I didn’t leave, I swear.

I’m still around…just really sick.  My body is still in combat mode – not sure it wants to accept this little kidling as something it wants to nurture…or, eh not.  And the kid?  Well, it’s kicking my arse, so I’m thinking it can hold it’s own.

This pregnancy is much like the last (in regards to the sick part) except worse.  Blood sugar has dropped low enough to affect my memory and I generally lay in bed (or L’s playroom floor or on the LR couch).  To say the days go by SLOWLY would be an understatement.  Emotions are high and I’m experiencing a lot – bored, scared, upset, lonely, sad…

Don’t get me wrong…I’m happy about the pregnancy part.  Ecstatic.  I’m sad, though, that my interaction with my family has declined exponentially.  L and my playtime together now consists of me laying in her floor while she plays around me.  She’s not acting out yet, but I know she feels it – I just hope that on some level she understands that it’s because mommy doesn’t feel well.  Nothing to do with her.  I’m frustrated at the things I can’t find the energy to do, as in literally (meaning I’ll pass out if stand or sit too long, faster if I’m exerting myself).  And, I’m scared because I’m fully aware of the complications that can arise should my sugar drop low enough – and what that would mean if it were to happen while I were walking…to close to a piece of furniture…or in the shower….or carrying my child.

I’ve been doing…or attempting… the 6-8 small meals a day.  Lots of protein.  Lemons.  Peppermint.  Hard candy.  Ginger.  Sea Bands.  Reflexology.  Acupressure.  Avoiding beef and pork.  Fruits.  Sour candy.  Teas.  Nux vomica.  Dude, I’ve tried so much and more, but it’s not helping.  And, I swear, if someone else tells me to just eat a saltine cracker and drink some sprite, I’ll clock them in the face.  And noooo, forcing myself to eat something that makes me want to vomit just looking at or thinking about won’t help.  It’s like intuition or something.  Some stuff, I just know.  And, if I just worked an hour to get something down and it’s sticking, no way am I going to risk it on something I know will ruin that.  Not that I won’t eat…just not that.

I’ve had some really scary moments and I feel like crap, but I know it’ll get better.  In about a month.  Give or take.  Then, my sugar levels will level out a bit and at least become more predictable and less jumpy.  Until then, I’m looking forward to my first official prenatal exam.  I’m looking forward to the blood draws which might give me a bigger clue.  I’m looking forward to the finger pricker (glucose tester) that I’ll get tomorrow, as well – not because I’m a masochist, but because I want to map this out, see if there are more clues to be uncovered that could help me.

So, there it is …in a nutshell.  I’m still around but mostly, I feel like vomiting or sleeping – neither of which are conducive to blogging.  I have a bunch of blog posts all dreamed up, but wanted to let you know why the huge drop off.

I’ll be back.

Welcome back!