No, doofus. I’m not bloated. I’m pregnant. I might be a little bloated too…

Ohhhh the pain! Just kidding. I had to hold my back, it’s like the ultimate proof of me being pregnant or something, right? Like a universal symbol?

I’m approximately 7 weeks pregnant…and, that’s on the “40 week”/10 month scale. You know, where you count from your last period and such? And, 7 weeks sounds way further along…like I’m closer to being finished (plus, it’s what the doctors around here use), so I’m sticking with that.

And…I’m starting off at 85 lbs (nekkid) on our HOME scale. And, that’s what I weighed before I got sick, so while I haven’t gained anything, I’m very happy to report I’ve not lost either!! Woot!

So, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, on to the important stuff. You see the outfit? It’s new. Santa brought it to me (one of several) for my “transition wear.” Santa and I went to Rue 21, because they have the longer styled tops that are good and stretchy (and, since I’m short, they can go to my knees…almost)…plus everything is always on clearance there. Santa let me pick out some $6 undershirts/tanktops/camisoles to go under any low neck tops, 3 pairs of $10 leggings, and a few looooong tops, all of which can be mixed and matched!

Hubs absolutely hates my new mini wardrobe and feels I just need some legwarmers to complete the look. *Sigh* Didn’t keep him from trying to grab my butt in the bookstore, but whatever.

The problem, however…is that I can’t wear my flipflops this winter. Well, actually…I can. When I was pregnant with L, I pretty much did wear open toed silver mini-heels (which was like flipflops) during the dead of winter. Hint: There was snow flitting, but not on the ground kind of weather.

This year, I thought I’d beat some of the rush and head out semi-early to grab the cutest flats (close-toed, as if that tiny arc is really going to keep them warm) at the cheapest price (what I can afford, sort of). So, we headed to the mall. I grabbed my $100-something pair of flip-flops that were all tricked out and matchy matchy. And, no. That wasn’t a typo or a missing decimal point. You read right. I didn’t pay for them, they were a review I did – my flip-flops generally cost about $3.50 a pair, or 2 for $5. Anyways, I headed out with my snazzy new flip-flops to the mall.

Less than 30 minutes later, I was in dire need of some new shoes.

5 minutes after that, I felt the skin peeling off and the thick bands rubbing into open flesh wounds.

Ehh…alright. So, maybe “flesh wounds” was a bit of an exaggeration…but, still.

I half-ran half-limped over to Payless Shoe Source and was excited to find some cute flats in a 5.5. My size (normally). They fit funny. I opted for a different style, but in size 6 hoping for a different fit. Nope. I limped over to the kids’ aisle, scanning the shelves for a smaller size of the same style. Bingo. Size 5. Too big. What the frick?! Size 4.5? Nope. Too freakin’ big. Are you serious?!!! Size 4? At least they’d stay on…if I didn’t mind folding my toes over and taping them up. GAWWWW.

Whatever.

I started to feel the sugar low creep in, so I gathered the crew and we headed for the doors closest to the parking lot we parked in. I needed some real food. And, then I remembered it: Old Navy. Home of cheap shoes. Surely they would be my saving grace.

I begged asked Steven if he’d consider carrying me, but he laughed at me graciously declined. So, I asked him to at least get the vehicle and bring it up to the door before I became a cripple. I had forgotten to switch purses and the teal/pink one I had wasn’t really going with my outfit so I let him carry it for me. You know, so I’d look cool. Little does he know, I walked behind him, laughing and pointing at the boy in front of me carrying that teal/pink purse. I mean, gaww…what kind of a man carries a purse that doesn’t match his outfit? Duh. Sucker.

(Oh shit. I love you, hon. I didn’t mean any of that. I thought it was hot. Really.)

We enter Old Navy. I consider taking my shoes off to run to the shoe section, but then reconsider as nasty foot fungus and weird fungal and viral diseases enter my head. I did, after all, have open wounds now.

Ugly. More ugly. Open toed. Ooooh…here we go. Hmmm….size….8? 9? 12?

Stupid midget feet and all of you dumb stores who assume all of the girls who wear the stacks of those XS you stock can wear size 9s.

Well. Me and my feet are going to go soak into some Miracle Grow, thankyouverymuch. And, guess what. I’m just bought a new pair of flip flops, and I’m even going to wear them this winter. Stick that in your juice box and suck it. I may even buy some leg-warmers, too. So. There.

Welcome back!