Boss Sanders

As you know, I have my lovely dining room set up for sale. I also put it on Craigslist. And - within a few hours, I had an offer. From a sweet lady in Colorado. She offered me the full price (didn’t even try to negotiate) and said the pictures were enough. Okay. I did take a lot of pictures - and, I am aware that this set could potentially be worth more than what I’m asking - if that’s your thing. She offered to send a CERTIFIED CASHIER’S CHECK if I’d reserve the set for her. A flag went up in my head. But, what do I have to lose so long as I don’t cash the check yet? Craigslist is FREE.

So, I obliged, just to see what would happen.

Her grammar kind of sucked, but I try to be a non-judging person. OBVIOUSLY, not everyone who is in America has perfect English - even those that were born and raised here. And, I happen to know some folks that can’t spell worth a crap…and they AREN’T trying to screw with me. So, I looked over it, while mentally taking note.

And, then…I decided I’d just put my listing back up on Craigslist. I’d offer to the girl that I could take cash, debit, credit, or paypal or “she” could move on. Within a few minutes, I had emails from the same “Kelly Joe” about the dining room set. Only, they didn’t realize they were emailing me again.

Apparently this chick/dude failed Scam Artist school. I am seriously thinking about writing a Scammer’s book and having a class and making people pay outrageous amounts of cash for it.

So, Kelly Joe. This is for you - my tips for you to be a better scammer:

1. Lies take more lies to cover up. Decide who you are going to be and write it down in a notebook. You can’t be Kelly one minute and Kelly’s husband the next. If Kelly’s husband was trying to buy Kelly the dining room set, why would Kelly have sent me the first 4 emails? You really need to decide who you are going to be. At least make this scamming worth my time.

2. You would probably do better trying to make deals with stupid people. And you might waste less of your precious scamming time if you picked your targets a bit better. You wasted a good amount of time as I ridiculed you (while you were apparently oblivious).

3. Making people feel bad for you because you are scamming them…is not logical…and it doesn’t work.

4. Americans don’t trust people who travel to India to have surgeries.

5. Learn how to “avoid” questions better. You pretty much sucked. Again, wrong target. I’m awesome at not getting totally off track and I’m awesome at the avoidance game. Pick somebody with comparable intellect to target - which means, you may want to start checking out Preschools.

6. If you’re going to send emails, do your research. Check Craigslist for the scammer section and try to change your emails up a bit more. When sections of your email reads word for word almost - that’s a pretty huge red flag.

7. Learn to spell. Learn to talk. And, oh yeh. Get a real job.

Here’s the complete chat for your reading entertainment:  (*I am “me”)

0:29 AM kelly: Hi

10:30 AM i want to know if u have received the check ?

10:31 AM me: No

  I can accept credit cards, could you pay by that instead?

10:32 AM You there?

10:34 AM kelly: no

  that is the only means

10:35 AM if you have not received the check,then you will be getting it on monday

  get it cashed

10:36 AM and send the excess to my mover

  ok?

 me: Yeh, I’m not doing that

10:37 AM kelly: i really need the cabinet

 me: Then, pay with debit or credit card

  I really need to not be scammed

 kelly: am scamming you

10:38 AM me: I know

  Or, you try.

10:40 AM Look. If you aren’t scamming me, then why not pay with debit or credit card?

10:41 AM kelly: am not in usa

  am in india

  for a erysurg

  surgery

10:42 AM people have spoil the net

  that is the main reason

 me: Oh, gotcha. Last week, you lived in colorado. Now, you are in India. For a surgery.

 kelly: i dont blame you

 me: Makes TOTAL sense.

 kelly: am always travelling

 me: for surgeries?

 kelly: that is the nature of my job

10:43 AM am based in colorado

 me: I bet. If I were scamming good folks, I’d be traveling a lot too

 kelly: i think you also travel

  really

10:44 AM me: Where do you think I travel to?

 kelly: anywhere

 me: Einstein has nothing on you.

10:45 AM kelly: bye

 me: When will your mover be here?

10:46 AM Can he be here tomorrow?

  I REALLY need this set to be out of here

 kelly: once he receives the excess funds

 me: Well, since he’ll be coming here anyways, I’ll give him the funds when he gets here

10:47 AM Plus a little extra

 kelly: HE WILL BE NEEDING IT FOR OFFSETTING THE COST OF SHIPMENT

  HE WILL BE NEEDING IT FOR OFFSETTING THE COST OF SHIPMENT

  AND HE DOSENT HAVE IT,HIS NOT COMING

  AND HE DOSENT HAVE IT,HIS NOT COMING

10:48 AM me: No need to yell.

  No need to yell.

 kelly: THATS ACCORDING TO OUR AGREEMENT

  THATS ACCORDING TO OUR AGREEMENT

 me: It doesn’t make you sound smarter.

  It doesn’t make you sound smarter.

  No, that was not our agreement.

  No, that was not our agreement.

 kelly: AM NOT TRYING TO

  AM NOT TRYING TO

  B SMART

  B SMART

 me: Dude. Stop using all CAPS.

  Dude. Stop using all CAPS.

 kelly: HONESTLY SPEAKING

  HONESTLY SPEAKING

 me: It’s rude. Didn’t your mother ever teach you that?

  It’s rude. Didn’t your mother ever teach you that?

10:49 AM Okay, so where should I send this check?

  Okay, so where should I send this check?

10:50 AM kelly: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO INSULT MY MOM

  WHY DO YOU HAVE TO INSULT MY MOM

  FUCKOFF

  FUCKOFF

10:51 AM me: How was I insulting your mom?

  How was I insulting your mom?

 kelly: MY MOM IS NOT INVOLVE IN THIS

  MY MOM IS NOT INVOLVE IN THIS

 me: I just asked you to not be rude and yell (by using all CAPS)

  I just asked you to not be rude and yell (by using all CAPS)

10:52 AM Obviously.

  Obviously.

 kelly: YOU TAKING THIS TOO FAR

  YOU TAKING THIS TOO FAR

 me: Because I don’t want you to yell at me?

  Because I don’t want you to yell at me?

 kelly: WHY CANT YOU TRUST ME

  WHY CANT YOU TRUST ME

 me: Or because I need an address

  Or because I need an address

10:53 AM kelly: THIS IS NET,WE DIFFERENT PEOPLE

  THIS IS NET,WE DIFFERENT PEOPLE

  HAVE ALSO BEEN SCAMMED SEVERAL TIMES

  HAVE ALSO BEEN SCAMMED SEVERAL TIMES

 me: I bet.

  I bet.

  On both accounts.

  On both accounts.

  Truly.

  Truly.

 kelly: BUT LIFE HAS TO CONTINUE

  BUT LIFE HAS TO CONTINUE

 me: It most certainly does! Richer no doubt.

  It most certainly does! Richer no doubt.

10:54 AM So, where should I send the extra money?

  So, where should I send the extra money?

 kelly: I WILL GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM MY MOVER

  I WILL GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM MY MOVER

10:55 AM I WILL SEND IT TO YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS

  I WILL SEND IT TO YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS

 me: Okay, well, I’ll be leaving soon and won’t have access to email.

  Okay, well, I’ll be leaving soon and won’t have access to email.

 kelly: OKAY

  OKAY

 me: So, as soon as I get the check, I’m going to need an address so I can make one stop into town

  So, as soon as I get the check, I’m going to need an address so I can make one stop into town

10:56 AM kelly: CAN I COUNT ON YOU

  CAN I COUNT ON YOU

  ?

  ?

  BECAUSE AM GETTING IT FOR MY WIFE

  BECAUSE AM GETTING IT FOR MY WIFE

 me: I’m leaving tonight to go out of the country. I really need the address quickly.

  I’m leaving tonight to go out of the country. I really need the address quickly.

  Sure, what does your wife do for a living?

  Sure, what does your wife do for a living?

10:57 AM kelly: MY WIFE Kelly

  MY WIFE Kelly

 me: Oh, so you aren’t kelly?

  Oh, so you aren’t kelly?

  You signed the emails as Kelly.

  You signed the emails as Kelly.

  Dang. I’m sad. I was hoping I was talking to a Kelly.

  Dang. I’m sad. I was hoping I was talking to a Kelly.

10:58 AM Wait. You mean you aren’t Kelly?

  Wait. You mean you aren’t Kelly?

  I love buncombe! This is fun. We should do it often.

 kelly: this is my wife’s email

10:59 AM we have access to each others mail

  it’s trust

  because am getting itfor her

 me: I bet! mpd is hard.

 kelly: what do u mean

11:00 AM are u male or female

 me: Depends on the day mostly.

  Like you, I’m guessing.

  So, where ar eyou having this set delivered?

11:01 AM Hong Kong?

 kelly: colorado

 me: Oh, well heck. I’ll be passing through Colorado when I get back from Peru Wednesday. I’ll just drop it off!

11:02 AM Brilliant!

 kelly: i think i have to go

 me: This will be perfect!

  I bet. Can I speak to John next?

 kelly: i dont like the way you are talking to me

 me: Or, Elvis?

  I really want to talk to Elvis

  Don’t be a ninny.

11:03 AM Didn’t they teach you that in scam artist school? Not to be sensitive? No wonder why you failed!

 kelly: i think its a sin telling you the truth

11:04 AM me: Right. Reverse Psych doesn’t work on me. I’m a psych major.

  Well one of me is.

 kelly: take care and bye

11:05 AM me: toodle doo

 kelly: ok

  bye

11:06 AM me: Sorry, I didn’t feel like being bescumbered! Maybe next time?

  Actually no. Not ever.

  You’ve just been blogged.

11:07 AM kelly: ok

11:08 AM really!

11:09 AM me: really what?

11:10 AM kelly: takecare

  i have to go

  talk to u later

 me: okay bye.

11:11 AM See you Wednesday.

 kelly: i will send my mover’s info to you by mail

  ok?