsenal of medicines so that I don’t end up back where I was – and trying to find a way to hopefully just be able to take care of myself and L on a daily basis for the remainder of this trimester (which is like a month left to go). Because…if it lasts for more than a month? I’m screwed.

Other random notes (for myself) at 9 weeks:

- weight unchanged.
- Dry skin AND acne? OW. So much for a pregnancy glow.
- The baby’s heartbeat is much better this week (according to the ultrasound after being in the hospital).
- Hair is getting darker in all of the wrong places, but the hair on my head is still coming out in clumps. Why can’t it be the other way around?

Next appointment is Wednesday, which is purely in place to monitor my weight and pukeage. Expect tummy pictures next week, unless things get worse.